Though I say it, we are a good resource. Lean on us!
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Everyone goes about this differently, but when it came to the paperwork, I sent an email to my 27’s teachers and guidance counselor/principal (didn’t know who would need to write the letter at that point) to give them a heads up that this was in the works, but that my 27, not me, would be asking them directly for his letters. I did not want them blindsided, since this was well outside of the norm at his school, and it gave him a little boost of confidence when it came time to do the actual requests himself, since he knew they were expecting it. I was also really up front about it when he missed school to go on tours/interviews, and finally revisit days.
It does feel like stepping out into a great unknown. I think it’s important though that your 8th grader and your spouse have at least some buy-in and participate in the work/research. Your daughter will have essays to write that will help admissions officers understand what kind of person/student she is, and for some schools, test prep to do. No buy-in from her could create some friction, and, in my experience, having a spouse that’s lukewarm on the idea can make it harder too (mine came around to the idea the summer before 8th grade). Getting into boarding school - and having it be a successful experience for your child - is partly about the grades and recommendations, but it’s also about understanding a school’s personality, its community, and knowing whether both your and her vision of what you want from a school aligns with what the school offers.
And this community was a great help to me on our journey as well!
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I would encourage you (all three of you) to take another look at commutable private/parochial schools in your area.
I’ve seen this both as a strategy (one parent not on board-- but this is a solid compromise between boarding and LPS) and as an optimal solution (after some digging, family found a commutable option that met everyone’s needs).
I remember one private school I visited (one of my kids was having a terrible year at the time- social, academic, mismatch with a teacher) and even though my kid wasn’t interested- and my spouse thought I was nuts-- I came away with a much more nuanced view of what would work for the kid. It was as if every teacher/department head who spoke was creating an outline “We don’t have what your kid needs- but we can define it for you”. The athletic director got up to explain the school’s philosophy on team sports (which my kid hated) and said something disparaging about “Art and Theater kids” and I thought “Wow, my kid needs to be surrounded by Art and Theater kids, who knew?” The chair of the English department spoke about “we prepare kids to live in the real world- not the life of the mind” and I realized “My kid LOVES the life of the mind and what’s wrong with that?” So the English curriculum which was heavy on popular literature and light on the Classics-- not for this kid.
It’s easy to dismiss a local option based on reputation, some kid that somebody knew who went there who hated it. And there is a much greater halo effect with a boarding school, especially since you don’t know anyone who has kids there, or graduated from there. But everyone-- the huge boarding school champions and the detractors- will admit that there are trade-offs to sending your kid to boarding school. Some are easy to deal with (you won’t be able to chew over the day with your kid over dinner every night) and some are harder (not every school has the same policies/structure w/r/t partying and adolescent acting out behaviors. And since your kid isn’t living with you, you won’t be able to frame/address what you’re hearing in real time).
But if your spouse is really not on board- start with the easier option first. Good luck!
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And the flip side of this - coming from someone whose family situation limited consideration only to day options (day schools and day student at boarding school)- is that the universe really opens up when the “commutable distance” constraint is lifted. ( Resistance to boarding eventually disappeared - after starting as a day student. )
The bigger universe may include the Cinderella fit.
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That’s a great skill to have.
On this timeline my greatest concern would be 1) having the child prep for and take the SSAT without interrupting regular schooling and extra-curriculars, and 2) getting the child some interview experience.
That second point is especially important if your daughter is lukewarm about the boarding school concept. Schools want kids who want to be there and, unfortunately, kids who can communicate that in a 10-15 minute 1-on-1.
My first child and I felt our first two or three interviews were a little off, no doubt because it took us a few schools to warm up and hit our stride. Practice helped. But so did my child’s growing interest in the prospect of actually attending one of these schools.
Kids should take their applications seriously, but there’s still plenty of time for that; nothing to worry about there on this timeline.
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The OP wants to go to boarding school. Her daughter doesn’t. The daughter’s Dad doesn’t want much to do with boarding school, either. If the daughter isn’t into boarding school but gets in somewhere and goes, she’s as likely as not to lose interest and leave within a year, in my opinion (for the minimal amount it’s worth, I suppose). OP should find a different solution, closer to home, such as sending to a better, nearby high school, public or private/parochial.
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I see this as a bit more nuanced. The D isn’t excited about the BS search, but she doesn’t sound enthused about staying where she is either. The OP is looking for a solution that can ignite a spark. This can make the BS search more challenging, but if they find a seat at a BS where the D can see a happier future, this could be the outcome OP is hoping for.
Realistically, the right social milieu and the right academic engagement could be that. For many kids, being with other kids who are excited about learning and who bring that to class can be transformative. My (smart) kid had also had a lot of the joy of learning squashed by his LPS, and he had a distrust of teachers. BS was the answer to that, and he picked a school that gave him the space and support and desire to grow into that.
This also sounds like a reason to avoid certain types of schools in favor of others.
There are lots of kids who choose the BS path or by virtue of attending a private school are already on it. But there are other kids who will also benefit from it.
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Yes, since the spring, I’ve been actively working on getting my child on the principal’s radar in a positive light when I read that we would need a letter from them. I also attended Back-to-School night a few weeks ago specifically to introduce myself and to ask the teachers about their preferred mentor to request a letter for private school applications. Our school doesn’t track the reason behind an absence but I will have DD keep her teachers posted when she will inevitably have to miss some school for interviews.
I’m working on the buy in from her. I think she does want to be challenged academically but doesn’t know what that looks like or means because she’s never experienced it.
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The consultant gave me some good tips on getting the SSAT scheduled handling retakes if needed. They recommended applying to 6 schools as a maximum. They went over how the process differs from college as the school is really looking for a good fit with the interviews of the student and the parent. They gave me the names of a few schools to look into but I don’t have my notes on me so I don’t recall the names offhand.
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Sounds solid. What did she ask to determine what schools you should look at?
I have in my notes that the consultant mentioned Cheshire, Holderness, and Berkshire. I had not heard about these schools and looked them up. They all appear to be SSAT optional so these names may have been mentioned since we don’t have an SSAT score yet.
They also mentioned Hun and Pennington. We have done a driving tour around Hun and my DD was not interested in the campus. I’m not really inspired by the fact that Pennington has more day students than boarding students.
The consultant also mentioned that we should have a maximum of 6 schools on our list. That was helpful because I was lost on how few or many is a decent number. I have signed my daughter up for the in-person November 14th SSAT. Can anyone share how long will it take to get her scores?
Those are schools that have pretty different characters! Hun and Pennington both have a lot of athletes and more “traditional” students. I would characterize both as day schools with boarders, and that doesn’t sound like what you’re looking for. Sounds like you got there on your own!
Holderness is very outdoorsy. There used to be a couple of Berkshire students on these boards, and they raved about the writing program and community. Cheshire hasn’t been well represented here but maybe some of the New England parents have more experience. It’s a bit less remote. None are really big.
It’s an interesting mix, which at this point could help you hone in on what you’re looking for.
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I may have missed if you are wedded to the East Coast as a BS destination, but in case you aren’t, I wanted to give an additional plug to Thacher in Ojai, CA, as well as Cate School up the road in Carpinteria, CA. We are residents of the area and wanted our child to stay local, so they are the only schools we applied to, but both are excellent options. They are small by BS standards (our child’s '30 class at Cate has 69 students) and both offer amazing outdoor opportunities, sports, and rigorous academics. Cate has a larger day student population, but they are well-integrated. We have great weather, too 
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