DH wanted to text Son this morning, but I told him from what I’ve learned, it’s better right now for us not to initiate contact. Then Son got on the family WhatsApp thread and wished everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, so I texted back and shared our plans for the day.
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A dear friend and former neighbor is estranged from her youngest son. His wife is the catalyst. He joined a fundamentalist evangelical church and now believes he must “cleave” only to his wife and her demands, while somehow dismissing the commandment to honor his father and mother. I know, my children know, and my husband knows there was no childhood reason for him to walk away. Our two families raised our kids together side-by-side. They were loving, devoted parents and genuinely good people. It’s the saddest thing. It has gutted her for years. I don’t think she will ever get over it, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever witnessed. She has two grandchildren she’ll never know and aches to have her son back. I know some kids have good reasons to cut ties, but not all of them do.
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Oprah did a podcast on this topic a few days ago, with both adult children and parents who are no contact as guests.
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I guess that’s what I didn’t care for in the original article that was posted.
I think it’s a good thing to talk about.
Sometimes there’s not a compelling reason. Sometimes it’s not the parent’s fault. Sometimes it’s much more complicated than a substance abuse issue.
Sometimes there just isn’t a good way to explain these issues
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Oprah did a remarkably good job presenting multiple perspectives with empathy and humanity.
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Yeah, I sure can’t explain my son’s behavior. We are mystified. It’s actually kind of ironic, because I was determined to give my kids a good childhood, after I grew up in such a fundamentalist home. I thought my kids were lucky not to be in that environment!
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Mine swing back and forth between complaining about their miserable childhoods and acknowledging I did the best I could. They’ve both married guys who had overprotective mothers and can see that that made them dependent and less likely to make decisions. One has a mother who made his dental appointments all through college, ordered his college text books, booked his airline flights until my daughter took over, and he’s fairly hopeless at doing those things for himself. Too bad for him he married my very pushy and demanding daughter.
I actually do fine with them if I back off and don’t give advice unless they ask. For their weddings I only made a few suggestions and did offer comments but in a way that left the final decisions to them. For example, one wanted a very small wedding and all I said was to invite all the cousins or none of the cousins and she decided on none, which was how she was leaning, I could tell, but wanted permission to do that, invite none.
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Someone shared what I think is a blog article from Rachel Haack about the Oprah show. I’m not sure if it’s allowed to post from blogs/ substacks, but it I thought it was a well-balanced thoughtful article.
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That made me laugh. On many things I was a hands-off mom. But there is no way they would have made dentist appts a priority without my encouragement.
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My daughter loves to get her teeth cleaned and pays OOP for extra cleanings each year, so she was always on that one.
The thing that drove her crazy was her BF (now husband) not being able to make plane reservations without them having to take a trip around the US to get from point A to point B. “Have you looked at a map? You don’t have to stop twice to get from Fla to NJ!” My kids could get through an airport at ages 13 and 14.
I may have made my kids a little too independent.
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A week ago Sunday, we left the ball in my son’s court to find a family counselor. Today, he sent us a note, thanking us for our patience and that he’s been overwhelmed with school and personal issues. Then he wrote, “Love you both, take care.” He’s such a mystery.
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I did my kids laundry all through college and paid for laundry service when they were at college. I git alot of “ how will they ever learn”. When older daughter moved to another state after college, she called me the first time she did laundry “ why do people say this is something you have to learn. I googled it, it took 5 min of my time to learn the rules. . Why is this hard? “ ( she also says she was grateful she didn’t have to spend her precious free time ( as a double engineering major) doing laundry during college in communal laundry.
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D loved color catchers that she bought so that she didn’t have to sort laundry and could just put colors and whites all in same load and do laundry as quickly as possible. It worked and she didn’t have colors bleed into one another. It’s maybe not ideal, but it is something that worked well for her and kept her from endlessly procrastinating on laundry.
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After lots of chastising my kids for not sorting laundry, I realized that dyes just don’t run the way the used too. I do a lot of color mixing, though I am careful the first time I wash a dark colored item.
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The color catchers do get discolored so I believe it has helped prevent some changes of color in D’s clothes, as she will wash lights & darks in same batch, but uses cold water.
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Our only child was always very independent. Even as a toddler he played happily by himself for hours and had no separation anxiety with daycare or preschool. Later, he opted for boarding school and pretty much never came home again for any contiguous length of time after 14. Then, we lost him entirely to the Army at 18, and he married at 24. He’s a loving, happy, well-adjusted, self-aware, productive member of society. We admire him greatly but, it seems, always from afar.
Are we as “close” as I would like. No.
ETA: Laundry. I’ve only recently discovered bleach. Other than an occasional whites-only bleach tub, I just separate by volume splitting the piles evenly, only casually by lighter/darker. Our son did his own laundry at BS, the Army did it for him at the academy.
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I’ve mentioned elsewhere that my brother is estranged from our parents - I don’t think they’ve seen him in a decade. Probably last text was 8 years ago. My last text with him was about 3 years ago - I just got fed up after I texted him at Christmas and my SIL texted me back on his phone that he was too busy to respond himself. Message received. My parents were far from perfect. They were extremely young parents. My father is a recovering alcoholic who put in a lot of work to be a better man. My mother has struggled with mental illness since she was a teen. My mother blames my SIL for the estrangement, and she definitely plays a huge role, but I tell her that my brother is an adult and can make his own choices. My father tried for years to mend the relationship but he finally decided to stop. It used to make me extremely sad, then absolutely furious, but now only really think about it during the holidays.
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Just an aside- the point about laundry isn’t that there’s something difficult or sacred about a kid learning how to do their own laundry. Just like making your own dentist appointments isn’t a sign of absolute maturity.
There’s a lengthy menu of things that contribute to self-sufficiency- changing a tire; knowing the difference between your debit card and credit card; being able to put a nutritious meal on the table without resorting to Ubereats or some other takeout/delivery service.
I have observed– just in my own experience- that parents that don’t encourage independence in one area often don’t encourage or facilitate it in the other areas. I know parents of newlywed kids who are shocked by how “useless” the new in-law child is in certain “adulting” skills. And somehow expect the new spouse to take over for mom and dad.
So folks who did their kids laundry- nothing to apologize for. Just don’t facilitate “learned helplessness” into a marriage or long term relationship. That isn’t as acceptable in a spouse as it used to be. Especially once kids come along- or when the couple is saving money for a house. The old “I earn it, he/she spends it” model is over. As is the pride “I have never changed a diaper and don’t intend to start now”. Seems to be a BIG point of contention within the younger generation right now.
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S learned to pre spot and wash clothes around age 8 because he learned if he pre-treated red dirt (found all over his elementary school), he could get the spots out and they didn’t become permanent.
With youtube, folks can learn most things they are interested in learning and “adult” as desired.
I do know (from afar) some situations where sons have totally separated from family, even to the point of changing cellphone number. The parents blame the daughter-in-laws. I only know the parent side of it, but the parents are truly good and decent people… heartbroken to have no access to the grandchildren. It is so sad to see their pain.
So if my kids don’t return my texts as often as I’d like (or not at all), I try not to appreciate the fact that we still all get along. (If I break down and actually call because it’s truly important, they do answer.) Closer would be better. But we are still family… and that I cherish.
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