Fighting relatives - advice needed

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Despite my name, I am out of college and have been living and working, fully self-supporting for a few years now. I live in a studio.</p>

<p>I have family relatives that I see a few times a year, usually at their house. They often get into really all-out fights with each other (verbal, not physical, and no swearing, but really, really emotionally intense, take-no-prisoners type fights that can go on for hours). Last time it happened at my one-room apartment, after which I firmly decided not to have them over again.</p>

<p>However, now they need a place to stay for a night. They are coming in for something pretty important, not just fun, so I felt compelled to invite them to spend the night. It’s the holiday season, and getting a hotel room now is hard and expensive. I just felt bad putting them through that.</p>

<p>But I am feeling kind of anxious about it. It stresses me out a lot when they fight, and I am right there. More importantly, and also the reason I can’t just leave if it starts, is I live with my animals who get very stressed out by this - they are not used to this at all, as usually it’s just us in a very peaceful environmet - and remember, this is all one room. One of my animals specifically has a very serious medical condition which can be made worse by stress. So, worrying about all this makes my own stress level just go through the roof.</p>

<p>What can I do if they start fighting again (they won’t stop just by being asked/told)?</p>

2

<p>Address before they arrive: “During your last visit, a heated, emotional argument occurred. Exchanges of this type bring extreme distress upon my animal and me.
You are family and I enjoy spending time with you; however, should an argument erupt,
I will sadly have to ask you to leave and find alternate accommodations.”<br>
And then follow through!
(Your house–your rules!)</p>

3

<p>I like gosmans suggestion.</p>

4

<p>Can you nicely say your animal is recovering and you are so sorry, but this is simply not a time you can have company in the studio? I wouldn’t put them on the defense, if you expect a continuing relationship. I personally feel a person with no additional space isn’t under the same hosting obligations. They made their plans and, perhaps, shouldn’t have assumed. Good luck with this.</p>

5

<p>I agree with post two as well. You are a kind person. Make your rules clear now, so they can follow them. Good luck!</p>

6

<p>I agree with what others have said. However, be forewarned: If these are your parents or others of your parents’ generation, they might not take you seriously and, frankly, might not believe that you mean what you say. Be prepared that you might have to actually kick them out and that it could get messy.</p>

<p>ETA: “Asking [them] to leave” might not in fact make them pick up their stuff and move to the door. Is there a friend you and your animals can stay with? Or is there a friend of yours that your relatives can stay with??</p>

7

<p>Like button for #2.</p>

<p>You are a better person than me. I wouldn’t even have offered. Tell them your animal is sick.</p>

8

<p>I have dealt with something like this in my own life, though it was an ongoing situation, not a one shot occurrence. It is difficult, because it is family and we want to be hospitable and show them love, in fact lot of us are programmed that is the only thing to do, but the problem is we also are people with our own needs and rules and so forth in our lives. Put it this way, if this were a friend, even a close one, would you put up with this? if it was a married couple who are friends, would you put up with them fighting? I doubt it…</p>

<p>In my case, because of the way I was brought up and because of the way in some ways I was ‘programmed’, you were supposed to put up with any kind of crap family dumped on you (but you dare better not do that to others), and I had this incredible fear that if I said no or put up boundaries, the world would end…took me a lot of therapy to learn that it is okay to have rules and boundaries, and if they don’t like it, well, says a lot about them. </p>

<p>I agree with another poster, if they are going to be staying with you talk to them and let them know that as much as you love them and want to be hospitable, that when staying with you they need to stop with the fighting and such, that if they really need to fight or argue, to not do it in your apartment, to take it someplace, maybe outside or something. Sorry, but the old blood is thicker than water argument only goes so far, and quite frankly they are the ones who are ruining it by being disrespectful to you and assuming you will put up with their bad behavior that they never would expect from other people. You are going out of your way to help them, to try and save them from the hassle and expense of a hotel, and in effect by fighting in front of you they are acting like they are doing you a favor by staying there…</p>

9

<p>Ditto #2–Tell them BEFORE they get there that good behavior is mandatory. If not possible beforehand then when they arrive at your door–take their suitcase and if anyone says anything besides “Of course!” then place their suitcase outside the door again. And if anyone starts anything simply tell them that sorry, good behavior is required and act like adults or they can leave (not your problem where they go). It does work (speaking from unfortunate experience).</p>

10

<p>? and they start arguing and you and your pet get stressed…and then you ask them to leave? After it’s upsetting? Then, you ask them to find a hotel? </p>

<p>Assuming they even remember a promise not to fight. Or don’t take offense at the initial rules. I get the open honesty part, but you’re not talking about some complaint like they use your towel or don’t clean up after themselves- something you could endure for a day or two. You’re already anxious about this. You have a right to say, I am sorry, this isn’t convenient.</p>

11

<p>You don’t have to say that they will need to leave if they argue.</p>

<p>You just need to say that they will need to go elsewhere to have their argument. Like outdoors. They’re welcome to come back when the argument is over. </p>

<p>But whatever you tell them, make sure to do it in advance.</p>

12

<p>I think they should realize how much they are infringing upon you. You have a studio apartment, and a couple stays with you? Sounds too crowded, with no chance for privacy.</p>

13

<p>Oh my, whyever did you feel “compelled” to invite people you know won’t get along, and will not listen to your request that they do so? Seriously, that’s asking for disaster. When/if they get into a fight, do you really think telling them to take it outside will help? They’ll ignore you. Giving them the rules ahead of time? Not gonna work. Likely, actually, to set off the first round. </p>

<p>But you already invited them. So when they start to fight, leave. Yourself. Unless your pet is going to die from the fight, it will be over , they will leave, and you will have the good sense to never, ever, offer to put them up. Ever. And if they ASK, you will say you are so sorry, but you are painting and couldn’t possibly.</p>

14

<p>Since you already invited them, I think you can ask them not to fight while they are at your place. If they do, then next time they are in town, just be honest and say, I can’t have you over, I just can’t take the fighting. So sorry. I don’t get why they would do that in front of a third party. SMH. Is drinking involved?</p>

15

<p>I wouldn’t have offered my place too just like oldfort. There’s too much going on this holiday season and I don’t have the time and energy to babysit destructive behavior from relatives on a daily basis. A two-hour party, okay but I have been there and done that kind of hospitable nature before to no avail too many times. But you already invited them. You have to try to find a way to diffuse the fight before it starts. Steer the conversation into neutral ground. Maybe, you could teach them to have a dialogue instead of arguing.</p>

16

<p>I’d vacate with the sick animal when there are signs of an argument starting, saying loudly you and your sick pet will be out for an hour, to allow them time to work out their differences and expect calm when you return.</p>

17

<p>Wow, thank you for all the suggestions I already got! A lot of responses!</p>

<p>Yes, I feel really stupid for inviting them, but, without giving out too much personal info, it’s something really important they are coming into the city for, and they have helped me in the past. Also, the wife is generally a really nice person. And, not the least of it is that they ARE relatives. I just felt really bad for them and maybe also felt like I owed it to them, because of them helping me out in the past.</p>

<p>No, alcohol is not involved. They have had these fights for as long as I have known them, and they have actually gotten better (as in, much less frequent), but when they do fight it’s also pretty intense and prolonged.</p>

<p>Leaving for me is definitely not an option. The animal with the medical condition needs to stay inside and travel/be out in the cold only if absolutely necessary. Also, I can’t leave my other animals behind. Even though they are healthy, I know it will be a horrible situation to just leave them alone with people they barely know, and having to hear them fight for hours (it can definitely easily go for over an hour).</p>

<p>I did talk to the couple and say that if they fight, I WILL make them go outside, and they can’t come back until the fight is over. They agreed, apologized for fighting last time, and said they definitely won’t be fighting. BUT, I also don’t necessarily believe them.</p>

<p>I am counting on the fact that it’s only one night, less than 24 hours.</p>

<p>Mainly, I just wanted to confirm that I wasn’t out of place or being rude or unreasonable if I make them take it outside if they fight. Because I WILL do it, hurt feelings or not, I am not putting up with it this time - they can come back once it’s done.</p>

18

<p>Sounds like you’ve got it under control. No, you aren’t out of place in the least. Stand your ground IF something happens. But don’t stay on edge–the stress of worrying about something that may never happen might do you in before they even arrive. Expect the best and prepare for the worst. You’ve prepared for the worst, now expect the best.</p>

19

<p>Good job, speaking up to them. Now stick to your very reasonable rules. When voices get loud and/or raised, stop them and hand them their coats and invite them to go for a walk to work things out because they’re agitating the pets and you don’t want an ER visit to the vet. </p>

<p>Remind them as needed.</p>

20

<p>^^^^^
Great advice, stay strong and don’t put up with their crap.</p>