As someone who has a cordial texting relationship with my daughter (improving but not quite…), this rang a bell. Not the drinking, etc. but the eventual acceptance of mom by the college-age son.
gift link
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Thanks for posting. I belong to a group (not formed around our kids) of about a dozen people, and 3 of us have kids who have chosen to be estranged from their families. None of them had what you might call serious childhood trauma (unless you want to count 1 divorce) and we all have other children who are fine with the families. We each try to keep the door open to our adult children. That’s about all we can do.
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We had a friend (through our S playing soccer and the dad being a coach) who has an only child (son) who for some reason became estranged from his parents. They went with him to family counseling and the counselor was VERY perplexed as both parents were highly supportive of the boy at all times but for some reason he was “having issues” and wanted to pull away, while living at home and still in intermediate and then high school. We lost touch with them once our kids were not longer participating in sports but I know the parents were puzzled and heartbroken about what was going on.
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My cousin has chosen to be estranged from his parents. There is nothing in their relationship that would indicate that there is a rational reason for this. However, my cousin struggles with mental illness. My brother was also estranged from our family in a way - he was basically a hermit who disappeared or cut off contact for periods of time. He also struggled with mental illness. Sometimes that is the underlying issue, and in the case of my brother & my cousin, they chose not to (or were unable to) deal with it, unfortunately.
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As I’ve shared, my son hasn’t estranged himself from us completely, but he’s let us know we were horrible parents (to the level he calls it abuse!!) and rarely communicates with us. We’ve agreed to online family counseling, mainly because his younger sister is sympathetic and we don’t want to lose her.
Two things we’re doing:
- Paying for a consultation with an estrangement expert - he’ll give us advice about how to to talk to our son in therapy, and other things we should/shouldn’t do.
- Joining an online site called the Reconnection Club, for parents of estranged children. The site creator, Tina Gilbertson, has a lot of excellent podcasts. There are forums as well as a library of resources and weekly online “office hours.” I attended a Zoom session on meditation Sunday - there were about 70 participants. It helps to know we’re not alone in this journey.
The main thing I’ve learned is that we need to realize our child is in pain, for whatever reason, and we should concentrate on really listening to him and not get defensive. So we’ll try. My husband and I will have a session with whatever counselor our son chooses, and then Son will talk to him/her. After that, we’ll have up to three joint sessions and then re-evaluate. I like the fact that we can explain “our side” to the counselor before our son tells him/her how horrible we were.
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Huh, sounds like our son. I hope the counselor we get feels the same. But Son is sure a good talker. A therapist he saw in 6th grade first diagnosed him with “situational depression” and informed us that his dad and I were the situation!! After a few months, she told us she realized she was wrong. Thank goodness.
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My youngest brother was an addict who went through rehab in his 20’s. My parents joined Families Anonymous and found it to be a huge help. Knowing that they weren’t alone was a godsend for them. It sounds like the Reconnection Club offers a similar opportunity for parents to know that they are not alone.
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My sister has been estranged from the entire family for 30+ years, mainly because of our mother’s drinking. Unlike the mom in the story, our mother never stopped. I wish a sheriff had come to our door! My response in her old age, as the older child, was to take care of my mother. I get a lot of praise but I think my sister was healthier.
I have one kid with bipolar 1 who is silent for months, then talks for hours. I have been taught by the wonderful psychiatrist not to “chase” which causes withdrawal. Also if I want to know how the job search is going, I don’t ask. I bring flowers and food, and they tell. It has taken a long time to get there.
My son had a period of not communicating, ten years ago. I would write a “love you” kind of message once a month, without putting any pressure on. At one point he talked about his issues and I just listened, didn’t respond in any self-defensive way. He worked his way back.
I am very close to another kid who calls twice a day, even at 35 and with a full life.
I am the tree, the kids are the squirrels. I am just there. They all make different choices about how close to be to or how far away from to be from the tree and move back and forth, up and down over time.
I am taking an “end of life doula” class right now, very intense, but it teaches a lot about listening in a positive way and keeping an open mind, and I find it helpful in the context of parenting.
I feel bad for parents dealing with estrangement that is long term. Therapists are encouraging this more apparently. It could be any of us anytime.
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This can be so true!
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My boys ages 24 and 20 are not big on communicating with me unless there’s an issue in their lives. Its not that they only want money as often times their emergencies arent them asking for cash, just guidance. Its like Im good for being an “adultier adult” but not every day chat.
My oldest was in special ed at age 3 and is neurodivergent and challenged. He was the target of his father and former stepmothers rage and emotional and mental abuse. The younger boy was the golden child to them and although also adhd he was academically smart. He learned to play the game with his dad and now that he’s older has come to me crying because he’s realized he is a manipulative person.
Both boys want to be fiercely independent and feel sharing anything about their lives is babyish to them. Any questions asked feels like attempts to control to them. The 20 year old will make comments as an attempt to hurt me such as “you think you know me but you don’t” if I remotely act like a mother not a stranger.
I know the oldest is emotionally and developmentally delayed and struggles with understanding his emotions. The 20 year old has told me he is struggling with accepting hid dad’s actions and choices and doesnt totally understand how i couldn’t do more to protect them. We’ve had a few chats about boundaries and word choices that we need to both be mindful of.
In the end I just feel like a crappy parent because I cant change the past. I couldn’t change the custody battles their dad forced me into. I couldn’t stop their dad or stepmom from saying things to them that hurt our relationship. I have an 18 year old daughter and I secretly see the reels she reposts on social media and it makes me sad. Often its about girls growing up without dad’s and the hurt caused by it. About not having memories with her dad or his family until high school.
Anyways, its been a hard week so thanks for the topic letting me vent. I know my kids have valid hurts and fears. They are all trying to figure out who they are as adults and the world is scary. I just sit back and cross my fingers that they will be okay.
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I’m not estranged from either of my children. My son is not a great communicator so that is difficult but we accept him for who he is.
I know I’ve posted on other threads here how we are in a cruise this week of thanksgiving. I can’t put a definitive answer but to us it seems that many on this cruise this week are here because being home meant they were alone. Or it was a painful time
Lots of singles, lots of same sex couples, lots of couples we’ve talked to who don’t have children or won’t have grandchildren. A few generational families but not many
For us, we would have a place to go but our children are far away, don’t really get along with each other. We will see them in a couple of weeks.
I feel the holidays are hard for a lot of us and I feel less alone when I can see others who are in the same situation. I hope others do also.
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Oh, I totally get this, although my situation is very different (single adoptive mom to one daughter). IMHO self-forgiveness is so important. It’s taken a while with great therapists for me to feel ok–not great but I did the best I knew how–with this and other situations.
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gift link https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/26/opinion/thanksgiving-family-fighting.html?unlocked_article_code=1.4E8.Qhei.PfbWPaK4vHwL&smid=url-share
Life Is Too Short to Fight With Your Family
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With our dad, my sister has told him a few times, “You can be happy or you can be right. You can’t have both. You have to pick one.”
He’s chosen the latter. So he’s miserable. He’s mad that we don’t follow the ridiculous rules that HIS parents came up with for how an adult child is supposed to show respect & pay homage to the parent. He has a huge sense of entitlement, refuses to change or see things from any other perspective but his own, and gets mad when somebody even looks at him the wrong way.
I may not have had the choice when I was a kid to escape from him flying off the handle and having temper tantrums where he would throw things across the room in a fit of rage, but when he started letting that rage out in front of my young children…nope, we’re done.
You treat others how to treat you. I did not want my children growing up thinking that it’s normal and ok for a grandparent to behave that way. Sets them up for possibly a lifetime of relationship issues down the road.
We’ve always still invited him here to visit, but in 15 yr, he’s come maybe 4 times. Including one 8-year stretch in which he chose never to see his only 2 grandchildren at all.
Many people who have good intentions have said to my sister & I over the years, “But he’s your DAD!” or “But he’s their grandfather!”
Sometimes when somebody shows you who they really are, you just have to believe them and accept that they will NEVER be who you want/need them to be.
In the years after my mom died of cancer, my dad is lucky that my sister & I even talk to him at all. The things he claimed would curl your hair and make you wince. None of it was true. I’m not spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with him at his home for the rest of his natural life…that’s what’s best for me and my kids.
Meanwhile, this Thanksgiving, we’re going to have a couple of relatives over who like to debate politics. I’m tired of one-tricky ponies who only want to talk religion & politics all of the time. For 1 of the relatives, it’s like ALL they talk about. All the time. I’ve known this person for over 30 years and every holiday, they have the same religion & politics debate. You could record it and replay it the next time and it would be the same.
I used to participate in those debates. Now, I don’t bother. I don’t care. I don’t care anymore about their religious or political views. I refuse to engage in the debate. Sometimes I excuse myself and I get up to do something else. Sometimes I steer the conversation to something else (or try to) and then they loop it back to the Religion & Politics channel again.
Life IS too short. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry & ticked off about religion & politics all the time like the relative is. Turn off the news once in awhile, go outside and get some sunshine, connect with people in a way that doesn’t involve the topics that always make you mad…maybe that relative would be a little more content.
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I grew up with an unpredictable alcoholic parent in a home with lots of verbal abuse. Both of my parents loved us though and there were plenty of good times too. Since they have both passed, one of my biggest regrets is that I never made peace with my dad. (I did with my mom as she had a very long illness.) I had much healthier boundaries with my dad as an adult (especially after a few rounds of therapy), and I would leave if he became intoxicated and abusive. I refused to let my daughter see him treat me like that. We also set up contacts and visits for as much success as possible. Phone calls in the morning. Family meals over lunch instead of dinner.
My dad had a lot of his own childhood traumas that I don’t think he ever resolved. I have come to a place of real forgiveness but was never able to tell him that while he was still alive. Most of my actions were out of a sense of obligation. I’ve had lots of conversations with him in heaven but it doesn’t feel quite the same. It’s one of my biggest regrets.
I feel extremely lucky that my own child gives me a lot of grace when I mess up. I apologize quickly and she’s known from an early age that parents screw up too and that we are just regular people doing the best we can. I didn’t give my parents that same grace….I was in too much pain at the time. FWIW, I think they’ve forgiven me too. At least I hope so.
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Our kids realized we were human and did/do the best we can. Despite having chronic illness, they grew up pretty content and I am thrilled we all get along. I’m sure it helped that they know they are loved by the extended family & their grandparents. Having dysfunction& alcoholism/drug issues really messes things up.
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IMHO it’s really hard to predict what will be with parent-adult child relationships. I loved what the latest NYT article I posted here said about parents/grandparents/the older generation letting go of grievances because they are old enough to know what’s really important.
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My daughter was adopted as an infant. She grew up in a PWI and area but small enough town where people knew her story so to speak. Now she is in college and she finds people assume things based on her appearance. It has been interesting.
Sorry—what is PWI? I’m lost.
Primarily White Institution (PWI)