<p>Your son will miss you too, and he does not have your perspective or maturity to deal with it.</p>
<p>Take good care of yourself so he does not have to worry about you while he is dealing with this huge transition of his own. It is really unfair to have him worried about you (guilt approach).</p>
<p>Your feelings are very understandable, and I agree with the parents here who have posted about similar feelings. But we cannot dump our fears and baggage on our kids while they are taking this huge step. Find someone else - therapist, friend, wife, pet, hobby. </p>
<p>Xanax is not a particularly good choice for grief reaction - benzos are very addicting, make depression worse, affect sleep and may cause emotional meltdowns. Get a better medication, call your PCP today.</p>
<p>Coffee12, you sound like a very kind and nurturing person. One eventual outlet might be to volunteer with young people (or animals!). I found that that really helps, plus it takes your mind off of your own feelings when you are busy.</p>
<p>coffee12…I’m going to break rank here and suggest maybe you are absolutely normal and your response is absolutely OKAY!</p>
<p>It seems that the emotions hit you all at once when your S returned from his 3 day event. That which was only a concept until now became suddenly very very real. Your emotional reaction has been going on for a few weeks, if you are still in this state in a few months (or have destructive thoughts) THEN maybe there is a problem. We are so over eager to diagnose mental issues these days and to define behaviors as ‘out of the norm’ that we can’t really feel our feelings. People respond differently to different situations. Some of us embrace change, some of us dread it…neither is right nor wrong.</p>
<p>D left for college 3 years ago and I started weeping on and off during the summer. S is scheduled to leave this September. I haven’t been weeping…but then…I just visited a very intuitive and hands on holistic practitioner for a curious neck/back issue. All of a sudden, for no reason I had this persistent pain in the region behind my left shoulder blade. This practitioner has on occasion intuited emotions that go with certain pain issues and will talk to me about them. As she went to do an ‘adjustment’ she just said " I feel a deep deep emotional pain that has no where to go…it just needs to be for a while and then it will leave". The left shoulder blade is near the heart region. So, I started crying, and I’ve been crying on and off since that visit - a week ago. Guess what, it FEELS GOOD AND RIGHT! </p>
<p>It can take 18 months to 2 years to get over a significant loss - and some of us experience children leaving the nest as a big loss. It is not right, it is not wrong it just IS. So, I say go ahead and cry for a bit. Do try to keep it from your S and it is not his burden to carry. Then again it is not your burden to stifle the feelings - they will only reemerge in what may be a less healthy manner.</p>
<p>Go ahead and grieve in what seems like the right way for you…tears of joy, tears of pain and tears of hurt actually have different chemical compositions…they are their own medicine.</p>
<p>And yes, you will come out on the other side to develop and enjoy a new relationship with your adult S.</p>
<p>Wow…I wasn’t expecting so much response. I want to thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I will take it all to heart and keep you posted. Therapist left me an email last night, so I will be making an appointment with him today. </p>
<p>Bottom line is … I am so very excited for my son. I have extreme confidence in him in that he will succeed and be fine. I don’t want to put any pressure on him. I love him to death and will miss him terribly. What happens with me… only time will tell. I will try and not shed any more tears of pain, but I cannot promise that . Actually I’m sure I’ll have moments of the pain (happening as I write this). :(</p>
<p>I am truly tired and so exhausted from all of this. Once again, thank you all.</p>
<p>How wonderful that you have this kind of bond with your son. Even more wonderful is that you are able to cry and show him it’s OK to be emotional. Your love and tender emotions with your son are more than many boys get, and will teach him that it is OK to be close to his kids and spouse one day.
It’s an ending, but a new beginning of a relationship with your son as a grown man. He will move out, perhaps have a family one day who he will bond with the way you bonded with him. Your bond with him enabled him to do this. It’s a gift that he will pass on.<br>
What is hard is that the rituals of your relationship and the routines you established with him are ending, but your relationship isn’t.</p>
<p>Coffee dad, we also felt low when our D left. I kept very busy last summer, and when I found myself getting bent out of shape, I tried hard to deflect my attention elsewhere. We tried hard to be happy at the drop off, and there were some good activities for parents before we left. She is several hours away. On top of that we had some anxiety about whether her adjustment would be difficult. Between missing her and worrying that she would be ok, I did not sleep well until she came home for fall break. I am not sure when that feeling exactly left me, but she is not home this summer, and I do feel a lot differently than I did last fall.</p>
<p>However, I have had in my mind most of this year how poorly I adjusted (not D). From time to time H and I would see a family with small kids that reminded us of our D when she was little, and we both felt strongly that it was sad that this time in our lives was over. Then it would pass. I miss going to her sports events, taking her to parties and dances etc. However, we see how much she has grown this last year, and are happy for her. It is right for her. We also are more or less adjusted to how we keep in touch, how frequently, etc. As it turns out, we keep in good touch, and H and I are happy about that.</p>
<p>To be honest, I may still get teary eyed once in while when I am driving to work and I hear one of her favorite songs on the radio. How could we not miss her? Luckily, H and I get along fine between the two of us, and we have taken an opportunity to go out more. For us, we had the complication of my MIL dying a few months before D left. So for H, he was already suffering a loss. Now we have sick old FIL to visit, and he has been in and out of the hospital this last year. We also had a down turn in our business in part due to hurricane Sandy last fall. Without making a conscious decision to do so, we have become more involved in our house of worship, and I would be lying if I did not say that we have found a lot of comfort there. We have spoken a lot with our clergyman, and he has helped us. So talking to someone about your problems is good. We also walk our dogs to get out of the house, and they need it too.</p>
<p>I really feel for you. I felt pretty much the same when S1 left for college fall of '07. I guess I didn’t feel this was so “out of the norm”. Hmmm. There have been many posts with great advice. I will say, for most of us, it usually gets much better. For me, that was probably by Thanksgiving. D & S1 were extremely close and she was very lost too.</p>
<p>He came and went a bit after college graduation while he worked and applied for his dream job. He is now launched, finally proposed to his long-time gf, and has moved out for good. It’s an adjustment; always an adjustment.</p>
<p>S1 and S2 are now 24 and 22. I do enjoy our new adult relationship very much (usually :). They are both currently in the house buying phase and that has been kind of fun. Best wishes to your family during this time of transition.</p>
<p>First off congratulations on having a relationship with your child that most people would envy. When the overwhelming feelings of emptiness engulf you think of people who actually lost a child, or whose children might not be healthy and remind yourself of how lucky you are to have a happy healthy child who is still only a 10 minute drive away.</p>
<p>Coffee12- my very best male friend is a father of two young men and like you, he bleeds for them from the very core of his soul. Having observed him as a father over the years, my overall takeaway is that he is giving his sons a wonderful gift – the ability to know that they are loved beyond belief, and the ability to know their father values them so much he’s not afraid to show it. It’s a tremendous gift you are giving your son by being so emotionally in tune. I echo the poster above who said:</p>
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<p>But it’s also important to take care of yourself, and I am glad you are seeking a therapist. He or she may be able to help you articulate your fears – are you afraid that he is going to ignore you / have no time for you? be physically in danger / harm’s way? move to the other side of the country? have no time for you? What does this mean for the changing relationship with your wife now that he is gone? And exploring the source of those fears may be a very valid exercise. Best of wishes to you.</p>
<p>There are some beautiful posts on this thread. Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree that coffee is a wonderful father with an enviable relationship with his son.</p>
<p>I agree with dietz that coffee’s reaction is not necessarily outside the normal range. All else being equal, the more involved a parent is with his/her child, the more sadness, loss and grief that parent will feel when the day-to-day, living together stage is over. Of course there are individual variations; some people have an easier time with change, some people are less introspective, personality is a large determinant of how extreme the feelings are. </p>
<p>Something very precious has been lost. There’s no getting around that fact. Of course, no one would prefer that a child be leaving for jail rather than college, or staying home because he is too ill to leave home. The existence of much worse situations does not change the fact that there are negative aspect to this transition for the parent. If you have terminal cancer, does that mean that I cannot be upset that I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes? (Just an example; I don’t have diabetes and I fervently hope none of you have cancer.)</p>
<p>If the therapist can provide coffee with help through this transition, great. But unless he is unable to accommodate to the new reality after several months, I would not assume anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issues. And he cannot begin to “get over” this now because it hasn’t actually happened yet.</p>
<p>And if the father is indeed clinically anxious over depressed over this situation, so what? (I mean so what in the sense of “nothing to be ashamed,” not so what in the sense of “well, buddy, just man up and deal.”) There’s no shame in needing help during certain stages in life. We’re human, and we have feelings.</p>
<p>You’re so right, pizzagirl. I was very depressed after my fourth miscarriage (all IVF pregnancies). I felt as if I were living under a black cloud. I saw a therapist who specialized in emotions about miscarriage, she had written a book on this topic. I was disappointed in the first session, which seemed to just be her saying, “Of course, you’re depressed, who wouldn’t be in this situation?” But with other sessions (and I only had a handful), I found this attitude so comforting. She was extremely helpful, partly because she believed that my response was perfectly normal.</p>
<p>One of thing you need to do is to find other things to focus on. The best one for me is to start training for a full marathon. You will be so tired every day that other than eat and sleep, you could barely think of anything else. </p>
<p>On weekends, you could just run to the campus and back. 7 miles, that is a piece of cake.</p>
<p>Do you have a dog? Once you get S off to college, you might think about getting a puppy or even an older dog. They require a lot of work and time, and it really does help you with a focus on something new. Of course a dog won’t replace time with your son, but dogs do offer a lot of companionship and unconditional love.</p>
<p>I also have only one child (daughter) and my life pretty much revolved around her activities and needs till she left for college. It was a long adjustment to her not living here any more, but she has always kept in close touch. </p>
<p>I also went to school about 7-10 miles away from my parents’ house. I went home every other Sunday so my mom could do my laundry! I had a nice Sunday dinner at home and my dad took me back to the dorm on Sun. nights or Mon. morning. Maybe you will work into this sort of schedule. Your son might like to bring a friend over for Sun. dinner or you and your wife could offer to take S and a friend or two out for dinner. </p>
<p>I think you need to see your PCP about additional meds to help you through this period as well as seeing the therapist. You need to be able to function through this time. </p>
<p>If you don’t text, get a smartphone and learn how right now. I text with my D daily and it’s a great way to keep in touch without annoying the college student with phone calls at the wrong time. I always let my D call me; it works out much better.</p>
<p>One last idea: you need something to look forward to and plan for. Maybe a weekend trip with your wife? Or a trip to somewhere warm this winter? My 84-year-old mom told me that recently about always having something to look forward to.</p>
<p>One of my best friends told me when my D left for college: this is what you raised her to do. Maybe that will help if you think of that.</p>
<p>Coffee12, the most important thing is that you are able to articulate very well what you are feeling and understand why and where it is coming from. A lot of parents can’t do that. They hold on so hard that the only way for a kid to have any kind of healthy life is to make a clean break and put up major boundaries. It’s that old thing, if you love something, set it free, however, the corollary in this case is that children aren’t possessions. You can’t own them when they are adults to any other extent than they permit you to be in their lives. If you have done a great job, they will want to be close with you as time goes on.</p>
<p>In the meantime,you are doing a good job of recognizing this is all about you and your own process of moving forward … Just be really wary of reversing the natural order and turning your son into the one that needs to comfort you. It is an unfair pressure to add to all the usual ones at your son’s age and because you are a great dad, I know you would not want to do that :)</p>
<p>PS I second the dog suggestion. You would be surprised at what great emotional surrogates they can be, particularly the small ones.</p>
<p>coffee and others, I am so sorry for your feelings of sadness.</p>
<p>Would it help to view things from a different angle? I know it won’t take away your pain but instead of focusing on losing a dependent child, maybe think about the joys of gaining an adult child. Someone who has been raised well enough by his parents that he is able to live independently and receive a college education, to contribute to society and maybe start a family of his own one day, bringing joy to others. What you lose in physical presence can be offset with a feeling of pride and adult companionship for those times when you are together or communicate with each other. We were reminded several times at a recent college orientation that the average student contacts his/her parents an average of 13.2 times a week! That seems like a pretty strong connection, to me.</p>
<p>The first 18 years of life are a small portion of a whole lifetime. I think it’s important to let our adult children know that they are just as precious to us, and loved just as much, as they were when they were little. The transition to adulthood will be hard on those faced with letting go, but there are reasons to find some joy in the transition and in your new relationship with an adult child too.</p>
<p>I get everything thing that everyone is saying and it all makes sense. Obviously something else is wrong. I’ve stopped myself from crying about 20 times since yesterday and the times I couldn’t stop, they were about 10 second bursts. About 20 minutes ago I just lost it. Sobbed for a good 5 minutes and then about 10 minutes of calming down crying. </p>
<p>I’m just going to miss him terribly. That’s my problem.</p>
<p>coffee12, get to your primary care physician. What you are doing does not seem normal by any stretch of the imagination. It could be physical. You PCP can help you sort out your options for further treatment whether it be medical or mental health.</p>
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