<p>I know this is crazy, but I’ve discussed it with some of my friends and we all have a very similar experiences. My d, who will be starting college in the fall, was dating a really nice young man who is already in college for about two years. They started dating when he was a senior in H.S. and she was a soph. H & I thought romance would be ended by him once he went to college, not her and she would be heartbroken and move on. To our surprise, she was the one who ended things. Totally understandable, nothing wrong with that. What surprised me was how upset I was that they were not together. The boyfriend had become a fixture in our house and it seemed weird not having him around. Has anyone else felt this way? I’m glad I won’t know about most of her romances in college.</p>
<p>Even crazier - (S has never had a serious GF). My niece dated a wonderful kid throughout 4 years of hs. He was one year ahead of her. We only saw them a few times a year, because they live several hundred miles away. But they were joined at the hip (which I thought very unwise of my brother to allow, but I digress), so he was here for Thanksgiving, Xmas/Chanukkah (he loved my latkes), summer and a few more times a year. He, too, felt like part of our family and was a key player in Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary and every other game we’d line up.</p>
<p>Niece went to same U as he, but they broke up early in first year. I can’t believe how much I miss him. They are still friends, so I did see him when we visited them last month.</p>
<p>Bottom line - knowing how I felt “once removed,” I can just imagine the weird empty spot in your household.</p>
<p>Thanks Jmmom,-Glad to hear I’m not alone.
I’m really appreciating my mom as I live through these stages of Ds life. I can tell you - I really brought home some winners - but she always kept her mouth shut.
BTW - are the latkes from scratch?</p>
<p>Nunofyurbeesknees–</p>
<p>If you’re crazy, I am too. My 15-year-old dated a sweet and adorable boy throughout ninth grade, and has now decided that he’s too clingy for her. She may be right–and at her age she is certainly wise not to tie herself down forever–but she’s stringing him along by saying they’ll still see each other “as friends,” and I find myself siding more with him than with her. I veer between hoping she’ll change her mind and hoping (well, sort of–for his sake) that he finds a girlfriend who appreciates him, but what I really need to do is detach and let her find her own way. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Do all parents side with the ex-boyfriend? Geez! There’s a reason I don’t talk to my parents about my relationships, and this is one of them. Trust me guys, he’s on his best behaviour around you, and he’s not acting that way all the time. Far from it. He’s not perfect and sweet and adorable to her. </p>
<p>(Says Aries, who has been guilt-tripped about breaking up with men who seem to be perfect gentlemen but don’t understand the word “No.”)</p>
<p>nunofyur - latkes definitely from scratch - “old family recipe” available on request. Lots of standing over the stove because they just have to be fresh off the griddle. But when an appreciative BF is sitting at the table long after others have left, still willing to eat a few more (count getting into the dozens), somehow “slaving over a hot stove” doesn’t feel bad at all. Is it any wonder I miss him?</p>
<p>Nunofyourbeesknees: I’m with you! DD had a boyfriend for Junior and senior year of highschool, and spent a lot of time at our house, or she at his house. She went on several family trips with his family, and we jokingly refered to his parents as the “in-laws”. They broke up before college, and we felt sad to lose not only our relationship with him, but with his parents. It let me know in a small way what my parents felt like when my brother divorced his well-loved wife years ago. I also lost the feeling of security I had for her: I knew she was cherished and taken care of by him, and now that was gone. So it’s okay to mourn the relationship, and it gets better with time. Now, more than a year later, DD and ex are still in contact and friendly, and I wave and chat if I see exsMom around.</p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback from both the moms and daughters.
Aries- your perspective was good to hear. We moms can get fooled sometimes.
Anxiousmom - I knew the parents from my college days - and really liked them, still do. So I know how you feel. But I think D knows what’s good for her, and that’s what is really important.<br>
This parenting stuff doesn’t get any easier as they get older, does it?</p>
<p>NofYBK - Thanks. Maybe some of it is that I’m just going through this with my dad in the past few days - literally - of a relationship I ended a while back. The usual, “He sounds like a nice guy… was he really a bad person?” stuff - which can be fine, but if I break up, I’m well beyond human tolerance for the behaviour. Sure, he’s polite, but he didn’t understand “No” in bed, told me (an engineer) that men are inherintly better at math than women, and really trashed me for wanting to study more than he did. There isn’t much of that which I’ld want to explain to parents (well, my own parents!) - esp. the sexual stuff - and I kind of wish they would sometimes realize that I’m fairly patient and level-headed, so this was the best decision for me.</p>
<p>My take - thanks for letting me rant. </p>
<p>Another note: I have an ex (whom I’m friends with) who never told his mom that we dated. His mom has always hugged me the second I walk through the door, asks about me, and keeps asking the friend if I have a boyfriend. Ex just doesn’t want the grief. So moms of sons do this too… ;)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m sure if you told your dad this, he’d come around real quick.</p>
<p>Signed,
Dad of two daughters</p>
<p>Actually, this all worries me a little bit. I’m the mother of two boys, and have no nieces (or nephews for that matter, snif) or other females in the house. Am I to expect that after the boys go off to college and get girlfriended, they’ll always be going with her on visits to <em>her</em> family, they’ll never be bringing their girlfriends to <em>our</em> house for holidays?</p>
<p>That stinks.</p>
<p>From what I have observed ancedotally with my own friends from high school is that parents of daughters are suprisingly often more comfortable with their daughters boyfriends than parents of sons are with their sons girlfriends.
I think this has changed quite a bit- but I still know parents of boys who raise their kids like it was the 50’s but then they hook up with girls who are living in 2005.
I htink just as long as you arent the sort who are overly protective of your son- you will be fine.
I do speak to my mother everyother day or so, but see her rarely. My husband sees his family rarely but that is mutual choice.
My sister sees her husbands family quite a bit- my mother is going to stay for the school year with my brother ( they have a 7 year old) across the country so it yjust really depends.
My sister in laws do see their parents much more frequently than we do ( I haven’t seen them since they surprised me by showing up at my daughters high school graduation- we did invite them- but they had never attended anything before), but their interests coincide most closely than ours and Hs parents do.
( we spend most of our free time gardening or camping, they spend their free time traveling to vegas or Disneyland- neither places that interest us much)</p>
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</p>
<p>Nope. Just offer more food and less guilt. 
When they have kids, offer to watch them - and criticize less than the in-laws.</p>
<p>It isn’t just boyfriends – I really miss a couple of my daughter’s good friends who graduated from high school last year, so of course are no longer hanging around here. I’m always very happy if I get a call from one of them, but that only happens if they can’t reach my d. on her cell phone. </p>
<p>And mootmom - it seems to me that my d. spends all her time over at her boyfriend’s house, and she has become close to the bf’s mom - daughter helps bf’s mom prepare dinner frequently & they chat a lot. My d. is very outgoing and enjoys talking to adults, so she has always had the tendency to get very friendly with the parents of her friends. So basically, if you want your sons at home, be very nice to their girlfriends.</p>
<p>My mother had a sensible rule. “He shouldn’t meet the extended family unless you plan to marry him.” She didn’t think it was a good idea to treat young teen couples like married couples.</p>
<p>We now live in a country where teenagers are encouraged to live like married couples–including spending the night at each other’s houses. The break-ups are horrible. </p>
<p>Getting along with your children’s mates is a decision, not an accident. My loss if I decide I can’t get along with their spouse.</p>
<p>Emerald,
Parents can fall in love with their sons’ girlfriends. My 17-year-old S had a girlfriend for a few months this year, one year younger, who we adored. She is smart, pretty, funny and all around great. And her parents are, too! He took her to his first prom and then broke up with her a week later! I was (secretly) so mad at him and thought he was an idiot! I know, I know, I need to trust him (and it’s better that he goes to college with no serious attachment issues). But I just thought she was so perfect for him and I kind of wonder if he’ll ever get that lucky again!</p>
<p>
I’m with you mootmom. Which is why I’m secretly praying for S to find a nice, sweet orphan girl.</p>
<p>We should only be so lucky that our daughter breaks up with her boyfriend.</p>
<p>oib 1-
Is your daughter dating my son? :-)</p>
<p>Mootmom: As Ariesathena suggested, more food is key if you want your son and his future girlfriend around. Do you seriously know any college students who would turn down a free meal? Offer them dinner and they’ll love you forever. (Hey, it certainly works with me. Gluttony is a beautiful thing.)</p>