<p>D will be starting medical school in August. I’ve invited my extended family to the white coat ceremony. In fact, I invited them in lieu of attending D’s graduation (the logistics of moving out of her apartment in the hours immediately after graduation precluded any type of dinner party). I wanted this white coat to be a family celebration honoring my daughter. </p>
<p>Sister’s high school reunion is the week before the white coat ceremony. She is definitely attending that. Now she says she may not be able to attend my D’s white coat ceremony. Attending both would entail flying cross country twice in a relatively short period of time.</p>
<p>Sister is my only sister. I am feeling snubbed. Sister obviously prefers to see people at the high school reunion rather than me, my daughter and my husband. </p>
<p>I should add that I just flew across country to attend her son’s high school graduation. It was important to her that I go, so I went and went gladly. </p>
<p>Am I being unreasonable? Is a high school reunion more trip-worthy than a niece’s white coat ceremony (with other outings planned to make the long weekend festive and memorable)? </p>
<p>Have you mentioned to her how important this is to you? For me, not having any close relatives in medicine, I wouldn’t realize the import of a “white coat ceremony” (which sounds lovely!). </p>
<p>If money is an issue and she can afford the time, could she stay with you for the week in between the two events?</p>
<p>How close is your sister to your niece? Do they have a relationship, correspond personally with one another, or is the relationship primarily through you?
Is it possible that the reunion is something your sister has been looking forward too long before she knew about the white coat ceremony? I will also say, that for someone unfamiliar with the medical profession and the meaning the ceremony has for the students and their families, it may not seem like that big a deal to them. She may not “get it.”
I wouldn’t take it as a snub. A disappointing outcome for you (and I assume your daughter), but people sometimes make choices for reasons we can’t really know or understand. Unless your sister has been dismissive or seemed uncaring in general, I’d let it pass and enjoy the company of the rest of your family that does attend.</p>
<p>Sister is a doc and has plenty of money. D admires her aunt very much. Sister has known about this for months. All med schools have them and D has been accepted since October. </p>
<p>I don’t want Sister to come under duress, as it were. But I am extremely disappointed and this will affect what I thought was a close relationship.</p>
<p>Since you asked… yes, I think you are being unreasonable. Your sister only has the opportunity to get together with her hs pals in one place once a decade. </p>
<p>She can see your daughter and family on many occasions. HS reunions are once in a lifetime events (for each ear.–everyone will be changed from 10 yr 20 yr etc.) I think you are being selfish, and I hope you aren’t letting your daughter copy that attitude. Just my reaction. To me, the white coat thing is not a big deal to attend. Congrats in order and all but it isn’t something I’d expect extended family to attend. It isn’t her graduation.</p>
<p>And my daughter will never have another white coat ceremony. It’s not that she can’t attend both. It’s just a lot of traveling. To me, people you knew 40 years ago, who are virtual strangers now, are less important than a niece.</p>
<p>Regarding her son’s high school graduation, why do you think it was important to her that you go? Did she directly say so to you? If so, you can ask her in the same way she asked you to do that. Unless you assumed it was important and decided to attend. </p>
<p>Some people attach more importance to various family events and markers than others. My SIL is crazy about birthdays, and offended if anyone forgets hers, her son’s, or my brother’s. We sort of roll our eyes – it isn’t a big deal to us, and we would not notice if she didn’t send a card or call or something. We live far away, and just don’t see it as a priority. I would have thought it a bit strange if they had come for one of my kids’ graduations, and I didn’t attend my nephew’s graduations.</p>
<p>This only affects your relationship as much as you let it. I have to say… I don’t see the big deal about a ceremony starting med school. I see it as a much bigger deal to finish. Is your sister supportive at other times of you and your kids? If she is, I think you need to let it go.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s worth making a big deal out of. I have only one sibling, my younger sister, and she has done a few things that really upset me. We are very different people. But I know we will have only each other one day, so I try to give her a pass. I’m sure she feels the same way about me!</p>
<p>The way you worded your question, it looks like you’ve already made up your mind about feeling slighted. I’m not sure what you want from us.</p>
<p>I won’t feel snubbed nor do I care if I’ve been snubbed intentionally. At this age, as my brother put it, we are looking for reasons to be happy and not get mad at family members. If we can get together great, if not there are other time. Why because we don’t know how long we will be here? As he put it, we all will be six foot under. Besides we can’t control their behaviors anyway, why let their behavior stress you out?
I have a sister that sometimes could drive me insane so the above advice helped me.</p>
<p>My niece and nephew had a white coat ceremony in other states. Only their respective parents attended. I did attend some of my relative’s grad ceremonies if it wasn’t too onerous to do so. </p>
<p>Only a few relatives attended my kids’ grad ceremonies. It was fine with us and them. We consider ourselves very close. </p>
<p>Some folks really enjoy their class reunions. I would really not make this an issue to feel slighted over. If the parents of the person getting the white coat can attend, that’s great! Beyond that, I wouldn’t sweat it. Maybe your sis can attend your D’s MD grad ceremony, where she gets hooded. :)</p>
<p>Decisions like this do open my eyes. I see what and who she values. I don’t see this as being petty. If, when her daughter gets married, I didn’t attend, for reasons short of death or serious illness, she would feel slighted and rightly so.</p>
<p>I can see her point about flying across the country twice. Could she take a week off and stay with your family after the reunion and then fly home after the white coat ceremony? I would not feel snubbed as she seems to have a reasonable explanation for not attending. </p>
<p>When I extend any kind of invitation, I do so with no expectations. I am signaling that I or my family would like to spend some time with that person. If they accept then that is great, but if they decline I try not to evaluate it any further. If it happens more than a few times then one just needs to re-evaluate the relationship. In your sister’s case, she is family so all you can really do is accept her answer graciously. If her declinations become a constant theme then I would just stop extending invitations.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t consider it a big deal if someone didn’t come. A few years ago someone I know was going on and on about the ceremony for her son starting law school. I’d never heard of such a thing, and I went to law school! My mother happened to come to my swearing in as a lawyer because she was in town as her first grandson had just been born, but otherwise she wouldn’t have gone.</p>
<p>Why is this so important to you? Is it as important to your daughter? Do you want your sister to come even if she doesn’t want to? Won’t that make you all miserable?</p>
<p>They can be equated in this way. The wedding would be important to her and it would hurt her feelings if I didn’t attend. This hurts my feelings. Maybe only a parent who has seen her child go through the extreme difficulties, stress and hard work to get to med school can really understand what that accomplishment means. </p>
<p>Do you think you could express to your sister how much it would mean to you if she attended? I think her response to that should determine whether or not you should feel snubbed. Perhaps since she has been through medical school, she might not put the same emphasis on the white coat ceremony. As another poster noted, perhaps she sees the graduation ceremony as something more important.</p>
<p>Do you generally keep score?
The white coat ceremony is not a graduation correct?
It was your choice to invite for this ceremony instead of her college graduation, and it was your choice to attend her sons high school graduation, ( I realize you did it in response to her wishes, but as an adult, you choose your actions).</p>
<p>Sorry to be blunt, but I found it saves time.
I actually applaud your sister for doing something she wants to do. Often times women put aside their interests in exchange for meeting obligations.</p>