<p>My husband of 29 years has been having an affair for a year and fooling around for longer than that. This has just come to light. He is supporting the woman with whom he is having the affair and she does not live in the U.S. He has a bank account in the country she lives as he is there for work (!!) periodically.</p>
<p>I am not really looking for general financial advice as I am completely able to support myself and finances are not going to be a factor in deciding what I/we do.</p>
<p>But, he has a LARGE insurance policy that was meant to be for me/our children but over which I have no control if he is to change beneficiaries. If we divorce and he marries this other woman, she will no doubt become the beneficiary. He claims devotion to our children. I now trust him as far as I can throw him. </p>
<p>I want to purchase- with our joint funds- a single payment annuity or some similar financial tool that will provide for the children (who are not young- the issue is not so much paying for their college, the issue is giving them a big lump sum when he dies for their own use) and which I control the beneficiary status of.</p>
<p>Basically, I want to ensure that if/when the other woman gets control of his money entirely- my children are not left out in the lurch. </p>
<p>This is something I know nothing about. Can someone help me and describe how I can do this now.</p>
<p>Sorry about the situation with your marriage. When my sister got divorced in her settlement her ex husband was required to carry a $1M life insurance policy with her as the beneficiary. You should consult an attorney and discuss having an insurance policy as part of your settlement. </p>
<p>My concern is that it seems not unlikely he will live in this other country, after which I have no control…nor does any US court. So, I need to do something that in one payment will get things right.</p>
<p>I thought our marriage was all about trust. Boy, was I wrong.</p>
<p>If he is willing, you can get him to make the beneficiary irrevocable, and make the kids his beneficiary.</p>
<p>He should have no objection to this. If he does, then you will know that he plans on screwing the kids over.</p>
<p>I am an estate planning lawyer, and it is VERY common for the kids of the first marriage to get screwed over when the father remarries a new woman.</p>
<p>Are you planning divorce? In many divorces, well, mine, being the beneficiary of life insurance, or other insurance policies is part of the divorce agreement. Keeping the current policy can be part of the divorce judgment. He can do what he likes for the new woman, but needs to abide by the divorce agreement, and if something changes, you have that divorce judgment to fall back on. I would think maintaining this prior insurance would be far easier than setting up new policies or annuities at this time. </p>
<p>My ex and I had each other as the beneficiary of life insurance policies till the kids graduated from HS. I changed mine to my kids, and have no clue what he did after that point. </p>
<p>Wishing you the best, as all this can be quite a sad and awful process.</p>
<p>Hi, thanks. I am putting the cart before the horse I know, as certainly we have not ‘decided’ (or rather I have not decided)-- but I know that regardless of what he says now, he is not trustworthy, period. The complication is actually that although we are American, we do not live in the US. I think that if we proceed, though, we have to do the divorce someplace where the divorce agreements can include these sorts of things.</p>
<p>Ironically, about 20 years ago his mother used to joke about what she called the ‘Jennifer factor.’ My father in law, who passed away recently and whom I loved (and I love my mother in law as well) was a very attractive and wealthy older man. My mother in law joked that if she died first, he was going to find a new wife ‘Jennifer’ and then have to pay for college for a whole new crew of kids ((after paying for my husband and his 4 sibs that is)).</p>
<p>I agree, if possible the current policy, which is US based, needs to be the place to start…
Thanks.</p>
<p>I’m sorry- but just because it’s part of the divorce agreement, doesn’t mean it actually happens. He still has to make the payments, and or not change the beneficiary. And you have to catch him violating the agreement. If he’s dead, it’s too late. So I would just be sure about this … </p>
<p>Floridadad55 has a good suggestion - but that only lasts as long as he has that job with that company and that policy. Right?</p>
<p>Seriously, you need to consult an attorney. This is too serious to rely on advice from strangers on the internet. If your husband were to die overseas in a country where he has resided for some time, it might apply its own laws. If you end up divorced and are divorced pursuant to the laws of a foreign country, your rights and those of your children might be governed by its laws.</p>
<p>I know. I will see a US lawyer at Christmas. The country I live in,where i could file if that is what it comes to, is notoriously pro male in divorce situations. </p>
<p>All of our assets are US based, except my business accounts, and our condo in this country which I have quickly sold (we had an offer in, he didn’t want to take it, I told the realtor to take it–) with the proceeds to me. </p>
<p>I have a bank account (personal) that he does not have access to. He has a bank account in the country he works in that I do not have access to. We have a mutual bank account that is US based. I am thinking of clearing it out and putting it into ‘safe keeping’ to keep it away from the woman. </p>
<p>But, my original question was- is there something I can buy now that would replicate the funds from that insurance policy, specifically. </p>
<p>He pays for the insurance. It is not dependent on his job. </p>
<p>but just because it’s part of the divorce agreement, doesn’t mean it actually happens. He still has to make the payments, and or not change the beneficiary</p>
<p>I believe that in such cases, the insurance company can set up the policy so it requires the ex-wife to sign something (notorized) showing that she agreed to the beneficiary change.</p>
<p>As for making sure the payments are made after the ex-husband moves abroad, this gal may need to have something in place…like some kind of escrow acct where payments are paid from…or she may have to make the payments (and that obligation may involve a better settlement on her part.)</p>
<p>*I have a bank account (personal) that he does not have access to. He has a bank account in the country he works in that I do not have access to. We have a mutual bank account that is US based. I am thinking of clearing it out and putting it into ‘safe keeping’ to keep it away from the woman. </p>
<p>*
I think you have to do this…if he hasn’t already done so himself.</p>
<p>* it is VERY common for the kids of the first marriage to get screwed over when the father remarries a new woman. *</p>
<p>If you’re able to put that money into “safe-keeping”, it may become a bargaining chip to make sure that your kids’ inheritance doesn’t go to some new chick.</p>
<p>I am so sorry about this. My marriage is about the same length as yours, and I would feel shocked and betrayed if this happened.</p>
<p>You are wise to take steps to protect your interests and those of your children. I am wondering whether you could use some of the US assets (like the joint bank account) to buy your own life insurance policy on him? This is possible, right? Then you would control the beneficiaries. </p>
<p>Are there any other assets that you should be taking steps to protect?</p>
<p>Since you have an insurable interest, either you or your kids can be owners of a life insurance policy with your husband as the insured. In that case, he will have no control over who the beneficiaries are. Of course, the premiums are the owner’s responsibility.</p>
<p>*I want to purchase- with our joint funds- a single payment annuity or some similar financial tool that will provide for the children (who are not young- the issue is not so much paying for their college, the issue is giving them a big lump sum when he dies for their own use) and which I control the beneficiary status of.
*</p>
<p>Can you clarify? You say that your children aren’t young and the issue isn’t paying for college. If they aren’t young (and your H won’t likely die within the next couple of years), then what would be your concern about them getting a lump sum?</p>
<p>Keep in mind, that if you give control to the parent, then if you were to die soon, then your H would have control …and how might he misuse that control?</p>
<p>If the issue is that one of you might die before the children are adults, then can you select a 3rd party person or persons (a trusted family member or two) to be have some control over how the money is spent until they are a certain age?</p>
<p>So, its all about your adult kids getting money when their father dies. I don’t know, that just seems strange to me, as if adult children have a right to life insurance. They don’t. If dad decides to give to new wife, his dog, a charity, that’s his choice. They have no right to inheritance either. They are adutls. It would be great if dad was a good guy and left his kids something, but he is not morally required to do so.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input.
Our eldest 2 are young adults who are self funding grad school. The third is in high school. I have already had him put in writing that he will pay for her schooling…
He deferred executive compensation with our intention of it paying out for her college. It is sufficient funds for her for 3 years at current value/costs. But, she is also in (for therapeutic reasons) boarding school. This is paid from his salary as I am the primary parent who visits her, etc, and this eats into my income. </p>
<p>It was our expectation from the start that his life insurance would be for the children if he predeceased them. Different families do things differently and this is what we decided. The insurance benefits are part of our estate. Exactly who is an estate to go to if not the children? We are not talking trust fund babies, just an inheritance which reflects the money earned and delineated on their behalves during our married life… </p>
<p>The idea of me buying a plan that I pay for either in a lump sum is what I have in mind. I would fund this from our joint accounts and then expect him to do whatever he wants with the existing plan— but if I could secure the current insurance, this would be easiest. If he defaulted on the payments, I would pay them. I just don’t want the beneficiary to be changed… </p>
<p>ULtimately of course it is his ‘right’ to do whatever he wants with the moneys in his control. I want to do whatever is in my control to ensure my children are not ‘screwed over’ in all this multiple times over. I think that is the moral thing to do, in fact… He has lost his moral compass, at least for now.</p>