<p>I am a VERY proud Father of an only son who is off to college in 2 weeks. We are a mom/dad household. My wife is handling this well so far.
The college is 7 miles from my house, yes SEVEN miles.</p>
<p>For the past 4 years of HS I have driven him to school every morning , so the bonding that was made during that time had increased a bonding that was off the charts before HS. So, needless to say we are very close. A few weeks ago my son spent 3 days at the school for an event. Was really no big deal for me because I knew hed be home on Sunday. Well, the day after he returned is when the severe empty nest stuff started. He has been working with me at my job(I am an IT manager) for a month and a half, so he is everywhere. He has 5 more days of working with me and then I am on vacation for a week and then the Saturday at the end of my Vacation he goes to the dorm. I am reminded of him everywhere now, home, the roads to work, lunch places, my office, every computer in my office, etc.</p>
<p>Since he returned from the 3 day visit a few weeks ago, I have been a wreck. Crying uncontrollably probably 3 times a day with intermittent crying in between. He saw me at a few times with very red eyes, so he knows. He just doesnt know how BAD. My fear is that I am going to lose him. I have even told him, that I was afraid of losing him. He assured me that that was not going to happen, but I still get an empty feeling inside. This empty feeling spawns bouts of crying that come out of nowhere (like someone turned on a switch).</p>
<p>Ive read a bunch of stuff on empty-nest and I truly understand what everyone is saying, but damn its so HARD and PAINFUL for me. I mean PAINFUL. There are times I wish I could do something to immediately stop that pain, but Im not that stupid. I have been periodically taxing Xanax when I cant take it anymore, but I try to avoid that if at all possible.</p>
<p>I dont know what Im asking for here, I just felt the need to get it off my chest, Thanks for reading.</p>
<p>You’re entitled to feel sad . . . it’s the end of an era, and you have every right to mourn it. It’s also the beginning of a new era, with an opportunity for a more adult relationship with your more adult son. Transitioning is tough, but there will be new rewards ahead. Stay busy, plan some fun things with your spouse you wouldn’t have been able to do when son was at home, get some exercise to generate endorphins, and seek counseling if you haven’t already. Keep us posted.</p>
<p>Please talk to a therapist. What you are describing (fear of loss) sounds like severe anxiety, not just the normal empty nest feelings. There are medications other than Xanax to treat this (I took it for a while and hated it!). There is no need for you to suffer in this way when help is available, and you don’t want to cause your son to suffer.</p>
<p>Of course you should feel sad! Why wouldn’t you? The hands-on phase of parenting is over for you and it’s ok to grieve that.</p>
<p>When my D went to college, I was a wreck also. My husband practically had to drag me out of there. But I knew that my daughter needed to make her way and I swore that I wouldn’t contact her, but would let her take the lead. THe first few days on campus were orientations and there was no downtime. I thought I would lose my mind. However, on the first day of classes as she was walking across campus to her class she called me just to chat. I bawled like a baby. She said “Mom, did you think I was just going to disappear?” and I actually had, but of course that was silly. What I hadn’t expected was that she would choose to talk to me, to share, to include me. I don’t know why I hadn’t expected that, but I had the idea that she was done and didn’t need me anymore. But she did in her own way and more importantly, she choose to include me and that was so much sweeter than anything that had come before. </p>
<p>So my advice to you is to grieve, but don’t be too surprised to find out that your son cherishes your relationship and that the new way of being together is very special because much of it will be initiated by him.</p>
<p>And don’t underestimate how much you and your wife will enjoy spending alone time together. Good luck and please come back and let us know that you’re ok. Which I am sure you will be, because your fears are much worse than the reality will be.</p>
<p>I used to say that I was happy for my D’s but secretly sad for myself. I actually was very happy for them - that they were ready and able to start the next exciting chapter of their lives. I was excited to see where it would take them. That is what kept me going. In the meanwhile, start a new bucket list for this new phase of your own life, so that you may fill it with new things for yourself and your spouse. Plan an exciting trip. We did and it really set us on a new path as a couple. You will still talk with your son often - he just may not be face to face with you, but he is with you…“You will carry his heart and he will carry yours.” Surprisingly, your son will be home soon enough and you will have much to catch up on.</p>
<p>I was crying in the grocery store last weekend, helping my kids get apartment stuff. They both move out at the beginning of the month. I agree, it is hard. Hopefully a therapist will give you a place to process. But I know what you mean— you intellectually want them to grow up and away but sometimes emotionally you can’t help but be sad.</p>
<p>A new chapter is not a bad chapter. He will have new things to share with you. New things to take you to, new things to call you up about. You will fill him in about your news, and over time it becomes apparent that your kid is really good company! It is so much fun. The relationship is much more of a two way street – and now they are free to spend time with me instead of stuck with me. </p>
<p>You are sad. That is normal. You don’t want to stay that way or impede him, that’s good. You (and I ) will not always feel sad, it will stop. There’s a certain grief for the family life that changes so much, but it works out. Hang on. And try physical exercise, that helps too.</p>
<p>coffee. It is great that you have contacted a therapist. What you are describing is a more intense reaction than what most people experience.</p>
<p>You want the best for your son. Including the best father. He will always be your son and you will always be his dad. Going off to college is a nice slow transition for your family as he slowly becomes more independent and explores adulthood becoming the man you hope he becomes. </p>
<p>You don’t want to model unhealthy behavior for him. School will be a hard enough transition for him without worrying about you. </p>
<p>Glad you are going to find a counselor. You are doing the right thing.</p>
<p>zoosermom, God , that’s fantastic for you. Must have been a great feeling when she called.
I’m sure in the end everything will be “ok”, at least that’s what everyone is telling me. But DAMN, the road to get there is killing me.</p>
<p>cormom15, I am SO HAPPY for him, but yeah, sad as hell for me. I can’t even think about a bucket list or anything at this point. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I just want to hug him and not let him go (crying right now). I know I have to let him go.</p>
<p>coffee12, I always try to look at what I do have when I am sad about them leaving:</p>
<ul>
<li>My kids are healthy. They aren’t in my presence all the time now, but they are physically sound and in the world.</li>
<li>Your son will be close to home. You should see him at every holiday, and probably an occasional weekend (esp. if he can get mom to do his laundry :D). It isn’t even a long distance call to talk on the phone!</li>
<li>If he gets sick and truly needs help of some kind, you can be there in a flash since he will be close to home. As he can be for you if you need him, too.</li>
<li>I learned with my older kid that you really don’t “lose” them. You are still their parent, and no one else will ever fill that role for them. And like zoosermom said, my older D really was excited to share her college experience with me. So we talked on the phone quite a bit. D2 is a little more introverted, but hopefully she will text and call some.</li>
</ul>
<p>I understand the big hole this leaves in your life. My youngest (of 2) is leaving for college next month and going over a thousand miles away. I am a single parent, so it is just going to be me and a very old dog in the house after she goes. I also drove her to and from school every day for 12 years. I don’t have any big plans after she leaves, but have been thinking about taking a few math classes I have been wanting to complete (eventually taking some physics classes, too). And I will probably downsize in a year or two from my house, which is too big for me and the dog. There is an awful lot of work to do to get ready for that! And at my house there is ALWAYS a yard or landscaping project waiting for me, too. And I plan to do some more volunteering at an organization that D2 and I have been working with for the past year. I will just be trying to keep busy as I sort out the “new normal” after she is gone.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your words of wisdom, I really appreciate it. I wish I could hear from a Father who has similar feelings. Hopefully my crying and pain will subside as well as those of you who are feeling any type of pain or emptiness.</p>
<p>As a dad, I not only had my kids disappear but I know they won’t be coming back. One lives across the country. The other will be here for a few weeks and then probably only for visits after that. I understand that is the price of raising independent people. And also for not having a family business that binds them to here, whether they want to be here or not.</p>
<p>But if you’re crying and really sad and especially if this continues, then you need to talk to someone just to get past it. I’m not saying there’s some deep issue which needs uncovering or “mental illness”, but this could be a mild depression which, to be blunt, might respond to basic treatment like a short course of mood enhancers. Maybe think of this as a post-partum type of depression. Women suffer with this often and it’s still relatively uncommon for them to get treatment that would help.</p>
<p>You are not alone. It sucked when my kids went off to college. I downsized my career so I could be with my kids and they get up and leave. :)</p>
<p>I was depressed for about a year. Now it is several years later and it is fine that they are on
their own. I feel good that they have their own lives. I am very close to my oldest daughter. It works out. I like not having the two oldest living with me, but it is hard when they go…</p>
<p>It has been hard for many friends to see their kids go on their own.</p>
<p>coffee, you’ve gotten good advice and have initiated steps on your own.</p>
<p>And now, for a little tough love …</p>
<p>One thing I tell parents about getting it together is that you don’t want your kids thinking all these tears are in part because you don’t have confidence in them. And you’ve said you’ve already talked to your ds about how you’re afraid of losing him. I think you’re putting a lot on your kid. As many have said, your reaction is going beyond what most have experienced. I think it would be helpful to sit down with your kid and explain that you’re obviously sad but in no way does that reflect a lack of confidence in his abilities and your desire to see him grow independent. Otherwise, he could be getting the wrong message.</p>
<p>When I took my daughter (my oldest) down for move in, she was crying at leaving her friends (she was the first one of her peers to do move in). That night in the hotel, I felt awful – I literally felt sick. And I remember thinking: this is supposed to be a happy time. Why do I feel so bad? I think I absorbed her apprehension and then added my own sorrow at losing her. </p>
<p>coffee12 – it’s hard – very hard. It hurts. Especially if you’ve been especially close to your son, and his presence is so much a part of your work and home life. Is your wife sympathetic to what you’re going through, or she kind of wishes you weren’t taking it so hard?</p>
<p>You have to breathe through the pain. Like in Lamaze training – where they tell you the hardest part about childbirth is the stage called “transition”.</p>
<p>That grief is a real shocker, isn’t it? Like all grief, it comes and goes, and the next few weeks might be rough. It gets better, and at some point, 6 year past you might actually appreciate the new order of things, which is you and your wife and a great deal of freedom. </p>
<p>Do you exercise? If not, you need to start doing something physical, long walks, whatever will fit into your life and set of preferences. Getting out the door and setting off, whether biking or on foot needs to be a daily goal. The endorphins will help with with the emotional reaction, even if it doesn’t feel like it at first. Eating well and sleeping sufficiently is part of general good self care at this stressful time. </p>
<p>The empty feeling is something to explore with a therapist. I had a very eagerly anticipated bucket list. But nothing was really as meaningful or stimulated my creativity like raising those kids. Sometimes I think in the natural order of things, we’d all be helping raise grandchildren at this point, so the empty nest would not exist. In our culture, we need the bucket list and friends. </p>
<p>Personally, I’d find a way to lighten your reaction around your S. He needs to go off with a light heart and anticipation for the future, rather than feeling he is abandoning you. </p>
<p>Inparent, I feel for you as well. Being left with an empty house is another sort of shock. I’m still in the fix up prior to selling with mine.</p>
<p>Great Lakes Mom, I remind my self that the roof AND basement leak right now, and maintenance is a lot of work. So I am starting to look forward to selling the house. It is good to have something to look forward to… Getting it ready is a project that I hope will take a lot of my newfound “free time” this next year. For a while I was paralyzed about what to do when I sell it (where to go? where to live?), but I have narrowed the choices down to two. One is to rent in-town (I live in a suburb now, but used to live in town – we have a lot of great city neighborhoods, so I might do that). Or maybe move further afield (possibly Ann Arbor, which is close to my aging parents – but need to deal with job considerations if I do that). Right now it is just one step at a time (finish shopping, pay first tuition bill, get time off from work for college drop off, make sure D2 doesn’t blow off roommate communications once they get the info on who their roomate is, etc.).</p>
<p>OP, I don’t know if it is harder for dads… maybe you don’t feel as comfortable crying over your son’s departure. I really cried when I dropped my D1 off (made her feel terrible, so she called me every day for ages after that :D). And had some tears before and after. But watching them grow into responsible adults through their college experiences is also priceless. You will have a lot of joy with him going forward, I promise, even though things will be different than they are today.</p>
<p>Lergnom, You may be right about small depression. Who knows, I’ll find out soon enough.
Dstark, Sorry for your year long depression. I’m sure that was difficult. I hope I get “get over” it sooner than that. I’m already so exhausted from it.</p>
<p>Awww, I’m sorry, coffee12! You and your wife should plan to do some fun things to keep you busy.</p>
<p>He will still want to talk to his dad. You’ll see. You are NOT going to lose him! And maybe you can find another outlet, maybe tutor kids or something?</p>