<p>My trusty parenting skills are being put to the test. D’s been at college for three weeks now and all I am hearing are complaints. Things like “there’s nothing to eat that I like” and "I don’t know where to find XYZ store . This is in addition to the usual comments about the heavy work load etc. ,but somehow we end up starting off with food.</p>
<p>I kick into my parenting mode pretty quickly and start throwing out suggestions like “how ’ bout trying something new instead of looking for the macaroni and cheese” and maybe you can find a friend who knows where to find XYZ store". </p>
<p>I then digress into my “I hope youre not going to leave your college over food issues. We’ve worked too hard to get you there” mode. So then she accuses me of being too dramatic and asks what would make me think that lack of food would make her want to leave. </p>
<p>Maybe its time for a new approach. Anyone have any suggestions? Do I just go slack-jawed when the complaints start and pretend not to notice.? I know it sounds funny and it is when I think about it, but seriously how do you get past the complaints?</p>
<p>I have a son who occasionally goes into complaint mode. Basically, I see my role as to sympathetically nod (or say “yeah” on the phone), listen to him rant, and not worry too much about it. I have found that sometimes he just needs to get it out of his system, and then he will deal with it and be fine. I generally don’t bother giving suggestions unless he asks for them, because that often is not what he wants. He just wants someone to listen.</p>
<p>Agree with Susantm. You know how annoying it is when all you want to do is rant and H immediately starts making suggestions to “fix” it? That’s not the point of the rant. You know how to fix things; you know what to do. You just want to vent and have someone nod sympathetically. Your D probably needs someone to complain to and you’re it. With her new friends, she wants to be upbeat and cool, not whiny and complaining. I remember when mine were little and I would just get them home from the babysitter or preschool — where they were happy as clams — and had them fall apart as soon as we got in the door. Whining. Fighting. Meltdowns for no apparent reason. Someone wise once told me that they saved it up for me because with me, they felt safe and could let those feelings out. I wonder if it’s something like that. </p>
<p>im wondering if it is part of her transition process?</p>
<p>I might ask if they want to just vent or is there actually something that they wanted help with
she might just be looking for reassurance that she can handle all the changes and challenges that are being thrown at her.
It kinda reminds me of when kids are little- they make a big step forward, but then you notice them sliding back a bit in other ways for a short time.
The key is short.
just remember that
:)</p>
<p>I totally agree with Susantm and jazzymom. I remember when I was a freshman and whenever I called home during the first semester and talked to my Mom I complained about something. I also remember she asked me why I was always complaining, and I said if I couldn’t complain to her, who could I complain to? She stopped trying to problem-solve after that, I complained now and then, and when I adjusted to school, the complaints stopped. Just listen and be thankful she feels close enough to you to tell you what she’s thinking.</p>
<p>I have a feeling my son won’t even complain to me when he goes off to college next year, because that would be giving me too much information!</p>
<p>I remember when my kids were little and would bang their arm and get all whiney, I was patient, but they would REAALLLY milk the sympathy card, so I would ask Daddy where the scissors were so we could cut it off and they could grow a new one…sounds mean, but it was actually really funny and took them out of “poor me” drama, and they would laugh at me like I was a crazy lady, and to this day they tell their friends how mommy fixed their booboos</p>
<p>with your D, just say, yeah, must suck having nothing at all to eat…guess you will never find that store…oh well…you can’t fix the food, you can’t find the store (okay you could send her the link email), but let it go, don’t react by sounding like you are trying to solve anything, but do make a joke…you don’t have to be mean or anything, just say, yeah, I can see why that might be a problem with all that food and nothing to eat</p>
<p>think of it this way, remember when they would come out of their rooms complaining about NOTHING TO WEAR, and we could go in and find seven perfect outfits and they kick you out or say, no none is JUST RIGHT…when D starts complaining, its the same thing</p>
<p>also, you can talk about YOUR stuff- are you empty nesters and dad is making you crazy, are you cooking too much without her there, are the younger siblings going bonkers now without the big sis there…</p>
<p>joke about painting her room zebra stripes, talk about the cat, just some normal silly home stuff, to pull out of the loop of complaining</p>
<p>How about when they are home and complain that there is NOTHING to eat… and you’ve just done the week’s shopping, the frig & the pantry are full… so you start with the suggestions… and it turns out that they simply aren’t interested in anything such fruit, veggies, cheese, eggs, or bread, and that “NOTHING” really means is that there doesn’t happen to be half of a pizza or a bucket of fried chicken sitting in the frig…</p>
<p>exactlly calmom, that is when I pull out the big guns- and say</p>
<p>well, guess you gonna pass out from lack of the “just right food”, I will have to take you to the hospital and big ole needles will be stuck in your arm to give you nutrients…so if you are going to pass out, do it near the front door so I can drag you to the car…</p>
<p>the looks I get…but once again, my 15 year realizes she is being silly and suddenly “discovers” something to eat</p>
<p>or when deciding where to eat out
I am hungry
what do you want to eat
I don’t know
How about this
No
Well, what are you in the mood for
I don’t know but it isn’t anything quick and easy or nearby
How about mexican…
EWWW
How about Italian
Nah
THat is when I pick and say no griping…</p>
<p>arghh, I do think it is usually a girl thing, and I am a girl with two girls and a mom…my H just has learned to say YES</p>
<p>To make a gross over-generalization, I think it’s kind of a girl thing.</p>
<p>S’s girlfriend said her mother scolded (my word, not hers) her because it seemed like all GF did was complain. GF was horrified and asked S is she really was that much of a whiner. I think she thought she was just reporting. We’ll see if the heightened awareness makes any difference.</p>
<p>My S does grumble that the food at his campus (USC) isn’t great, but it’s just a passing remark. When he was in HS, I used to try to “solve” all the gripes he would bring up before I finally started asking, “Are you just venting or should we be brainstorming some action plans?” This made both of us think about what we wanted from the conversation/monologue & made it more productive for both of us. He generally wanted to vent & have me be semi-understanding (not TOO much or he’d call me fake). It seems to be what he wants when he communicates from college as well.
We get along much better once we clarify our expectations from the conversation.</p>
Nope, my son is just as bad. The worse part is that my son is a vegetarian and daughter is an absolute carnivore; son likes food hot & spicy to the max; daughter likes it bland and doesn’t even want 2 different types of food to touch… so there’s no satisfying the both of them at once. It’s pretty comical when we all decide to go out to eat together – no matter what one suggests, the other vetoes it. </p>
<p>As far as the college food goes, my d. was quite distraught last week because it is physically impossible for her to get to the dining hall at her college while it is open for dinner on Tuesdays & Thursdays, because she only has a half hour between a late afternoon class and early evening class. Wanted to know if we could get a refund on the overpriced meal plan. Don’t I wish? (I did the math – if we paid for the full amount of meals specified on the plan out of pocket, it would cost less than the plan itself). </p>
<p>But I found a place on the food service web site that said that they could arrange a boxed meal for anyone who couldn’t make it to the dining hall - and emailed the info to my d. Didn’t hear anything again. Asked her about it this week… “oh, I found a time that works better for me.” Since she’s in Manhattan, I didn’t think she would starve, anyway –</p>
<p>When my son was at his first college, all he did was gripe, gripe, gripe at how overpriced the food service was. Fortunately, at his present college he is living in an apartment off campus, so he’s cooking for himself.</p>
<p>When we dropped D off in August, a psychology professor gave an amusing but very informative talk about what to expect and how to parent during this first year. He was excellent. He advised that parents resist throwing out solutions and rather remind the kids that all of the resources are on campus for the student to resolve any problem s/he may confront (excluding of course a real medical or mental health crisis that requires intervention). He advised that parents listen and then say - I am sure you will tap into the resources available to you to solve that dilemma and I will be curious to hear how you resolve it. Good luck! I could not go there during course selection b/c I felt for $42,000 it was okay to help guide D navigate this first round. However, since, I have tried hard to follow this advice. Dr. Duke’s point was that the students feel better and grow up knowing they can solve their own problems. By intervening with all the solutions, we deprive them of this growth opportunity.</p>
<p>I guess I identify with this thread on lots of levels…</p>
<p>first, Mini, are there really starving kids in “europe”? when I grew up, it was kids in “africa” or just “go look at the Maryknoll magazine” to see how fortunate you are… your comment about Europe really struck me that the poverty creep is coming closer to America!! </p>
<p>second, food is often comfort food…kids at school are out of their comfort zone, so they are thinking food a lot…and dining hall food is rarely comfort food…so they seize it to complain about…</p>
<p>third, I complain a lot to my boss about our work environment…volumes and misfires and incompetence and lack of viable communication etc etc… and no one really wants to “hear” it…so all they do is patiently wait for the tirade to finish and then we move on to what we can control and influence…so, as someone on the receiving end of people “tolerating” my rants…I think it is important to have an outlet for the angst…otherwise, it just bottles up inside and then it can explode when we least expect it…</p>
<p>I find that I love talking to my S, but if I don’t have any new news to contribute to the conversation, the call can quickly descend into boring ping pong, ie “what’s new?” “nothing” “how are the roomies?” “fine” … inane chatter like this is tedious for ALL involved…</p>
<p>finally, maybe the best response to the complaints is “would you like me to send a care package? what would you like it to have inside? no promises, but ask and then we will see what you receive?” I think the real purpose of my son’s call the other nite was to solicit cookies, but he quickly realized I was in the throes of quarter close, hosting a party tomorrow, soccer chili duty etc etc…so he never asked… but, I did buy choc chips last nite at the supermarket, so perhaps I will get some baking in on Sunday…</p>
<p>hopefully the above is not too tedious to read… stream of consciousness in some ways…one never knows which threads prompt posting replies!!</p>
<p>When I grew up people were starving in Europe, and my parents actually said that to me. </p>
<p>Have you ever seen the wonderful play/movie " 84 Charring Cross Road"? In it an American routinely sends food to the booksellers in London (Marks and Co.) he is in contact with.</p>
<p>Remember the fundamental rule of dog training (which works for anything with a brain stem): what gets rewarded gets repeated. So don’t reward whining unless that’s what you want. A reward is anything other than dead silence. (In person, you can look away.) Count a few seconds to yourself, then ask “and how are your classes?” or whatever might garner a positive response. </p>
<p>My husband pointed out my own behavior the first time the kids came home: I nagged, *****ed, ordered… in other words, the kids’ rewards for coming home was to hear me whine. Now, I consciously greet them with “I’m so glad you’re home.” Making that conscious change in my own behavior has really changed how the kids and I interact.</p>
<p>dmd77,
Were you born that wise or did you take lessons?</p>
<p>Your second 'graph hit home, as we are headed to Parents Weekend. We are all looking forward to it, but it’s easy to see how a thoughtless nag or b**** can alter the happy tone. A great reminder to think twice, speak once.</p>
<p>speductr,
I hear you. I used to think that S would only call home with complaints or “issues” and I would try to solve, give suggestions, etc. I do very little of it now that I have realized that he just needed to vent. I may interject a “wow” or an “un huh” in an appropriate place, but I try not to solve his problems anymore. (He is a senior in college now.) He has managed quite nicely without my constant advice.</p>
<p>amdgmom: nope, I took lessons in how to train dogs using positive-only methods. The methods were developed by Karen Pryor, who developed them for training orcas (killer whales). Note that if you annoy an orca, you could end up as “a pancake stain on the platform” (quotation from Karen Pryor). Once I saw how well it works with dogs, my husband suggested I try it on the kids. The fundamental concept is catching what you like, rewarding it, and ignoring the rest. So when my kids come home and we’re having a nice conversation, I’ve been known (of late) to hand them a $20 bill and thank them for coming home. They make a joke of it (“dog training again, mom?”) but I notice that things are way better.</p>
<p>Incidentally, the ultimate in dog-training methods is the casino: occasional irregular rewards (a drink, a smile from a half-naked woman with a drink in her hand, a few dollars from time to time, the rare jackpot) and zero response most of the time–never a negative vibe! To transfer it to kid-training, the occasional jackpot (that $20 bill), but mostly a hug, a smile, a thanks for something nice.</p>
<p>And when I do ask for something obnoxious, like a clean room, I try to ask only once and make sure I reward them when they do it…</p>