Please tell me I’m not the only parent fed up with the rather sudden appearance of ‘attitude,’ disrespect, and general MElinneum behavior from their (otherwise until now well behaved, respectful) High School Senior, all of which is being blamed on stress levels.
Seriously… Until this year, I’ve had a great relationship with my child & never expected, let alone deserved, the sudden change in attitude & behavior. Is this just MY child? Is this ugly monster rearing its head because it’s just that time in development? Is it really just the stress of college applications & the process? Or is something just seriously wrong with just my kid???
It is common, some of it is probably stress related, some of its trying to gain independence and separate while at the same time being fearful of doing so and the changes ahead. I’ve seen it referred to as “soiling the nest”.
One benefit is it does make it easier to separate from your child come college time.
Hang in there! A lot of us have been through it to varying degrees.
I got so fed up I sent my child off on a cross state road trip on their own for an on campus interview & tour because I just got too fed up with the attitude. Had been planning to go along, but just snapped & said go by yourself then. Sigh. Might be just what was needed for us both, but still… Has me feeling like Crappy Parent of the Year right now
If what you said is true “I had a great relationship with my child”, I can reassure you that this period of " sudden change" won’t last long. It could be just a few months to a year. Keep calm, I guess you still want your child to share his college life with you later.
You’re lucky your kid lasted that long without turning into a terrible teen. Just like toddlers, teens are pushing for independence and a sense of self. Being self centered is the norm. Not wanting to interact with parents also. It may get worse, not better, as the school year and summer progress. They push at you every which way they can it seems.
Do not insist on the same behaviors you expect from a dutiful child. The child is becoming an adult and treating older teens as you would other adults may help them treat you better. Your HS senior is testing limits. The stress of college apps adds to the mix. Perhaps ignoring the teen as you would an unpleasant coworker would help. The senior is starting to separate from you by now. S/he should be becoming mostly self sufficient by now.
Anyone else quit going on family trips at this stage? We have one son and it wasn’t worth the attitude expressed (he wasn’t the only teen I saw left in the car at a site we visited on our final trip with him). H and son did the college trip- perhaps if I had gone they would have visited a couple of convenient schools instead of passing them by (way too late now- he has his degree).
Nothing wrong with your kid. Is there anything wrong with your expectations or how YOU treat your emerging adult???
It happens, it’s common, and you just both have to push through it. I have a great relationship with my older step-daughters, but their junior year of high school, when I asked them to get serious about deciding where they wanted to tour, it became all too real for them and they were more than a little moody. They had attitude I didn’t think either was capable of. One of my SDs became very withdrawn from me specifically, the other I clashed with constantly. But it got better, and they just needed to know that they still had support. They’re doing great in college now and that high school attitude hasn’t made a reappearance.
It’s not just you. Our D2 is going through something similar. Hate to say it, but we found the first year away to be worse with D1. Her first break she was the biggest pain in the behind that we seriously discussed sending her back to school early. Her attitude was that she was a “guest” in our home and shouldn’t be expected to follow basic house rules. Finally we told her she was a lousy "guest"and she should look into getting a hotel room the next time she came to visit. Things got much better after that, but I really, really, really hope D2 doesn’t follow her sister’s example next year.
Thanks for the insights. I don’t feel quite so bad now. I’m REALLY hoping this is just a phase & it’s the pressures & fears that are getting the better of the situation. Knowing I’m not the only one helps a lot.
@wis75 - I’ve rarely ever ‘told’ anyone or interact with anyone with an ‘I told you’ approach. Even with toddlers, I ask, not tell with the exception of things that will cause bodily harm. Firm believer in speaking the way I want to be spoken to. So the sudden hostility that seems to come from nowhere is frustrating. It’s like I’m living with a hand grenade that I have no idea of when it will go off.
@hmays1 - I almost wanted to laugh as I read your comment. Almost. My husband has actually commented that our kid is basically acting as if our home is just an extended stay, all inclusive hotel and wanted to know when he’s going start paying for his stay if that’s how it’s going to be. This whole one foot in and one foot out the door thing just doesn’t work so well here despite the fact I’ve repeatedly been informed that that’s not the case from our HS ‘guest’ kid.
@jumbletumbles - The Parents’ Forum is for postings by parents that are specifically related to colleges or the application process. The Parents’ Cafe is for everything and anything else. Welcome to CC!
There is a difference between understanding why they are behaving in such way vs allowing them to be rude. My kids also went through such period, not in their teens, but later. I am still dealing with it a bit with D2. I am the only parent at home for D2 now, so she tends to save her bad and ugly for me. I will call her out when she is being rude and inconsiderate. She is old enough now that she will apologize.
When D1 used to come home from college, I expected to be a good guest - make bed, have few meals with us, let us know when she was going to be home, help out around the house when necessary(set the table, clean up after dinner, and not leave her stuff around).
It became a countdown for me when my daughter was a senior. And it was bittersweet too. I hated feeling so irritated by her. Now she texts and snapchat or calls every day. She’s going to stay for a summer session this year. I love her beyond words but she’s better off having more action and excitement than our little town provides.
Here on CC, we call it “fouling the nest.” They want their independence and to head off to college, but are swamped with applications, school, ECs and friends, and the realization that their lives are about to be turned upside down. Parents are a safe target for all these conflicting emotions.
Our middle son was a real PITA. He hated us, would never step foot in Maine again, etc., etc. He was going off on a gap year program (that he raised the money for), and I told him a week before he left that I couldn’t WAIT for him to be gone. So he got all offended, ha.
Flash forward a year and a half. After doing a second gap year program (again he raised all the money), he is living at home, working as a bank teller to save money for college (we will help out as much as we can). He says thank you often, tells us he loves us, pays rent without being reminded (I will surprised him and give all of that back to him at some point), etc. He’s a totally different person at 20 than he was at 18. If HE can change like that, I think just about any kid can!
Our older son, the one whose mental illness started at age 18, never went through that phase as a teenager. He saved it up for age 22! Yikes. He’s getting through it now, but it was a rough few months.
Our youngest, a high school senior, hasn’t been too bad, but I’m expecting it to happen before long.
Been there as well. Great relationships with both, then senior year hit. Major nest fouling. Seriously, who were these aliens? Then, off to college, and first Thanksgiving home, both were mostly back to normal, pleasant kids.
@hmays1 - totally been there! D1 is in her second year of college - we love her dearly and she is a joy on the phone but oy, those times home have been the hardest. She finally settled mid summer after her first year and things seemed to be so much better, but we went for the second (and last time!!) to parents weekend in October and she complained about everything - how early we were making her get up to join us (1pm!!!) how uninterested she was in what we wanted to do versus what she wanted to do, let us know how much she was missing out on campus by being with us (she spent half her time on her phone texting her roommates) and then as we were in the airport waiting to fly home, she called and texted how much she loved having us, how much she misses us already and how she wishes she had cuddled and hung out with us more! Go figure! I’ve heard this peaks first year or summer home and then gets better and better - so keeping our fingers crossed. And not excited but prepared to go through this with D2 who is now a senior in HS…
Maybe I’m remembering through rose tinted glasses, but I don’t recall going through this when I was that age. I wasn’t a perfect angel, of course! Ha! But was just very focused on biting my tongue & keeping my head down at home my senior year, knowing that the end was in sight. Basically, I kept my eyes on the fact that living at college was so very in reach finally that I found it easier than ever to ignore things at home that drove me crazy. Same applied for my younger sister when she hit senior year.
So I guess I just wasn’t prepared for this reaction from my own spawn. It’s like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. One day a loving, generous, thoughtful person and then at any moment a self centered, inconsiderate, disrespectful alien comes and body snatches! Ugh
