Feeling melancholy- when the kids are launched and we are not needed as much...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Just musing today, for a variety of reasons, about the mixed feeling of having kids who seem to be successfully launched, and don’t seem to need us so much any more. Its not a matter of their not feeling connected, but that they are independent and self sufficient (and far away) and its hard to have fewer opportunities to “parent” them, as admittedly I am still want to do when I can. That parent role never seems to go away. It just transitions to new stages.</p>

<p>Sure they still turn to us for our opinions on things, but less often, and its shifted more towards their telling us their plans and then running it by or sharing it with us than their asking for our opinions or suggestions in advance. Is it because we have boys? Are the successfully launched girls doing this too?</p>

<p>Both s’s have gfs who they also now use as their sounding boards. We are thrilled for them. I guess I am just pining away a bit for the loss of that “need to be needed”, or the opportunity to do for the “kids” (who are of course no longer “kids”). I enjoy doing for them when I can. It gives me pleasure. And now the opportunities are fewer… Its not like it “just” happened. They’ve been increasingly independent and mature. Its just more apparent to me these days…</p>

<p>Anyone have any similar experiences?</p>

2

<p>Yes, yes, yes. My 2 sons are on their own and certainly don’t need me the way they used to. </p>

<p>S1 will talk to us about his issues with grad school and what comes after, but more to vent than to seek advice. He also has a long-term gf who I’m sure he talks to about all these things and others. He also refuses to let us help him financially in any way (e.g., paying for a bus ticket home). </p>

<p>S2 has only been out of college for 18 months and has no gf, so he may need more advice from us than S1, but he’s also less likely to fill us in on what’s going on with him. He’ll email me when he needs specific advice (like when he got an urgent care bill that was higher than he expected).</p>

<p>I love that they’re independent and doing well. I take that as an indication that we did a good job raising them. But I’m still adjusting to this new phase in our relationship, especially with S2 who I feel doesn’t seek advice from anyone and may be floundering (financially, socially, workwise) when he doesn’t need to.</p>

3

<p>A friend of mine expresses has expressed this feeling for the last couple of years and SLOWLY (with some prompting by me) seems to be getting past it a bit. </p>

<p>Be open to changing your role with your kids.</p>

<p>Instead of being the parent only, see your child as another adult - and continue to build your relationship is more equals instead of “you” as the overseer. </p>

<p>When you talk to them, have conversations instead of “reports”. </p>

<p>Expand your relationship by finding some common ground/interests that can bring you together (in person or over a conversation on the phone).</p>

<p>Evaluate YOUR life and busyness. Do you have free time? Your kids will also be happy to see YOU fill your new found time with enriching activities and learning just as you have enjoyed their becoming educated and well rounded young adults.</p>

<p>Sounds like your kids are happy and progressing well and the fact that they are not “needing” you as much is likely a good thing! Now focus on enjoying them even more than helping them! And enjoy yourself and your time too!</p>

<p>While it might not be as frequent, there will be times you are still “needed” by them - just fewer perhaps and farther between.</p>

4

<p>My girl does that, too. So I adopted about 100 plants to fuss over. In a way, I am happy not to be so involved. I don’t think I can be too helpful.</p>

5

<p>Your lips to God’s ears.</p>

6

<p>YES!!! I am in the same boat! When I need to catch myself on the whole “woe is me, my mothering skills are rusting” bandwagon I just remind myself of the opposite scenario which a number of my friends are in: They would kill to have their kids off on their own, making good choices, with healthy relationships and functioning as generally happy adults. </p>

<p>So I am looking at the minor nooks and crannies of their lives where I can still be of help. My oldest just graduated from college last week and is moving to a new city, new apartment, new job, and new phase of life. So my mothering is translating into inventorying his clothes (he seriously has t-shirts from his sophomore year in high school :eek:). I am also going to do a set of ‘cooking/shopping’ classes for him with shopping lists, recipes, quantity charts etc. and a ‘cuts of meat’ tutorial at the grocery store. </p>

<p>It’s easy to feel unnecessary while they are in college because in some ways, college acts like a big parent for four years. But I think as they go off on their own in their 20’s there’s still a lot of mothering wisdom that can be passed along. </p>

<p>Hang in there!</p>

7

<p>Someone recently was quoting to me an old saw along the lines of “loosing a son when they take a wife, gaining a son when a daughter takes a husband”. Substitute significant other for some of us, and yes, that is fundamental change. Though the individuals in question can change how some of this feels. </p>

<p>Like any grief, this ebbs and flows. jym, I know you just had family around, and that transition as they go away again can be less than easy. </p>

<p>Seeing the distancing with S2 has to be hard.</p>

8

<p>I vote for an endorphin rush today, Jym. Go to a batting cage and smack balls! :slight_smile: Fit in some cardio, too, or at least a good walk. See something new. Taste something new. Laugh. Where can you find some good comedy? You have plenty of time to reflect, spend today rejoicing!</p>

9

<p>I got a puppy.</p>

<p>Don’t get a puppy.</p>

10

<p>I must have lost my mothering gene, but I don’t miss it a bit! I adore my kids (well, most of the time), but I thought raising them was hard, and I’m glad they made it to adulthood and seem to be launched! There are still enough “issues” that arise (medical questions, travel problems, grad school decisions etc) that I don’t feel out of the loop, but I don’t feel like I have to run the show. It’s a good feeling.</p>

<p>My daughter is married, and I do treat her like an adult. We run together, go to races together and enjoy each other’s company. She doesn’t confide in me about some things, I suspect, and I can live with that. I like her husband a lot and we see them a reasonable amount since they live about 25 minutes away.</p>

<p>My son still makes me nervous whenever he calls. I’ll never get over that. He’s doing great, but has a more complicated life, being a very competitive triathlete and having a nice day job with a major corporation. He lives right in center city Philadelphia and, as they say, “**** happens”. I enjoy not being as involved in his day to day life.</p>

11

<p>

Doing this one today! Out to dinner with DH and friends. Am feeling melancholy about this today moreso because is its my 60th birthday. This too shall pass…</p>

12

<p>Saw the post title and all I could think was, “TRADE YA!!” as my three kids are driving me crazy this summer :)</p>

13

<p>My mom never had much of a mothering gene and she doesn’t need anything to get her mind off me being gone lol. </p>

<p>My dad OTOH is the one who cried like a baby at my graduation and can’t let go. He has dogs and plants to fill his time. He also umpires, coaches, and takes in stray kids like my friends who need a place to go. He’s not happy unless he’s fathering someone or something. </p>

<p>There’s always fur babies that need a mom or dad :slight_smile: lol</p>

14

<p>Jym, well HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And a nice round number to look at as an opportunity for some nice new thoughts/activities to start out your decade - some of them perhaps with your kids and some without (but that allow you the opportunity to share with them and let them get excited about YOU and your going-ons!!!)</p>

15

<p>YEP!</p>

<p>Since I always had a houseful (5 kiddos, 5 dogs, 2 cats and 1 bunny) it was busy, busy, busy.</p>

<p>And I miss my children at the different ages and stages as well. As a single mom, my job was cook, coach, tutor, eye and bottom wiper, and friend. Only the friend is needed anymore.</p>

<p>I truly miss getting them ready for bed all dressed in their Carter’s jammies (the ones with the snaps, don’t make them anymore), reading and telling bedtime stories and giggling well-passed bedtime. I miss attending all their high sporting events (all were 3-season varsity athletes) and bringing home all their friends to eat and hang-out. Granted I thought I spent all my time at the grocery store and cooking for the football team but again I was NEEDED. </p>

<p>My baby is 23 and they are all self-sufficient. They are my buddies and they have made their way back to our area after undergrad. Some grad school plans may take some out-of-the-area but we shall see. </p>

<p>I thought son in med school would end up far away but he decided to attend the local med school, maybe he will also pursue a local residency. He finds ways to still “need” me, done to keep me happy…</p>

<p>When one spends more time of their life centered around children than themselves it is an effort and strange to try and switch it up. Just feels weird. Really weird.</p>

<p>And waiting on grandbabies is hard. And keeping my mouth shut about it. I try, but they ALL know what I am wishing!</p>

<p>I hear you Jym, I really, really do.</p>

<p>Kat
ps. in the last 14 months we lost 3 of the dogs, all over 15, both cats 19 and 21 and the bunny, 6…so my house (or shoe as it is referred to) is much, much quieter…my 2 remaining puppies are 14 and 15…</p>

16

<p>I can’t even read through these posts, it’s upsetting me already. At least my dogs still need me.</p>

17

<p>Happy Birthday!!! JYM I hope that this year will bring you different joys and different activities. </p>

<p>I was quite anxious and depressed when we celebrated certain milestones. But then I got another medical issue. I began exercising every day. And my body did respond. We have friends who children will never be “ok”…and I considered myself so lucky. I will admit to another vice: retail therapy. It is working fine.</p>

<p>And…just when those pinpricks of sadness I was (a)given a mood elevator…and(b) my son announced his engagement!!! </p>

<p>There is always a new twist…you’ll find your new twists. And it will be wonderful.</p>

<p>****re: retail therapy. My Saks card tape thing is now worn out. They are sending me a new card. I am looking forward to breaking that card in as well.</p>

18

<p>I was just thinking a few days ago how much I am enjoying the relationships I have with my children. Two of mine are basically launched. In my case there is a huge difference in how much mothering my girls need versus their brother. Though both girls are strong capable women they like to call and discuss or just talk. My S on the other hand gives me the same reaction MomofwildChild gets, when he calls I find myself catching my breath waiting for the bad news to come. He teases me that I always seem so panicked when he calls.
My youngest is just 19 but she is fiercely independent but does still call for motherly advice. The amazing thing is that at 19 she respects my opinions. The older 2 at 19 still felt they knew everything and Mom knew nothing.
I am in the process of figuring out what to do with my life.</p>

19

<p>

This something my parents were never able to do, especially my dad, God rest his soul, and my first few years of adulthood were very difficult because of it. I’m trying with my kids, and seem to be getting there with S1. S2, not so much - I can’t so much as say hello to him without getting my head snapped off - but that’s another post.</p>

20

<p>Happy birthday, Jym!!! I think KatwKittens said it. What we all need is GRANDBABIES!!! I am in the same boat, with DD and DS both launched and far away… and it is harder to stay connected at times. But I am feeling absolutely celebratory today, since the DOMA decision will allow my Dd to get married and come to the states and stay together with her international partner. Such a life-changing and life-affirming Supreme Court decision!
Have a glass of artery-clearing red wine, Jym, and some dark chocolate, and start planning the next family vacation. All the best to you, my friend!</p>