<p>Classof2015 My wife is supportive and yes she wishes I wasn’t going through this. I’ve treid the “breathing” thing time and time again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.</p>
<p>great lakes mom, the first thing I try not to do is let him know how painful it is. He knows I will miss him terribly…Ive told him. He also knows that school is is major concern, not me. Told him I’d get over it. If he knew how much I’ve creid and how bad I’ve cried, It wouldn’t be good for him , I know. Hell, I’m the one that did ALL the research for college for him. So I want him to succeed and I know he will.</p>
<p>TranquilMind, I hear you and agree with you, but its very difficult to plan anything at this point. My mind and head are not clear. My wife and I will be doing things, I’m sure.</p>
<p>I marvel at the human need to focus on “how does x move on?” To pick examples at random: the focus of the bombing here became “how do the victims, etc. move on?” When Aaron Hernandez was arrested, it became “how do the Patriots move on?”</p>
<p>It’s an interesting question: it focuses on what we will do because we continue and the event, sometimes great and sometimes awful, is in the past but still with us. I don’t imagine animals think about what they need to do to carry on because they just carry on. Even if they’re sad, even if they can’t eat, they act out what they feel. </p>
<p>The Romans were great at throwing celebrations for heroes. I believe there are records of some 500 official “Triumphs”. Look it up on wikipedia. The hero stood in a chariot, painted to look like a God, and behind him was a slave saying something like, “Respice te, hominem te memento” (“Look you, remember you are a man”) or “memento mori” (“Remember you will die” or the more high-toned “Remember you are mortal”).</p>
<p>Or as the Bar Mitzvah joke goes, “Today I am a man. Tomorrow I am back in 7th grade.”</p>
<p>You never get over things. They stay with you. Scars on my hand from a horrible injury. Dings and pains from lesser ones. My favorite animal is under a rock in the garden. I can almost see him but he’s not here. I haven’t seen my dad in 21 years but I can smell his cigarette smoke and hear his booming laugh - OH HO HO!!</p>
<p>I talk to my mother though I doubt she’s really aware of who I am. And she can’t remember the call a few minutes after it’s done because she can’t even say what she just ate. She can’t bring up words anymore except those which fit old memories that were articulated in the past. And those are fading. Where is she? Gone inside herself and I’ll never see her again. This is a talking shadow in a shell which vaguely resembles her.</p>
<p>So you get on. The question is not what you do or how you do it because that happens. The only question, to me, is whether this is passing sorrow or something deserving of treatment.</p>
<p>One thing to think about is that you don’t need a really grand, big bucket list of things to do. It can be smaller – one thing I have been thinking about is trying to go hiking in all of our state parks over the next couple of years. But if I only get to some of them (not all), that would be okay as well. Or :eek: maybe getting a puppy or another dog from rescue or the humane society after my older dog is gone – she is moving awfully slowly today, it might be sooner than I think… Of course, once the dog is gone, I could actually do things after work instead of coming home (yoga class, etc.). But my ambitions aren’t too big at this point. And heck, they are things I probably could have undertaken with a teenager in the house. But I am glad I spent more time with her over the past few years – I feel good about the quanity and quality of time we have had. But there are other worthwhile activities in my community that I can see spending time on, too. </p>
<p>Some of this is just about accepting that this is going to happen. It is like the tide – I can’t stop them from growing up. I remind myself that every age of my children has had its joys so far – this next stage has them as well, even though they are a little hard to see right now as you adjust to not having him right with you every day.</p>
<p>coffee12 - You won’t regret getting professional help. If the therapist doesn’t help you can always talk to your family doctor about treatment for depression. My D1 went to college only 100 miles from home and we saw her at least once a month. With your son only 7 miles from home you will likely see him even more frequently. After all, doing laundry at home is clearly cheaper! 
One suggestion I have is for you to generally stay away from his school unless you’re invited for an event of some kind. He needs his space on campus and Dad dropping by every week or month is not in his best interest. Let your son come home to visit instead, and be the house that welcomes all his friends who don’t have family nearby. That’s what worked for us and 5 years later we still have contact with our daughter’s college friends.</p>
<p>Good points, intparent and bellevuemom</p>
<p>Coffee12, you will get over the worst well before a year…</p>
<p>You will have good moments and bad moments…</p>
<p>Exercise and breathing techniques are good. </p>
<p>Finding something you enjoy is good too. </p>
<p>You had a life before your son was born and you will have a life after he goes to college. Make it a good life.</p>
<p>And your son will still be part of your life.</p>
<p>I have to admit my primary emotion when D1 left was a bit of jealousy. I wished I were back in college/grad school, which were wonderful times for me. </p>
<p>It is never easy. But the joy is like the old adage: when you let them go and they truly do “return.” I let them know this was their time, but I was here, here to back them up or pick them up or even nag, if needed. All that frees them to explore. And then come back to our arms. It allows them to be satisfied. That’s a gift.</p>
<p>We’re 3 hours away, but also the place friends come during short breaks or when they can’t afford to go home. My girls have been so grateful for that and got to the point where they love “sharing” their friends with us and us with them.</p>
<p>Im a dad, and had a tough time when D left 4 years ago. I can relate. I felt pressure (self imposed) to keep it to myself. I didn’t want my wife to think I was feeling it as much as I was. Amazed that it has been 4 years already. S will be leaving in 3 weeks. Not as frightening to me …yet:)
I hate to make a simple suggestion seem important, but texting and facebook made a huge difference to me. Not live calls, as they can be intrusive on privacy and have bad timing. But texting was perfect. Facebook, with respect for privacy, no posting on kids wall…only private messages! worked great for me. It does get better.</p>
<p>And as one last comment, if you want advice, ask Jerry Kern and Dorothy Fields:</p>
<p>Some day …
When I’m awfully low
And the world is cold
I will get a glow
Just thinking …
Of you …
And the way you look tonight.</p>
<p>Love that song…</p>
<p>coffee12: I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I will have an empty nest in 2 weeks, and as it gets closer I am sad because my D makes me smile every day. But I’m happy because she’s excited. I’ve been mentally preparing for this for a while; I have a list on my phone of things I’d like to do and we have a few couples who have been great empty nest role models for us. </p>
<p>One thing that helps as we get ready for launch. As I tell my friends: you can’t miss them when they won’t leave you alone 
Technology today keeps our kiddos closer than in our day when there was a phone in the hallway and you’d call collect on a Sunday. Between FB, texting, email etc. there’s a lot more contact than in the past. But be sure to use it for good. Have a chat with your son about communication expectations and let him lead the way.</p>
<p>I know that you already know that your reaction is outside of the norm, and I’m glad that you’re going to see somebody about that. It’s important that your son be able to embrace college life without feeling responsible for your happiness. </p>
<p>It’s scary. I realized when D1 left that a lot of the things I remembered enjoying before I had kids didn’t interest me any more. So what are my hobbies? What do I want to do with my time? It all depends on the way you frame the situation. You can look at it as a brand new beginning with a wealth of opportunities, or as a door shutting. I’m a big fan of optimism, so I’m excited to see what the next year brings for my DH & I.</p>
<p>Best of luck to both you and your son. And give your wife a big hug so she doesn’t think you’re upset about it just being the two of you.</p>
<p>Dad here. Savor the fact that you have such a strong mutual bond.</p>
<p>My son (only child) is now 2 years out of college and what was a strong mutual bond is now even better.</p>
<p>If you did not care, you would not hurt. I doubt you wish you did not care.</p>
<p>I suspect there is more to the “grieving” than the son going 7 miles away. Men go through life changes as well, and seems to me this goes deeper then an empty nest. Glad you are seeing someone, and be prepared for other issues to come up- work, marriage, finances, your overall happiness, if so muchof your happiness is wound up in being with and around your son, there seems to be something missing from your life.</p>
<p>Do you think you are doing the son you love so much by not trusting your relationship? Not beliveing him and putting your issues on his back as he is heading out into the world?</p>
<p>You are forcing him, your son, to make you happy. Not his job. You need to “fake it till you make it”! And start right now. Get off the internet and go work out, go for a walk, take your wife out, just DO…and show your son he is free to go without worrying that he is breaking your heart</p>
<p>Instead of saying man up, I will go the unsexist adult up and look at the incrdible joy you should be feeling instead of such sadness</p>
<p>To paraphase Dr Seuss, your feelings are your feelings and they need to be felt. </p>
<p>I know what you’re saying seahorsesrock, but I don’t want coffeedad (remember: half & half is a gateway drug to stronger things, like heavy cream) to feel like he has to be all fake about what he’s feeling. I think he could pick his moment (maybe when S sees his eyes all red from crying) and say “I am so proud of you for getting to this point. You are mature and loving and everything I wanted my son to be. The fact I’m bawling all the time just shows how much I love you and will miss you, but I’ll survive, in part because I know you’ll be entering a new exciting phase in your life.”</p>
<p>Oh, Coffee, I’m so sorry. My DH and I had a very hard time, too, after dropping off our only child at college back in 2006. We cried most of the 6 1/2 hours it took to get home. We both moped around for the first semester but, when we realized how happy DD was at school, that helped us feel better. It also gave us an opportunity to rediscover fun things we enjoy doing together. We had to remind one another that DD had done exactly as we had prepared her to do all those years … she left the nest and she soared. Your son will do the same and you’ll continue to have a wonderful relationship with him as he grows and matures even more. This is a wonderful time for you and your wife to rediscover one another. I promise it gets better and then it’s really great! Hang in there!</p>
<p>Seven miles away is really close! Once he gets his class schedule, you could find a weekly time to get together to work out, have brunch or run errands together. He is not going to be busy around the clock once classes get going, and you could easily find a little time once a week to see each other.
My aunt and I used to take a walk together and go out to breakfast every Sunday…I looked forward to that time together as a break from dorm life.</p>
<p>I walked seven miles a day when I was in high school ( about 3.5) there and back. My kids wouldnt even consider attending a school less than 80 miles away.
I agree with others who say this is about something else.
Are there mens support groups in your area?
You might find sharing common events helpful.
Just don’t read my thread about separating.
:(</p>
<p>I had a friend whose wife was having a very hard time with child going off to school. He remined his wife that:</p>
<p>She was going to college, she wasn’t sick, she wasnt going to jail, she wasn]t going to war, she wasn’t hurt, she was doing exactly what they were hoping their daughter would do and why make the daughter feel bad for leaving?</p>
<p>It was the talk the mother needed. She found happy tears as opposed to sad tears</p>
<p>You should be thrilled for your son and show that.And asking for a once a week meetup withhim is putting pressure on him to make your life complete.Very unfair</p>