<p>If your child decided they wanted to find a different faith than the faith they were raised in would you be upset?</p>
<p>My D has been educating herself on the tenets of various religions to see which align to her moral compass. She is worried that some family members will be upset. I do not think that should hinder her search but she feels she needs to keep it a secret. </p>
<p>She is an adult who has always made good choices so my feeling is she need not worry about someone else being upset. That is their issue not hers.</p>
<p>As someone who joined a religion when our kids were young (albeit a very liberal one that takes no position on the existance of a deity) later in life, and a brother who became an very serious Episcopalian, I’m familiar with the idea of choosing religion later in life. I think I’d have a bit of a problem if my kids became fundamentalists (of any brand), but I can’t imagine that happening. But the choice is their’s not mine in any event.</p>
<p>I keep my current religion a secret from my parents… and I am over 50 years old (I suspect it is the same religion mathmom belongs to). </p>
<p>I am a little confused by your post, though, OP. Are you upset? Is your wife upset? You specifically ask how we would feel if our child made a different religious choice. But then you say your D is worried about “some family members” (I read this as grandparents/aunts/uncles). So they are not her parents.</p>
<p>My take would be that it is fine for her to keep this information private, especially if she is tentatively exploring a new religious experience and these relatives might be judgmental. This is her own deeply personal decision, and I think she has a right to keep it to herself for as long as she wants to.</p>
<p>How old is your D? I think it’s great that she’s taking responsibility for the search, but yes, some family members ‘might’ not look to fondly upon her deserting the family’s faith of origin. It all depends on the family. Obviously if she has asked you to keep this secretive, she thinks there are some who will disapprove. It took me a while (many months) to tell my parents I’d left the faith they raised me in, and when I did, my mom made comments that suggested she might as well pray for me as if I were dead; I really didn’t expect her to go that far (she did become more accepting over the years). Others, who I thought would be judgmental, were very accepting. So it’s possible your D may be correct in some of her assumptions, and wrong in others. But I would respect her need to keep it secretive, until she feels more comfortable in her new skin and is more confident in telling others. </p>
<p>If your DD is still exploring then there is no reason to subject herself to family judgment and diatribes, if that is what she fears. Once she is certain about her pursuit, it would be great if she felt free to express herself. </p>
<p>I don’t see the problem with keeping it a secret if she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing. I don’t really feel that it’s anyone’s business but one’s own and one can choose whether or not (s)he wants to share that. </p>
<p>I personally have faced this and didn’t keep it a secret, knowing full well what my family’s reaction would be (extended family, parents don’t care). A few went berserk, told me I was going to hell, blah blah blah. I have cousins that have the same religious beliefs as me but have chosen to only tell those of us who accept them regardless of what choices they make. I don’t really think one way is more right than the other. </p>
<p>As a member of the same group as intparent, and therefore probably mathmom as well, I would find it very difficult if my S were to become an adherent of any “fundamentalist” group. (Although frankly I simply can’t imagine that happening. He would have to take leave of his senses.) S declared that he was an atheist when he was 6, and since then has backed off a bit to a more agnostic stance. What I find more likely is that he will eventually marry someone whose family has religious beliefs that neither he nor I will share.</p>
<p>As far as your D is concerned, religious beliefs are one of those things that simply cannot be dictated to a person. </p>
<p>I <em>think</em> my son may have become involved with a fundamentalist group at his college. I’m not sure because the name of the group and the name of the church are very generic-sounding. Even though it’s not how he’s been raised, I’m happy he’s exploring and has found a group and church that he likes. Most kids don’t give religion a second thought during their college years. </p>
<p>Toledo- be careful. Some of these college campus groups are unethical and prey on young people. There is a brainwashing element. MaineLonghorn can fill you in. Her family went through a very unpleasant experience.</p>
<p>My concern would not be over my son getting involved with a fundamentalist group (though I can’t imagine that happening) but with some kind of religious cult. That is, if he (somehow) became a fundamentalist Christian or an Orthodox Jew, that would be his right, but if he got captured by one of those wacko cults I would intervene.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be happy if any of my kids left our faith, but I recognize it is their right to do so. One of my brothers and his wife left the Catholic church and joined a Protestant one. Everyone accepts this, there is no argument or conflict about it, but it doesn’t make us happy–it makes us feel less connected as a family. Religion means different things in different families. To not be Catholic in our extended family means leaving your culture and centuries of family history/tradition behind. It is more than just belief–it is the ritual, customs, and ceremonies throughout life, from generation to generation, that are important, too. So it would make me sad if my kids/future grandkids were no longer part of these.</p>
<p>In my family, a change would not be fully understood by all members of the family. Our faith is strong in my family. One side of my family is one particular denomination, and even through marriages they’ve stayed with their denomination. I see myself doing the same. It’s like atomom said “it is more than just belief–it is the ritual, customs, and ceremonies throughout life, from generation to generation”. </p>
<p>I read a book recently where the daughter changed from her family’s religion and even after a decade of being that religion her family never fully expected her crossover. Your daughter should come to terms that there may be family members who do not agree with her, fully support her, or one hundred percent believe her switch. While it’s not the best scenario it can happen. Relationships may change and that is ok. It’s her life and her decision. How people react is on them.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. My D was raised in the Russian Orthodox Church. During her college years she secretly attended a Quaker Meetinghouse. She felt it was really not for her and is now looking into the Episcopal Church.
She wants to join a church that is very welcoming on LGBT issues and the role of women in the church.
I think the issue will be with one grandparent who in turn will put pressure on her mother. My wife shares my D social outlook but has never officially left the church. She is an infrequent church goer for many reasons but has not made the break from the faith she was raised. It appears my D has really done that-just not publically to the grandparent that cares about the matter.</p>
<p>Yeah, I agree that people are throwing this word “fundamentalist” around lightly. A “fundamentalist Christian” is an valid Christian branch that basically believes in Biblical inerrancy. There is no “cult” aspect to it - just a set of beliefs. Billy Graham was a fundamentalist. While I am not a fundamentalist, I am a Christian evangelical minister and I worry that people are painting Christians with a broad brush. </p>
<p>tom1994, my opinion is that if she wants to keep it secret, there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes as one’s personal philosophy or belief system is developing, the person needs to shield and protect it from family members who may be too invested in the beliefs of others. When she’s ready to unveil it, she probably will. </p>
<p>Another apsect of this is that if the grandparent is old and prone to getting stressed out, it really may not be worth upsetting them. If the grandparent is strong and healthy, then, yeah, I would try not to let them manipulate me - but again, this is really your daughter’s choice.</p>
<p>I think it’s a good sign if she doesn’t need to tell everyone. Sometimes people wish to make a big thing about it with the underlying motivation of rebellion. So if she doesn’t want to upset the grandparent, she is not rebelling, and therefore is sincere in her explorations.</p>
<p>Don’t go looking for trouble. It seems that you <em>want</em> her to tell the grandparents. Why? Sometimes there’s just no point to it. Let her go do her own thing.</p>
<p>No I really do not have the need to tell anyone. I knew about the Quaker attendance and I knew about her search of a different faith prior to that. I only posted because she came to me yesterday to discuss this again but needed to wait until her mom left. I told her she really did not have to keep this a secret. She had the right to make this choice. I believe the search now is about finding a faith where she will ultimately get married in and have all the religious ceremony that she has always liked. Her boyfriend is a non-practicing Catholic but he likes the ceremony of the church. She has been clear to him that she will not get married in either the Russian or Roman Catholic Church… He is aware of her search and says he will join her when she finds a faith she is comfortable with.</p>