Father-daughter relationship

Parent Cafe
21

<p>This won’t be politically correct, but my sister and I were born in the early-mid 50’s. Having only a sister, we assumed my dad always secretly missed not having a son because he taught us what we considered “boy” things. He taught us how to do yard work and minor repairs around the house, how to check and change the oil in the car, how to change a tire (this came in useful when I was on a double date in high school and I was the only one who knew how to change it), how to push start my car and fix the alternator, how to whistle LOUDLY with a finger and thumb, how to play basketball and touch football, and how to ride a motorcycle (my mom wasn’t happy about this one). These have all been useful skills, most of which I have used many times and they all gave me a sense of self-sufficiency. </p>

<p>He explained the use of a well-placed knee if we were ever in danger - one lesson I’m glad I never needed. And he always made sure we never left the house with a dime in our pocket, purse or shoe for a phone call home (it was a long time ago). </p>

<p>Teach her to take care of herself.</p>

22

<p>ADad,
I sent you a PM.</p>

23

<p>Yes, I was kidding about “don’t date until you’re 30”. I was very fortunate to have an intelligent and self disciplined daughter. I didn’t have to ever talk about grades. My general rules were just that, general. It was never a problem. </p>

<p>If I could give you one more thought, learn to enjoy your daughter. They are amazing creatures and will bring you more joy than you’ve ever imagined.</p>

24

<p>asked the boys just now when their sis could date, in reference to this thread and another about dating, their answer 34.</p>

<p>they are totally serious… I will never have grandchildren…</p>

<p>they also mentioned the possibility of her bringing “a boy” home from college…there was mention of bodily harm</p>

<p>needless to say as a single mom, the boys have filled the role as a “father” figure for too long, all that power as gone to their heads!!</p>

<p>my dad, whom i respect and admire greatly influenced my life the most by living his life in such a way that gave me the strength to get through difficult times in my life and knowing he believed in me to make the right choices, whether they were right or wrong. He was gone alot (career military), but when he was home, he was home. Just having him home was a gift, and good-byes in our house were different than my classmates growing up.</p>

<p>So Adad, listen to her, love her, live a life she can be proud of and aspire to, encourage her dreams even when she doesn’t want you too, and let her know through action, deed and words that you always believe in her.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

25

<p>Kat:</p>

<p>Your story made me smile. Your boys sound like they think no one is good enough for their sis. She should retaliate and exercise a veto over their dates. :)</p>

26

<p>I’ll recommend two books:</p>

<p>The Wonder of Girls by Michael Gurian ( he also wroter A Fine Young Man)
Good information on understanding the basic nature of girls with scientific research on female biology, hormones and brain development.
He also talks about raising girls within the present day culture and the unique role fathers play. </p>

<p>For girls or boys: Too Much of a Good Thing, Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D.</p>

27

<p>I have two daughters (HS senior & freshman) and I believe I have an excellent relationship with both of them. I do try to set a good example for them, both in how I live my life and how I treat my wife. I think the latter is very important. I hope it will serve as a template for their expectations in dating and marriage. I try to build on the things we have in common: for older daughter, it’s academics, quirky books and movies, and music. We have gone to concerts, movies, discussed books and articles, etc. My younger daughter & I both love Sushi, and we’ve enjoyed many restaurants together. She also likes the sport of fishing. I am not exactly an outdoorsman, but whenever we are on vacation, I will usually try to arrange a guided excursion for the two of us. Above all, I enjoy both of their company and treasure my time with each of them. Hopefully, it shows. </p>

<p>Where I definitely fall short is how I deal with my senior daughter’s boyfriends & dating (younger daughter is not an issue yet). I’m not sure if it’s me or them (probably both), but none have been good enough for her and I cannot help letting her know that…</p>

28

<p>

As a daughter and the mom of a daughter, this is GREAT advice. Also, step away from the clothes, the hair, the makeup, the friends, and the boyfriends. Take on a utilitarian role. That’s how she will see you for a while, until she’s 20, or so. Then, she’ll start to relate to you on an adult level. </p>

<h1>1 Junior High Rule: Don’t tell her that she’s wearing too much makeup right before she leaves for school. She’ll never, EVER speak to you, again. ;)</h1>

<h1>1 High School Rule: Know the difference between lecturing and helping. Giving her a ride at 7:30 at night to get a dress at the last minute is helping. Lecturing her about procrastinating is not. I like bandit_TX’s advice: “My general rules were just that, general. It was never a problem.”</h1>

29

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<p>Are you allowed to tell her her outfit is too skimpy before she leaves to go out for the evening? If not, I’m in big trouble. ;)</p>

30

<p>Speaking from experience, Audio, it’s apples and oranges when it comes to clothes and makeup with junior high girls. Fashion advice does not incur junior high girl wrath like a comment about her makeup, especially right before school. She can chalk up the occasional “trampy” clothes comment to a difference of opinion, i.e. unhip, old-fart parent vs. cool eighth grader. But, makeup advice, and remember, they spend hours, sometimes days, beautifying themselves and getting that makeup PERFECT, will bring on the wrath of Xena, the 14-y/o warrior princess. First, there’s the black eyeliner, then a couple of layers of eye shadow, then some white shimmer eyeshadow, followed by white eyeliner, then red eyeliner, some black, shimmer lipstick…Voila! Ready for school! (I’m exaggerating, don’t flame me.) :D</p>

31

<p>Some of my best parenting skills were learned from my dog. Always be happy to see her come through the door, even if she just went out for a minute and no matter what she was up to. You can listen without having to talk back.</p>

<p>While there are many things that I have given up on to spend time with my kids, none of it was a sacrifice, everything has been a trade up. </p>

<p>As for rules, be consistent and reasonable and by the way, if it comes up, everybody elses parents don’t let them do that.</p>

32

<p>slugg, my D recently got a load of herself in some old photos from about 9th grade and said-- “MOM! I look terrible! I can’t believe I wore so much makeup!” :wink: They come around eventually.</p>

<p>MOMS! Best antidote for girls’ trampy clothes: Wear them yourselves (rather, pretend you are going to). One time I put on some ultra low jeans and a midriff baring top-- yep, all that post-babies midriff-- and threatened to wear them to some public event. She got the message and changed.</p>

<p>I propose one more JR High & HS rule: </p>

<p>Try to UNDERREACT to everything that is told you. Unless someone is physically endangered, do not intervene when told stories about friends. DO use these stories that are brought home as teachable moments but do not melt down, forbid the friendship, etc. </p>

<p>You cannot believe how much cultural info I got about the Jr High and HS because I would listen, offer perspective, offer empathy towards the kids involved, and never go postal. For example, she’d tell me about who was doing what to whom sexually, or who had tried what substance, and instead of going with the “I am horrified! Drop that friend immediately!” attitude, I went with the “Wow, isn’t that sad, that she feels like that is expected? That is really risky, because…” attitude. My D was usally more judgemental about these friends than I would allow myself to be. My main goal was making sure that she’d never fear to tell me something about a friend or about herself and that she’d know I could handle the non-prefection of her peers (and by extrapolation-- her) when she told me the truth.</p>

<p>We have very good communication; I know she would be able to bring very traumatic or embarrasing problems to me if she ever has them. </p>

<p>In fact when she was about 16 she was interviewed by a reporter, about teens and sexuality, while standing in a large group of kids outside her HS one afternoon. After the interview, the reporter asked if any of the kids’ moms could also be called for their views. Evidently she was the only kid who volunteered to give her mom’s phone number. The reporter who called me was really impressed by that.</p>

33

<p>First, thank your lucky stars. I would love to be a mother to a girl! Wah!! Living in a fraternity!</p>

<p>Second, some dos and don’ts from a girl who became an architect:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Tell her she can do anything–and back it up with your actions. Don’t let her brothers do all the ‘responsible’ jobs. My father told me I could do anything. I actually believed he was a feminist until 1977 when I organized a massive cousin reunion and he wouldn’t ‘let’ me drive the cousins to the event, God love him. He made my younger brother drive. It was a good lesson though. It lowered my expectations to a more realistic level.</p></li>
<li><p>Show up for her sporting events and holler at her in the same way you holler at the boys. Don’t pander. Give her a realistic picture.</p></li>
<li><p>Society has a way of teaching girls to be compliant: sit in the front row, don’t make a fuss, be the teacher’s pet, be a good girl, shopping is your nirvana. I was never that girl and my non-compliance–all those hours I spent out in the hall in primary and secondary school (some teachers eventually moved my desk out to the hall too), all those groundings and punsihments at home–worked to my favour when I decided to practice a high conflict profession, open my own practice in Manhattan at 28 and maintain that practice in different cities around the globe. Teach your girl that conflict, even high conflict, can be resolved without significant damage. Show her that conflict resolution can be done in good fun.</p></li>
<li><p>Let her make her own mistakes but feel free to comment. My father told me that I should not marry the boy I adored in college. He claimed the guy was ‘too attractive’ and had ‘bedroom eyes’. Bet I rolled my eyes at the time. Good thing I half-listened to him. That man has been married five times!!! :eek:</p></li>
<li><p>Tell your girl that there are a hundred million ways to be a wonderful woman. There is no one ‘Right’ way. Tell her that she shouldn’t believe anyone who tells her that there is a ‘Wrong’ way to be a certain kind of woman, working woman, stay-at-home woman, whatever woman. Teach her to listen to her heart and talk out the hard choices with you. </p></li>
<li><p>Point out gender differences so that when she gets into a hyper-competitive work force, she will ‘get’ the way men play the game.</p></li>
<li><p>Teach her how to develop a sense of humour and a sense of optimism. Men go so far with those two qualities. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Have fun!</p>

34

<p>Boy, am I glad that D was always a make-up abstainer or minimalist for most occasions.</p>

<p>D is aware of Cheers’ #6 and processing it. I agree wholeheartedly with #7. </p>

<p>And I’d synthesize some of the gestalt into “teach the difference between playing to win and playing to not lose…and why the former is generally the better choice.”</p>

<p>But I’d moderate Cheer’s stance on non-compliance to: know what’s important and what’s not and don’t draw lines in the sand over trivia.</p>

35

<p>

Hahahahahahaha! Good one, SB. :smiley: Cheers, so that was YOU out in the hallway, along with the kid who shot all of those spitballs on the ceiling? ;)</p>

36

<p>The ceiling? </p>

<p>After leading the girls on a “Run Away!” adventure in the middle of a nature walk, I was hauled up in front of the class by the principal, dangled by my collar while she lectured the class on the disadvantages of hanging out with a “ringleader”. </p>

<p>Spitballs hit me from all corners of the room as I tried to keep a straight face. My buddies. Ever the jokers.</p>

<p>These trials came in handy when I stood up for critiques by world famous architects, petulant clients and burly contractors.</p>

37

<p>Cheers, if I ever do a re-make of “The Great Escape,” I’ll consider casting you in the Steve McQueen role: “Cooler!”</p>

<p>Oh, and note: it’s bad form to holler at a ballet performance. One Mom, working stage crew for one and only one production, committed the sin of telling her daughter, “Go out and knock 'em dead! You’re better than all of them!” I’m aware that there are such things as competitive dance. This wasn’t one of them.</p>

<p>And, of course, her daughter wasn’t better than all of them. Had promise but was undisciplined. She wound up loving ballet…but Mom wouldn’t letter her continue an activity you couldn’t “win.”</p>

38

<p>Be willing to sit through the MOST detailed stories about school, the more detailed and long the better, it means they want to share, My Ds tell really long stories about friends, and school, and My H at least seems like he is paying attention</p>

<p>Go to movies you don’t really want to see, but your D does. My H HATES scary movies but does the whole lunch, drive, bonding things over the event, they get to tease him, and he plays it up, they are 14 and 16 now, and the movie thing is a ritual with the three of them, I don’t do the movie thing, it is their time</p>

<p>Do every father/daughter event you can or create your own, ie- go shopping together to get Moms Bday present, do a breakfast once a month, create the times together</p>

<p>Tell her she is smart, funny, beautiful, never ever talk about weight or how clothes fit, if you are worried about her weight (gain), just do something- bowling, rollerskating, walking the dogs- of course if it a big shift up or down, then step in</p>

<p>Let mom take care of skin care issues, etc, your D is your perfect princess and needs to know that Daddy sees that</p>

<p>Once my dear H made a comment about something in regards to Ds appearance- can’t remember if it was skin or weight- to him it was nothing, and it really was nothing, but to a teen girl, it was everything…</p>

<p>Be aware that teen girls are like rollercoasters- moods up and down, and when they are 8th graders, everyhting can hit at once, just enjoy the ride</p>

<p>And the 13-14 year old years are the most vulnerable- that is the time the girls can get lost</p>

<p>Watch the Movies- Thirteen (tough but oh so real), Mean Girls (just to understnad what D may be going through), Pretty in Pink, Legally Blind, you get the drift</p>

<p>Bring her flowers just because, especially after a rough week. Just daisies is fine</p>

<p>Give her tools- come backs for guys, responses on how to say no, etc</p>

<p>My H used to tease my Ds, but it was always gentle, now they can handle anyone</p>

<p>Give them opportunities to meet other adults, ie your friends, so they are used to having conversations that don’t include “like” as every other word</p>

<p>Have her stretch and get out of her comfort zones</p>

<p>Do activities for fun, not everything should be to win, as stated above</p>

<p>And love her no matter how annoying she says you are</p>

39

<p>Haha. Hollering during ballet would be a no-no. What about “Bravo!” at the end? I holler/cheer at kid’s sporting events–all positives, though, no nonsense or ref-bashing. The kids liked it. Like a true American, I am very loud. I knew all the names on the football field and would call out “Atta boy!” to all of them. The kids and cheerleaders made an effort to say thank you after the games. </p>

<p>My mother came to ONE of my basketball games. As soon as the coach saw her in the stands, she put me in. like a true benchwarmer, I tripped all over the ball. My dad came to few softball games but not many. Mind you they had six children, but they did make it to most of my brothers’ games.</p>

40

<p>cheers, I yell too, like a banshee. While she loved me being there, I think it mostly embarrassed my D. When my D’s old HS team went to post season again this year (without her) I went to the matches, and I yelled. At least 5 or 6 girls came over (independent of one another) and said how happy they were to see me and hear my yelling again!</p>