Feeling distant from my son (and sad about it)

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m here at CC because of my junior D…but i write today with angst over my freshman S :frowning: and wondering if you all have advice for me. </p>

<p>My son is 15 and a good kid…but just so different than my daughter. D has never dated (and literally doesn’t care…she’s well-loved by friends and is just one of those happy kids). S is different…he’s a lot more popular than D (as a freshman ,he’s top-seed on school tennis team and this has flung him into the spotlight) and just moodier. My D and I can talk all day…i’m just not sure what to say to my son. When he arrives home (he’s on two teams so he’s not home that often), he goes right to the computer for homework…and he’s on there for hours…doing a combo of homework & probably other stuff (same thing I do…some work/some not work ) He also has girls texting him a lot…something that I don’t have experience with with D. My husband says that boys grow away from their moms…i sort of get that but 1) really? and 2) it’s not like i want to talk with him about deep subjects all day and 3) how can I reach out to him? I"m just feeling really sad about this…and a bit clueless. </p>

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<p>I don’t have any great advice for you, but you can always count on that he’ll need you for something. Whether it’s money or food, there’s always something that Mom can do for him. If it was me (and I’ve done this), I would tell him that I miss him when he’s gone all the time, and that every now and then I just need a hug from him. For the moment, that might be enough. </p>

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<p>S is a bit of a scatterbrain and when he was in HS I made a regular practice of reviewing his day in a brief chat in an attempt to keep him on track (often a failed attempt, but I tried). Now he’s a Junior in college and managing fairly well, but I still get the lowdown when I can. </p>

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<p>SH- My senior son is similar in personality. Never a big talker and now with college plans in sight, he is less at home and more with his friends. We do talk less, but whenever he starts a conversation, I drop everything I’m doing to listen and “be in the moment” with him. I try not to bombard him with questions. This has been a two year process and I was also incredibly sad at times -my little boy is growing away from me. So I counted my blessings…He is healthy, happy & successful. So far his Dad and I have done our jobs. I try to think of this as a stage. I don’t have a daughter and my friends with boys seem to go through this same process. Good Luck!</p>

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<p>Do you have family dinnertime or can you steal a few mins at the breakfast counter before he leaves for school? I think you have to look for small bits of places that are routine to steal some time. Do you go to his tennis matches? That would give you stuff to talk about as well (even if not his matches, teammate matches).</p>

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<p>SouthernHope - I teared up reading your post. My S1 is also like this. It hurts me to read that “sons grow away from their moms”. I prefer to think about it as that they just don’t want the questions about all the little stuff or the personal stuff with their moms. Instead of hearing them as simple conversational questions, I think they hear “I want all the details in your life and then I want to give you input as to how to handle things”. It takes a great amount of self control to bite my tongue. Try to find times when you can be alone with your son (driving, raking, making homemade pizzas) and just keep quiet and let him initiate the talk. </p>

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<p>I feel your pain. Just recently my junior DS complained that all we ever do is talk about school. That was a wake up call. I’m trying to find things that he likes to talk about, and use those topics as my foot in the door. He’ll gladly talk about computer games (ugh) all day, so I am trying to meet him there and am learning all sorts of things about them. Then I can sneak in a question or two about things I think are important. My DS also holes up in his room for hours at a time, but a homemade chocolate milkshake and an invite to watch his favorite low brow tv (think American Dad or South Park…double ugh!) usually will bring him downstairs. If my older DS is typical, they do tend to grow up and away. Great phone calls about 1-2 x a month, but he is enjoying being free and independent. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Me too. My little boy who used to tell me everything and wanted to hold my hand and snuggle with me and cared about my opinion is gone. It makes me sad, too. </p>

<p>The pulling away was gradual. I noticed it most when he had his first girlfriend. I was happy for him and did what I could to enable him (i.e. suggest getting her a little present when we went away on vacation) because I know it is normal. Doesn’t make it any easier. And boys just seem to share less as they get older.</p>

<p>I do get flashes of the old relationship. We have some of the same nerdy interests. We appreciate each others’ humor. He does come to me when he needs something. He does tell me when he has big news. When he sends me a text with a picture of something I would appreciate, I am thrilled. </p>

<p>Like shellz I will create a moment if I have to, offering food and non talking company to watch a dumb show he likes. Then we can joke about the dumb show. </p>

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<p>Yes, I think so, too, sooner or later. It does seem like your son is in the “sooner” camp, and I understand your sadness. I think mine made the biggest move “away” in late high school/early college, and I felt it even then, even though I knew it was inevitable and appropriate. One thing that kept me in my son’s life through high school was his involvement with scouting. I was active in the troop during his scouting years, so I was able to be a part of what was important to him at the time. I think parents who become very involved with their kids’ sports have similar advantages, or any extra-curricular activity, actually. </p>

<p>My son is married now, and really has no “need” for me, but he is sweet and considerate, at least- we’re just not as close as we once were. It stands out to me in my family because my Dh and S are still, and always have been, very close, so I feel sort of like the odd-woman-out sometimes. I’ve been “replaced.” :slight_smile: Intellectually, I know that is the way it is supposed to be, but I still miss him sometimes.</p>

<p>On the upside, I also have a daughter, and we are very close. It ebbs and flows, but we do have a connection that is very special, and not quite the same as she has with Dad, brother or boyfriends. Sometimes we have conflict because we are so close, but there is never distance.</p>

<p>As our kids grow up and become individuals, we really can’t expect our relationship to stay the same as it did when they were kids, and it often is up to us to make the effort to stay connected. The only advice I might have is to look for activities that you might enjoy together. Boys seem to be doers rather than talkers, so while I might be able to chat with my Dd about whatever is on her mind or just hanging out, I had better luck connecting with S while we are doing things together - hiking, working around the house, even shopping. Keep trying to find your moments, and cherish them. </p>

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<p>Another thought is to make some of the conversation about YOU, not just them. Share stuff about your day, your work, your life - then it won’t feel so much like the inquisition of their life - it will be more just chatting about the day/week in general. </p>

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<p>My FMIL’s three sons are all getting married within a year of each other. From watching them, my observation is that sons do grow up and away, but might come back into the fold more when they marry. The boys in this family are all very independent, and even though they worship their mother it just doesn’t occur to them that they need to show that. But us girls want to know each other and to have a strong bond with this family for our children, so we are making the effort to share and to see each other and the boys are catching on. My fiance went from calling his mother a couple times a year to visiting almost monthly and calling much more frequently, we will go and spend the whole day with her and take her to dinner. His brother’s fiancee and I are taking turns hosting holidays. </p>

<p>I have never met anyone who loves their mother as much as my fiance does, honestly, but it still didn’t occur to him that he was supposed to call her once in a while until I started prompting him to think that way. He thinks both his parents walk on water, especially his mother. He took for granted that she knew that, maybe some of you with older more distant S’s are the same. </p>

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<p>Don’t ever accept the generalization that boys “grow up and away” from moms, dads or families! Accepting that is permission for it to happen! Kids in general - boys OR girls - need different approaches - you’ve just got to “grow up” with them and not mourn or stay stuck that the things that worked when they were 6 are not working now that they are 16. </p>

<p>Tell them how you feel! Tell them that you hate tip toeing around conversation. That you miss having just a few minutes to chat about random stuff (avoid having everything being a lecture or inquisition into their life). If you can’t say it, write a note and put it on their bed with a candy bar (they will surely notice that!). Send them an email - whatever works! </p>

<p>I fully understand that this is a thing. Just hate when we generalize “boys do this” or “girls do that” - ALL relationships change - you just need to be willing to roll and adapt to those changes of and in life. </p>

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<p>I’m sorry you’re going through this Southern Hope! We have 2 boys and 2 girls, and it does seem to be the case that boys grow away more than the girls. Our older son is 1500 miles away (out of college and working) and I just told my husband that I feel like we could not see him for 3 years, and then he would just walk in and say “hey Mom” like it was no big deal. While we don’t hear from him often, when he does call I drop everything and try not to ask too many questions. I gear the conversation towards his interests and usually he does stay on the phone for a while. I also make a point of looking for cheap flights to go spend the day with him occasionally -even if just one day. I know he loves us and he seems to have fun when he does come home- he has always been very independent and he works long hours and has a lot of interests. OUr younger son is a freshman in college and is extremely outgoing. While he does not come home often, when he is here, he and his friends spend a lot of time at our house which is very nice. I always make sure to have a lot of food around, and we try to be very flexible as far as how much notice we need (none). I try hard to make our house the house where they want to hang out. When he is here by himself, I make a point of staying up late (even when I have to work the next day) and watching horrible TV shows (I’m with you on those shows Shellz!) with him so we can laugh together. I make great snacks to keep it fun. I will drop whatever I am doing to spend time with him. I have watched a LOT of soccer with him and actually know many of the players and can comment intelligently on games and stats. It’s not that I love soccer, but that it is an easy way to spend time with him. With my girls, they call regularly and we are always finding things to do if they are around. With the boys, I feel like I have to work harder to create opportunities to spend time with them. It is a little sad, but I make sure not to put a lot of pressure on them and to let it just happen. </p>

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<p>It will be ok in the end. Son Ellebud was the same age when he began separating. We didn’t fight… When I got breast cancer he distanced himself further. But he did come over for major holidays and would accept our calls. Three years ago he started coming around a bit more often. One day he asked me where he might meet some nice girls (he is in show business and there were lots of Brandys around). I mentioned JDate. I said that several of my friends kids had met their spouses online. He sort of sneered with that idea. Three months later he brought a woman for brunch. And she will be my dil in a few months).</p>

<p>Hang in there. Most kids do return. For boys it’s separating for girls its slamming doors. I now receive calls 3 times a week from son. Future dil I speak to at least3 times a week. They aren’t on a schedule…they just call.</p>

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<p>SouthernHope, I don’t have a son, only one daughter, now 17. When she was in the throes of early adolescence, the book “Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager,” by Anthony E. Wolf
saved me. But I understand that it’s different with boys.</p>

<p>I found this quote online about boys which he enumerates in greater detail in the book:

<a href=“http://www.parentingteensonline.com/article/show/title/Raising_Teen_Sons”>http://www.parentingteensonline.com/article/show/title/Raising_Teen_Sons&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>The book is available used on Amazon and Barnes & Noble for less than $4 and it’s a really easy read. It’s also available as an e-book via either source. It might be worth reading for you.</p>

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<p>^^^^I had forgotten about that book, but it is a great resource!!!</p>

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<p>I have two sons- 21 and 18. They were very affectionate little boys and we had lots of fun times together but they have distanced themselves from me as they have matured. Part of it is because I did a really good job of teaching them to be independant and self-sufficient. We still have times when they are chatterboxes with me- mostly when they have good news to share. They also appreciate my efforts to support them- they don’t gush about it, but are receptive to my ideas and guidance. The advice above is all good- don’t push, but be available when he comes to you. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I’m glad to know it’s not just me. I too lament the growing apart. S1 has always had a more difficult time with transitions and seems to feel the need to assert his independence in a more surly manner. He’s especially not friendly if he’s stressed. S2 made the break earlier, but also made the full circle earlier. They were never big chatters and didn’t want me “in their business.”</p>

<p>D is 17 and we are very close, partially I think because of her medical and school needs. I hope that continues. I so miss having all my kids at home. Both my boys bought houses within 20 minutes, and I know I’m lucky. S1’s fiance is as outgoing as he is quiet and I usually hear from her at least once a day. This is where I get 90% of my info!</p>

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<p>We have a S (26) and D (24). S is 5000 miles away and D is 2500 miles. We have always been a fairly close family, but as the kids got older, they sought and had more independence and shared less of their world with us. It is painful when the distance appears to be increasing, but I recall doing the same. We do chat when we can and do visit one another whenever we can coordinate our schedules, so it has worked for us.</p>

<p>I agree that they are surprised and sometimes delighted when they hear about what WE are doing,even tho they’re not in our home and only can visit from time to time. They’re always surprised when they call and find out we are out doing something they think is fun or unusual for their perception of us. :slight_smile: HS is a busy time, especially if the kid is socially and athletically active. We had family dinners, where we’d always sit down together and touch base and talk. We do this when we visit as well. It’s a nice way to check in. If you haven’t started these, it is a bit later, but might be worthwhile trying.</p>

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<p>You guys are all so nice/so smart…I feel much better…and I have so many ideas to try out on S that he won’t know what hit him when I come home from work tonight. LOL. </p>