<p>I haven’t read the whole thread.</p>
<p>Our job as parents is to give our kids ROOTS and WINGS.</p>
<p>Seems like the OP has done the first really well, give the kid WINGS and he won’t forget where he got both his roots and wings</p>
<p>coffee,
I thought of you this morning…</p>
<p>You are not alone in how you feel.</p>
<p>this morning on Morning Joe, there was a segment on children leaving home for college, and how hard it is for all the parents. They were discussing a piece by Michael Gerson in today’s Washington Post----</p>
<p>It is so hard, but life helps you get used to the new normal.</p>
<p>Hi everyone… wanted to give myself a few days after move-in before I posted.
Dropped my son off on Saturday, left him about noon. Since then I had two 5 minute sobbing sessions, otherwise a tear or two here and there. He posted a video on YouTube on Sunday night on his activities for Saturday. My god, he was having a great time, laughing, etc. It was great to see. The video was 15 minutes and I probably cried for 8 minutes (tears of Joy and Sadness). I was so truly happy to see him having a good time with new friends and sad because I miss him. I had to get out of the house on Sunday, so my wife and I went for a car ride and of course before we went back home, we were at Lowes looking for little things for his room. There is a parents BBQ at 11:30am tomorrow on campus. Again, I am so happy for him and so happy to see him happy. Guess I will have my tear sessions from time to time, but I HOPE the sobbing is over. Dunno if I can do that again.</p>
<p>coffee, I don’t know if it has been addressed already, but how is your wife handling the change?</p>
<p>I was actually more sad to see D2 go this year than last. But I am going to see her for the next few days as we get her moved from temporary housing to her apartment. We also have season tickets to the football games and have for many years as it is DH’s alma mater, so we’ll see her often (school is only several hours away by car).</p>
<p>I will say that my house has been immaculate since she left, and with her room clean, I can leave her door open and enjoy it when I walk by. D2 loves modern, clean lines, and her room looks like something out of a magazine-when she’s not home, that is. :)</p>
<p>Enjoy the bbq, Coffee. I enjoyed the story of the YouTube video, and I am so happy he is doing well. I am always doing little things for my kids when they are at school and they are on my mind a lot. Take care!</p>
<p>I am in the same position, my S goes away to school this next weekend. He is our only child, and it is sad, you look at the pictures of them when they were little, remember things, and think “where did the time go?”. I used to laugh at my father when he said time was accelerating, but he was correct. It is hard, because now in many ways they are their own person, they will be doing so much for themselves that we used to do. With my S with music it was always intensive, driving him places, helping him make his decisions, getting him through the audition process…and all the little things we did together. In many ways he and I have become very close friends, though I am obviously still the father and parent, and I think what I will miss most is going to be on weekends, when we would sit and watch football games together and the like (my S is a passionate music student, but he also is a sports nut, I think he would make friends in any sports bar anywhere around with his knowledge), I think that is when it is going to hit me.</p>
<p>However, I wouldn’t worry about losing your son, and these days, with cell phones and IM and e-mail and skype, it is so possible to keep in touch, be a part of their lives. I am not saying hovering in everything, just keeping in touch. And unless you have been a total SOB, it is likely he will always see you as dad and will want you in his life. Also keep in mind that once a kid gets to be about 15 or 16, they already in many ways are their own people, so if you have a relationship now, you will. And in many ways this relationship is a lot better than the one we had, in the sense that we are talking as two adults, as friends, and while I always will be dad and he my son, unlike the somewhat unhealthy relationship I had with my own dad (I loved him and we were friends, but there also was unhealthy stuff), we also will (I think) have one that is truly one we want to have. I think I saw a glimpse of this this weekend, I am in a fantasy football league with people I work with, I partnered with a friend, and my S is our ‘GM’, we met at a restaurant and had a blast doing the draft, and watching my S interact with my friend and myself, it really was of three adult friends, and I realized it wasn’t a bad thing:)</p>
<p>Yes, there will be a hole, he from the time he was a baby had tremendous presence in our house, whether it was banging around, the music that would constantly be going, the videos he wanted to show us of performers, he was a big presence (literally and symbolically), and after 18 years we realized we don’t really remember what it was like before he was born (we had been together almost 13 years before he was born…). But the other day I commented to my wife that for the first time, she would be able to go to a company Christmas party or we could make plans on the weekend to do something and not have to worry about conflict, or that if we wanted to spend saturday in bed watching movies or something, well, nothing to stop us:). </p>
<p>I also am looking forward, too, to hearing about what is going on, the victories, the tragedies, the funny stuff, and be able to be proud that the support we gave him and continue to give him, seems to be creating a person we can be proud off;). Plus I also know if we want to visit, we are a 4 hour train/car ride away, which is nice, he gets his independence , but we know if we need a fix, we can see him occasionally. </p>
<p>I think it is funny we call it the empty nest, we have a bird’s nest behind a blower motor on the outside of our house that for many years has seen several nesting pairs of little brown birds have their broods. When the time comes, they are brutal, the birds have fledged, and when they do, they can’t come back…which isn’t true with us:)</p>
<p>I think you are going to find that in a couple of months, suddenly you realize it will be okay. I agree seeing a therapist is a good thing, if it is hitting you that hard, but I think you will find the tears will end and you will start enjoying his life now, maybe more than you did before, and when you get back together it will be a new, wonderful relationship.</p>
<p>Nice post, musicprnt.</p>
<p>I liked this also:</p>
<p>[Michael</a> Gerson: Saying goodbye to my child, the youngster - The Washington Post](<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/michael-gerson-saying-goodbye-to-my-child-the-youngster/2013/08/19/6337802e-08dd-11e3-8974-f97ab3b3c677_story.html]Michael”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/michael-gerson-saying-goodbye-to-my-child-the-youngster/2013/08/19/6337802e-08dd-11e3-8974-f97ab3b3c677_story.html)</p>
<p>This year H and I have fully come to appreciate that our “boys” are now all “men.” Our oldest–married 4 years–became a father, and made H and I into “grandparents.” Our middle son finished his masters degree and launched his career, and our youngest graduated college as well, and also began his career.</p>
<p>I am wistful for those days when my bed was full of little boys and my weekends were spent at soccer fields all over the country.</p>
<p>But I really, really like my new friends. My men are wonderful friends. I am still part of their lives. They keep me in the loop, and still need advice and a cheering section as they test each new step and opportunity–which job offer to take, which insurance plan, being brave enough to invite the GF to family Thanksgiving this year…</p>
<p>And I am surprised how good it feels to ditch the dirty, hard part of parenting. I don’t need to worry about enforcing the rules, policing the homework, or conflicting schedules, or disciplining when needed…</p>
<p>Coffee…there is a big pot of gold at the end of this rainbow…</p>
<p>Did you have your other therapist appointment today? How did it go?</p>
<p>Had a very sad day yesterday (the day after the BBQ … BBQ was fun.) crying periodically throughout the day.</p>
<p>Saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. I think the fact that I never had an “adult” relationship with my father because he died when I was 18 (I’m 49 now) has something to do with all of this. I cherished the relationship with my son growing up (obviously) and maybe something deep down in my head is saying “You didn’t have a relationship with your dad, so now your son is gone and now you won’t have one with him”. But I know my son is not gone and neither am I.</p>
<p>I realize they are two different situations. A good friend of mine in his mid 40’s has a great relationship with his dad still and they do things together and take father/son trips periodically. I admire the hell out of that. I do not know what an adult Father/Son relationship is about and how it works and that really upsets me and makes me sad. I miss my dad and wish things turned out differently.</p>
<p>Btw, I don’t believe I mentioned this, but my son was born on FATHERS DAY. So, that bond was there from the get-go.</p>
<p>coffee – that is huge – it sounds like you are grieving two fold – for what you see as the loss of your son, and for your own pain at losing your father so young. I’m glad you saw your therapist yesterday. They can help you work through all these feelings. Sometimes we get these ideas lodged in our heads and we don’t realize they’re there until they affect how we interact with others. </p>
<p>Hang in there. Thanks for the update.</p>
<p>Coffee, it sounds like you are doing much better, starting on the road to your new relationship with your son. The therapist will be a great resource for you. </p>
<p>That column is beautiful.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>As a multi-decade veteran of counseling, you ARE making progress to realize where this comes from. Many men who had their father abandon them are scared to death to have kids lest they abandon that kid.</p>
<p>The fact that you have no “road map” to the future doesn’t change the fact that you have managed to create what appears to be a great relationship with your son without one. Many people have a road map and it is not good so they have to work to break out of it. </p>
<p>You can chart your own way. Do you really think that what you have with your son will wither if there is some space in time and distance between you? Heck, your Dad died and left you and you still have tremendous positive feelings for him. You aren’t even dead, only a short distance away from your son. Why would he be any different than you, i.e., continue to love his Dad?</p>
<p>Coffee, good to hear from you.
So happy you have a therapist to work with; seems like you have a bunch of insight already.</p>
<p>I lost both my parents by age 25, so I think I can understand a little even though everyone’s path is unique.</p>
<p>We have a fully hatched 27 yo son, employed in his field and living (nearby) independently.
Had a little sadness at his transition but am very happy with our adult relationship now.
He just met DH and I for lunch today and we had a good long visit.</p>
<p>You WILL find your way!</p>
<p>coffee,</p>
<p>I read this thread every day. I’m with you in spirit-a fellow <em>almost</em> empty nester (DD leaves 8/30, younger DS left 8/16.) I choke with sadness daily. But I know from my experience with DD that I will adjust. I hope you will, too.</p>
<p>Keep posting!</p>
<p>Just dropped off some cash, clothes and a rug sweeper thingy and paper for his printer. It was very quick cause he had a thing to do. </p>
<p>Sent from my SCH-I605 using Tapatalk 2</p>
<p>Coffee, that’s a tremendous insight. Congratulations.</p>
<p>That’s also terrific that you’re near enough to your son that you can just swing by with some stuff that he needs.</p>
<p>That is tremendous that you were able to identify this insight. You may be crying for what never was between you and your father. Keep hanging in - and keep seeing this therapist. This is so worth it. Well done.</p>
<p>Thinking of you. A new and different relationship will evolve. This is what we work for. You are having successes in your fatherhood goals even though they may make you miss the past.</p>
<p>Well, Hello. Things quieted down for me after my son started classes. He came home this past Friday for Labor Day weekend and went back on Sunday night. Man it was so great to see him. Had a 20 minute breakdown Saturday afternoon while I was cooking on the grill. He was upstairs napping, so he didn’t know. So, once again I got all worked up BEFORE he leaves and I’m “ok” while hes gone except for a quick tear or two here and there when I look at pics of him growing up or remember something from the past. </p>
<p>Still miss the hell out of hell out of him and all, but it is what it is now I guess. Thank all of you for your input and comments and thoughts. I appreciate it.</p>
<p>As you were …</p>