I used to say that I would not dare die without a freezer full of hors d’oeuvres. (Since I made the food for my own wedding, why not my memorial service?)
A good friend recently told me that she had planned hers, and specified the type and quality of food she wanted. (Evidently not trusting her sons to make good decisions on that front. ) I gather it is all written down with her living will.
Beautiful, bookreader. And kudos to rosered and others who do something.
People ARE kind! My younger nephew has really been struggling after the death of his big brother. With some reluctance, he agreed to see a counselor. To everyone’s surprise, he liked the woman so much he wanted to see her twice in one week! When my sister booked the second appointment, the counselor handed her a folded-up note that read, “There will be NO CHARGE for the second appointment.” Really, small gestures like that mean a lot.
The cooler on the porch idea is popular here, too.
I love all the ideas of small, anonymous things people can do, the raking leaves and shoveling driveways.
Bookreader: I loved the story of your daughter delivery the candy, flower, and scripture verse to your bereaved neighbor every day for a year! What a loving and wonderful heart she has. That is just such a sweet story. It made my day.
I had a death in my immediate family years ago and someone we didn’t even know from my daughter’s school gave us a little box of short Bible verses printed on cards. My daughter was just learning to read and really liked the box of verses and used them for a long while.
When my mom died, my dad needed a notary for many documents . The sweet notary said it was gratis–her gift.
It amazed me that that the kindness of strangers could mean so much.
It made me rethink my actions and how I relate to others–you never know when your small token of generosity can really be huge for the moment for someone else.
Bookreader–I love the sentiment but not everybody would appreciate it.
Sometimes you need to get over it and live on. I think it would kill my dad. Literally.
My dad is 93–over 71 years of marriage so it’s extra hard right now. We cleared major stuff out (under his orders) so it WASN’T a DAILY reminder. He cries on his own everyday by his own admission–doesn’t need extra stuff at his door.
He keeps going but has to stay SUPER positive and daily reminders of loss would be awful.
But bookreader–now that I reread your post…it truly was sweet. And probably would be appreciated. You’ve got a great D!
So back on track—yes, it’s okay to send food!
I will say…I’m in a pretty large group and tons sent sympathy cards. All of them were very appreciated but it got more depressing just to open another one…so some aren’t even opened as of now a couple months later. I can’t take it.
Question–my sis said someone said that you were supposed to acknowledge sympathy cards. I sincerely hope not.
What is the etiquette for that?
I always make the cookies shown in the picture to the left. They are unusual enough that people don’t get tired of them and see them as a real treat. For closer friends, I’ll also make a meal, but I only like to do so if I know they can use it.
Bookreader, that brought tears to my eyes. What she did was love with a capital L.
I’m also loving the stories of driveways raked, insurance paid, school supplies provided, therapy appointments covered. The recipients must have felt truly cared for.
Gouf78: you do not need to formally acknowledge sympathy cards. If you remember a particularly nice card, you might mention it to the person, but it is not expected.
I think anyone who is ill or grieving should not have to acknowledge or thank people with notes. They have enough to deal with just getting through. A dear teacher of my daughter’s from elementary school was at home ill with terminal cancer and many parents signed up to provide dinners. We took them to the school and one person delivered to a cooler at her home. The teacher did not want us to identify ourselves as the dinner donors because she felt so sad that she did not have the energy to thank each family. (This teacher had lovely manners and was a wonderful example to her class.) That changed the way I think about being thanked for good works. It’s enough just to be a cheerful giver.
I’ll add that we got meals, cards, etc. when I was in the hospital and my guys were so attuned to being there for me that they didn’t always keep track of who did what. It’s been three years and I still am learning of people who came by the hospital when I was in the coma, and finding cards, etc. If you don’t get a thank you card, please don’t be miffed. Family members are just trying to get through one day at a time.
Our thank you to our synagogue for their support was to sponsor free CPR/AED training for anyone who was interested, and a contribution towards getting an AED installed in the building.
I’ve seen the meal signups get entangled with too many people wanting to contribute. It’s a nice thought to do something for the family after the immediate period as well…lots of people forget that grief continues well beyond the first few days.
The flowers & scripture verse is a lovely idea…assuming the recipient shares your religious belief. Even if that’s not the case, it would be nice to think that it was appreciated, but I can imagine a scenario where the person felt (for lack of a better term) assaulted.
One of the things my family really treasured (and which I’ve tried to carry on) were sympathy letters that were personal and which shared something about the individual that the family may not have known - a personal interaction, an anecdote, or just a sharing of emotion that was unique to the person. It also has the benefit of making the writer cope better with the loss!
One thing that touched me was that after my dad died, a patient of mine left Italian delicacies at my house. I never knew she and her hubby came, nor that they looked up where I lived, but they came, left a platter of sandwiches with a friend answering the door, and took off. Another patient sent a glorious flower arrangement. A doctor whom I knew saw the name in obituary, and sent a lovely gift. I was touched by these unexpected gestures. Close friends called and made arrangements, but there were many unexpected kindnesses.
I’ve thought about this thread the last couple of days. A friend’s mom is home but in hospice care. When she sent a note yesterday, instead of saying “let me know if I can help,” I said “how about if I bring bagels and muffins tomorrow morning.” She said the food wasn’t necessary, but if I brought it she was sure it would get eaten. When I showed up this morning, I didn’t really plan to stay, but they invited me in, and my friend’s dad started telling me stories about his wife. They have been married 68 years, and I felt very special to get to hear about them. He seemed talked out after about 45 minutes, and at that point I suggested I’d better get going. So I think dropping the food off was helpful in more ways than one.
A bit of levity, especially hitting the spot for anyone who’s been on the receiving end of shivah food
I liked the suggestion of paper products. Another nice thing would be beverages like a basket of coffee tea hot chocolate or even a case of water. They’ll last and I think every wants to be able to offer the guests a drink.
When I took food today, I also brought Orange juice and paper plates. Both were being used before I left. It’s kind of sad to admit that I’ve learned from several people dying within the last year.