I have a sibling who has not communicated with three of us siblings since our mother died 20 years ago. For about 10 years she kept in contact with my two brothers. She now has no contact with any of us. Our childhood was dysfunctional though we didn’t know it at the time. We have all tried to reach out to her over the years and get no response. She has missed many milestones which is weird since at one time she was extremely close to her nieces and nephews. We have no idea what she tells her friends. It’s sad as she has a large family who would love to have her in their lives. At one point one of my sisters wanted to just show up at her door. Our oldest sister asked why would you do that. She knows where all of us are and if she desired she knows where to find us.
We grew up never discussing our feelings. I joke she could show up tomorrow and nobody would ask her where she has been for 20 years.
DH has a 80% friendly but distant relationship with his parents, such as it is. They are odd parents. Never have demonstrated any sort of interest in him once he was an adult, and very little when he was a teenager. They are not selfish, but very self absorbed. Our (adult) kids are their only grandchildren and they have not participated much in their lives, but like to attempt connection at random times in order to qualify as good grands. (I’ll admit I resent this immensely) Hint : if you have absolutely no idea what to get someone as a gift, 15 or 20 years in a row, maybe ask yourself why? If you have no idea where we live, what our home looks like, what your son does or grandkids do, maybe ask yourself why? If you never have time to answer the phone or let us visit because you have plans, what do you imagine he thinks about that? None of this is malicious or intended to send a message, which makes it all the weirder. And now it is too late. Too late. And also, not my fault – if it were up to DH, they’d have even less of a relationship just from inaction.
I know people like this. And if it weren’t weird enough, they recently sold their house to “downsize” and go from a 6 hour drive to their only grandchildren to a three hour plane ride. And now get to wonder why two working parents with kids in school can’t just “come for the weekend”.
Yeah, it could be a disaster, but if she showed up with some cookies that had been her favorite, gave them to her, and said” these made me think of you. I miss you.”, and then expected no more, what’s the worst that could happen?
I also agree with the siblings who say this sister could turn it around herself.
These things are hard, and the histories are long. And what happens in everyone’s head, especially when folks aren’t talking -but even when they are - can get people to irreconcilable differences.
I have a friend whose 20-something daughter went no contact. The friend moved recently and wondered aloud if she should throw away all the daughter’s school report cards, graduation items, art projects etc. I told her to hang onto them if she has the space because you don’t want the daughter later to accuse her of not caring. She texted the daughter the new address and told the daughter she’d never change her phone number and always would like to reconnect when the daughter is ready. Very sad.
I was recently at a funeral where the deceased’s long estranged brother showed up.
The whispers started as soon as someone recognized him. “would he sit with the family?” yes. “Would the nieces/nephews/in-laws/other siblings acknowledge him? “ Yes- hugs or handshakes all around. “how bereft would he look and would it be genuine?” He looked appropriately sad. “will he go back to “the house” after the burial with the other mourners?” No, he did not. He left for the airport after the burial.
My takeaway is “don’t let the nudging and the kicks and the whispers at your funeral become the narrative”. Find a way. Be the bigger person. Swallow your pride. Even if it’s only a birthday card once a year with a “remember the time I put a crayon up my nose and you held my hand on the way to the doctor’s office?” figure it out before it’s too late.
I was sad (more than sad) for the entire family that a lifetime of good works, loving community, etc. was not center stage once the estranged sibling walked in. It changed the narrative for those who thought they knew the story (brother wanted nothing to do with the family) and had them questioning what had really happened. As if it mattered with one of them dead.
The rest of us siblings over the years have tried various ways to reach out. Last time I reached out to let her know our oldest sister(they are closest in age) had a serious health condition and wasn’t doing well. I know she got the message. The estranged sibling would rather be alone than admit she isn’t perfect.
There was a time before I met my husband that he was not in contact with his mother (she could be difficult). But he’d leave a flowering plant on her porch at mother’s day - I thought that was sweet.
I’m no contact my sister. I don’t want a relationship with her, and she doesn’t want one with me, so there is really nothing to save. We don’t hate each other, we just genuinely don’t care. And yet my mother tries to assert herself constantly, lying and manipulating to somehow get us together in the same room so she can pretend she has a happy, intact family. It’s made me never trust her when we are invited over or an event is planned. It gets old. Quite frankly, it makes the time I spend with my mother miserable and makes me want to spend less time with her. It’s not about her. She can enjoy each of us. Just not together.
I should not have to deny reality to make you happy. Nor would it be enjoyable for any of us to be in the same room all togther. What you want is for everyone to pretend to get along, even if they are suffering, so that you don’t feel like a failure. Which you aren’t, but since you judge yourself by how you are precieved by others, you can not explain this riff to your friends.
I did my kids laundry because I can’t stand people in my laundry room. And I like doing laundry. Or my kitchen at dinner time . They were however allowed to …. required to make their simple school lunches. A task I hated . Despite (or maybe because)real cooking was mostly off limits (forbidden fruit?) they are both big on cooking, making complicated recipes regularly. And both are “into” doing laundry. Daughter who is a nurse did it daily during COVID and got in the habit. Older DD is big on air drying delicates and has a fancy drying rack and a host of laundry accessories like bra bag, lingerie bag, bag for doing shoes, dryer balls etc…
Firstly, I don’t have this situation with my children so apologize for butting in, but this is an interesting topic to me.
there is a family member who basically has gone low-no contact with everyone, to the point that he came up with an excuse to not attend our sister’s funeral. He is 71, and this has been brewing for decades since he met and married his wife who has admitted she is always fighting with someone in her family (hmmm….).
Did anyone catch Oprah’s recent podcast (youtube) on adult estrangement? It flummoxed me, especially a few situations where the adult child went no contact (but continued to go to college on the parent’s dime) and a couple where there was no estrangement until the son met and married his wife (who is also estranged from her parents … hmmm).
So the family member mentioned earlier has taught his adult child, through example, to disrespect everyone on this side of the family. It started with my widowed mother, who would cry every time they left her house after a visit. There are many stories, many involving me since I have been the family scapegoat for them. I don’t know how she is with her mother’s side. I have tried, but been slapped back enough times that I really don’t care anymore. I am the only one left on this side. My daughters love me. My nieces adore me, even my widowed brother in law (who is engaged to another, lovely woman) talks to me just for the heck of it. I have taken a young woman in my community, who did not have a great start in life, under my wing. So I take solace in the fact that I am not a horrible person.
Honestly, sometimes I think it’s them. Except for cases of horrific abuse, I really believe this is a trend abetted by social media. If you are up to it, watch the Oprah podcast. It was interesting.
Another thought, that I ran out of time to add to my original reply …
My mother started her family when she was 19, new to this country without a high school education, and was treated like a slave by her mother. But she was the smartest person I ever knew. She had to rebuild everything after my dad died young. If I really think, of course they weren’t perfect. There were things I said I would do differently with my own children, and I did. I’m sure they will say the same about me.
My sister and I would joke about our mother “she might be a pain in the -ss, but she’s our pain in the -ss.” I am glad I got the privilege of seeing her grow older, and mellow a bit. She had stories to tell, and if you listened you understood how she became the person she was. Her grandchildren all loved her, except my brother’s daughter.
I’ve learned to look at my parents differently, especially since I became one. They were people first, parents later. And a lot of their experiences, which were harsh, shaped them into who they are. Luckily, I always knew they loved me even if they didn’t say it. They showed me. Now, as an adult, I see that. And I forgive them for not being perfect.
Hugs to everyone here who is in this situation. I do not judge, as every story is different. I have 2 living siblings and one sibling and I are permanently estranged from the the other one (their choice, although they did some nasty things to us and to others).
I recently had a member of my extended family completely cut me off due to a dispute between 2 other family members (I was not involved). I have been close to this person since we were born (68 years ago). It is very painful to me.
This is not a new phenomenon, my MIL and her parents never had much to do with her father’s (large) family. I have no idea why as the never talked about anything. I can think of several other examples, and I think we simply hear about this more often in the media now.