<p>D is in her 15th year of Catholic education, S in his 12th. I’ve told them both they are free to make their own religious choices. What matters is they have a strong moral compass. I have openly questioned some teachings of the Catholic church with them, and if they leave the church it will likely be over issues such as birth control and gay marriage. I’ve told them any religion is fine as long as it does not brainwash or teach hate. Even no religion is fine as long as they are caring and compassionate people.</p>
<p>I left the catholic church and raised my kids protestant. I know it didn’t sit well with my mom, but I didn’t just decide one day for the heck of it. Family tradition is really not a compelling enough reason to me to stay.</p>
<p>Having the faith I do as a Christian I would not be thrilled if my kids decided on a completely different religion. My son is dating a girl of a different faith and he is what apparently you all think of as fundamentalist - he believes what the bible has to say and is not added to or subtracted from. To me it doesn’t make sense that you can be a true, devout christian who believes the only way of salvation is jesus christ and marry someone and raise children outside that faith. If you are just a dabbler, in name only, christmas and easter kind of christian I get it. But not if that’s truly your full time faith. But I could say that about any “big time” religion.</p>
<p>MODERATOR’S NOTE:</p>
<p>Please be careful - this thread is walking a fine line when it comes to the TOS. Religion is supposed to be discussed only as it directly relates to education. Please don’t make disparaging remarks about ANY group. Before you post something, try substituting the name of YOUR denomination (or “atheism,” if it applies to you) for the church you’re describing, and see if you would be offended by the statement.</p>
<p>I hope my D will retain the faith she was raised in as an adult, but I also realize that I have no control over that, and I wouldn’t sever my relationship with her (or any other family member) over this issue. I believe that faith is a gift and I ask (pray) that it be given to her. If you don’t have it, though, you don’t have it, and can’t be made to have it. I do understand the desire to have your children and grandchildren stay in your faith.</p>
<p>I married a Catholic in a Protestant ceremony in my home church. His mother was not happy about it, so I understand a little of what the dynamics are in this situation. She wanted us married by a priest. The kerfuffle died down eventually and now it’s a non-issue.</p>
<p>Okay, I would be uncomfortable if my kids ended up with a religion that didn’t believe in science. :)</p>
<p>tom1944, my brother joined the Episcopalian Church and there’s a lot to like about it. A great hymnal, a liberal social outlook, and lots of nice rituals. I always enjoyed attending their services.</p>
<p>If I decide to have children, I would like to introduce them to different religions, so they can decide for themselves what they believe. Personally, I don’t really like the idea of tradition (in any area of life) that’s imposed on a person simply because they are born in a specific culture/religion/family. Independence and non-conformity are some of the traits I admire most in people.</p>
<p>Personally, some of my values align with some major religions (which is why sometimes people mistake me as being vey religious or following a particular religious belief), but in reality, while I do believe in God, I don’t really subscribe to organized religion.</p>
<p>Overall, I just don’t think something as personal as religion should be imposed on a person by parents or family or even society.</p>
<p>
This is, of course, a very common view these days. It is not really a natural view, however, for people who strongly believe that their own religion is the truth–especially if that also means that they believe other religions are untrue. So, the more strongly you believe your religion to be the truth, the more upset you are likely to be if your kids decide not to follow it. (Based on what others have said above, I guess if you follow a religion that doesn’t make very strong truth claims, you might also be upset if your kids join a religion that does so.)</p>
<p>The bottom line is that we all have to do the best we can with this.</p>
<p>I have pretty strong beliefs in general (not necessarily talking about just religion) - I wouldn’t, for example, pick a spouse who had very different beliefs from me, even though I respect the person’s right to have those beliefs. I am definitely not one of the people who thinks everything is relative and there is no right and wrong. However, choice and independence trump these issues in my mind. Thinking for yourself and being non-conformist are values I would want to instill in another human being, even if it would be painful to see them make choices I don’t agree with.</p>
<p>OP, you ask “how would you face this?” </p>
<p>My response is that you can substitute other situations in life for “religion” and be in the same spot in a family situation. Examples:
- sexuality
- a couple choosing to live together without marriage
- a relationship with someone of a different race
- choosing to not attend college and work an unskilled job.</p>
<p>And on and on. All these things are things that “families” stress about. That were perhaps not the “parent” or “family” plan sketched on the imaginary paper for your child. But as those wings spread, these “outside of the family norm” things happen. MOST times they do not change the child/young adult themselves! Just a part of their lifestyle. You can help set the family tone by displaying your support for your child’s exploration. Family outside of your house - they may agree or disagree, but you know, we can’t live our lives to suit everyone. </p>
<p>Someone mentioned the “moral compass” above. I suppose that compass is different for all families. Some families will see choosing another religion, choosing an alternative relationship style, etc. as outside of the “moral compass” - because that is not the blueprint sketchy on the imaginary paper. Sometimes we have to scratch the plan. Make new plans. Allow for alternative blueprints. </p>
<p>In my observation, many children not raised in a specific faith tradition, or exposed to many faiths a la carte by well-meaning tolerant parents, just end up adopting the values of the secular mainstream they happen to live in without much examination or resistance. They aren’t particularly independent or non-conformist. In order to rebel, you have to have something to rebel against. “Going with the flow” is the default mode of most people, religious or not.</p>
<p>I think independent thinking, like everything else, has to be taught, emphacized, and most importantly taught by example. If the parents are the “going with the flow” type, then the kids will probably be as well. I am all for teaching values.</p>
<p>I would just point out that it’s too much to expect parents to happily accept the spreading of wings, if they think that it means eternal damnation for their child. For those with strong beliefs, it is a very big deal, bigger than choosing whether to go to college or not. Still, there is really no way to deal with it other than just deal with it. Perhaps the family members choosing to deviate from the family religion might want to think about how to reduce the pain felt by the other family members.</p>
<p>At a certain point, every adult has to own their faith (or lack of it). While I hope my children continue to be practicing Christians, I know that this is ultimately their decision, not mine. However, I’d be pretty upset if they felt they needed to keep their explorations of other religions a secret. While religion is personal, it should not be private, and I suspect we’d have a lot less religious hatred if rational people talked about their faith or atheism more openly. The way things are now, it seems that only the fundamentalists and anti-religionists are doing most of the talking. Everyone else seems afraid of giving offense, and that’s a shame. </p>
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<p>It seems as if the D has had no problems discussing this with her dad, which is a good thing. It’s other family members that the D perceives as not being able to take the news as well. Every family is different; in some families, it might be the parents who are not willing to have this dialogue, while extended family members may be fine with it. </p>
<p>Again, I ask, how old is this D? Whether she’s 13 or 23 or 33, makes a difference in how other family members might react and what decision she makes on whether to tell them or not.</p>
<p>I think sometimes it’s better to not tell Grandma everything.</p>
<p>^My parents still don’t know that we drink alcohol (gasp). I love them dearly, and there’s no need to rock the boat.</p>
<p>Given the dynamic described, it sounds as though “telling Grandma” right now would imply that Grandma has a right to know or needs to approve or weigh in on the situation somehow. Therefore, I think it’s best that it just stay private - not because it’s shameful or bad - but almost from the perspective of “this wasn’t anything I needed to run by you anyway, Grandma.” If it “needs” to come out (like with an eventual wedding), it can come out then. </p>
<p>I agree with @Pizzagirl that it’s private, not “secret.” And from what the OP posted, it sounds like the daughter not only doesn’t want to get into an argument with her grandmother, but she wants to protect her mother from her grandmother’s ire. No need to make an announcement, imho.</p>
<p>Many college age kids drift away from their childhood faith only to rediscover it when life smacks them in the backside. Face it, most of us were not nearly as smart or wise at 18 as we thought we were. </p>
<p>In the end, you cannot force anyone to believe anything. She will have to find her own way eventually.</p>
<p>I would also not make a big deal about it to relatives. No need to announce what is essentially a personal journey.</p>
<p>OP, your D might also want to check out the UCC, as a Christian denomination that is very progressive in its views and yet has more traditionally ritualistic worship forms than the Friends. In New England, UCC churches were predominantly Congregational at one time. The UCC has female and gay ministers, and so forth.</p>