Feeling Lost, Public School to Boarding School

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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My child attends 8th grade in public school. I have known for a long time that she is not being academically challenged to her potential and socially she needs a more personalized and structured environment to really thrive. She has many varied interests and hobbies (music, service, trying different team sports, etc.) but is not necessarily a superstar at any one particular thing like I seem to read about candidates online - the star athlete, the advanced math student, the super niched club interest, etc. I sent her to a boarding summer program at one of the competitive schools and she seemed excited to attend and came home having enjoyed the novelty and structure of a the boarding school life. But once the school year began, she’s been languishing again in her environment. It’s been a struggle to have her be motivated to go through the application process since everyone in her peer group is headed for the default public school. Recently I attended a boarding school fair and saw there were a lot of 8th grade students from private schools. These kids and their parents were on point when it came to meeting with the admissions reps at the tables. The students all seemed to recognize each other from various sports and clubs and I overheard casual conversations of where they’d be applying. That’s when I realized that my child and I both lacked this level of support around us to navigate this process.

I guess I have two questions -

  1. If your child came from public school, how did you get your child to understand there is the possibility of attending a more resourced school beyond the limitations of her current academic environment? Any answer I come up with in my head sounds like some version of “your public school is mediocre but you might still end up there” which is not motivating.

  2. How do I create a list of schools where we can hope for an acceptance come March? We’ve done student tours at Groton, Blair and Lawrenceville and done some self-guided tours at a few others. As we toured Lawrenceville, I was amazed by the campus and opportunities. But when I learned the size of their graduating class, my heart sank because I don’t think that is the right size student body for her. That made it easy to cross the schools with large student bodies off the list. When I toured Blair, I felt like I could see my child really thriving there. But I don’t have time to go visit and tour more schools in the mid-size range in NJ/PA and New England states to narrow down our list! The school websites all seem to blend after a while… I’m planning to hire a consultant (I know it’s getting late!), but would love to hear from some other parents whose kids were in public school on how you went through this process.

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Has your child taken the SSAT yet ? If so, what is her composite score.

Consider visiting Mercersburg Academy in Pennsylvania.

Not sure as to what advice you are seeking. The process is individualized in some respects, yet similar with respect to other aspects.

Talk with admissions officers at any school of interest.

If considering ultra-selective schools such as Groton, then your daughter needs to achieve a very high score on the SSAT (secondary school admissions test). Once you have an SSAT scores, then it is easier to narrow the search for an appropriate boarding school. As a non-athlete, a score of 85+ should be earned if applying to the most selective boarding schools. However, do not be discouraged if a score in the 60s or 70s is received as students who sit for the SSAT are from families who take secondary education seriously.

Maturity of the student is a very important factor considered by boarding school admissions officers.

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Creating a list of schools might be done by desired location, size, and average or median SSAT scores of any boarding schools under consideration. Since you plan to hire a consultant, he or she can help you and your daughter to create a list of schools based on preferences and based on your daughter’s needs and qualifications.

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My kid also was in a small public school in a system that fed into a huge regional high school where we could not see him thriving. In fact, the small middle school felt quite mediocre. Yes, this process is much more challenging from that environment-- peers don’t get it, teachers are generally clueless, other parents feel like you’re slighting the public system. And yes, it felt like every event we attended, whether an open house or interview, everyone else seemed to know other people. In spite of what felt like headwinds during the application process, DS had a transformational 4 years at BS as both a student and person. I’ve remained a cheerleader for that school (George School in PA) since.

Visiting schools when they were in session (both before and after acceptance) was very helpful as he was more dialled in to vibe than we were. During covid, many schools developed much better online resources for prospective students, so you might see if those are helpful. Those include webinars, etc. Following some of their social media can also be helpful.

A consultant could be very helpful in part because there are a lot of really good schools that most of us don’t know. Excellent academics are pretty much table stakes at most of them, so really, you are looking for a learning and living environment that will allow your kid to thrive. @RoonilWazlib99 applied from abroad and ended up with great options.

Because you looked at Blair and L’ville, you might want to consider Peddie, George, Westtown, Hill, and a bit further away, Mercersberg. They are all different from each other, yet several are known for their culture of kindness.

Many people here will talk about the need for your child to lead the process. While this is ideal, it may not be realistic in your situation with so little outside support for the process, so you may need to lead your child to develop enthusiasm for this.

Folks here are a good resource, so feel free to ask anything.

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Check out the “hidden gems” thread. It hasn’t been updated in awhile but will give you tons of schools to explore beyond the names you continuously hear.

If she were writing this, what would her “dream school” include? It doesn’t have to be something she is currently doing. The whole point is that she can experience new things. Horses? (Foxcroft) Sailing ?(Tabor) Unique classes and scheduling? (Cambridge School of Weston). Show her the possibilities besides academic work at schools with higher acceptance rates. A huge thing for my kid was that he could experience more because we wouldn’t be in the car all day going from one place to another and that he could have friends that did sports AND music AND academics rather than only being seen as a sports kid.

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Seconding @gardenstategal. We also came into the boarding school process for my 27 from a very mediocre, severely under-resourced Title One public school system. It worked OK for my 25, but for my 27, we were watching his joy of learning and engagement slip away every day. Being in a small community such as ours where very few, if any, kids leave the public system, the application process was quite isolating and did, for a time, strain my 27’s sense of belonging during 8th grade. To get him more engaged in the process, we did end up having to tell him that staying in our regional middle/high school was simply not an option. We gave him some agency in as much as there was a better public high school to which he could possibly transfer (via lottery), a better private day school to which he could also apply, or he could opt for boarding school. But we made it clear that staying where he was was not on the table. We pre-filtered his boarding school options by having him define some basic criteria, like distance from home, school size, and what types of activities were important to him, and we ended up focusing more on “hidden gems” than the more well-known schools for a variety of reasons. I’m an alum of one of the GLADCHEMM (did I get it right?) schools, but I would not consider myself an “insider” in the boarding school world if that makes sense. We considered having him look there, but to be honest, we as parents knew that would likely have been a poor fit for him. He checked out school websites, picked four boarding schools to visit, and applied to three. When March came around, he had options in all of his buckets (got a lottery spot, was accepted to the day school, as well as all 3 of his boarding school choices), and he chose boarding school.

I agree that the process needs to be student-driven, but our reality was that we had to do some of the work to keep my 27 engaged in it. When your kid is not steeped in an environment where going to boarding school, or even leaving the public system, is not uncommon, the inertia they get sucked into when they are at school can become tough to overcome. Ultimately, we had to step in to move the needle, and I am so glad that we did because in the end, we were doing what we thought would set him up best for what comes after high school.

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Hi, I’ve seen your helpful posts and we are also in the Garden State. Yes, we are feeling all of the things you mentioned! The mediocre middle school - I keep seeing middle school kids mention being in Model UN and other activities which aren’t offered at our school so a few days ago I looked up a middle school in a nearby district. They have so many more clubs for their kids than our “really good” middle school! I had my child develop a resume in preparation for asking for the teacher recommendations. It was hard for me to get her to understand the value of cataloging her middle school experiences but she grudgingly did it with me. I know zero parents considering anything but the public school. We started this process attending an open house for Gill St. Bernard at the beginning of the year so she could see what a private school looks like. My child remarked after touring GSB, Groton and doing her summer program that “the schools are all basically the same - lots of buildings, a big focus on community, small class size, lots of grass.” She became disinterested in missing her weekend activities just to tour more schools. I’m not pushing the issue because on some level, she’s right. We can’t “fall in love” with any one school at this stage of the process unless she gets accepted. I’ve been attending the rest of the tours & events myself to learn more about where she might fit in the boarding school world and I share relevant info with her when I come home. There was an open house with 100 boarding schools in NYC and that was so overwhelming for me! I haven’t finished going through my bag of info but so far, I am also very interested in St. Paul’s School and very intrigued by The Putney School and their approach.

A colleague also recommended George to me. Their open house is the same day as our flight for fall break. But I see it says on their website that prospective students are welcome to sports games so I think we’ll make time to go to one of those together instead to check out the campus and the vibe. The Peddie open house filled up before I had a chance to register! I am signed up to go to the one at Hill and I will check out the other schools you mentioned.

I am going to sign her up for the November SSAT so she can get the experience of taking it and have time to retake if necessary.

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Definitely do some homework through websites, Instagram and YouTube videos before visiting. Even s23, who was highly invested, got to the point where he didn’t want to go on any more visits.

If you like Putney, you might like Proctor and Pomfret. Both have interesting programs, are experiential, and have fairly high admit rates.

If it was the smaller size, check out Holderness and Dublin

If it’s the artsy student vibe, and lots of autonomy try Concord Academy, Cambridge School of Weston or Darrow.

If it’s the farm try Kimball Union, Northfield Mont Hermon, Hotchkiss

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Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and for the motivation for me as a parent. I feel exactly the same for my kids, that I’m “watching the joy of learning and engagement slip away every day.” And we are supposed to be in “such a good school district!” I like the suggestion of hearing in her own words of what it’s important for her to have in her high school hopes. I think I’m going to also draw up a typical school day schedule for the public school versus a few of the private schools to show her the stark difference in how she can pursue more passions in the classroom if she does’t have to give up entire class periods to things like band and gym during the school day. Versus her schedule now where she can only do things like art or pottery as privately arranged after school enrichments once a week outside of school with random aged kids and people from the community.

It’s hard to present a united front at home as her dad is not in agreement with me that she needs a different environment than what she’s had since she entered public school in person in 3rd grade. He will only consider boarding school(s) as a realistic option if she gets accepted somewhere and we can compare and contrast it to the public school at that time.

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I feel this 100%. It took my kiddo in mediocre 8th grade public school really the whole school year/application cycle and frankly a good chunk of the summer leading up to the start of boarding school to not feel reluctant about leaving their old friends/public high school behind and feel the tug of going along with that easier/more well trodden path. I think it is very hard for a kid to understand/imagine the differences between mediocre public school and any of these private schools with much smaller classes, a generally more academically minded student body, near zero behavior issues during school etc. And it’s hard as a parent to explain without making it sound to the kid like you’re putting the public school down (and thus their friends who will continue on in public school) - which of course is not it!

I think it’s fine for you to drive the focus on schools and the process. Not every kid is ready to lead the process for various reasons. Maybe frame it for the kiddo like you are looking to keep options open, look for what other opportunities are out there, let them shoot their shot so to speak. It’s a long time until a decision needs to be made, and the kiddos change so much over the months, and 8th graders start to feel like they are busting at the seams of middle school by spring and decision time, so the vibe changes a lot.

My personal boarding school preference is smaller so that the kiddos are all known as individuals. I see that as incredibly valuable, perhaps especially for a kid who is used to being one of the crowd at a public school.

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While it can seem like work, choosing your high school experience is a true privilege. Finding a school that offers the classes and ECs you want, teaches them in a way that engages you, and allows you to be around the kind of people who are your “tribe” – a place that will allow you to be the best version of yourself. – is an opportunity most students don’t have. Most need to fugure out how to get what they can from the single option they have.

Your kid may not quite be able to wrap their head around this idea and the value of it quite yet (and in our case, neither could DH until we were well into it!) But using your public alternative as point of comparison is a good idea.

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Millbrook! Millbrook has its own zoo. Show me another school in the country that has a zoo.At Thacher you care for a horse. Western Reserve has a medical research program. Proctor has a travel program. Forman has boat building.

My kid had a college level course in GIS, spent 3 weeks working at the International Wolf Center in MN, and worked on research projects for Cornell and UF in Costa Rica. He didn’t have to fight for these opportunities. They were opportunities offered to everyone.

We also got to play 3 sports, played in a band, do robotic competitions, take on leadership roles, take high interest classes, and build relationships with amazing mentors All in an environment that catered to adolescents. That could never have happened in our local public school.

I’m throwing this out there because if you want to make a comparison to public schools, I always bring up that (some) private schools just have things you are never going to find in a public school. Are they things that are NEEDED? No. But (having one kid in public school and one in boarding school) I found the exposure to things beyond what is offered in public school, and the ability to find mentors in these areas, are what kept the love of learning alive and helped shaped plans for what they wanted their future to look like. Things they never even considered or thought possible. S23 ended up majoring/minoring in two areas he didn’t even know about before boarding school and wouldn’t have know about if he stayed in public school. When he got to college, he had experience that students don’t usually have until their (more hands on) junior year.

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Her dad is right. At this time, neither your daughter nor your husband are on board with your desire to have your daughter attend boarding school.

Based on what you have shared thus far in this thread about your daughter, my impression is that Groton & St. Paul’s School are not realistic options for her. Students at these schools tend to be highly motivated, brilliant, hard-working, disciplined, mature, accomplished, and need more.

Your daughter should visit Mercersburg Academy in Pennsylvania and St. Andrew’s School in Delaware to see if either school ignites any sparks in her. Both are outstanding schools, but while neither is at the level of Groton, St. Paul’s School, Deerfield Academy, Andover, Exeter,or Hotchkiss, they will be at a much higher level than her current public school based on your posts in this thread.

Your daughter needs to prepare for her first sitting for the SSAT. Please do not have her venture in unprepared as she might earn a very disappointing score in the 40s or 50s and lose interest in pursuing private school any further.

OP, your husband is correct in demanding a comparison of school alternatives if there is more than one option open to your daughter. Do you have private or parochial schools in your area ? If yes, please investigate those options with your spouse & daughter.

Again, once she has an actual SSAT scores in hand, the process of culling through schools becomes easier.

P.S. Are you willing to share the name of the boarding school where she attended during the summer ? What did she like about the experience and what did she dislike ?

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My DD came from a public school and I had many of the same concerns that you did about her school not being challenging. While I didn’t need to sell her on the idea of BS, what appealed to her the most was that she would get to live/eat/study with her friends “it’s like Hogwarts!”. I thought looking at all the interesting classes and resources the schools had would interest her… but not really. She was excited by the social aspects and other perks, like trips to see broadway shows, getting to play in a rock band (not a “boring” jazz band), and having a “rival” school and pep rallys. So I guess my suggestion is to find what excites her as a teen, and consider that those things will be different than what excites you as a parent, but will still get you both to the same goal - excited about going to a new school.

I also fully acknowledge that researching/applying to BS is a very time consuming process, and is not always fun (studying for the SSAT - ugh). You don’t necessarily need to take a bunch of days off traveling up and down the eastern seaboard to get a sense of a school being a good fit. My DD narrowed down her list with simple things like no strict dress codes (bye Hill and St. Andrews), and not wanting a “pressure cooker” environment (bye Lville). After looking over school websites, and forums like this, we focused on 3 schools (which still felt like a lot). If you liked Blair, I definitely recommend considering Peddie and MBurg. I love all the other hidden gems suggested, so if they interest your DD/might fit well, they could be worth an application. As many have wisely said on this site: if you focus on fit, you’re likely to have acceptances in March.

We didn’t know any other students applying to BS and didn’t use a consultant, so while you may feel that you aren’t on the same level as other kids from private schools, you can definitely do this!

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