I try to take homemade chicken noodle or chicken vegetable soup to the home of the recently bereaved or to friends who have had surgery. I took soup to a dear older lady in my church choir whose husband died suddenly, and on the same day I took some to another choir member whose wife was undergoing chemotherapy. I just called each one and said, “I have homemade soup packed up for you. May I bring it over now?” Both friends appreciated it. I used disposable containers. I think people in the midst of a crisis often have upset stomachs or feel they can’t eat anything, but they do need to eat, so homemade soup is now my comfort food of choice to deliver.
10 Years ago (wow!) D had a friend from HS --they were then in college–and his father had a brain tumor. I had met his dad just one time and we argued! about colleges!. Never had met the mother.
D’s best GF friend’s mom (we were friends) and I (and my 8th grade son) took one night a week and delivered a meal or more in a cooler left on their side walkway. We would pick our own cooler up as we left another each week. We did this for 1.5 years. Went into it thinking that it would be but a few months. Did take time off as needed, but not often.
It was quite a bit of $$ in the end. But never regreted it at all. Sorta of surprised that we did it over and over. It was a 45 minute drive one way to boot.
They are still in our lives and now friends with the mom and the “boy” is one of my favorite friends in this world.
S was 14 and 15 and never complained at all about this 1.5 hour drive after a long school day.
We visited the man in Hospice and attended the services. It was a very good life experience for both of us.
We never asked! We just let them know that the food would be there.
In my parents’ southern town, there is a fried chicken chain called Wife Saver (seriously). They seem to do a hefty business in funeral food – when my nephew and my mom passed away, we got LOTS of chicken, mashed potatoes and sweet tea.
We’re Jewish and food is a thing – but one should check with the family to see if food items need to be kosher.
When I had the heart attack, folks wanted to bring by food, but DH declined. The guys are all picky eaters (in different ways) and most of the time, they were at the hospital anyway. When I came home, a couple friends brought heart-healthy food for me since DH was back at work, S1 was in the UK, and S2 was in Russia. My youngest sister and niece came out to help me for three weeks, and she was really good about making stuff I could eat.
Yes, specificity when offering to help is worlds better than the generic “Let me know if I can do anything.” However, as an introvert, I don’t know that I’d want people just showing up. A really great thing for me would have been if someone took it upon themselves to consult with me about organizing a chore chart, and recruit volunteers.
MaineLonghorn, Sorry for your loss.
I love the idea of the paper goods, they never go bad. I am in the Boston area and RC, food has always been delivered by friends and neighbors after a death. I am more apt to help with the wake or gathering after the funeral, than drop off food, or I leave a GC for a local place that delivers.
I am in NoVA and people bring food when something happens.
I did learn years ago that a lot of people bring pasta or desserts. It is nice to bring a meat dish.
A lot of people brought a two-liter soda pop or two with every food gift. We had soda pop for months.
I’d have to give a party. We don’t drink soda.
Yeah, it lasted a long time. We don’t drink much soda, either.
I honestly would feel that if I am close enough to the family to bring them food, I am close enough to them to ask what they need.
And they would be close enough to me to ask for what they need, and not demure.
An example I’ve heard of is offering to buy a take-out dinner, like from Boston Market or more upscale, and bring it over or have it delivered.
It does depend on who is bereaved of who, and how close you are, and if they have kids or are on a special diet.
There are clear cases where money or gift cards would be more appreciated, like when the breadwinner passes.
My friend was in the hospital for six weeks, with three young children, and she did end up asking people to bring covered dishes to her home for her husband and kids, once they offered, on sort of a schedule. It wasn’t every day, but it helped, and they could say what they were bringing so she could override it if she knew her family wouldn’t eat it.
I am in the South and food is a big deal in times of need. Though I am Jewish, it seems to be pretty universal down here. We do meals for the ill, the new babies and when someone dies.
One thought is that most people make large meals and for most families, meals aren’t necessary for everyday. When my very good friend died, we set up a calendar and did meals three times a week – figuring that with leftovers and meals out, that would be plenty. The best calendars allow folks to indicate what they are bringing so that everyone cal try and provide some variety. We put a cooler outside so that no one had to be home to get the meal.
My neighborhood does meals for families with new babies. The Womens Club provides the first meal and then we sign up to bring meals.
In Atlanta, there is a really creative business, called Instead of Flowers. You can send a meal (instead of flowers) to a family in need. There is the option to actually order a meal and have it delivered or simply send a gift certificate. The food is good. http://www.insteadofflowers.com/
There is a really great/funny book about Southern funerals. I highly recommend it. “Being Dead is No excuse, The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral”
I’m just saying, remember that when the meals are eaten, or frozen, or thrown away, those people still need you. Occasional contact is kind. You can send a note a few months later, just saying, thinking of you. You can invite someone to lunch. There’s a flurry of activity after a death and then, often, nothing. Grieving- or needing some help- doesn’t end so quickly.
In addition to having gone through loss, I vol for a hospice. I speak with people a few months out and they say, yes, everyone was around; now, not so much.
This will probably sound kind of silly, but when my neighbor was dying last fall, I raked the leaves off her driveway almost every day. I could see that no one else was doing it and doing so made for a neater pathway to the house and resulted in less work for someone else eventually.
A teacher at my kid’s school had an 8 year old undergoing chemo for cancer. He blog posted about how he cried when he realized his neighbors had snow blown his driveway one day for him. @rosered55, good for you!
Thanks, @intparent. It was easy for me to do and as a next-door neighbor, a thing that I could easily see wasn’t being done.
My mom died a couple weeks ago after a lengthy illness. Many people were calling my dad’s house to ask what he needed–my sister was answering the phone and telling dad, “It’s the Smiths, and they want to know what they can bring. . .” At one point my dad yelled out “NO MORE FOOD!” (There wasn’t all that much food, but people know we have a big family, with many coming from out of town, so they wanted to help. My sibs–God bless them–are super efficient/practical/organized and could’ve taken care of everything without the donations, but it was nice to have some extras, and very little was wasted.) My brother was killed in an accident earlier this year and his family was overwhelmed by outpouring of care from their entire small town. 10 weeks of scheduled meals (3per week), many gift cards for groceries/local restaurants, people dropped off stuff like laundry detergent, toilet paper. Someone paid their homeowners insurance for the year. Someone paid their kids’ school fees/supplies, etc.
I think paper products are a great idea. Restaurant gift cards would be nice, too. But even a card with or without gift to designated charity is fine. (My mom requested charitable donations in lieu of flowers, but still received many floral arrangements.)
If there is a chore that could be done like mowing the lawn, raking leaves, chopping wood, shoveling snow, etc. that would be a nice gift. Especially important not to forget about the bereaved after a couple months. A phone call or gift card or offer of help months later would be appreciated even more.
I’m so thankful my parents planned their funerals years ago. There was little left to do, so mom’s funeral went very smoothly. However, it was still a bit stressful working out the last details–writing obituary, photos/music for slide show, verse for funeral card, readings/songs for mass, mom’s outfit, etc. If there is anything you can do to make the process easier for your family, write it down now-- otherwise everyone will be wondering about your preferences, and, in the case of a “large committee” like my family, arguing over the little things. Is there something you DON’T want? (Like one family member randomly deciding to give a eulogy that is not appropriate to the faith of the deceased/rest of the family? One of my sibs did this and it was cringe-worthy. Just. No. I told my kids there will be no surprises at my funeral–“ABC is what I want, and don’t invite uncle X unless he promises to keep quiet!”)
This probably doesn’t come up for many people, but @atomom’s comment above made me think of it. I do freelance editing, and when the husband of a client died a few weeks ago and I offered sympathy and assistance (although we’re several states apart), the client asked if I would edit the obituary she had written. I did so.
One thing I did for my sister was to help her write thank-you notes for the avalanche of flowers they received. The funeral home provided pre-printed thank-you cards, so it wasn’t too hard. We knocked them out in about a day.
Reading the comments about remembering the grieving family months after the funeral and no one else is visiting reminded me of something my daughter did for a neighbor when his wife (they’d been married over 50 years) died suddenly. We didn’t know this neighbor all that well. She was a very young teen and somehow she felt his pain and wanted to do something.
So, without telling anyone, she began going to his house early in the morning and leaving three items: a piece of candy, a flower (or something green if there were no flowers in my garden at the time) and a scripture verse that she’d selected and wrote out on paper. We had no idea she was doing this. A few weeks in to this, the neighbor came by and told us that he’d solved the mystery. Turned out she was cutting roses from the rose bush in my front garden bed and he recognized the flower. So, he knew that one of my kids was likely doing this. My daughter was a bit miffed at being found out, but she decided to continue to do this for an entire year. Oh my goodness, did this bless his heart. She is his favorite person in the world and will tell anyone who’ll listen about her. It was a pretty unusual thing to do, but it really ministered to him.
rosered–That’s a nice service you provided. So many obituaries are poorly written/unedited. People forget that this is a permanent record. (Wording of obit was the one item that got a couple of my sibs yelling at each other. . .) It is hard to sum up a person’s life in a couple short paragraphs.