<<<“A few weeks ago at work,” Jennifer Lawrence wrote in an essay for Lenny (yup, I guess I’m subscribed to Lenny now! Well played, Lena Dunham). “I spoke my mind and gave my opinion in a clear and no-[BS] way; no aggression, just blunt. The man I was working with (actually, he was working for me) said, ‘Whoa! We’re all on the same team here!’ As if I was yelling at him. I was so shocked because nothing that I said was personal, offensive, or, to be honest, wrong. All I hear and see all day are men speaking their opinions, and I give mine in the same exact manner, and you would have thought I had said something offensive.”>>>
Yes, it is this way. However, the root is largely from the home. Moms tend to soft-pedal information, so people grow up hearing messages delivered in a more comforting fashion.
Mom: That top is too revealing. You need to put on something else.
Dad: Like hell you’re going out like that! March back in your room and put on something decent.
Mom: We need to turn off lights to save electricity. Please try to remember that.
Dad: Do you think money grows on trees? Do you think I’m made of money? Turn the @#$% lights off.
Yup. I had to learn this the hard way when I started in business. I not quite as indirect as some of the quotes, but women definitely can’t speak with the same authority men do without getting labeled and dismissed.
And it’s not just at work. If you have to confront your child’s school about something, schools seem to take the confrontation better when it’s coming from “the dad”.
Our culture just doesn’t seem to like hearing “to the point” messages from women. We’re supposed to “dance around” our messages and deliver them in a pleasing manner.
I think a lot of this is true, but let me play the devil’s advocate here and say I have worked with women as managers, and they drive me nuts. The value women place on consensus, as opposed to clarity, can be maddening. If you want me to do X or Y, just tell me. I don’t need to talk about it for 15 minutes and feel good about the directive. And in meetings, I have often experienced women resenting an agenda or timekeeper or any attempt to keep the group on task; it’s characterized as “mean” or “bossy”. Just one example, of course.
Until we stop socializing girls to say “I’m sorry” all the time (Disney, I’m looking at you. Even the much-touted Frozen is a cesspool of gender stereotyping apologies)…we’ll just have more of the same. If adult women feel they have to be apologetic or deferential, who is going to change that? The men? Not bloody likely. I think it’s incumbent on us to be assertive, be clear, and not apologize for it or care if someone is offended.
I think this is true, too. I guess I think the answer is for women to try to drop the apologetic approach and come off as mean, if necessary. Because if they don’t, they will be much less likely to determine what direction a meeting takes. My observation is that a group will likely follow the suggestion of the first person who says (confidently): “Here’s what we should do.”
I also only had this problem with other women, who expected everything to be nicey-nicey while, so to say, Rome was burning. Or all the signs were in bold that it was about to. And still, they wanted to make it soft. No issue with the men, at my level or above, when the focus was on the issues. Or brainstorming an improvement. Tech field.
Everything greenbutton said. A lot of the women I worked with were so focused on their gender and forgot the purpose of their work. It’s something I tried to cover with my girls, when they were growing up. I don’t mean steamrolling anyone.
There is one heck of a lot of space between apologetic/cowering and mean.
That is management style, not as much language. I learned early on that I couldn’t say, “The blank item needs to be changed.” I had to say, “It seems to me that the blank item needs to be changed”. Subtle distinction, but the men at my level said it the first way, and no one cared. I was labeled as “too pushy” and “bossy”. Added more couching and uncertainty to my language, and my career flourished. The guys did not need to do that.
There’s a Harvard Business Review (I think that’s it) article about how women qualify their opinions by using the word, “just,” as in “I just want to say” or “I just think.” As if they have to ease in their words- and how it is mistake, if you want to be taken seriously. I don’t doubt some women have to adapt, intparent.
<<< That is management style, not as much language. I learned early on that I couldn’t say, “The blank item needs to be changed.” I had to say, “It seems to me that the blank item needs to be changed”. Subtle distinction, but the men at my level said it the first way, and no one cared. I was labeled as “too pushy” and “bossy”. Added more couching and uncertainty to my language, and my career flourished. The guys did not need to do that.>>>>
I think some of that is because some males have a harder time (egos bruised) if they are directly told by a woman that something they’ve done or said (or have approved) is wrong and needs to be changed. Males are more used to hearing that kind of direct language from men (fathers, coaches, etc).
I know that even with my own H, if I say, “that needs to done X way,” he hears that as some sort of mean criticism. If I couch the phrase in some way, like, “hmmm…I wonder if we try doing it X way, we’ll get the results we want,” then his ego isn’t bruised.
Seriously, if I say it the first way, H’s brain “hears” it badly and he may even later claim that I said something even worse! (i.e. “You really screwed that up. You should have done it MY way.” Even though I never said THOSE words.)
^^see, my experience is very different. My DH is the last person I would lack directness with, and he doesn’t hear directions from me as a challenge. A household of boys, a family of boys, and I was always saying “If I want X or Y, you have to trust me to say so. If I didn’t say so, it can’t be your fault”. We were direct, and expected to be so, without being punitive or lacking in compassion for the basic human tendancy to screw things up. This was my parents’ model, and what we modeled for sons, in hopes that they would not go attach themselves to whiny, needy, manipulative women who want men to read their minds. Also, so I wouldn’t go crazy
"It’s hard for me to speak about my experience as a working woman because I can safely say my problems aren’t exactly relatable. When the Sony hack happened and I found out how much less I was being paid than the lucky people with *****, I didn’t get mad at Sony. I got mad at myself. I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didn’t want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I don’t need. (I told you it wasn’t relatable, don’t hate me).
“But if I’m honest with myself, I would be lying if I didn’t say there was an element of wanting to be liked that influenced my decision to close the deal without a real fight. I didn’t want to seem “difficult” or “spoiled.” At the time, that seemed like a fine idea, until I saw the payroll on the Internet and realized every man I was working with definitely didn’t worry about being “difficult” or “spoiled.” This could be a young-person thing. It could be a personality thing. I’m sure it’s both. But this is an element of my personality that I’ve been working against for years, and based on the statistics, I don’t think I’m the only woman with this issue.”
So much truth to that article. I have always been very mindful of tone when I am in a meeting and have always found that I can be much more direct with male colleagues of my own age. Older male colleagues seem very sensitive to perceived pecking order, even though you may share identical titles. I do think a certain amount of public deference is owed to the person you report to, but in private meetings I think being direct is actually appreciated by those who run organizations.
The thing that drives me crazy is that men will rarely talk over each other in meetings or interrupt each other when one is speaking. I find myself saying constantly “let me finish my thought.”
No problem being direct with spouse. He’s used to it But being from the north, and being direct, with a tendency to be more than willing to share my thoughts/opinions, that gets called something else down in this neck of the woods.
But being from the north, and being direct, with a tendency to be more than willing to share my thoughts/opinions, that gets called something else down in this neck of the woods.