<p>Wow, Zooser, it’s hard keeping everybody happy, isn’t it? How long a day can your mom really take without some serious down time ? I get tired just thinking about what you are trying to accomplish.</p>
<p>Would it be considered rude in this case to just go to the reception?</p>
<p>Yikes. Too costly and complicated. Do yourself a favor–skip the wedding.
Stay home and relax.</p>
<p>"Wow, Zooser, it’s hard keeping everybody happy, isn’t it? How long a day can your mom really take without some serious down time ? I get tired just thinking about what you are trying to accomplish.</p>
<p>Would it be considered rude in this case to just go to the reception?"</p>
<p>I’m not sure how she would do. She’s diabetic so she’d need to eat something, and she has a whole bunch of other issues. I couldn’t drive down there because I’m a truly terrible driver and don’t do much (any) highway driving. I’d probably kill us and other people. The thing about going to the reception only is that I want to see him married in church. Left up to me, I’d go to the church, leave the gift and head home. Oy. I know I’m being a baby here, but I’m totally defeated by the conflicting demands. I’ll suck it up.</p>
<p>I have never heard of “covering the plate.” Since when do wedding guests pay for the reception? There is nothing wrong with just going to the service if that is what you would prefer. Personally, I would send a gift and stay home.</p>
<p>"I have never heard of “covering the plate.” </p>
<p>Should you ever see a re-run of “We’re getting Married” on the MTV Show “True Life”, watch it and you’ll understand. Not the vulgarity, the violence or the implants, but the general mindset is there and you’ll see the “covering the plate” statement all over it. That couple was from this area also.</p>
<p>No, no. You are not being a baby and do not need to suck it up. So the wedding is at one. This means you have to leave at the very latest after getting ready: 9:30 am. If you stay for everything and leave early you won’t get home until midnight. This would be pushing it for just you and hubby. Now add on an 8 yr old boy who cannot possibly be expected to behave like a gentlemen for this entire time and your mom with her added needs and you have the recipe for a disaster. Something has to give, Zooser. I’m not sure you can do it all.</p>
<p>Zoosermom,</p>
<p>I understand your desire to please your extended family (and save your reputation at the same time) but I think you realize there is no way to accomplish this while meeting the needs of your immediate family. Your presence at the wedding accompanied with a personal letter expressing your love and good wishes and your regrets for being unable to attend the reception would be greatly appreciated. </p>
<p>If you wish to add a gift - purchase/make something of personal significance to you - and include a note of explanation or story describing why it was your “gift of choice”. It doesn’t have to be expensive - maybe just a copy your favorite cookbook (with a story remembering a fabulous or awful meal) or favorite appliance or a collection of favorite kitchen gadget if your a cook, stationary with new names, notebook labeled with dividers for all their new warranty cards, insurance, etc. Depending upon your faith/beliefs - you could send a “mass card” a donation to a favorite charity in their name, a star named, an animal in a zoo adopted, etc. all for much less than $500.</p>
<p>I’m sure you realize that your presence and good wishes are the real gift. I believe after the “greed” has worn off - those gifts will the ones remembered - more than a final accounting of the “total cash collected minus expenses”. However, if that is not the case - and they can’t see the love that went into the gift of your presence, - it will be only a matter of time before you are “gossiped” about for some other transgression.</p>
<p>Thank you all very much. It’s nice to hear that I’m not being a “guestzilla” here. Not quite sure what to do yet, but I’ve received some good ideas here and staying home may have to be an option.</p>
<p>"The gift is a check that must be placed into the silk purse when the bridal couple comes around to “greet” their guests.:</p>
<p>I know they are relatives, but do you like these people? Reading what they are demanding made my hackles rise. They just sound flat out crass.</p>
<p>Frankly, I think that you should stay home and have a nice day with your husband and kids instead of spending time with people who seem to be turning a wedding into a shake down.</p>
<p>However, if you feel you must go, I vote for your attending the wedding and and sending them a nice card with a check that you can afford and feel comfortable giving. If what you give isn’t enough for those greedy people, you are better off not having to deal with them.</p>
<p>I bet that there are other so-called guests (I don’t call invitees to a shakedown “guests”) who are equally upset about the event, but may not have the guts to back out.</p>
<p>Given your husband’s schedule, your mom’s health and the distance, you have graceful reasons to give for not being able to attend the reception.</p>
<p>The last wedding that I went to was that of a friend whose gift registry included gifts as low as $5. She wanted to make sure to list presents that everyone could afford because, as she put it, she was interested in our presence at her wedding and reception, not the price of our gifts.</p>
<p>It will be interesting to see how long your relatives’ marriage lasts. From what I’ve seen, people who emphasize gifts at weddings usually overlook more important things: like the character of the person that they are marrying, and the amount of work it takes to maintain a good marriage.</p>
<p>“I know they are relatives, but do you like these people?”</p>
<p>The groom is my nephew, whom I adore. He has no idea what’s appropriate or nice at a wedding. He’s of the “tell me what to wear and when to show up” school of groomdom. Which is not to say that he shouldn’t be more involved. My family (except this sister) doesn’t do any of these things, but my sister married into a family that does and she’s now more into their habits than they are. When my mother found out that they were having this gap between ceremony and reception, she told me that I was selling my sister short and that surely there would be a hospitality suite for the day or something. There won’t be. The bride is a nice girl who’s bought into the whole “my day” thing. Absolutely nothing matters except that she gets exactly what she wants. Young, self-absorbed and insensitive.</p>
<p>“The bride is a nice girl who’s bought into the whole “my day” thing. Absolutely nothing matters except that she gets exactly what she wants. Young, self-absorbed and insensitive.”</p>
<p>I wouldn’t describe her as a “nice girl.”
The marriage sounds doomed.</p>
<p>"He has no idea what’s appropriate or nice at a wedding. He’s of the “tell me what to wear and when to show up” school of groomdom. "</p>
<p>Sad. I predict that he’ll do the same with child rearing if the marriage lasts that long.</p>
<p>It also seems that he is his mother and father’s son in that he was brought up by them to think that the world is based on material things, so he believes that and is marrying someone who shares his views.</p>
<p>I can’t think of any reason for you to cave into their shakedown.</p>
<p>Today, you’re expected to pay $500 to attend a wedding reception. Tomorrow, it will be $500 for a house warming or a baby shower. They are users, not people who are expressing love for their relatives.</p>
<p>zooser: Sounds like a wedding gift geared towards the nephew then 
A nice starter set of tools would put a smile on his face…or a small outdoor travel grill…you get my drift.</p>
<p>“Today, you’re expected to pay $500 to attend a wedding reception. Tomorrow, it will be $500 for a house warming or a baby shower. They are users, not people who are expressing love for their relatives.”</p>
<p>Yeppers. THat’s exactly the path. We’re not the preferred relatives, you know.</p>
<p>“zooser: Sounds like a wedding gift geared towards the nephew then A nice starter set of tools would put a smile on his face…or a small outdoor travel grill…you get my drift.”</p>
<p>I like how you think!</p>
<p>“Yeppers. THat’s exactly the path. We’re not the preferred relatives, you know.” </p>
<p>So don’t break your bank and bend over backward to accommodate them. Whatever you do won’t be enough from their perspective, so do what is within your own budget, time frame, and heart. Remember, you can’t buy love.</p>
<p>Zooser:</p>
<p>Now that I have a clearer picture, I agree with those who urge staying home and sending a nice gift. There are so many reasons for this.
First, consider your mom’s health. My MIL used to go on vacations with us. But no more, as she cannot sit in the car for more than one hour. And here is your mom contemplating a long car ride both ways in a single day, as well as a wedding and reception. On top of that, she has diabetes so she needs to have regular intake of food. Then there is your 8-year old who will have a hard time sitting still in his finery. And there is your D going to college, and for whom you are most likely saving every penny toward tuition. </p>
<p>I do feel for you since this is a dear nephew. But I’m sure he’ll understand why you need to stay home. I agree that a nice gift for him would be a much appreciated token of your love.</p>
<p>I agree wholeheartedly with marite, but if you really do want to go to the wedding, just go to the church and skip the reception. Then you don’t have to “cover the plate” since you won’t have one, and can give the amount or the gift you wish to give.</p>
<p>I have been in exactly your situation, long distance travel, “cover the plate,” and big gap between wedding and reception. Yes, we are from New Jersey and the Corleones could be our relatives. We usually just attend the reception in these circumstances, and when we talk to the other “guests” we’ve learned that they’ve done the same. I know it’s different when the groom is your nephew, but with the distance you are traveling, the medical and other issues, you’d be excused, I’m sure, from church. But, since you’d rather go to the church, you could just do that and then give what you can as a gift. Actually, you have every good reason to stay home that day.</p>
<p>In years past when the “expected gift” was $200., we usually had no problem. Lately we give what we’d like, and “cover the plate” when we feel like it! We realize that this will come back to haunt us when/if our Ds get married someday, but so be it.</p>
<p>“We realize that this will come back to haunt us when/if our Ds get married someday, but so be it.”</p>
<p>No, it won’t come back to haunt you. You sound like nonmaterialistic people who wouldn’t want crass people at your wedding anyway nor would you give a wedding reception that was a shakedown. Look forward to having a nice time with your true friends and truly loving relatives.</p>
<p>Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.
I’d send them a gift and not even go (that’s me). That kind of wedding is to expensive.</p>