<p>To the OP: you said you live 30 minutes away and one sibling lives 6 hours away. Until you have tried to pack up your family and travel 6 hours on a holiday, you don’t know what it’s like. As my mother always said, “The road runs two ways.” Those who always expect the others to travel to them don’t understand that.</p>
<p>It’s hard, but times change and traditions evolve. When your kids are 30 and have kids of their own, do you expect everyone to still do what they did years ago when your mother was alive?</p>
<p>A little flexibility goes a long way. Everyone doesn’t have to get together on the same holiday every year. Maybe you see some of the family at Christmas, and some at Thanksgiving. Maybe this year at x’s house, and next year at y’s house.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to sound unkind, I’m sure OP is still grieving the loss of her mother. But that doesn’t mean the rest of the family has to re-live the past every year in perpetuity.</p>
<p>When we were first married, my younger Sis-in-law was viscious toward me for “stealing” her brother. She was furious that we didn’t spend every minute of every holiday with her family (because we spent some time with MY family). Then she got married and had kids, and grew up. She actually apologized to my face once, saying that it was so hard to pack up one baby and drive 20 minutes to her mothers’ house, she didn’t know how we had brought 2 kids from 3 hours away for all those years.</p>
<p>EK, I can totally relate. My inlaws were the same way. I think I posted this earlier, but my MIL was totally connected to her birth family, did everything with her sister. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I began to bleed at work (30 weeks) and couldn’t reach my husband. At that time I got off the express bus directly in front of their house and the hospital was one block from there (a log block, though). I called them and told them what was going on and asked for a ride for that one block. They said no. When my son was critically injured in an accident, he was taken to the same hospital. I asked my MIL (FIL was dead) if she could sit with him for a few minutes so I could change my bloody clothes. She said no. At the very end of her life, she told me how much she regretted, that she always thought there was more time and then there wasnt’. My kids never had a relationship with the inlaws. Their choice.</p>
<p>Momneedsadvice= if you reread my first post it states that “1” sibling lives 30 minutes away. I live 2 hours away without traffic. I don’t have a problem with my sibling who lives 6 hours away with 3 young children. I am sad we won’t see them but I understand.
The sibling I am annoyed with is the one who lives max 30 minutes from my other brother.
Emeraldkity I feel sorry for your D. It is sad when a grandparent can’t take time to see their grandchild.</p>
<p>My in-laws were always concerned that their 3 kids might not have much of an ongoing relationship after they (the parents) died. And it’s pretty true. We maintain a cordial relationship with one sib and a more distant one with the other. We spend a lot more time with my side of the family. There’s no law that says adults have to spend all their free time with relatives–it is a choice. And some relatives (like EK and ZM’s parents) are so rejecting that spending time with them would be toxic.</p>
<p>…“Also, my FIL is in failing health so we have had to drive there (7 hours each way) for the last 5 years. Christmas morning is spent in a cheap hotel eating the free continental breakfast with strangers. My kids have not awakened to gifts and stockings by the fire in years. It has been a huge sacrfice but Christmas is the only time when we all have enough time off to travel there together and DH keeps reminding the kids that Grandma and Grandpa won’t be around forever and they need to go see them while they can. The sad thing is that they live so far away they’ve never had any real relationship with my kids. They are caught up in their own declining lives/health and really have very little say to my kids other than “how are you?” They really don’t know them at all and don’t seem to care to (never call on the phone , ever ,but always complain that no one calls or visits enough). I feel so sad so we have to spend Christmas this way.
…”</p>
<p>PackMom - Wow, that makes me sad that your holiday is spent like that. YOUR immediate family should take precedence over what you are doing now. What message does that send to your children? That they aren’t nearly as important as the relatives they don’t even have a relationship with?</p>
<p>While I do understand the dynamics of all this, you really need to recreate Christmas for your family. Because before you know it, you may have the same kind of holiday in the future…just a thought.</p>
<p>(I have the same with my FIL - who for 21 years still calls my son BRENT when it’s been BRETT and only saw my oldest son at his final high school football game and all but walked on the field to talk to him…and said I can come watch you next year - uh, Pappy, this is my last game…</p>
<p>Sorry to ramble…but this holiday stuff just gets under my skin. My family is my priority and like they say, at least you can pick your friends…</p>
<p>my BIL moved in with his mom after the father died…he got married after year and years of taking care of mom</p>
<p>his bride and MIL live together but don’t get along, but they kept thinking, well, she’s 85…well she’s 90, know she is 93, is very difficult to be around, is a nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and that couple never had any time to themselves</p>
<p>other family members would take mom for two days here or there, but it was not enough (all happening in Ireland)</p>
<p>One othe BIL2 gave the BIL1 grief for not doing enough for MOM, even though mom was living with BIL1</p>
<p>Well, MIL is out here, living with BIL2…people, I have to say, KARMA…BIL2 and the rest of the family sees how hard it is, how much they have to give up to take care of someone who doesn’t want outsiders in to help…MIL wanted to go to a place to rest for 2 weeks and see what it might be like for assisted living, BIL2 fought it tooth and nail…NOW he sees, maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea</p>
<p>laxmom, its time to take care of your own kids…give them Christmas at home…your H needs to stop guilting you into going…that is taking HIS parents over his wife and kids</p>
<p>laxmom, your H can go by himself some weekend, he doesn’t need to drag everyone else along, the whole family doesn’t have to all be there</p>
<p>there are 3 day weekends all the time, and if its THAT important to your H, HE can make the trip, it doesn’t have to be a arduous family trek, and he shouldn’t make you feel bad for saying NO</p>
<p>the grandparents are actually my Hs parents- & I am imagining that one of the reasons they didn’t want D over- was because they wanted to be able to drink and gossip without her observing that.
My mother is equally as messed up but in a different way. She wants all of her kids to “be friends” but she did all she could to pit us against each other IMO while we were growing up, so why would we be friends now?</p>
<p>We have different values, different interests & some of us never learned enough social skills to participate in a function without alienating others.
I did appreciate that my brother and his wife and younger child came down to Portland to see my oldest graduate from college & brought my mother, so that I wouldn’t have to.</p>
<p>While my Hs parents did drive down that morning ( which surprised me- but they were on their way to a casino vacation) neither my sister or either of his sisters ever acknowledged the graduation by even sending a card.</p>
<p>I did attend the events around my niece going off for her mission in Chile, by myself which was fine, its bad enough that my brother asks me questions like " what kind of a lesbian is my oldest"??? than for her sister to also have to listen to stuff like that.</p>
<p>My brother does invite us over but he doesnt seem to get that since
i am in school full time with a senior in high school I am a little busy.( plus my H can’t stand him)
Making small talk with someone who still thinks Bush is da man is a little difficult. </p>
<p>Celebrating the holidays on either side is pretty much an exercise in observing conspicuous consumption, ( not just food) so it has been a relief to have a different sort of holiday.</p>
<p>when I was growing up, we would go to my stepdad,s mothers house for Christmas…it was fine for about an hour, then the disfunction would start</p>
<p>No matter how miserable (it was in Syracuse NY) the weather was outside, my mom and I would go for a walk, taking the dogs with us…sometimes we would just go sit in the car…</p>
<p>the summer picnics were better because you could easily get away from the bickering, but when everyone was in such close quarters…blech</p>
<p>it was one interesting group- don’t want to say made men, but yeah, at least one of them was…after watching the Soprano’s its like OMG!! my inlaws!!!</p>
<p>cgm, My kids and I haven’t seen the in-laws since last Christmas. My H has made the trip by himself 4 or 5 times since then. He is not crazy about making the Christmas trip either but feels he needs to do it. It is the only time of the year he sees his 3 siblings too, though they have never been close and don’t even talk on the phone the rest of the year. </p>
<p>He feels that it’s not too much to ask that the kids ( and I) go visit their grandparents once a year. His Dad is to the point that DH thinks every Christmas could be his last. In the past, we have always spent 2 nights but we’ve been discussing it this weekend and decided we will only spend 1 night this year (yaaahh). That will put us on the road for about 13-14 hours in two days but we would rather bite the bullet do it so we can get back home quicker. We still prob. won’t be here for Christmas day (haven’t decided when we’ll leave yet) but at least we’ll be there a shorter time so the misery won’t be as prolonged. </p>
<p>Next year will be S1’s last 'Chirstmas Break" from college. By the next year he may be on the other side of the world (Military) so I’m going along with the one night trip this year and plan to really lobby to stay at home next year since it may be S1’s last one for awhile.</p>
<p>Congratulations, PackMom, for working on some changes. What bothers me about the “holidays”, besides the rampant commercialization, is the sense of guilt and obligation so many people feel, especially towards parents. As CC is my witness, I am never going to guilt-trip bethieson about the holidays! I’m going to continue treating him like the prince he is, so he’ll probably keep wanting to come home for visits, but if it’s not during “the holidays”, I can invite friends over and have a good time doing something else.</p>
<p>And I love seeing my brothers and sisters, but if I didn’t, I hope I’d feel free to stay away from them as much as I wanted. There’s no moral imperative I know of that says you have to spend time with people who make you unhappy.</p>
<p>Our family adopted the day is the day you make philosophy many years ago. So our Christmas changes each year. Family has nurses, first responders, others that have to work, other families, distances, etc. For the past several years Christmas has been the Friday or Saturday before New Years. We treat just like the calendar holiday. Makes for much happier children and ILs too when needed. </p>
<p>Change is hard. But planning for the change instead of it just appearing can help. Maybe a discussion on how to honor the holiday and special time so that it meets everyone’s needs. </p>
<p>Spending the first holidays without S1 and S2 since they live half a continent away and have to work. Having to make new adjustments. .</p>
<p>BTW we use the same philosophy for all holidays including birthdays. The best result is you usually get to celebrate the holiday multiple times. :)</p>
<p>We have family all over and celebrate whatever whenever with whomever. If I want to make a turkey dinner in July and have Thai food on Thankgiving, why not?</p>
<p>We tend to have any “larger” family gatherings in the summer. With so many folks traveling from afar…there is less worry about the weather screwing up someone’s trip. Plus, we all like being able to be outdoors and not confined to the house…especially with a crowd.</p>
<p>This was the first year NEITHER of our kids was home for Thanksgiving. Yes, we missed them but we had a nice holiday nonetheless.</p>
<p>Funny to read some of the stories of uninvolved grandparents. I’ll add one - </p>
<p>The same dad who left me standing on his porch, ringing the doorbell repeatedly on Christmas morning, because he forgot to tell me he was leaving town (ouch), also has been a disinterested grand dad, but it a selective way.</p>
<p>He is totally involved in sailing, and when my oldest turned 9, he bought him a boat. My son got into it and started racing competitively. My dad would take his boat out and watch him, which I thought was awesome. Once, he took his boat all the way to Mississippi (2 day boat trip) to watch him race in a big regatta. </p>
<p>Compare that to:</p>
<p>My second son got into sports, but it was football and baseball, not sailing. We invited my dad repeatedly to come watch him, but he never would. My son started on the varsity for 3 years and he could never come see him, he said that it was too far for him to drive (45 minutes away, but he can take a boat 2 days away?). He finally came to a game my son’s last year, and during the game, he started crying quietly. I could tell that he was so proud, but I also think he realized what he’d been missing. </p>
<p>You can’t change them, you have to either love them the way they are, or cut them out of your life. My dad can infuriate me, but I know that he loves me and my family, he just doesn’t know how (or the way that I wish he would show me). </p>
<p>That is so true. There are so many expectations, personalities, larger numbers in the extended families as it grows (and situations on the other side to take into account when there are spouses). It is really hard at times.</p>
<p>“That is so true. There are so many expectations”</p>
<p>This is what I am working on for myself with regard to family. To learn to accept and deal with a person’s words or actions and not bring my own expectations to bear. Not always easy.</p>
<p>Not easy at all. I find that when actions/words of others don’t match my expectations repeatedly, the best thing for me to do is just accept it as it is, or frankly to distance myself from those relatives. I guess it would depend upon how much one has invested in the relationship. For example, I would never distance myself from my own children.</p>
<p>I think that’s right Northeastmom. I also have to ask myself if my expectations are realistic or fair. Sometimes people don’t live up to my expectations, but what they do do is just absolutely fine and valid. Sometimes the problem is in me not accepting good enough.</p>
<p>The thing is that if others don’t live up to my expectations (when I have them), I don’t find what they do to be fine. I find my expectations to be reasonable, so when they don’t live up to them I find them inconsiderate and/or selfish. What they do or say may be fine for them, but not for me. Again, my choices are to accept it, not have expectations to begin with, discuss the situation (I rarely do this because often I find that it does not lead anywhere positive), or distance myself from those people or that situation.</p>