<p>Wikipedia to the rescue:
<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_traditions[/url]”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_traditions</a>
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<p>I just have to stick with tacky - lacking style or good taste. Can’t think of a better example.</p>
<p>Southern weddings (does Florida count???):</p>
<p>My experience- </p>
<p>Bridegroom pays for rehearsal dinner. Sitdown dinner in a restaurant for wedding party. Toasts, fun for all. Sometimes, but not always, out of town guests are invited- close relatives.</p>
<p>Bride pays for wedding/reception. If you can’t afford it, you don’t do it. Nothing is expected from guests, except to attend, and bringing a gift, I guess, is expected too, although no monetary value is placed on this.
If all you can do is a punch and cake thing, then you do that. If you want more, OK. Nowhere is it expected that other people pay. Everyone is more than happy to attend a wedding like this!</p>
<p>I repeat, it is not expected that other people pay. For crying out loud folks, if you want a nice dinner out, you’re certainly not gonna get it in a banquet-type setting!???!</p>
<p>I’ve been to pig roasts, sit down dinners, heavy hours dourves, Indian dinner-after-the weddings (what do you call them?? GREAT FOOD), punch and cakes, they’re all fun!!!</p>
<p>As long, that is, you are not being dinged to pay up.</p>
<p>The money purse, and in some ethnic groups, a decorated box is used, is quite common. We have been to many weddings where there has been one - Italian, Croatian, Czech. The money collected is not meant to be used to cover the costs of the reception, but rather as a ‘nest egg’ to start the couple off in married life. I have never had a bride, or a family member, mention that a particular $ figure was expected as a gift. How was this information communicated, and by whom, zoosermom? Did they actually say that the meal costs $xx and you are expected to give $500? That does seem odd, not to mention rude. I would just ignore it and give what feels right to you and your family, and if the relatives don’t like it, too bad.</p>
<p>Two of my Ds happened to attend weddings last weekend. One was Italian and there was no money purse. The reception was elegant and a 10 course sit-down meal was served, with open bar for 300 guests. There was a break between the ceremony and the start of the reception, for pictures, etc., but the bride and groom had arranged for a room at the reception facility to be available for everyone, with drinks and hors d’oeuvres served until the bridal party arrived. I agree that these several hour breaks between the two is a mistake. If the reception venue isn’t available til later, then change the time of the ceremony.</p>
<p>Another D attended a southern wedding and the groom’s father was, indeed, the best man. This young man’s family is very wealthy and went all out to make the out of town guests feel welcomed. There was a party on the Friday night for those guests who had travelled to the wedding. The men were all invited to play golf on Sat. morning, then there was a lunch for them at the course before heading back to the hotel (which the parents had arranged) to shower and dress for the wedding. The reception was held at a plantation and the food, by all accounts, was delicious but I was surprised to hear that it was buffet style, which is unusual, where we live. This obviously wasn’t a finance based decision either so I found it interesting. The cake was several layers and each was a different flavor. This is a very devout Southern Baptist family but there was liquor served at the reception. </p>
<p>The ‘goodie bags’ tradition is fairly common these days. We’ve been to several weddings where guests are given a small gift as a memento of the day, e.g., a pair of candles, a small vase with a flower in it, a pot of honey (collected by the bride’s mom, who has honeybees!), a small box of truffles, etc. When my H and I got married, we gave out small boxes of a wedding fruitcake which was a custom his family had had for generations. It was meant to be eaten when the guests returned home and was said to bring good luck to the newlyweds. </p>
<p>One thing done at a recent wedding that we attended that I thought was really nice was that the brother of the bride took photos of each guest as they went through the receiving line. Later in the evening, the guests were invited to sign the guestbook, and the photos had been placed in the book! What a nice idea to be able to sign next to your photo. That’s the only time I’ve seen that done. </p>
<p>Whatever you decide, zoosermom, I’m sure your nephew will be happy that you’re able to attend. Enjoy the day. </p>
<p>p.s. I also have a mom who’s diabetic and whenever she and I are travelling around together, I always make sure to have a supply of snacks and drinks that she can have. I’m sure you probably do the same but I thought I’d mention it, just because it’s sometimes not easy to find something for them in a new place.</p>
<p>Weddings are a lot like college, many pay more than they can afford. It’s not only young girls wanting to be queen for a day, it’s often pressure on the parents to feel they are serving friends and family the very best. It would be insulting in many cultures to do otherwise. In the end the justification is that the couple will get generous gifts which will help them start adult life. </p>
<p>At a big Italiaqn wedding it is expected that relatives and close friends give generously, others bring smaller gifts.</p>
<p>My friends son just married a Chinese girl. The grooms parents are expected in her culture to give the bride significant jewelery as a wedding present. The bride shows it off at the wedding, changing into several outfits throughout the night.</p>
<p>Where tradition is not followed all bets are off. I’m seeing a lot the 2 families splitting the cost, barefoot brides and lots choosing small weddings on a Greek beach like out TB friend.</p>
<p>
You know, the odd thing is that if the bride doesn’t have that “I am a special princess butterfly and this is my day of being the unique glittery snowflake” attitude, wedding vendors seem to be really confused.</p>
<p>My philosophy as a bride is that the wedding is a day, and I want it to be a nice day, but in the end, it’s not a huge percentage of my life. I’m not going to freak out if the flower girl’s dress doesn’t exactly match the wedding cake, or whatever. And the vendors just don’t know what to do with me, which I think is a sad comment on the way a lot of people obsess about every detail of a wedding.</p>
<p>Also, for zoosermom – what exactly is a $500/plate dinner going to be? I hope you’re getting gold-encrusted filet mignon or something! :D</p>
<p>Oh, I think the $500/plate is amortizing the full cost of the “affair” over each invited guest. Probably includes the cost of the honeymoon as well. I’m sure they are all jumping at the chance to pay their <em>fair share</em> of this bride’s wedding, along with the costs for any children they happen to have of their own. Sheesh.</p>
<p>But if it is $500 for the cost of the reception meal alone. Well. I hope zoosermom will post photos of the whole she-bang if she decides to attend.</p>
<p>Well, if they’re figuring $500 for four guests, that’s $125/each and that’s a typical cost per guest for a reception these days.</p>
<p>A wedding reception is supposed to be a “party,” celebrating the day. Would you charge admission to a party at your house? Didn’t think so. Why is this any different?</p>
<p>We had a buffet reception @ $18/per person, followed by a party at our apartment. Twenty three people slept at our place on our wedding night. DH and I were not among them. They threw us out. We cooked food for friends and family who were in from out of town so they didn’t have to spend money on restaurants. It wound up being the model for the way we still entertain. </p>
<p>Mollieb, the vendors didn’t know what to do with us, either. I made my gown and the bridemaid’s shirts/blouses/sashes, did silk flower arrangements, and calligraphed my own envelopes. Baked my own challah for the reception and made the chuppah for the ceremony, too! I was just not into the spectacle aspect of getting married. I wanted the traditional aspects, but wasn’t going to get crazy over the details.</p>
<p>I think brides and grooms should remember THEY are hosting a party for their GUESTS, not the other way around. It’s a “share our joy” day, not “share your loot” activity.</p>
<p>If I had to do it over again, I would have had a simpler dress, done it in the spring or fall, had an outdoor wedding foloowed by a BBQ/picnic, gotten some real flowers, and remembered to bring the chuppah home!</p>
<p>Most of our gifts were gifts – we NEEDED canisters, comforters, towels, etc. We were young and just starting out. I registered, but that was in the days before you could register at Target, Home Depot, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc. That would definitely be more my speed. Give me hardware!! :)</p>
<p>^^yay, nice post full of hospitality, including this: “I think brides and grooms should remember THEY are hosting a party for their GUESTS, not the other way around.”</p>
<p>Or, if not the bride/groom, then the parents are hosting others and should be attentive to the travelling guests needs, within reason. Not that you’re asking for special attention, but your Mom’s health needs are truly important. Son, you and husband should be expected to cope, but…everyone should be considering the Mom, who is after all the groom’s great-aunt. </p>
<p>Zoosermom, it sounds complicated, familially, but have you communicated or described your day to anyone of the hosts, whether you define hosts as the couple or the two sets of parents? At least give them the chance to do the right thing. If they already know and just feel it’s your problem to solve, well then I know folks like that, too.</p>
<p>I think the easiest solution (if they care to be responsive to guests’ needs) is for the hosts to rent a hospitality suite for use by all guests. We started this custom in both our families, where everybody travels far and must stay in motels. It lets the other guests have a place to talk and visit, when the others prefer to take a nap. We stocked ours with food (must always eat throughout the weekend), crayons and activity books for kids, and so on. So you’re not just asking for you…it’d benefit all the guests, who only need to know it exists and can drop in on it.
Some hotels have a “suite” but when we got caught where there wasn’t one, we could always rent one more bedroom and ask/insist the management
remove the bed,but leave the chairs and add a few more. Since we were responsible for bringing a block of guests to their hotel, and our relatives are really pushy, we got the management to do this each time.
I had another idea, if this one doesn’t fly…it resembles the “kill time in a movie” solution but might relate more to your Mom’s physicality: head for a
public library, Starbucks, bookstore, anyplace where there are comfortable upholstered chairs and the chance to read to/amuse your 8-year-old.
Or, if the wedding is in a church, contact the priest/minister and ask if there’s a solution for you there. It could be a study room of the clergy, or a helpful congregant who’d take you in for a few hours just as a good deed.
Good luck.
P.S. I’d absolutely ignore the unspoken “cover the plate” gift expectation and give/pay what I feel I wish to, but no more. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she’ll be well taken care of by others in both families. You’re already doing quite a lot to attend. BTW, how vital is it to bring the 8-year-old? Maybe he’d have a happier day as a sleepover with friends. It would make your and your mom’s day much easier if you could concentrate on her needs and not divide your focus between their needs which are quite different! Maybe you don’t want to, or can’t, leave the 8-year-old behind for the day. It’s wonderful to take kids to weddings, especially of first cousins, but hopefully there will be other opportunities in your child’s future to experience this.</p>
<p>father’s day is coming up, lots of sales, I wouldn’t give these two a check if you shackled me to the wedding limo</p>
<p>nice girls think about their guests, heck at my wedding my Hs friends took the limo, and he and i went to the hotel in a friend’s paint truck (okay, i ddin’t tell them they could take the limo)</p>
<p>we only registered because people asked us what we wanted, but we had a HUGE range of prices, still got 40thousand wine glasses</p>
<p>anyway, I would attend the wedding ceremony, give Mother of the Bride a BIG boxed present that is basically geared toward the nephew, something for the house maintenance, get some nice lunch, and go home and forget about the reception, any bride that wants people to spend 12plus hours so she can have her “perfect” day won’t miss you</p>
<p>Isn’t your mom the groom’s grandmother?<br>
If your sister can’t make arrangements for honored guests (which I would think the grandmother would be) then there is something deeper wrong with your family than this wedding.
I would talk to my sister and let her know that she needs to step up and provide a comfortable place for your mom to rest between the ceremony and the reception.
I am of Italian heritage and while we do many of the things listed the main ingredient in our family weddings is love and family.
We take care of family above all else.
Do not give in to the blackmail of gossip and family shunning. Give what you consider an amount that fits in your budget. It doesn’t sound like you are high on your family’s list of concerns anyway.</p>
<p>We were at a wedding last week, where the food was TERRIBLE. Don’t know how much it cost them, but it was overcooked and dry, and the waiters just plunked down serving dishes on each table and you could serve yourself, family style.
A lady at our table, at the end of the meal, opened up her handbag, took out her checkbook, wrote out a check, put into the Congratulations card she had and went to the gift table to drop into the “box”. She told me that she always chooses the amount after she has eaten the meal !!!:eek:</p>
<p>^^HAHAHHA…what a riot, chocoholic.</p>
<p>"Just some FYI, and not insinuating that the OP is Italian, although the Corleone’s were, I found this site: "</p>
<p>I’m not Italian and neither is my sister, but my brother-in-law’s family is “right off the boat” and the bride’s family is from the same area of Italy. My sister is the queen shake-down artist because she has to be more like her husband’s family than they are. My husband suggests that I tally the costs that would be associated with attending, write a check for that amount and write my nephew a note saying that this is what it wouuld have cost to attend but I’d rather he have the money. Oh and they could afford any wedding they want, but this is the custom. The hope is that the kids will get a downpayment for a house out of the wedding.</p>
<p>"Son, you and husband should be expected to cope, but…everyone should be considering the Mom, who is after all the groom’s great-aunt. "</p>
<p>My mom is the groom’s maternal grandmother! I think you’re right about cooperation and consideration, and I loved someone else’s idea about a hospitality suite with a relative acting as hostess. THat would be lovely. But, again, no one is allowed to ask questions of the bride. We have to check the website.</p>
<p>I’m from NY,of Jewish heritage.All family and friends local weddings,Jewish,Italian,Irish all involve gifts of money not physical gifts.Its common knowledge, maybe not specified outloud, that a guest “covers” the cost of the plate.Over the years, its creeped up,from 50,75,100,now 125.Zoosermom is figuring 4 people at 125 each,I suspect.
I’ve seen brides carrying the satin purse,people just handing envelopes to the groom who then hands them to someone else (brides Mom,grooms Mom) a special place to drop the envelope (nephew just did this,a beautiful treasure type box) I’ve seen the decorated wire birdcages .I’ve even seen an Italian bride and groom sitting on chairs on a raised platform with people passing by in a reception line and dropping the envelopes off to them.
I had to go out of town to weddings to see actual gifts being given.One,in Chicago and the other (nephew) in Minnesota where the gifts were displayed on decorated tables at the reception and then needed to be transported back to the grooms parents house (we helped transport…even things like an ironing board).
Its all regional, and all ethnic.The Minnesota wedding was the first I’d ever been to with a cash bar and the dancing was after the meal not during the courses.
Cousins D living in Tennessee tells me cash bars are the norm.</p>
<p>Can’t your sister step up here?</p>
<p>I went to a wedding in Germany where they passed around a money collector. However it was pretty anonymous how much you put in. We hadn’t been warned in advance and didn’t have that much on us!</p>
<p>I think wedding customs are a mix of regional and ethnic customs. The Chinese wedding I went to seemed to include all the Chinese customs plus every hoaky western custom you can think of as well. Grooms cakes I’ve only seen at southern weddings. WASP weddings in my experience include lots of free booze and many toasts! Wedding registries for those who want to use them, but no pressure. (i.e. nothing on the invitation, but if you ask we’ll tell you where we are registered.)</p>