<p>“Decisions like this do open my eyes. I see what and who she values. I don’t see this as being petty. If, when her daughter gets married, I didn’t attend, for reasons short of death or serious illness, she would feel slighted and rightly so.”</p>
<p>Maybe she thinks this ceremony is trivial. Since she’s in the business, maybe she felt hers was not a big deal at all. We’ve all had major accomplishments here, but is just starting something such a huge deal? I think graduating from med school will be very important. I couldn’t imagine anyone flying across the country for my kid’s high school or college graduation. If they were local and they were the grandparents, I’d invite them. I would not compare a ceremony for starting med school to a wedding.</p>
<p>I wonder if she would have stayed the week if you’d let her know how important this was to you. If you don’t tell her, how to you expect her know? I only have one sibling and I can’t imagine flying across the country for her kid’s graduation (or her for mine, that would be silly, I wouldn’t even ask), but I would for a wedding. I think holding it against her that she’s attending a high school reunion (that may be only every 10-20 years) is petty. And she won’t even have a clue of why you’re angry. You should at least give her the benefit of telling her the truth, that you are upset.</p>
<p>Is there really an expectation that a student’s large extended family attend their white coat ceremony? I had thought it was mainly for parents and perhaps siblings of the student.<br>
You say your sister is a physician. Maybe she doesn’t feel the same way about the ceremony’s importance that you do. When she had her own white coat ceremony years ago, did you, your aunts and uncles and other family members attend?<br>
I can’t imagine “expecting” any family member to attend a graduation, an honorary ceremony, or even a wedding, quite frankly, much less be angry if they chose not to- especially if they have to travel far to do so. Are you sure you’re not letting your pride for your daughter, and your expectation that everyone else in the family share in that pride, skew your perspective? </p>
<p>My D was married last year on the East Coast, and my brother was on a one-year assignment in Asia at the time. He did not attend D’s wedding (called me to discuss it with me before declining). His wife and daughter, who had stayed behind, did attend. It was a disappointment to me, but I was not going to force it, as I would not want anyone attending an event due to duress. Come joyfully or don’t come is my position. While I did not object when he told me that he could not see making the 17-hour (one way) flight for the wedding weekend, I was aware that a month or so previous he had made a similarly long trip to do a vacation with his family during his D’s summer break from college.
As I say, I was disappointed, but once I knew his position I saw nothing to be gained by forcing the issue. Plus I did appreciate how hard it would be to adjust to the time zone difference for a short time.
P.S. This would not affect how I would approach attending his D’s college graduation. If he wants me there I will try my best to make it.</p>
<p>Gosh, you seem determined to feel dissed. A wedding is not the same thing as a graduation or white-coat ceremony. My sister didn’t come to my ds’s graduation across country, didn’t come to the local dinner we had for him and hasn’t sent him a card. Her loss. I can’t change her actions, but I can choose not to be pissed about it and hold a grudge. Just because your HS reunion is not a big deal to you doesn’t mean it isn’t for her.</p>
<p>Our DD’s college graduation was across the country. We invited folks…some came and some did NOT. No one on my side of the family came…none of my sisters, and not the grandparents on that side. I did not feel snubbed. They celebrated with DD at different times. It was a LONG trip, with the time change, and the like.</p>
<p>You are the one placing the high value on this ceremony. And yes, I know it’s a special ceremony for new med school students. But it’s not the end of the world if your sister misses it.</p>
<p>Is it worth causing a family tiff over this?</p>
<p>I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I think your daughter’s graduation from med school is far more important an event.</p>
<p>I also agree that you are being unreasonable. It’s a “white coat” ceremony. Tell your daughter you are proud and make the day about your daughter. HINT: It’s supposed to be about your daughter. Take pictures and get over it. Quit spewing toxic and negative thoughts on your daughter’s day. It’s your sister’s decision to see people she may never see again. Traveling is a bear and to do it twice within a short time frame is hard on the body and mind. This doesn’t sound like your daughter’s ceremony; it sounds like your opportunity to crow and show off in front of the rest of your family. Since sister isn’t attending, you don’t get to show off as much as you wanted. Suck it up for your daughter, but then again, it’s not about your daughter’s accomplishments, is it?. </p>
<p>Your sister has obligations and maybe she is concerned about her patients. I completely empathize because I often have gone to work just to check on one or two clients. </p>
<p>And for what its worth, I never miss my HS reunions because our class of 500 has weathered a lot over the past 35 years. Our class has become close (web site, facebook). My classmates have had mini-reunions across the country. Classmates have donated marrow to save our friends. They’ve raised money for breast cancer in classmates’ names. They’ve forwarded resumes to get classmates employed. They’ve attended funerals and raised money for spouses. One class mate (Kim) had a lengthy chair ramp built especially for her modest rental after having her leg amputated. Rosana didn’t charge Kim a penny! The funny thing is that my sister’s class, one year younger, is nowhere near as close as my class. It’s different for everyone. So don’t downgrade reunions because you don’t like your sister seeing her friends. </p>
<p>Every family is different. I would not expect my siblings to attend my kids’ college graduations and they haven’t and vice versa (distances involved). The white coat ceremony is special but not as big as a graduation, in my opinion. It seems something more geared for just the immediate family. If your sister lived in driving distance, perhaps she would have come, but across the country for this particular occasion doesn’t seem typical to me for an aunt to do. I don’t nearly equate it to a wedding, which I would expect one’s sibling to attend, even with this distance involved. I guess one thing that makes the idea of her coming for it somewhat reasonable is because you flew across the country recently for her kid’s graduation. Then again, your D is not graduating at this ceremony and so it is not on par with that. I would let this go. I think many of us think it is not expected for an aunt to fly across the country for a white coat ceremony. It would be an issue more if she missed all occasions. Hopefully she can come to the med school graduation. </p>
<p>As my only sibling, I thought we were really close. We email every day. She knows this important to me. But no, there is nothing I can do besides vent to you folks. I can’t set aside a lifelong relationship over one slight. </p>
<p>I guess the lesson is that when we have issues like this in our families, the first priority should be family.</p>
<p>Since your sister is a doctor herself could it be that her own white coat ceremony didn’t mean that much to her so she doesn’t realize how much it would mean to you if she attended? Or that maybe she thinks the med. school graduation 4 years from now will be more important for her to attend?</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, my oldest son is a physician - he just finished his residency in June. Neither one of my sisters attended his white coat ceremony.</p>
<p>I don’t think it would hurt to let you know you are sad that she won’t be there, but just don’t make judgment on her choices and tell her she’s wrong. You could be understanding and say it’s unfortunate that it conflicts with her HS reunion. When it was apparent there would be a conflict did you ask her to come out for the graduation instead?</p>
) is that, sure it’s a disappointment but is it worth making a huge deal of it?</p>