<p>Before I met Mary, I was blind. Born into a wealthy family, she aspired to be an actress, a star; famous, beautiful, and eternally loved. A little souvenir from China flipped her entire world around, as an unknown virus weakened her to a state of paralysis. Despite this, she revealed her bottomless heart and started helping those in need. As a Community Service Club Officer, it’s my turn now. Sat, 10:23 AM, ACTS shelter. Mary brought me here. Children laughing at my feet, freshly cut snowflakes on windows. Red, gold, and sparkles everywhere. One of the teenage residents comes up to me smiling rigidly with her 8-month-old son in her arms. “I’d never really felt Christmas before today,” she whispers, and asks me to take a picture of them. Soon all of the children are lining up for portraits, giggling and shaking from excitement. From the corner of my eye, I see a father wiping away tears with the back of his hand. It’s so easy to ignore what you close your eyes from. Now, I can see.</p>
<p>Its really well written, the only suggestion that comes to mind is in the sentence “red, gold, and sparkles everywhere.” I’m not really sure if you mean “red and gold sparkles everywhere” or if there is “red, gold, and glitter everywhere”. I’m just not exactly clear what the sentence is stating. Its kind of splitting hairs though. </p>
<p>Above all else, a sense of maturity absolutely felt when reading this.</p>
<p>It’s good. A very, very minor thing I noticed (and it’s okay for you not to care), is that your general sentence structures are often repetitive: dependent clause, independent clause.
Examples:
“Before I met Mary, I was…”
“Born into a wealthy family, she aspired…”
“Despite this, she revealed…”
“As a Community Service Club Officer, it’s…”</p>
<p>And so on - I’m just fishing for errors here, but other than that repetitive dependent-independent structure, it’s very well written.</p>
<p>kpeterson2011 - thank you! As for the sparkles, I was going more for the glitter and general sparkle that the decorations create. Ethereality3 - thanks for pointing out the repetitive structure, I hadn’t noticed it myself but thinking of it now realized that I do it quite a lot in all of my writing!</p>