<p>I’m also of Jewish heritage, raised in the NY/NJ area. Yes, money gifts are common, but I have never been instructed to calculate the gift to “cover the plate”, nor have I done so. Rather, the gift is in multiples of 18 (which is the numerical equivalent of the Hebrew chai, which means life). And while money may be traditional, it is by no means exclusive.</p>
<p>In my experience in the New York area people expect a gift from the registry these days, not cash, and the people who give cash do so because they don’t find the regstry options appealing–cash is a more traditional (or perhaps old-fashioned) gift. With online registries so prevalent it becomes very easy to order a gift that is what the couple really want and/or need. Too bad this couple is not taking that approach. This wededing sounds like one many people involved with will regret in different ways for years to come and I hope the OP figures out a way to do what she and her family are comfortable with without either hurting the groom’s feelings or making themselves miserable.</p>
<p>"In my experience in the New York area people expect a gift from the registry these days, not cash, and the people who give cash do so because they don’t find the regstry options appealing–cash is a more traditional "</p>
<p>In this area, generally, the registry is for shower gifts and cash is the wedding gift.</p>
<p>molliebatmit - I know exactly how you feel! The vendors were totally confused by me also. I felt exactly like you did - I wanted my wedding to be “nice” and I wanted my guests to have a nice time - but, it was the “marriage” that was important. </p>
<p>I remember the difficulty finding a photographer that would emphasize candid shots - I wanted a few nice photographs but did not want to spend hours on “formal photo session” of every possible wedding party/relative combination. I wanted to join my guests at the reception! My photo album is full of beautiful shots of people enjoying themselves interacting at my reception.</p>
<p>Based upon my experiences over the years, the bridezilla who focus on “the most important day in HER life” is not the best bet for a loving spouse and mother.</p>
<p>Hello, agree with the poster that said the bride’s family needs to accommodate the grandmother. If that is not done, then it is extremely disrespectful.</p>
<p>In fact it should be made clear that you will not attend unless you are given an option to stay with family.</p>
<p>I have never heard of such rudeness…</p>
<p>If I were in this situation, I’d attend the ceremony, send a suitable gift ahead and go home. Demanding money to cover the costs of a reception is inappropriate.</p>
<p>^^yay, nice post full of hospitality, including this: “I think brides and grooms should remember THEY are hosting a party for their GUESTS, not the other way around.”</p>
<p>P3T,
We told the same thing to our kids when they were Bar Mitzvah. The party is for the guests. Both chose to have an open-house shindig at home, with touch football, frisbee, basketball, computer games, movies, a chocolate fountain, and various chotschkes from Oriental Trading (hint: glow sticks/necklaces are GREAT for all ages!). No dancing, no band or DJ, DS2 and DH did the cooking themselves. The kids wound up in the family room/computer room/basement and the adults were upstairs and in the covered porch (it’s not like we have a big house – just your standard mid-60s split level). All were happy.</p>
<p>At every wedding I’ve been to, having a surviving grandparent of the bride or groom able to attend the wedding is a BIG DEAL. Grandma deserves some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!</p>
<p>My experience here in NY is the multiples of 18 “chai” is used for bat/bar mitzvahs,not weddings.Perhaps Chedva’s experience is more traditionally religious than mine. Also, the registry’s are used for engagement/shower gifts not wedding gifts. The custom of “covering” the per person costs is implied,not demanded or required.But the closer “in” you are, as in Zoosers case being the aunt and grandmother of the groom the more implied it is.
Has anyone else had the experience of cash bars at weddings?We’re about to go back to Minnesota for the wedding of the younger brother of the boy who married last year (H’s nephews).This is at a fancier venue than the last so I dont know what to expect.The odd thing about this one is the ceremony is at 4:00 on a Friday afternoon,with reception to follow at 6:30.Seemed like an odd ceremony time to me.</p>
<p>Where I grew up the cash bar was common. Wedding receptions in lodges with food done by family and Smart and Final. I think it was a reflection of the income level of the family. I married into a family who came from a wealthier area of the same city where cash bars were unheard of.
I have two SIL’s who come from different cultures. In one of them the brides cousins are all expected to be bridesmaids and their families are expected to cover the cost of the wedding. When it is your turn the same is done for you. The families who only have son’s get off easy. My brother and this sister in law decided to go to Las Vegas and get married. For several years after that wedding her relatives still wanted her to have the big church wedding and large reception. She held firm but her Mom is still annoyed. If they had had the church wedding there would have been a money tree.
My other SIL comes from the Middle East. She was already going against the grain marrying a non-muslim. There wedding was a blend of east and west. From her family the bride and groom received cash and jewelry and I think even a few rugs. From our side of the family they received gifts.
What I find interesting is that the mother of the groom is not taking care of her own mother. The grandmother of the groom should be given a place of honor. If you can’t ask the bride questions how about asking your sister. Would it be possible to have your sister chip in for a hotel room for the afternoon for you, after all it is her Mother too. It sounds like you really aren’t that close to this portion of your family so who cares if they aren’t happy with your gift. It is crazy that they would expect guests to give a gift that would be a hardship for the guest.
I think the person who would be most hurt if you stayed home would be the Grandmother.</p>
<p>"The grandmother of the groom should be given a place of honor. If you can’t ask the bride questions how about asking your sister. Would it be possible to have your sister chip in for a hotel room for the afternoon for you, after all it is her Mother too. "</p>
<p>That would be nice, right? We’re actually very close, but only when her inlaws aren’t around. For some reason, it’s enormously important for my sister to impress/favor her inlaws. They are staying over at the hotel and my brother-in-law is hosting a post-wedding breakfast for his family the next day. The inlaws are the nicest people you could want to meet, but most are extremely elderly. They can never figure out why my sister excludes us from things, but there it is.</p>
<p>zoosermom, if your sister and her husband are staying over at the hotel, wouldn’t they let your mother lie down in their room? I doubt that they’ll be using it except to change clothes for the reception!</p>
<p>Chedva, that’s a fantastic idea! I’m going to suggest that.</p>
<p>that thought dawned on me as well.Grandmother of the groom should be treated with utmost respect and provided with a (paid)hotel room to stay over even if you choose not to.she should attend all festivities regardless of what you choose to do and her transportation should be provided for as well.Why should her enjoyment/ability to attend depend on your circumstance of needing to return home ?(thus her missing the reception and next morning event)
Your sister is treating her own mother with disrespect.</p>
<p>Agree. When I first read this I did not focus on the fact that your mother is also the grooms grandmother. Why on earth would your sister not make proper arrangements for her.? Have you even mentioned the difficulty for her to your sister? Does your sister realize you can’t afford a hotel and therefore it will effect grandma’s comfort?</p>
<p>Is this perhaps at the center of the bad feelings where a beloved nephew is concerned?</p>
<p>Countingdown - I’ll bet your son’s and their friends enjoyed your Bar Mitzvah party much more that they would have enjoyed the ones we’ve attended - many of which were more elaborate than the wedding receptions I’ve attended - in fact, many of the “current” Bar Mitzvah receptions are more elaborate than the wedding receptions of the kids parents which we also attended many years ago.</p>
<p>What a great point! Why didn’t we notice this 7 pages ago! The grandmother is a “guest of honor”. In fact, grandmothers are escorted down the aisle and seated just before the mothers of the bride and groom. It’s part of the service.</p>
<p>So you sister should be taking care of her son’s “grandmother” and including her in the service! And, helping her pick out a dress and ordering her a corsage, etc. etc. etc.</p>
<p>This is going to be a horribly naive question, but do people generally give shower gifts and wedding gifts? I thought we were done getting gifts from people who already came to the shower – two gifts is just too much!</p>
<p>
The photographer we chose prides herself on being unobtrusive, and told us we could request any number of posed formal shots, but that she really prefers to take candids of people interacting naturally. I’m really excited about having her photograph the wedding! Both my fiance and I have terrible smile-for-the-camera smiles. :)</p>
<p>I just can’t imagine not providing whatever the groom’s grandmother needs to get her to the wedding. I would be very sad if either my grandmother or my fiance’s grandmother were unable to attend because we hadn’t planned ahead for accomodations.</p>
<p>Mollie,
When I was married, the photographer came to the church ahead of time, as did the wedding party, and took the pictures of us getting ready, the bride and her girlfriends, the groom and his friends, some family shots (whoever was there) and some other kind of funny stuff. This was about an hour ahead of time. Then they snapped away at the ceremony (without flashing). Afterwards, we just had the formal shot of the families, and the entire wedding party. That part took about 20 minutes and we were off to the reception. By the time we got there, everyone had a drink and some appetizers and were happy. We got announced, came into the room, and all was well. (No, we didn’t do the formal reception line thingy). We had tons of candids taken at the reception.</p>
<p>I don’t get the two hour photo session after the wedding. I’ve gone through this before as an attendant and I can’t STAND it.</p>
<p>Mollie, haven’t you ever been invited to a wedding & a shower before?</p>
<p>Showers used to be small luncheons hosted b the bridal party with modest, but personal gifts. They’ve grown as elaborate as weddings, unfortunately.</p>
<p>^^^Yeah, showers are cutesy things…
Lingerie showers, or…</p>
<p>Who can forget the shower where we all wrapped ourselves in bubble plastic (I think we were “designing” a wedding gown).</p>
<p>You go to a shower and give someone a cookbook or something. You give the big gifts for the wedding.</p>