<p>During HS, morning was out of the question because my son usually rolled out of bed fifteen minutes before he had to leave! :). Our time together was at dinner. This meant that we sometimes had dinner at 8 and sometimes at 5. I tried to make sure that we ate together as a family at least four times a week, usually five. It required some flexibility in scheduling, but it worked for us. </p>
<p>I also had to drive my son places as he didn’t get his license until the summer after his junior year. Whenever I wanted to discuss a subject with my son, I chose the car, because he was a captive audience. Not sure that he was always thrilled with that, but it worked.</p>
<p>I had to laugh at the bad tv comment. When my son, who is a freshman, was home from university over winter break, he watched Supernatural with his younger sister. I went downstairs in the rec room so that I could spend time with them. The program was ghastly, but spending time with the two of them together was wonderful. :)) </p>
<p>Take heart, I have better conversations with my son now that he is away at school than I did when he lived with me during high school. </p>
<p>That IS a great book-I discovered it long before I had kids and recommend it to everyone with teens. I have three kids-1 boy, two girls, and each are different. My S was never much of a talker, not to me, not to his dad. He had one best friend growing up but was never very social. He is the same now at 29. But when there is something he’s doing that’s interesting, he happily shares. The next kiddo, a girl, is 24. She and I were close until her teens when she became very distant. THAT was hard as it was a huge change. But she’s come to a sort of middle now-and since she’s on her own, we have more in common and have nice visits. My youngest is 14 and although very involved in school and other EC’s remains very close to me. I think the daily drives to and from school help, as we use that time to talk about everything and nothing.</p>
<p>Quiet and some distance, plus diverging interests is hard to understand when it’s not what you’re used to. But it doesn’t mean your kids no longer care or love you any less. It just takes some adjustment on your part. He’s doing what feels right to him.</p>
<p>Eat uninterrupted dinner together–no TV, no phones, just family (unless close friends get invited). As regularly as you can. That’s tough with schedules but make it happen. Make it a point. No inquisitions about any particular family matter unless it’s just an overall topic of real interest (so no talk about how the team is…it’s about what all the family members are up to). Talk current events, politics, gossip (keep it light). </p>
<p>And yes, the best questions–so what makes that computer game/music group/club/teacher/song/whatever (especially those in which you see NO redeeming value --special?
And what do you see yourself doing with all your sports? Got other interests? (I just threw that in…)</p>
<p>I don’t think sons and mom’s grow apart–I’ve got a D and S. Love them both equally but just had more one-on-one time with son over the years that was very precious. I KNOW I’ve become a lot less judgmental over the years and that makes a huge difference in how we relate.</p>
<p>Yes, we always had dinner together, nearly 7 days a week. NO reading, phones, cell, or any media at the dinner table. It was a good time for folks to just be together, whether they chose to talk or not. </p>
<p>I also drove my kids around everywhere. They didn’t get licenses until they were 20 and 21. I did talk while driving them. It might not have been their favorite time, but they were captive and sometimes would be more chatty than otherwise. (We didn’t have smart phones at the time, so there wasn’t that distraction either.) I’d also listen in when driving my kids and all their friends, while pretending to be deaf. It was a good window into how the kids related with one another. Was happy to drive them have have time to chat and listen–good times! </p>
<p>They were grateful I drove, because they didn’t and still don’t have a great idea of where things are (GPS makes folks pretty oblivious about directions sometimes). I also was glad to be driving because they were inevitably too tired to deal with the stamina it takes to drive in heavy traffic and other poor drivers which typify driving in Honolulu.</p>
<p>I have two sons , 21 and 25, and was raised in a pile of boys. They don’t inevitably grow away from you, but they do grow up, and it is very different from when they are little. Not too proud to admit I sometimes had trouble sharing with the gf!!</p>
<p>Practical ideas: doing something is better than just talking. S1 and I used to go for a 15 min walk every day (he thought he was helping me be healthy). We went to movies. I watch the same TV show so we have a “neutral” conversation topic. In the summer, we set aside time each week for cooking lessons (I wanted them to know how to cook, clean, do laundry before they left home). We also, after I was reduced to hysterical sobbing one Mother’s Day, banned electronics from meals and one evening a week. </p>
<p>It’s okay to be a person, and a mom. You are allowed to tell the 15 y.o. what you told us, OP – you miss him, and want to figure out something to do together, and need his help with that. Hang in there. I’ve had an awful winter at work, and one evening S1 showed up with S2 and my favorite movie, and cookies. “we came to cheer you up” they said. Boys always love their mom, and need them. Always.</p>
<p>“I’ve had an awful winter at work, and one evening S1 showed up with S2 and my favorite movie, and cookies. “we came to cheer you up” they said.”</p>
<p>Have to say that brought tears to my eyes. What wonderful sons you have! </p>
<p>A lot of it is in what you discuss with boys. They’re not interested in feelings (IMHO) but they are interested in things that happen. Ask them what funny thing happened at school, what lunch was served, what new sport they want to try, what hike they’d like to do with you. Offer to make his favorite cookies if he’ll keep you company while you do it. In my experience, boys are ALWAYS hungry. </p>
<p>What’s the old saying…“A son is a son 'till he takes a wife. A daughter’s a daughter all of her life”. I refuse to give in to that premise, and will fight tooth and nail to remain relevant to all my kids. I will happily take the back seat to my future SIL/DILs, but I sure won’t be riding the bus either ;-)</p>
<p>When my S was in HS, and involved in sports, social activities, and all that life has to offer them, I thought I’d never have anything much in common with him. His closer parent was his dad, who shared sports. In his 20s, we have many common interests, he tells me about his life in great detail, and we enjoy time together, though it is rare, as he lives across the country. I would NEVER have predicted our current relationship based on high school. Keep up those family dinners, and good luck!</p>
<p>If son’s grow away from their moms, mine didn’t get the memo. Of course he is a talker by nature but, I wouldn’t say distance is a rule. Long car rides and dog walks are the thing. The delayed drivers license is always an option ;)</p>
<p>Yea, I’m glad we had delayed driver’s licenses in our home (though it was the kids’ idea, not ours). It was an easy way for us to stay connected and allowed them to zone and relax while we chatted about whatever they felt like sharing.</p>
<p>I do think boys talk less in general. I had to remind myself to love the kid on the couch and not the idealized TV sitcom son I imagined. </p>
<p>The worst was when I’d be chatting with one of S friends moms and she would mention something about S (something he said or about his sport or schoolwork) and I knew nothing about it! I lost track of the number of teachers and other parents who looked at me blankly when I’d embark that S was quiet or not a talker. Apparently he was just not talking to ME! </p>
<p>In hindsight I think it was the only way he knew to rebel or assert his independence. Now that he’s in college he shares a little more. </p>
<p>One other tip. Drive him and his friends to things. You hear a LOT more that way. They seem to forget we have ears. </p>
<p>A friend noted recently that her HS senior no longer talks much with friends when they’re being driven. They text, to avoid parental eavesdropping. Sad. </p>
<p>My son is about to be 14 and still go up to his room each evening (started as simply trying to keep the biohazard department from making an announced visit to our home…boys can be slobs) I will just plop on his bed and say wha’tzzzz up? If I don’t come up or if get distracted with a task and am late, I always get a text, that says, “are you going to come say goodnight?” I also drive him to school in the mooring. It is a 20 minute drive and we get some great chat time in then also.</p>
<p>Fortunately, my kids and their friends are still prone to chattering, especially late at night, when they are less inhibited about our existence (tho now that D drives, she doesn’t ask for rides much any more, sadly).</p>
<p>Ok anonymous confession time. All three of my kids were attached to a very juvenile night time ritual their dad started when they were tiny. He sang each one of them “you are my sunshine” while scratching their backs as they lay in bed, drifting off to sleep. Until late high school. Nothing like seeing your giant man-child being sung a lullaby. Although, I’m sure it was more about the back scratching! Makes me realize how much I miss having my kids under my roof, where I can peek in and see their perfect sleeping faces (and the incredibly messy room!)</p>
<p>When our kids were little until they were in middle school, we’d read side by side on the couch and then have hugs and pats every night as our bedtime ritual. D still “flumps” on our bed periodically when she visits and debriefs about all that she’s thinking about. We love it–in can be serious, funny, off-the-wall, whatever. S is more serious, but he does chat with us when he’s in the mood, on his terms. He’s always been much more private and serious,</p>
<p>We do miss having our kids around, but are so excited that they are spreading their wings. S does make it a point to fly to meet us as many times a year as we can both manage it. He visited in Oct, Nov, Dec/Jan, and will see us also in April, we will all meet in SF in May, and we will visit him in September in DC! D gets to see him even more often, since he comes to her city once or twice a month. Mostly, he takes her out to dinner (often D says at inconvenient times).</p>
<p>If I were to give some advice it would be this: learn whatever your kid loves: video games, ice hockey, music or? Go places with him…no siblings or spouses. Don’t force conversations are necessary. Sometimes the best communication is done by sitting in the same room.And hold on…the future dil told me (ok, she was probably coached…but who cares/) when she came over the first time, “you raised an amazing son”. Stuff that we didnt know he saw in our home…were things he picked up.</p>
<p>And yes, future dil still tells me how wonderful my son is…with stories. I am a happy mom.</p>
<p>My college junior son (and only child) just spent his 2-week spring break at home because his travel plans fell through. I’ve been keenly aware that this might be the longest time he will ever spend under my roof again (he already has a summer internship in Germany worked out) and have enjoyed every minute. We cooked together, watched Jeopardy!, and did our last FAFSA together. I’m happy to know we can still enjoy each other’s company, and he’s somebody I truly like as a person.
I know the next few years will be hard as he establishes himself, so we’ll see how life plays out. I was much sadder a few years ago when I was first facing an empty nest, so as things change for both of us, I’m optimistic about our relationship.</p>