<p>We have an 11YO daughter who is the youngest of four kids. Any advice on how best to raise her over the next 7 years would be greatly appreciated. Specific questions that come to mind are:</p>
<li><p>What are helpful things to try to do?</p></li>
<li><p>What are harmful things to try to avoid?</p></li>
<li><p>How would you describe a strong or ideal father-daughter relationship?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Thank you very much!</p>
<p>Just remember that your daughter will be looking for a companion who is like you. So… Don’t be a jerk, or she’ll be looking for a jerk to marry. Find out what she likes and nurture that. Special moments will include good conversation, support of her activities, hugs for successes, tucking them in bed as long as they’ll let you. If she’s really goal oriented then encourage her towards her goals. If she’s not goal oriented… don’t push it… enjoy the time she’s a KID.</p>
<p>Tell her there’s nothing she can’t do. Keep the rules simple. If it won’t matter in 10 years, don’t fight about it. My rules were always very simple, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, don’t date until you’re 30:), make decent grades. In return, you get to drive when you’re 16, you get to go to college, you get to go on school trips, and in her case, you get to attend college in the summer of your soph. and jr. year. I didn’t worry about clean rooms, it just wasn’t important enough to fight about. </p>
<p>We bonded at the mall; learn to girl shop. You might also consider father/daughter vacations or special activities. I taught mine to dive and took her on dive trips to Honduras and the Caribbean. She snorkled with dolphins at 9. Probably the best trip was the grand east coast college tour spring break of jr. year. </p>
<p>Let her be her and don’t sweat the little stuff.</p>
<p>Now that my dad is gone, I look back and see what he did that was so right. He was my protector, hero. There is something special in that father-daughter relationship. What he did right was being there for me. Who always drove my friends and me to the dances? He did. He attended every single performance I had. He wasn’t touchy-feely, but his actions showed me how much I meant to him. He supported me in the college choice I made. He was the one that took me on the college visit - Mom was too emotional to handle it. He was the go-to guy. When I was still a broke college student, it was my parent’s 25th anniversary and I wanted to throw them a party. I borrowed $250 from him, even though I told him I couldn’t tell him why I needed the money. He trusted me, believed in me. I could tell him anything, and he never judged - he empathized and helped me. That’s not to say that he never corrected me - his trust was so all-powerful, that merely a look was all it took for me to know that I never wanted to see that again. He made me want his approval and trust. He was my rock and my anchor. He stayed up with me all those nights of school projects helping build the volcano and doing the diagram of the house, etc. That’s what a dad does - he loves and supports. He is there for his daughter. Do that, and she will know you love her. Thanks, Dad!!!</p>
<p>Coming from a woman’s point of view (I have a 19-year-old daughter), the relationship with “Dad” is extremely important for a young girl. It can really set the tone for how she expects to be treated by the young men in her life during the teen years. Even though she’s your little sweetie, treat her with the respect and consideration you’ll want men to show her one day. She’ll get used to that, and will have higher standards when it’s time to date. Also, it’s wonderful to keep lines of communication open. Have a once/week (or every two weeks) date with her, one-on-one. Start NOW. Star gazing with the local astronomy club (my h did that with my daughter - lots of fun!), go-kart riding (if she’s the type), FUN stuff. Know her interests, and plan things along those lines. Ages 12-16 can be a very difficult time socially for young ladies. Other girls at this age can be vicious, so it’s really important for her to have a loving refuge, feeling unconditional love and acceptance from Dad. Try to be tolerent in areas that won’t do any harm (perhaps makeup, clothing styles), bending where you can to accommodate what she feels is important socially. Hold the line very firmly, though, in important areas (knowing where she’s going, who she’s with, calling you for permission if plans change, etc), and do so with love mixed with strength, not waffling. Hold onto your hat - If your d is like most, it’s a wild ride. But, hold tight and you’ll see a fine young lady emerge on the other side!</p>
<p>I’m wondering why you need advice. You’ve already raised other kids, so…</p>
<p>But the one piece of advice I would give any parent is to make sure you spend some time every day talking and listening, really listening to your D. You need to have the lines of communication open for those teen years. Let your D express opinions contrary to your own. Try hard not to judge the things she says. </p>
<p>Talk about sex with her now. If you wait until she’s actually in puppy love to do this, it may seem as if you think she’s sexually active, which is not a good idea. If you talk about the rights and wrongs now, when there presumably is no likelihood she’s engaging in anything, it’s more likely she’ll listen. </p>
<p>Also–as odd as this may sound–establish what the dating rules are NOW. Don’t sound as though you think your D is ready for this. Just make clear what the rules will be some day. My D knew that I was going to have a policy that she couldn’t go out on a date with any guy more than one year ahead of her in school. (She’s young for her grade.) So, when the guy two grades ahead and three years older showed up when she was in ninth grade, she knew the answer was no and she also knew that it wasn’t an argument about this one guy. </p>
<p>Tell her over and over again that you and mom will love her no matter what and that no matter what trouble she is in, she can always call home for help because you will always help no matter what she has done. If she does something wrong, do NOT blow up. Do not overreact. Especially if she “self reports” try a generous dollop of mercy. If a minor mistake makes you react too harshly, she may learn an unintended lesson–“Don’t let mom and dad know when I’m in trouble.” </p>
<p>Both you and mom should spend some one on one time with your D. </p>
<p>Get to know her friends, but don’t try to become their friend. Don’t knock her friends, but if they engage in destructive conduct, condemn the conduct. </p>
<p>Above all, treat the women in your life with respect. Nothing teaches like example.</p>
<p>this is a detail but I think cell phones are a bad idea unless for specific times when the kid is on their own away from home. Otherwise you will risk losing all sense of who is im portant in your kids lives because you will never answer their calls.</p>
<p>SB - good point</p>
<p>Engage her in family conversation and take her ideas seriously–make sure she isn’t always treated like the baby of the family. If she expresses a point of view , ask her to define it specifically and back it up with examples and evidence. Share your own youthful experiences with her --your mistakes as well as triumphs. let her see how the world looks from a man’s point of view. Demonstrate that you respect women and take them seriously as equals, while still appreciating feminine traits.</p>
<p>I’m a student.</p>
<p>Some simply ideas:
-Joke around with her.
-Take her shopping. My father hates to shop, but every once in a while he would come along, and when I would ask my mother which color shirt to get, he would tell us to get it in a couple of different colors! This is also a good way to police what she wears. You can make sure she wears clothes that are flattering and sophistocated instead of junky.
-Go on short trips with her. Driving into the city? Ask her to come, and go out to lunch together.
-Watch sports with her. My father and I spend eight hours a week together in the fall–four on Saturday and four on Sunday.
-Always believe that she can do anything, and make sure she knows it.
-Do not blow up in anger. She will never go to you again.
-Be calm, rational, and realistic.
-Have the rule where if she’s in trouble she can call you to pick her up, no questions asked. I would never call my father if I found myself in a bad situation because he can get very angry and irrational.
-Don’t get annoyed by the little things, and try not to get frustrated if she does.
-Teach her how a man should treat a woman. If you do that, she won’t stand for a relationship with a guy who doesn’t respect her.
-Don’t push her.
-Never compare your kids in any way. Recognize her own individual strengths and weaknesses.
-Loan her money, sometimes. Trust me, $20 every once in a while goes a long way. Teenagers shouldn’t have to worry about money. It is too much stress for a kid to deal with all the time. A little help is appreciated.
-Never reject her.
-Never tell her that you want her to be different than she is.
-Never not love her.
-Always respect her.</p>
<p>My father and I had a pretty good relationship when I was a kid. We laughed a lot, and we share the same sense of humor. Most of our time was spent joking around. We watch a lot of football together, and I know that some of the moments he is proudest of me are when I know something about a player or a play that just happened or a call than he does. When I told him I was gay, everything changed. We still laugh, and we still watch football. But, there is no way we can ever have any type of meaningul relationship again. He broke it. My father is too proud to fix it, and I am too dissed to try. One mistake really can change everything, so be careful with what you say and do.</p>
<p>As I look back the 1:1 time was very special and treasured-whether walking together, or a special lunch out, all of those times were very special. </p>
<p>Try very hard not to miss recitals and school plays. My father missed several school plays b/c of work, and that hurt. Even if your DD has one line in the play, I really think it is important to be there, unless you really cannot attend.</p>
<p>My father took me shopping and bought one dress with me (I thought it kind of ugly at the time, but he liked it, so I did not tell him that I did not really care for it), and I still remember the shopping trip and the dress.</p>
<p>He taught me values, and how to behave in a civil manner. My father was truly a gentleman. I never heard a four letter word uttered from him.</p>
<p>He told me his likes and dislikes and it was important for me to know about him, and his family. I enjoyed his stories, stories about his family, so that I understood my roots.</p>
<p>Sadly, he died years ago, but I have all of these cherished memories and I think about them regularly. These are what I find important in the relationship that I had with my dad.</p>
<p>This is a bit of an odd post. The questions are very general. Is this a new family that you have stepped into as a step-dad? If you have raised 3 older kids, and have raised this child for 11 years, it seems like you would have your general parenting style down and these questions would be unlikely. If you are an inexperienced parent, that raises all of the issues of step-parents, or absent parents returning, or blended families, etc.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your great replies!</p>
<p>To texas137: yes, I am experienced, with one boy in college and two in 8th grade. But I am asking and learning whether and how things should be different with a girl.</p>
<p>For me, with 1 son, two daughters, I had to learn to “disengage” from the emotional outburts of my daughters, and not run in and try to 'fix" things. In short, I had to try and learn to just let them be at times.</p>
<p>We have only one daughter, a girl, age seventeen. We are a very close family and I am so happy to see that our DD is as open with her father as she is with me. When DD was young, I was working weekend shifts at the hospital. DH and DD would travel to Knoxville to see our beloved Vols play. We love football and DD can talk football with the best of them. The three of us attend every home Titans game together. I would rather take a beating than go shopping, but DH actually enjoys it. When DD mentions shopping, DH says he’ll go with her if she wants company. They share a love for music and love to shop for CDs together. DH has taken DD and her best friend to several concerts over the years. My suggestion would be to take an interest in everything she does. DO NOT tease about “boyfriends”, no matter how young or old she is or she may not be willing to talk to you about a “real” boyfriend. Remind her that you love her know matter what. I think most women tend to find and marry men who have many of the same attributes as their fathers. Be the kind of the man you would want your daughter to marry. Just spending time with your daughter will give her the desire to come to you when she has joyous news or when she needs advice. It is never too early to speak with your child about sex. As much as you hate to hear it, your daughter has no doubt already been subjected to hearing things of a sexual nature. Sadly, middle school is a big year for things to get started. As a school nurse, I can tell you that certain sex acts have become acceptable (to the kids, NOT to the parents) at that age. Just think Bill Clinton and Monical Lewinsky. Most kids that have been surveyed do not think of that as a sexual act. Be available to her when she needs to talk. Being a parent is not always easy, but we can make the road a less bit bumpy by being honest and open. Good luck!</p>
<p>CD, learning when to try to fix and when to let be was one of my bigger challenges…it was like a mulitiple choice test where I sometimes got the answer right, sometimes wrong, but being consistent one way or the other wouldn’t have been right either.</p>
<p>Part of my outlook isn’t gender specific. I brought up D to have a sense of increasing responsibility from a very early age, say 3-4, so that when she hit 18 and was off on her own, she’d have a reservoir of judgment, decision-making, etc. to draw upon. It was a bit like student driving…you have to let them make mistakes but not let them big ones that are irrevocable.</p>
<p>In our household, talk is unavoidable. But talking means listening. D always had a strong sense of “self” and we always respected that. Some folks couldn’t quite puzzle us out: D had some restrictions that few of her peers had but she had many freedoms that none of them had, including adult-like collaboration in many family decisions. Not that her opinions were always catered to but they were solicited and they were “heard” and respected and taken into account. I think, for the most part, we always kept lines of communication open and we were free enough to be unhappy with each other upon occasion without doubting that we loved each other…D just commented, “You were incredibly obnoxious at times,” LOL. Always remember there are times that you will embarrass them by merely breathing on the same planet that they are and try not to take it personally.</p>
<p>Having only one child, I think that I lucked out in having a daughter in that I can do a much better job of teaching a female to be assertive in a male-dominated world than teaching a male to be sensitive and respectful when a lot of observation and experience seem to speak of entitlement. D has always been a shrewd observer, noting, for instance, how much more easily a man can get a waiter’s attention than a woman and just how “out there” she needs to be to function equally.</p>
<p>Best advice that I’ve given her about men is to watch how they treat people they don’t have to be nice to…waitresses, children, postal clerks, etc. [D just said that applies to everyone, not just men. When I asked what the best advice I ever gave her about men was, she said, “Don’t do it on the beach.” Urrk. Thereby illustrating that what we think we know and what is true doesn’t always align. It’s great that we’re on side by side computers at the moment…]</p>
<p>mm, i know you were just kidding when you said “don’t date until you’re 30” was one of your rules for your daughter, but my parents had ‘rules’ like this, they never said things like “when you’re 14 you can go on group dates and when you’re 16 you can go on individual dates” and as a result i was very confused about what i was allowed to do, concluded that i was not allowed to do anything fun, and ended up sneaking around.
so i would say, establish clear guidelines about when your kid can start doing more grownup things - makeup, dating, driving, etc. good communication is always lauded, but make sure you go about it in a way your daughter is comfortable with - my parents always went on and on whenever i asked a simple question, or made me feel awkward, and although they tried to communicate their methods just didnt work for me.
i guess the best thing is to make sure you know your kid well. it’s like when you start dating someone and you find out what interests them, except instead of a date you’re a parent.</p>
<p>thedad, you always have great posts and your daughter is so lucky to have a dad who was conscious of everything you are conscious of.
i’m curious - what were some of the things your daughter wasn’t allowed to do that her friends were? and how does she feel about those restrictions now? i’m asking because i always hear that even if you disagree with some of your parents’ rules NOW, years later you will understand; but i am still angry about some of the rules my parents had for me when i was a very young child.</p>
<p>TD, I understand you totally. All of my kids were encouraged to have a voice, and as long as their tone was respectful, they could say whatever was on their minds with no fear of reprisal.</p>
<p>Also, we always took the position that our kids started out with our trust, and that trust was theirs to lose by poor choices or actions. Like your daughter, our kids had a lot more “freedoms,” and lot more personal responsibility for making sure that their “business” was taken care of.</p>
<p>Scarf, we were thought by some to be Nazis about homework. The TV didn’t go on until the homework was done and in general, it didn’t go on for <em>anyone</em> until the homework was done…with the result that, except for a DVD movie or some sports/news, the TV could be off for weeks at a time. Because of her heavy ballet schedule that ruled our lives, there was almost a catechism after school on the way to ballet: What’s your homework? When is it due? Do you foresee any problems? Yes, it was her homework but we worked together to give her the support and the environment where she could get her work done. Homework was done downstairs in the living room, the computer in the office used only when it was needed…no computer or TV in bedroom for distraction.</p>
<p>One of the nice side effects for her was that she was absolved of household chores as long as she kept grades up and was dancing as much as she did. It was kind of funny when, finally, on a high school break, we had formal introductions: “D, this is the washing machine. Washing machine, this is D.” After a frank and comradely discussion with TheMom (you have to have read old Tass news stories to decipher that one), we also learned to turn a blind eye to the condition of her room, which at times resembled the aftermath of the battle of Marengo. Fortunately, she weathered the experience without becoming <em>too</em> much of a “princess” (she is called “the tsarina” for other attributes) and has kept a moderately neat room, clean laundry, etc., at college.</p>
<p>The other big thing was that we always were very strict about where/when/with who she was. By 11th & 12th grade, her life was pretty much a cycle of school/ballet/homework/sleep anyway and I don’t think it particularly chafed her. She marveled that kids in her high school class could sneak off to parties for alcohol/sex/drugs/whatever and their parents would never even know they weren’t home. Could not happen in our household. </p>
<p>We tried to never be arbitrary but “No” usually meant “No” and <em>that</em> one she started learning at six months. We tried not to say “No” out of mere inconvenience, for what is having a family but inconvenient, but one of her friends once asked her, “Can’t you wheedle your Dad?” “It doesn’t work, so I don’t even try.” Rational appeals sometimes worked and TheMom and I could differ on opinions and sort things out between us without letting D play us off against each other. </p>
<p>And for all that, I think <em>everything</em> broke down when it came to doing her college application essays…I can’t recall that we were ever more aggravated at each other than during that period.</p>
<p>As far as guys, she hasn’t had what I’d regard as a serious b/f but she knows that when she brings one by, I’ll just be sitting calmly in the living room, oiling and cleaning my Dad’s antique Turkish saber as I interrogate the poor chap. Method in my madness: for her to bring him by, I’ll know that she’s serious.</p>
<p>Btw, after her childhood habits, she has apparently become a superb time manager in college. I was really worried about her schedule this semester and she seems to have come through just fine.</p>