<p>In H’s family, I can top all the selfish SIL behavior mentioned so far in this thread. His brother’s fiance never seemed to be available to meet the family, even though we lived ten miles away & invited them frequently. We were gracious & didn’t take it personally. That is until she stood us up for her own bridal shower. She had a “headache.” My BIL looked quite silly opening crockpots & china & cooking utensils. We (the families of the other six siblings) didn’t make him wear the bonnet made of bows & ribbons, though. </p>
<p>When they adopted a baby, we were anxous to welcome him, but she was always too busy. Finally, when another sibling was in from overseas, we insisted they meet us with the baby in Central Park for a visit. They’ve been married over ten years and we’ve seen SIL three times. We’ve never seen the youngest of their three children. She skipped H’s dad’s funeral because “She never knew the man.” (She in fact had never met him! And he lived about ten miles from them, as well.) Everyone has stopped sending invites, assuming that someone who behaves this way has some sort of serious issues that we’re not qualified to handle. </p>
<p>It’s really sad, because the other siblings (and step-siblings) are quite close, even though we live in different states, have different interests, careeers, political opinions, levels of education, discipline standards for the kids…you name it. We all do our own thing on Christmas & then get together the following weekend. It’s wonderful & stressfree.</p>
<p>I learned long ago to accept my relatives for who they are.
My Mom had her faults. When I went away to college she never asked what I was studying or had any interest in what I was learning. It wasn’t her thing. She also wanted to believe everything was “fine” so we never discussed anything to deep. But she loved my kids. She would have done anything for them. While she was able she would always make a point of driving up for a birthday or a soccer game. Seeing them was her joy.
My in laws on the other hand live 45 minutes away. They often come into town and never just stop by to see the kids. But They love to see their own children. My husband and his siblings. They have little interest in grandchildren. Though asked they have never come to a sporting event. They did attend a few music events and graduations and a couple of horse shows. They send a card with a small cash amount for holidays and birthdays. They do come through for things they value like education. They have funded some private tuition and helped with college. They also like to buy them cars. So while they are not generous with their time or little gifts they are extremely generous for big items. To everyone they meet my inlaws are lovely people. Educated, cultured well read and well spoken. At times I have resentment but I have learned to live with the saying They are who they are and aren’t going to change.
And like Northeastmom my expectations are not unreasonable. Even in the case of my OP I would have no problem with my brother and sister in law not coming for Christmas if they lived far away or if they wanted to take a vacation over the holiday.</p>
<p>My MIL just was never into being a mother or a grandmother. She was a sister and a friend without equal, but never had any interest in kids or grandkids. I always accepted that and, frankly, appreciated it because there was never conflict. She didn’t invite any of her kids for holidays and would never accept any invitations. She was a good person, may she rest in peace, but she had different priorities than I and than my own mother. That’s fine. No one has to enjoy my kids’ company except their parents. I think MIL missed out on a lot, but she was happy.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to start playing can you top this, but when my oldest was born 10 weeks early 25 years ago, my inlaws came to the hospital to bring H a camera, met him in the lobby and didn’t come up. ( she was their first grandchild)</p>
<p>The day after she was born, the doctors came into my room to quiz me about health background ( D platelets had dropped and she was hemmoraging), they couldn’t get a hold of H, so they asked me if I could help track him down. I did finally find him at his parents house- but they were quite rude, even after I explained the reason for my call.
( she had surgery the next day- inlaws never did come and see her in the hospital even though she was there for 8 weeks- same end of city as hospital, we actually lived farther away)</p>
<p>They did come to her naming ceremony, but except for when she performed with her PNB class, that was the last thing they came to, despite multiple invitations, until her high school and then college graduation.</p>
<p>Anyway why we started going away at xmas was because the tradition in Hs family was start @ midnight Xmas eve to unwrap presents.
( His father had been a dairy delivery man, and that had been their schedule while growing up, before midnight, they would go to their grandparents house)
For a couple years, the timing was OK, we would go visit my grandparents ( who liked H to call them grandpa & grandma) then we would see his parents and sisters and spouses.
We would sit there for 2 or 3 hours, while they unwrapped mountains of presents for each other. Since H & I didn’t spend a lot of money & we liked our presents to be private, we didn’t bring them. He would receive the same thing that they gave the sons in law, tools and some sweaters. I would get perhaps a box of pot holders or a spoon rest.</p>
<p>THe room would be entirely filled with wrapping paper & MIL would make subtle comments to me like " oh, you don’t have any thing else to open"?
:rolleyes:</p>
<p>This continued after we had our D, and it was pretty exhausting staying up so late. They were more generous with her, giving her a electric barbie car or 1000 piece Barbie kitchen set ( when she was three) but they would “help” her open it and smash the boxes so that we couldn’t take it back.( they did this even when H was out of work for over a year, and we had to resort to mowing lawns and babysitting to survive- we had asked for savings bonds for D instead of expensive toys- this was when they said " you don’t expect her to go to college do you?. This was also the year of Teddy Ruxpin, which they had given their other grandchild, so they gave D one as well. However, we took it back and used the money for groceries ( D didn’t really like electronic bears anyway- it was kind of scary ), which they never forgave me for.</p>
<p>Combine that experience, with when we would take the girls over to their house to visit and they would make very rude comments about me directly to the girls, that it didn’t take long to decide to continue going away for the holidays and limiting contact.</p>
<p>Our family had a huge hullabaloo last year when one Sis-in-Law wanted to do a gift exchange at Thanksgiving and we said we couldn’t come (long story, but the other two siblings were supportive of us). Anyway, this year we all tried to find a date that we could get together for a gift exchange. All four families came up with at least 3 dates that worked for them… but there was never a single day that more than 3 of the 4 families could be there. The older our kids get (they range from kindergarten to college) and the more activities they are in, the harder it becomes (this one is in the school play one weekend, another has a dance performance another weekend, another has college finals to study for, another’s team is in the playoffs, etc). So the other three families will exchange on Christmas, and my family dropped our gifts off in advance. It just seemed silly for all of them to get together at Christmas and not open gifts because we weren’t there (we live the furthest away and will be spending Christmas with my mom, who is battling cancer). But we’ve all agreed that next year we will be together for Thanksgiving, regardless. I told my kids - put it on your calendar NOW.</p>