Growing up, it was the norm in my area to bring casseroles, desserts, etc to a newly bereaved household, but now, I’m wondering if this practice on the way out? I’m thinking in particular of an acquaintance who after her mother’s funeral mentioned throwing out “all that pasta” that was delivered by well-wishers. With all the allergies and sensitivities these days, e.g. no gluten, no dairy, etc, etc., I hesitate to bring food unless I know the person and family and their dietary habits well. And personally, I’ve generally preferred managing my own meals even during crisis or tragic times. I’m not sure what is appropriate or appreciated or expected any more - anyone have any thoughts?
I grew up with the same tradition and continued it for years, but only with those I knew well enough to have shared meals (so I knew their restrictions and preferences.) While I never mentioned it to anyone, I’ve thrown out food that people brought/sent to us at various times but always felt guilty about it. Bringing/sending food can too often make work for the recipient. I’d only do it now if the family asked friends to contribute to a potluck supper/wake.
These days, I prefer to make a donation to a charity in honor/memory of the person. If the person or family has named their favored charities, I donate to one of them. If not, I choose one that seems to best fit the situation.
I know my sister has really appreciated all of the food brought to her after the death of her 20-year-old son. The 21st-century way of doing this is to put a calendar online, and ask people to fill in the day(s) they will bring food over. My sister’s friends are arranging meals for about 2 1/2 months. It’s a lifesaver! She has two teenagers who need to eat well, and figuring out their meals is something she doesn’t need to worry about now.
MTA: @Youdon’tsay was a big part of setting this up for my sister! It’s a small world. 
When my FIL passed away, we hosted the shiva. It lasted several days and I always had a spread of food out when people would come over. Of course, I’d picked up quite a lot of food for this, but still I was so appreciative of any food that people brought. It was all set out and very little went to waste. The homemade items were especially appreciated (even if I didn’t eat them) because they reflected so much extra care.
Any charitable donations were graciously received, but they didn’t help me the week I was feeding a large crowd during the shiva. I did appreciate the food.
Put me down for ‘it’s a lovely tradition’.
If in doubt, a gift card for a local place THAT DELiVERS might be a good alternative, especially if you have an idea of the type of food the family likes.
I think if you are going to a shiva or wake bringing food makes sense, but otherwise I think it’s better to ask. I know there’s never any space in our freezer for extra food, and my kids were such picky eaters, and dh so anti-carb that there’s lots that would just get tossed if we were in that position.
A friend of my sister’s offered to label, catalog, and store any extra food in her fridge/freezer, then my sister could call and ask her to bring things over as needed.
My favorite was folks who helped with the service or the reception. That was both gracious and spared us. You could take the right sort of foods threre. We ended up with so many food dishes brought to the home, more than anyone could eat in a month. Many were unusual and only one was labelled.
And sometimes what you do in the following weeks or months is even more needed, whether it’s delivering a meal, an invite or a call. Stay in touch.
I think the big food rush was when families were much larger, meals took longer to prepare, or more relatives stayed longer.
When my mom passed this summer I’m pretty sure we would have starved if not for kind neighbors bringing over food.
It was a HUGE relief to have dinner already done. They brought full meals from Olive Garden, sandwiches from Jimmy Johns and a variety of snacks. Believe me, it was VERY appreciated. We have a small family so it relieved a lot of stress for us since fixing meals wasn’t on anybody’s radar at the time.
My dad is elderly (nothing to cook) and sis and I were out of town–it would have meant grocery shopping, fixing food in a different kitchen or going out to eat (which would have been more than a pain at the time).
If someone had asked–we would have said no, but wanting to say yes. Asking us what we’d like would equally be bad–our brains were already dead from stress and decision making.
One of the churches in my hometown always brings the bereaved a shopping bag full of paper goods - towels, napkins, plates, as well as plastic utensils, cups, trash bags and even toilet paper. It is so nice not to have to worry about those little things when you have a house full of guests.
Other things that are nice to have are coffee and creamers, fresh fruit, soft drinks, gallons of iced tea.
For folks who do bring food, please use containers that don’t have to be returned, preferably disposables, so the recpiients don’t have to figure out which container needs to be returned to whom. It adds more burden for them to have to keep track of dishes (some labels can come off after washing or freezing/thawing).
Something else my sister appreciated: Friends showing up on her doorstep and telling her they had time to help NOW - what could they do? People vacuumed, did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, etc. Saying, “Let me know if you need help,” at the funeral is kind, but not really helpful. Actually showing up to help immediately IS.
Don’t forget that the family needs someone to stay at their house during the funeral, visitation, etc. since thieves will target people they find listed in obituaries.
We did end up tossing about half of the food given to my mom on the occasion of a family member’s death (although the half we did eat was appreciated). Then someone insisted on making us a meal and gave us some menu choices - that was nice. We mostly threw out pies, not home made. Too many pies for some reason. I would have liked a good lasagna.
When an IL died, people brought convenience foods - we had too many deli trays and deviled eggs. Seems like everyone had the same idea and we all got tired of cold cuts every meal for days but none of us had time to go to the supermarket to buy food and to cook for the huge bunch staying in the house from out of town and the immediate family in the area. One family brought a bakery box of muffins and breakfast items and we devoured them pretty quickly. Because of that experience, I try to take something the family could use for breakfast.
When one of my family members died, there were fewer people there to eat (than the situation I described above) and we were given too much food for the refrigerator and there were none in town to rent (we tried). Again, we could have used breakfast items. We threw a lot of food away. After that experience, my preference is to take breakfast items that do not have to be refrigerated and/or buy a gift card that can be used after the meal train has fizzled out. We, too, were given paper goods. The two boxes of paper goods were put to good use and no one had to wash dishes.
One thing that someone did when my FIL died was to bring a cooler of all kinds of drinks. We could just keep it on the back deck or on the front porch so it didn’t take up room in a crowded house.
Guess that’s one difference–we didn’t have a crowded house. It was just the three of us pretty much. Nobody to lean on except neighbors so they really did have a big impact.
A friend of mine has a young son undergoing cancer treatments. Someone set up a calendar to sign up for meals but there was also a link to order a dinner to be delivered. They mentioned their dietary restrictions.
After my dad died we were grateful for all the trays. One thing we all appreciated was an edible arrangement, there were a lot of us and it was a nice break from casseroles and heavy food.
If you know the family, you might also consider beer or wine or whatever you know them to drink.
One of my happy memories of the week after my father died in Tennessee was the constant parade of “food ladies” (as my midwestern husband and BIL called them) who came by with desserts, casseroles, breads, paper goods, wine, you name it. DH and BIL kept hoping for a chocolate cake every time the doorbell rang, but we never got one. It’s now my go-to dish.
In all the years we’ve had the death of a loved one and all the services we’ve attended for others, I can’t recall any food brigades. I guess it must be a regional thing and not common in HI, or at least not in my circles.
That’s interest, HImom. I’ve seen it in Texas and Maine.