@katliamom, yes, there are a lot of activities she could pursue on her own–teaching herself various subjects, training up horses and working at her barn, taking a couple of courses at our local college (like Russian or a science course). Again, the major issue is that she would be away from most of her peers, besides those who decided to stay at the local college and then she’d visit with them only on occasion, in their dorms. She’d feel awkward about living at home, being still a “child” visiting friends who were allowed to live on their own. The question is–where would she be socially best off? Yes, yes, @roycroftmom, we don’t want her to go off to college at 16. But we don’t want her to feel socially isolated either. Would it really be better to tell her she needs to stay at home, spend her time on working, learning, or traveling (not by herself, then with whom?), and just wait for a year? Our local Rotary clubs do not fund any exchange programs with high schools abroad but furthermore what exactly would she study at a high school abroad in another language? All the regular subjects in which she is so advanced? In a foreign language? That seems not very workable. The crucial question for me to all of this is–what would be the least damaging psychically and least dangerous physically? And should I take into account what she wants? What I plan to do is let her apply for NSLI-Y, to take a couple of courses at our local university (e.g., in Russian) for a year while letting her work at her barn where she knows and likes the people training horses. At the same time, I’m going to allow her to apply to a range of colleges of her choice, reach, middle, and safety, and see what happens with those. @yucca10 and others, I appreciate the feedback that Moldova is not a great place to be but if she’s in language courses all day, could it work? And, if she says she feels ready to go and wants to go to a particular school, given that she is emotionally and intellectually mature, would it be right for me and my wife to tell her she can’t for a year? Yes, some young students drop out, especially at large state schools where they get lost or high-pressure schools. But some, as various people have said above, do very well, flourish. If only she hadn’t been promoted… We were just so tired with her being teased and bullied by her classmates for her intellectual ability, the administration’s refusal to modify any curricula for her, the lack of viable private schools (except those that would require her to live far away from home starting at 12 and where she would face similar condescension and other social negatives as people on this thread are worried she will face in college). She wanted to be promoted the first time, in third grade, because even her teacher was bullying her and wouldn’t grade her modified or extra work, because it wasn’t part of her “job”. The principal was going to have some strained arrangement where the gifted coordinator would take on some of her third-grade teacher’s job but the teacher was mean. We had fought to get her moved to another classroom but that would have left her in the same situation–teasing and bullying, people trying to steal her answers to work, the work itself boring and mindless for her, the days long and tiring. She did face social pressures in being promoted to fourth but life was miserable in middle school, for similar reasons. Teachers were mean and rude, the administration acted helpless, and the best option seemed to be at least serve her intellectual needs as best we could. She began to find some interesting, challenging classes in high school but the social pressures of being the young one were still there, she still hates it, and is delighted when people forget her age. Yet to leave her floating, on pause in the world without taking her own wants and desires into account seems also somewhat cruel. The basic problem is our factory-style educational system just doesn’t care to deal with those with asychronous intellectual development. Her school career has largely been miserable. At least she had us, but I can say, for those who worry about her dropping out of college, she definitely would have dropped out of middle school if she could have.
OP, if you could break your posts into paragraphs, it would help a lot. It’s really hard to read a wall of text.
You have a lot to think about. As to your initial question, Dartmouth v Williams. I went to a LAC and my kids to a midsized university. There is a ton more structure and support at the smaller LACs, more advising, more close dorm atmospheres, smaller classes, more contact with professors. I would lean heavily towards an LAC for a younger student. I went to Wellesley at 17 and can totally understand why you were debating a women’s college for her, but I think an LAC will provide the best parts of that experience without the necessity of having to go off campus for social events (we went to parties at MIT, Harvard, Babson, etc every weekend).
My oldest visited Williams on a sports recruiting trip. She mostly loved it. It is a very athlete-scholar type school and with no greek life the sports teams seem to fill that void. A lot of alcohol, but also a lot of camaraderie. I have friends with kids at Dartmouth. They are involved with greek life. I’m not a fan - but I know Dartmouth has been looking hard at its frat system so I hate to write off the school for that, but I wouldn’t send my D of any age near those frats. Sorry to anyone whose kids are there and love it. I know that’s a major over generalization but alcohol parties and frats have a bad track record at every school.
An LAC is a great choice for your D. She can go to graduate school at a big U to get that experience when she is ready.
@MaineLonghorn, sorry, you’re right. I’d go back to edit it, break it up, but it’s too late. Next time. @stemmmm, thanks for the feedback. I was counseled by others that the size of a college wouldn’t matter, that she’d have problems anywhere she went, that a smaller college would just be more constricting socially, with everyone knowing her business (and age) before too long. But I thought, as you wrote, that there would be compensations–more contact with professors, more advising, closer knit student community, etc. Our daughter would love being part of a team (even though their equestrian team is very small), would love the stimulating classes, with ample professorial attention. Did you have any trouble with being 17? From your experience, do you think an emotionally mature girl of 16.5 (17 in January) would be able to pass at a small LAC, at Williams? (Naturally, Williams is only symbolic of a certain kind of college. She’ll need to apply to many places.)
Ok, OP, that she was promoted grades earlier was a critical missing piece. This is less of an issue.
They’ll review her for, in part, evidence of sufficient maturity, perspective, the sorts of challenges she took on that “show” these, as well as other qualities. (Same as all applicants.) These will include how she engages in peer activities at school (and which,) in the community (service and/or related to her possible major,) and what comes across in her writing. It’s not about passions, hobbies, family, as much as the on-campus community they want. Eg, empathy for others is good, but does this manifest in relevant activities.
My reaction to your questions was based on your search for fit, the need to view it both for the child and see it from the college’s perspective. If she’s got other ECs with responsibilities, including in the community (not meaning the barn or home,) great. But you initially implied riding and studies limited other efforts.
Just understand there’s more to this than the interviewer perspective. Adcoms will run through tens of thousands of apps, looking for match as they define it. As she’s a junior, you both have time to fine tune.
I do understand you’re looking for what fits right now. Just remember the other side.
Have you researched Bard College at Simon’s Rock? It might be the perfect solution. https://m.chronogram.com/hudsonvalley/a-nontraditional-college-for-the-early-achiever/Content?oid=2129413
A suggestion, OP. I understand the situation is that she likely will have to enroll,and frankly, these schools are more similar, in terms of safety and support, than they are different. Perhaps you should focus, rather than on the school, on doing everything you can in the next year to ensure your daughter is as mature as she can possibly be for any of these schools. have her go to the doctor/dentist alone (you will need to sign a consent to treat form). get her to drive, well,and early if possible. make sure she is adept at using her debit card, credit card, checks. have her travel alone if possible, and even better if she can make the travel arrangements herself. in short, accelerate everything she would have otherwise acquired in two extra years of life,
@roycroftmom, thank you, for all of your posts. Thank you to everyone on this forum! It has been very lonely for many years to try to deal with her life in school, her choices or lack thereof. I do not want her to be miserable or in harm’s way and I sense the caring, the support from all of you. She has had a credit/debit card for several years, she has an account, money that she manages, budgets, she goes to her dental appointments (dentist across the road from her high school) alone, and she will begin driving soon. (She actually has been driving our old trucks all over the farm for several years now, alone, sometimes pulling a load of hay on trailers. Good practice in the open fields.) She tried to convince us to let her apply to Yale Young Global Scholars but the program costs $6k for 3 weeks, too much for us. In short, we have worked hard to let her be independent, which is why I am reluctant to forbid her certain options, especially given her strong character and high level of emotional maturity. But we will be careful.
@prodesse, I do know about Bard College at Simon’s Rock. She does not want to go there. But thanks for the suggestion!
@bgbg4us, thank you for your kind feedback. Our daughter is physically tall and mature, frequently mistaken for a 16-17-old by her classmates, even though she’s not yet 15. I doubt she’ll be treated as a little sister, especially if she doesn’t announce her age. Whether the social complications would impact her is another question. But social complications have been her lot for years and she’s handled them with aplomb, for the most part. When she was really at a loss, we could always count on her turning to us for help. Her mother is very wise, strong, and compassionate, an exceptional mother, IMHO.
Do you have a therapist you trust who can give you his or her 2 cents on maturity, college readiness, fit, etc. Does she have siblings? Close friends? Sounds like her academic life has been nothing short of a disaster- so sorry 
@oscar63, no, we do not use/have a therapist. But any appropriate therapist would have to know both our daughter very well and the prospective colleges well. She’s our only child, so no siblings. Yes, she has close friends now, who confide in her and treat her as someone who is very mature, able to handle emotionally charged talk. From what I hear, our daughter is as mature, or much more mature, than many of them. And her home life is, unlike many of her friends, very stable. She would also have family near Williams and Dartmouth (my siblings) if she needed help, or someplace to visit for the holidays (or just weekends, if that were needed). But her parents are her greatest resource and she knows she can call on us when she needs to. But she’s very independent and strong, tough, doesn’t take any guff from others, so we’re confident she’ll be able to make her way. (Some of her friends are involved in unproductive activities and our daughter is saddened, and doesn’t participate, whether it’s pot or alcohol or Adderall or hooking up or anything else.) Yes, her academic life was very painful for us to experience. My wife and I worked very hard to mitigate the damage, to give her hope and activities that could take her mind off her woes, like riding horses. This is why I have looked and looked for places where she can both ride and be academically challenged, among other features.
I understand, fortunately, she sounds very mature. I have a genius brother, Harvard grad, still hasn’t really matured. My daughter was just accepted ED to Dartmouth and part of her interest was the small close-knit community and location. Yes, there are frats and sororities, but from friends who attend, have assured her no pressure to party. That was a concern of hers- just not interested. Good Luck, trust your gut.
Gopies, what does your daughter want?
You don’t seem to like any of the ideas we’ve floated here, finding a problem with each one. It could be that whatever you decide will be problematic in some way: if she goes to college she could experience some isolation socially, if she takes a gap year she feels out of step with her classmates, if she works/volunteers/self studies during a gap year she’s more on her own than you’d like. Each of these has a drawback. Maybe it’s time to accept that all your daughter’s options carry some element of risk.
(BTW, international exchange students study local literature, history, art and sciences, and the local school can make accommodations so the program is enriching to her. Surely there’s plenty for her to learn abroad whether or not she’s already graduated.)
If she’s in language courses all day, what’s the point of going away from home? Sounds like a recipe for misery.
I’d say let her decide. Maybe find a way to talk with some current Williams or Dartmouth students and see how she compares. From what you wrote, it seems to me she’ll be totally fine. The only thing I’d worry about may be intimate relationships.
@katliamom, please don’t take offense that I am trying to figure out the drawbacks to the ideas. I can see the positives, for certain, to going abroad, for instance. And I know she’d love working at her barn if she could also have a social life. (The barn is off in the country and doesn’t have many workers, all of whom are much older than our daughter.) I also think she’d like studying Russian at our local university, possibly, but she’d feel out of step just taking classes. So my objections are borne of her own possible frustrations. I just want to think through the options carefully. She will naturally have some role to play. It’s not that she’d be more on her own than we’d like with work/volunteer/study, it’s that she’d be more on her own than she’d like. She’d dislike being stuck in her room for most of the year, or working with people who are much older and thus would not be great to hang out with.
I’ve looked into afs.org and yfu.org, and I’m very grateful for these suggestions. She’s very interested in going to Russia and studying Russian (and being around age peers), so NSLI-Y seems the best bet for her, at least for the summer. Going to Moldova for a year seems a bit too much, for me.
What does my daughter want? Good question. I know she wishes we weren’t in this spot, but beyond that, I think she needs some more time to deliberate. She is an intense researcher and deep thinker. She’s the one who investigated NSLI-Y. I had no idea about it before she mentioned it.
As I said, I’ll use all of your great ideas and try to pose several options and see what she says. But if she feels going to college is best, we’ll remind her she’s welcome to come home if it really gets too much, after trying for a semester or year. She’s strong, so I think she’ll be fine. But I’m also willing for her to go abroad, if that’s what she wants.
@yucca10, well I was abroad in language programs for several years, studying in a German university on a junior year abroad and then Chinese after college, and I can say that, though my classes (and studying) took up much of my day, I found time to do many things with others. It’s intense, certainly, but she’ll live with a host family and develop friendships. I admit, being abroad and dependent on your incipient language abilities can be very isolating. I’ve told her that. She may decide she’d rather not. Honestly, I personally think a summer is enough to begin with. That will permit her to dip her toe in. Then she can go off to either classes and work locally or her chosen college. She’ll have choices. And these discussions are extremely helpful thinking all of this through. My objections are just my cogitating aloud. Sorry!
@yucca10, and yes, I agree, a major issue might be heartbreak. But she’s cautious now and is careful about jumping into romantic involvements. She knows men armed with social media can be very destructive. A number have no shame about making harrassing or humiliating posts, if nothing else. (And there’s much worse, I’m very aware, as is she.) Thank you for the advice about checking with Williams/Dartmouth students (assuming she gets in and wants to matriculate). I think we’ll send her to visit before she decides.
Williams for sure. The professors are much more accessible and many more are full time faculty because Williams is a LAC without a grad school. Williams has no TAs. The quality of education is stronger at Williams in my opinion. Both are great though. Have looked at both schools very thoroughly. You have time but I would visit both and see what is the best fit. I would also visit other top LACs such as Haverford, Amherst, Carleton, Bowdoin, etc.
I’m not clear on whether this is your plan for senior year of HS or the year after. Be aware that taking college courses after she graduates from HS makes her a transfer student when applying to colleges and therefore not eligible for most merit aid.
Taking college courses while she is still in HS is fine.
@Ynotgo, hm, I didn’t know that. Yet another limitation! Sigh… To answer your question, it was an idea for a gap year. Fortunately, the colleges for which we have prepared financially, and in which she is most interestd, are need-blind colleges that do not give out much merit aid anyway. But what you stated is very important to know. I think she’ll probably either want to go abroad or go to college, not stay in town and work/study while living at home. I expect she’ll apply to colleges and NSLI-Y this fall, her senior year. The spring of 2019 she’ll decide whether to go abroad to study Russian or stay in the US and go to college. We’ll take all of this year by year.