Guess not too many got the onion n fish curry or other foods that have to be eaten right away. And we were also 3, no neighbors dropping in. So I guess do what feels right. But remember the grief goes on. Please stay in touch.
We really appreciated it when my brother died unexpectedly. Bringing something that could be frozen is good, though. And in my parents’ neck of the woods, EVERYONE brought ham. Some side dishes to go with ham would have been great. 
When my MIL died we flew in. I very much appreciated friends of theirs who brought casseroles, because I was the only one really capable of getting a meal together in the house–my FIL was helpless, before we left I had to teach him how to do laundry–and I had a baby to take care of in addition. I had to try to chivvy my BIL into vacuuming, that kind of thing. One family friend in particular was helpful in calling people for me and the like. She was one of those highly capable and organized clubwomen. Above rubies.
what @lookingforward said about staying in touch reminded me of something. Our pastor and his wife lost their third child, a full term daughter, at birth 3½ years ago. She is still grieving. She said recently what kept her sane was a monthly card someone from the church sent every month for the first two years or so. The sender is now ill herself and no longer sending cards, but it helped the mother knowing that someone was remembering her grief long after it seemed that others forgot.
Are you a Jew? I thought this was strictly a Jewish thing.
We’ve never done it in our family.
I never thought of bringing food as a Jewish thing - it’s more of a compassion thing (even if the food winds up being tossed, there’s still a lot of sympathy and good will behind the effort.)
I’ve brought casseroles (usually lasagna in disposable pans) to bereaved families here in Michigan. When my grandparents died in NC, we got several peach cobblers. I wish people brought more desserts!
Another thing I’ve done is give gift cards for places that deliver - just something for variety if the recipient tires of pasta or cold cuts.
@intparent comment about ham was funny. When dad had stroke it was pork roast. Thankfully it freezes well. Mom and I joked that it most have been on sale! I live in the south. Not only does food show up but thankfully the wonderful women who organize the who and when. I have to eat gluten free so it does make me lean toward things that aren’t casserole like ham so that easy for people to know what’s in it.
There are all kinds of online sign-ups that work well for this.
We’re in Southern California and its just a “given” that everyone asks, “Where are we signing up for meals/chores? or Dónde firmamos para ayudar?”
https://www.volunteerspot.com
http://www.signupgenius.com/family/
https://www.takethemameal.com
We have a classmate in Hawaii who couldn’t participate locally, so she ordered dinner online and had it delivered.
When H’s mom, dad and sister died (over a period of time), we never received any gifts of food, nor to my knowledge did any of our other relatives. The caterer was the only one who supplied food, but that for her memorial service and she didn’t want to be paid (but we paid her anyway). Similarly, when my parents had loved ones die, no one brought food. When my friend’s H died, I don’t believe she got any food either. I guess things are jsut different in different places.
My sister said that one thing that helps her is when people send her texts, such as, “Thinking of you!” I’m not a big texter, but I’m trying to remember to do that a couple of times a day. It’s been seven weeks. Seems like yesterday, it still hurts so much.
I like the on-line sign up idea to help prevent too much food arriving at at once. I know that if I received lots of perishable food at once, most of it would go to waste just because of inadequate fridge space.
There were “food ladies” at my grandparent’s church in Colorado. Part of their service was to bring a spare fridge and chest freezer to the home of the bereaved. It was extremely helpful to have the extra space.
@MaineLonghorn, I’m thinking of you and your family now. I can only imagine the grief of losing a child. My nephew briefly was under the cloud of a misdiagnosis of cancer this spring, and my sister said that if he died, she wouldn’t want to go on living. I’d feel that way, too, if it were one of my children or another close relative
@rosered55, thank you. My nephew’s out-of-state university held a memorial service for him last night. My sister’s immediate family flew across the country to attend it. My nephew was in the jazz band, and they played several pieces. The service was live streamed, so I got to watch it. They showed family photos on a large screen. When they showed one of my sister and her son, both of them beaming, it was almost too much to bear.
From the South here and food is very much a part of the support process for grieving family and friends. In fact, part of the services provided by the local funeral home we used for my mother is the delivery of a bbq pork shoulder to serve as the beginnings of your post-funeral meal. I agree with the mentions of breakfast foods being appreciated to supplement the casseroles, cakes, & pies. Love the idea about the paper goods - that’s one I hadn’t heard about before.
We are not Jewish - I think of it as a “human” thing to do. Someone who has just lost a loved one isn’t usually feeling up to grocery shopping or cooking. Sometimes there are out of town family arriving, too. They are already wrestling with planning a funeral service, writing an obituary, contacting people who need to be informed, and sometimes dealing with issues like filing a will or securing property of the deceased. It is a small favor to try to do something to make their lives easier.
I’ve ordered Meals a few times, but always ask which night. I was devastated when my mom died suddenly, and was thankful for all the friends who sent meals to be served at Shiva. Probably too many deli trays, but I couldn’t eat, and was glad guests had food.
Here in Texas someone often steps up to be in charge of meals for a few days and organizes when people will bring food. It sometimes happens online.
I am grateful for the tradition. Even when I have had to throw food out, it feels good to be remembered.
An overseas relative died and we got no food at that house. I had to go out and buy supplies every day and it was a pain. I had to get up and out early, before people came over, and then hold some food back for the immediate family at the end of the day.
I’m so sorry for you, lizardly. The last thing I would have wanted to think about was food.
(Did I mention I dropped to 85# after my mom died, and dad had a stroke sitting by her side in ICU?).
I’ve given food for close friends who had a family member pass away and for a couple of good friends going through chemo. I really appreciated one friend that had the on-line food registration - it was set up through a FB account and detailed food needs. We were to leave food in disposable containers in a cooler on the porch so that if the friend was not home or not feeling well, she could get it when she could and wouldn’t feel she had to talk if she didn’t want to. Most of us texted on our way over so if she was there she could pop out and talk if she wanted to. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to give food. After my Dad passed away (in another state) our friends asked if they could bring something over, but I liked to cook- it took my mind off my grief and there was not really many people to cook for anyway.
Thanks for all your replies - I’m getting a new picture and perspective. I feel that I can approach this situation with new eyes next time I’m faced with the situation - factors I had never before considered.
@MaineLonghorn, I am so sincerely sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what your sister is going through - every parent-of-young-adult’s nightmare. How thoughtful of her friends for the support she is receiving - her situation is definitely one where I could not continue much beyond putting one foot forward, one at a time. That help would keep the rest of the family going when I couldn’t be there for them.