<p>It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a “Yankee” wedding, but I do remember the receptions being expensive, and there was a bit of a miffed attitude if someone gave a “token” gift that didn’t begin to cover the cost of the dinner. I don’t agree with the attitude at all, but it definitely exists in some circles. </p>
<p>I’m afraid that in the intervening years, the cost of the reception has sky-rocketed, with host families feeling entitled to re-coop their “dowry” as it were. When we first moved south, I was surprised a bit by the cake and punch receptions, which seem now to be more “heavy hors d’œuvres”. But it sure makes it easier on everyone to not feel an obligation to cover costs.</p>
<p>We were invited to a wedding in NY in April. We were unable to go because of the cost. I remember thinking that by the time we paid airfare and hotel, we’d have very little left for a gift! I wish the wedding custom was those who couldn’t attend sent gifts, and everyone else gave their “presence.”</p>
<p>I appreciate the OP’s desire to honor her nephew, and I think that’s admirable. Agreeing to some extortion in order to be at his special day, though, is enabling and beyond the call of duty. If you get ostracized by greedy selfish relatives because you don’t give them enough money, then I’m thinking this [not giving so much money] is a win-win situation. ;)</p>
<p>Binx,
I have always lived in the Northeast and I would be interested in hearing more about what the weddings in the South are like. (I eloped and did not have any reception, but all or almost all of the weddings I have ever attended were sit-down dinners.)</p>
<p>I am in the MidAtlantic area and almost every wedding I have ever attended is sit down dinner also. I have attended lovely receptions for probably every European culture and am still shocked with this, “cover the plate,” idea.
I saw a book in the library yesterdy titled Souther Weddings. They looked just a pricey as the ones I have been to. I think it all depends on the family and how much they want to spend and what type of wedding the couple want.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, You are most <em>definitely</em> not Guestzilla! The bride, however, is out of control. I’ve been to lots of NY weddings and never was hit upside the head with the silk purse. Aiii!!! I would go to church and head home. You will have your hands full with mom and son – and tsk tsk to the bride who has not provided for guests who can’t roam the boardwalks all afternoon. Surely your mom is not the only guest who would find the rental of a guest room for all who need a place to drop by during those six hours quite a welcoming touch. Even renting a suite would only be a couple of hundred dollars! Are the bride and groom paying for this event themselves or have the parents taken on a second mortgage? Give yourself a break, dear! I also vote for a personalized gift made with love or a household repair kit for the nephew (assuming he doesn’t already have a collecetion of tools). DH and I have a personal policy of not giving cash gifts anyway – I hate the mental tallying!</p>
<p>I would consider $50-$100 a nice enough gift for any wedding- and we could afford to spend a lot more. I consider it very crude and low class to put a dollar amount on the costs of a reception for each guest. The family should spend what they want to and can afford to spend on the reception. In this situation I would really consider not going, letting husband stay home (mine missed a family wedding for work), going only to ceremony and giving your nephew a great big hug before it starts (did that). Sit down dinners in the Midwest plus a band…- never crass enough to request payment. Don’t worry about what the extended family thinks- you have your nuclear family and own life to think about. Let them shun you, you won’t become preferred relatives by funding their activities. If you are expected to pay for it you should have input as to how your money is spent. Etc. I’m riled up and would be very happy to tell off your relatives for you… Enjoy your summer, regardless of the relatives.</p>
<p>Yes, the “cover the plate” thing is something that people have considered kind of common knowledge , and a general guideline - however this is NOT at all something that is acceptable practice or that etiquette mavens ever condoned.</p>
<p>Guests should give according to the relationship, the occasion and according to their own means and desires. And telling guests what the affair cost and hitting them up for that amount is beyond anything I’ve ever run into - anywhere! It is beyond rudeness, although I am getting the idea from what you’re saying that this is not unheard of in your area.</p>
<p>MotherofTwo - Southern weddings are not necessarily cheaper. I helped my sister with hers, and she paid more per person for her “snacks” than I paid for a full meal. </p>
<p>A few differences I’ve noticed:</p>
<p>In the south, it’s common for the best man to be the groom’s father.</p>
<p>There is a groom’s cake - a one-layer, that means something to the groom - perhaps a special flavor, or recognizing a favorite sports team or alma mater or hobby.</p>
<p>Because of the nicer weather, outdoor weddings are common here, and the various parks are popular places. Theme weddings seem to be more popular in the south - Antebellum, Civil War, various hobby-related. (My youngest sister was married in TN, in a cave.)</p>
<p>Another vote for sending your nephew a nice gift. </p>
<p>I grew up in the midwest–used to big Polish weddings with lots of children running around, open bar, buffet or sitdown dinners, dancing with bands or DJs. I never really thought of them as “fundraisers” for the bride and groom–the parents would pay for the style of wedding they could afford–as a gift to their daughter and to show off to their friends/relatives and just have a nice party. My brother married a German farm girl–they had square dancing, skits, relay races, and games at the reception–in addition to rock and polka music. A friend of mine had a unique wedding. He walked down the aisle with his parents. She walked down with hers. (No other attedants). They asked for no gifts. For the reception everyone changed into shorts and played volleyball at a public park and had sandwiches at the picnic shelter. </p>
<p>For 7 years I lived in a very poor rural area in the south. I’ve been to nice potluck receptions in the church basement where the community got together and decorated and all the ladies brought fancy trays of food. Brides register at WalMart–I recall giving gifts like a bedspread, lamp, books, kitchen utensils, etc. One wedding I attended the groom (Marine) got called up when the war started and had a week to report. The wedding had to be moved up and was held on a Tuesday morning at 8:30. He wore his uniform and she had a nice dress–not the wedding dress she wanted to have made. The guests were the family and random people who came to the daily mass. Someone provided kool-aid and a grocery store cake in the basement afterwards. Still it was a lovely wedding–and very romantic. I’ve heard about pricey southern weddings (with the 10 bridesmaids, etc.) and seen the pictures in the paper–but apparently I don’t run in those circles. There are a lot of “cake and punch” receptions in the South --no alcohol because the Baptists don’t drink. I consider them very tame and boring.</p>
<p>This “cover the plate” thing is about the tackiest thing I have ever heard. If a family can’t afford a reception without getting donations, then they shouldn’t have one. I had never heard of it until I left rural Virginia - home of the punch, peanuts, mints, cheese straw receptions. I had that type of reception - for the benefit of my teetotalling Baptist parents. After that, my husband and I threw our own party for our friends and the non-teetotalling family.</p>
<p>I cringe everytime I see the word “tacky” regarding the money in the silk purse. I think it’s a cultural thing, although not my culture, so I am hesitant to call it “tacky.” $500 is a lot of money, and the costs for the day would be a lot, esp. if health issues are at hand, income, and dressed up 8 year olds. If you must attend, and culturally you may be feeling it’s a “must,” then do the wedding, take Mother and son to lunch and have a nice ride back home at a decent hour.</p>
<p>zoosermom: OMG. I live on Long Island which I would have thought was the capital of the scene you describe, but I have never been asked to “cover the plate” or been told how much to spend. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been invited to a lot of weddings! LOL. </p>
<p>With kids going to college I would flat out refuse to spend this. I think I would anyway. Why should people be hostages to the extravaganzas others want to mount? </p>
<p>It’s very sad when family relationships are not what we would wish. I do know something about this. However, one-sided giving and sacrifice can’t create a relationship. The saddest part is that you can expect no empathy from your own sister. If you can’t discuss the situation with her isn’t there a way she can be prevailed upon to provide for her own mother?</p>
<p>If there is nothing you can do, I agree with the folks who suggest just going to the church and giving a much smaller gift – perhaps something you would value that a $amount can’t be assigned to. I don’t know about you, but I find noisy receptions with a band blasting more of an ordeal than a pleasure.</p>
<p>And from what you said in your post #30, your nephew - whom you adore - is on the right sheet of music. Your sister doesn’t seem to one of the “shake-downers” either. She married into a family whose sense of values is appalling. No reason you need to buy into it.</p>
<p>The best man greets everyone coming to the reception with a tray of liquor. Sweet liquors are served to the women and strong drinks served to the men before any food. The purpose of this is to give everyone an opportunity to toast the bride and groom. A common toast would be “Per cent’anni” (for a hundred years).
All the men at the reception kiss the bride for good luck – and to make the groom jealous.
The bride carried a satin bag (la borsa) in which guests placed envelopes containing money. The money helped toward the expenses of the wedding which was financed by the bride’s family. During the reception, this purse was usually guarded by the brides grandmother (nonna) or mother (the holder of the bag can vary).In some weddings the bride hangs on to the satin bag and all the men who dance with the bride put money in the sack.
At some weddings, primarily in Northern Italy, the best man would cuts the groom’s tie into little pieces. The pieces are then put onto a tray and sold to the guests. The proceeds are given to the couple to help pay for the band. It’s a good idea for the groom to bring a cheap tie in anticipation of this custom.
Italian weddings have always emphasize food. Strongly linked with family life, food is the focal point of the festivities. The elaborate wedding of the bride and groom brings together the friends and relatives of both families in a celebration of their new relationship.
In ancient Rome, a loaf of wheat bread was broken over the heads of the bride and groom to ensure a fertile and fulfilling life. Guests would eat the crumbs for good luck.
A multi-course dinner follows, often as many as 14 different courses (sometimes even more)!
Symbolic foods for good luck include twists of fried dough, powdered with sugar, called bow ties wanda, and Italian wedding candy.
After dinner, everyone is served slices of wedding cake with cups of coffee, espresso or other beverages.
During the wedding receptions friends of the groom usually sneak away to play tricks on the new couple (i.e. walling-in the door of the couple’s new home, putting itching powder in the bed).
A band providing dance music for the wedding guests may play mazzurcas and tarantellas.
Before the bride and groom retire for the night, they brake a vase or a glass - the number of pieces that the vase breaks into symbolizes the number of happy years of marriage that the couple can expect."</p>
<p>I’m a native southerner, lived in Georgia all my life. Yes, there are a lot of “punch and cake” weddings - and a lot of time if the reception is held at the church there is no alcohol (and I’m not Baptist!). However, I have also been to weddings where there were sit down dinners at the reception with bands and dancing (and alcohol). </p>
<p>There have also been some elaborate weddings locally, both inside and outside. It all depends on the family’s financial situation.</p>
<p>Also, I have very seldom seen a one-layer groom’s cake. They are usually multi-layer, but smaller than the wedding cake. The only constant used to be that they were always chocolate, but I understand that is changing.</p>
<p>The younger staff in my office have told me that weddings now include “goodie bags” with gifts for the guests? I thought that went out in elementary school!</p>
<p>I agree with quopot, I think this is largely cultural. The OP seems to accept this is the way that part of the family operates. I don’t know that I’d let $500 cause a family rift even if I don’t like their values and behavior. They wouldn’t be near and dear, but I would play their game for a beloved nephew’s wedding.</p>
<p>I would stick to the original thought that you all go just for the wedding explaining that’s all DH’s work and grandma can handle.</p>
<p>I don’t think it is a custom based on one’s area. I live ten miles out of Manhattan & it would be considered very crass to mention the per plate cost of a wedding to any guest. Zoos is making it pretty clear that this is more of a “Godfather” cultural abomination. Most northerners, and most Italians, really don’t think this way. </p>
<p>It really bugs me that a four hour gap is just left for the guests to fill on their own. It should always be about keeping guests comfortable. A hospitality suite is a must in those circumstances. (Or an invitation back to the parents’ home for a pre-party.) Especially as the grandmother of the groom is one needing to get off of her feet for a while. A smart bride would have made her new grandmother-in-law feel important & ask her to be the “hostess” at the suite for any guests who would stop in. This would go a long way toward engendering good feelings & starting the relationship on a strong footing.</p>
<p>Motheroftwo - my “southern experiences” are quite different from Binx - and wanted to provide you with another view. </p>
<p>I do agree that many were “heavy hors d’oeuvers”. However, that only meant the guests didn’t have have assigned seats and mingled more. The formality and price of these affairs exceed many “seated dinners”. </p>
<p>I have never been to an outside wedding and never seen the father of the groom as best man!</p>
<p>I watch news shows in the evening - switching between CNN, Cspan, CNBC, Fox, etc. When all have simultaneous advertising (which I refuse to watch) I skip to random channels. There are “wedding shows” which make zoosermom’s nephew’s future wife look like an “angel”. Seriously, the brides featured in these shows have a “queen for a day” atttitude that is quite unbelievable. I am always left wondering - how is it that this selfish brat has any guests/attendants?</p>