I wish some of our adult children could go to the youth detention center every month with us, when we throw a simple birthday party. We had two young men tonight. One was turning 18, the other 19. Both had fathers who were in prison most of their childhoods. The older boy (boy!) has two kids - a two-month-old and a 17-month-old. They both are adamant they want to do better so their siblings and kids can look up to them. They would have given anything to have a stable home. Talk about two strikes against you before you even grow up. 
14 Likes
Here’s a good book about families who find themselves with a child who is in some way challenging to parent. https://parents.simonandschuster.com/9780743236720
There was a documentary that made following the success of the book. https://youtu.be/v_1bVhenzZ0?si=_HVTvSrVw-yLRg9Z
@MaineLonghorn I did not understand your post wishing that adult children could visit a youth detention center. Was the hypothetical benefit realizing how lucky they are to have the parents they have? Isn’t this another way to deny the reality of our kids’ feelings? And kids in a detention center may have good parents or at least a good parent. I wouldn’t make any assumptions generally.
3 Likes
I took it to mean that many children who cite “dysfunction and instability” in a relatively stable home don’t appreciate that their situation was not as severe as some of the the non-contact children encouraging it via blog etc. But you make a good point that parents should try seek out child’s perspective, as MaineLonghorn has been doing. I appreciate her sharing perspectives of the journey.
9 Likes
I agree. Good to brainstorm here and get feedback.
1 Like
@Colorado_mom I did not see anything about a blog. I just don’t think we can make assumptions about the stability or instability of homes of kids in a detention center, and I don’t think comparing childhoods is ever useful.
2 Likes
I don’t think @MaineLonghorn is making a blanket assumption. She was referencing two specific young men that she has personally met who had fathers in prison most of their childhoods and who presumably discussed the impact of that. While I agree that comparing childhoods is not necessarily useful, it is sometimes helpful to think about the situation of others to gain some perspective on one’s own situation.
9 Likes
Ah - thanks for the comment. I’m old, used “blog” instead of the more general term Social Media. My understanding is that it drives many children to adopt No Contact mode.
AI Overview
Social media platforms like TikTok and YouTube feature a rising trend where young people share experiences of going “no contact” (NC) with parents, framing it as a way to heal from emotional abuse, narcissism, or toxic dynamics, promoting self-preservation, mental health, and healthy boundaries, often by adopting psychological terms like “toxic” or “emotionally immature” to describe their families and finding validation in online communities that destigmatize family estrangement as a valid choice for personal growth.
<sorry - highlighting came with my copy/paste>
I’ve lived a fairly sheltered life. But certainly I’ve seen stories in books/movies (and read some here on CC) where NC is definitely warranted. Just feel like it has become an overused tactic in less severe situations.
4 Likes
I am going to disagree here.
I liken it to when I frequented infertility boards and one of the rules of the board I belonged to was to not participate in “the pain Olympics”.
Telling someone dealing with secondary infertility that their pain wasn’t as deep/meaningful as someone who didn’t have any children was a disservice to everyone involved. And so it was made a rule to not try to rank whose pain mattered and whose didn’t. Or whose should be taken more seriously.
One individual’s experience does not negate another’s. Or put it in “perspective”.
8 Likes
@beebee3 I agree that no one should “tell” someone that their situation is not as bad as someone else’s! I personally sometimes find it helpful to consider the alternative situations of others as I assess my own reactions, it sometimes helps me to rationalize my emotional response. But that’s just me, and obviously, everyone is different!
5 Likes
My BIL is an educator. They had one field trip to a minimum security facility which backfired badly where many of the kids knew the people incarcerated who told them life was pretty good there—free shelter and food. The school never did any other “scared straight” visits.
4 Likes
I’m going to Yes, AND these posts.
When thinking about MYSELF, I think it’s great to get perspective on a situation. For instance, I was thinking about Christmases past and remembered my saddest Christmas when it was just me and my parents with no siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or cousins present. And then I thought about someone who didn’t have anyone to be with, or whose parents weren’t around anymore, and realized that my saddest Christmas was still better than what many others have experienced. But it was a realization I came to on my own. I suspect I would have been resentful had someone tried to force that perspective on me.
At the same time, it wouldn’t be right for someone who celebrated Christmas alone to poo-poo on my 3-person holiday sadness nor would it be right for me to poo-poo someone who was surrounded by family but still felt alone or was dealing with familial strife or something else. There is no pain comparison, and one person’s experience doesn’t negate another’s.
14 Likes
My sister has been estranged from the whole family for almost 30 years. She did not see my mother before she died, but wrote her a card. She did not go to the service. I emailed her a few times as my mother got close to the end, to give her a chance.
We are one year apart and I went to the other extreme: I took care of my mother for 8 years almost daily. I did have the privilege of hearing my mother’s regrets.
My mother is dead and I don’t want to go into detail about what she put us through. But I defend my sister to anyone who asks, and I also express the feeling that she may have had a healthier response than I did. I really don’t like the attribution of virtue that I receive and the criticism of my sister. She is a therapist herself and I hope she has had a happy life. I miss her, but I don’t blame her.
I will also say that although my own childhood story contains explicit drama, I have been around families with very subtle, nuanced pathologies that may be even harder for the adult kids because there isn’t anything as concrete to point to. That is one reason why I don’t think we can compare. Not to mention genetic predisposition to depression, birth order, social and school experiences, so many other things going on besides parent influence.
14 Likes
I interpreted @MaineLonghorn comment the same way @compmom did. I think the comment had been made before in either this thread or another.
I certainly understand that when you provided a stable home to a child that you want them to appreciate that their household was better than many. @MaineLonghorn has had a lot of tragedy with her kids with one being permanently disabled and another who seems to be having issues and their perception of their family seems to be drastically different than how his parents intended or acted.
I’m also in agreement with @compmom that as a parent you need to not compare other’s upbringing.
What I really don’t want is for this thread to be one posters side or another. No blame.
I think @compmom brought up a valid point that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Or told that she is wrong. Because that’s not the point of this conversation.
In my opinion.
6 Likes
I feel for @MaineLonghorn’s situation.
My sister has a friend w/2 sons. 1 is, overall, mentally healthy & fine. Son #2 was diagnosed some years ago with bipolar disorder, but Son #2 tried to deal with it himself for a long time before getting diagnosed.
Things w/Son #2 are not great and haven’t been in awhile.
(disclaimer: I’m not dox’ing anyone by posting about it here, nobody here knows where the friend lives, where her 2 sons live, or anything else)
Son #2 has been hospitalized a couple of times for SMI (severe mental illness). Graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree. Has struggled to keep a steady job for longer periods of time & has gotten fired/laid off/let go a couple of times that my sister knows of.
Son #2 blames all of his problems in life on his mom (my sister’s friend). In order to help him get on his feet financially, for a long period of time he was living w/the mom in his parents’ house (the mom’s husband died a few years ago) & he was living w/his parents post-college, in between jobs, when his dad was still alive.
They’ve gone to family therapy several times. And have also had individual sessions w/the therapist. After awhile, the therapist advised my sister’s friend that Son #2 really would be better off, mental health wise, if he no longer lived with her (mom) because Son #2 had become increasingly more angry, belligerent, verbally abusive, etc. towards his mom…to the point where the therapist told the mom that he/she was worried that Son #2 could potentially act out and harm her because he was so full of rage.
The mom is just about the most normal person you could imagine. There was no physical or emotional abuse in their house growing up. Totally normal, boring, no family trauma or anything like that.
When the mom & Son #2 are apart, Son #2 is able to mostly keep his life in order & keep his “stuff” together. It breaks the mom’s heart all the time, but there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it. Son #2 blames ALL of his bipolar issues and other psychological issues on his mom. He’s decided that the reason why he feels his life totally sucks is entirely her fault, she is the enemy, etc., etc.
Meanwhile, Son #1 does NOT have SMI issues, but has been (understandably) super frustrated that over the past several years, ALL of his parents’ focus felt like it was on Son #2. And Son #1 has some resentment about that. Has felt like he’s had to figure things out on his own, couldn’t go to his parents with anything that was bothering him or something in another part of his life that he wanted to talk to them about, because everything was always in crisis mode all of the time re: his brother.
So the mom & Son #1 went to therapy together for awhile. And it helped a lot. And the 2 of them, relationship-wise, are in a pretty good place now.
The whole situation is really really hard.
10 Likes
My husband and his brothers had a difficult mother (she had a hard life). She did love me and treated me as one of her own. My husband and I used to joke that was a mixed blessing… what we really would have preferred would have been to be treated like one of her cats - lol, they could do no wrong.
5 Likes
This topic is a sensitive one, particularly for people who have experienced or are experiencing strain with any of their family members. I think that posters who have shared their vulnerabilities are incredibly brave and have done a service for others in seeing how these situations have played out, what others might be thinking, and steps that they can try.
My previous post was written to share my own perspective in the hopes that it might help others to see how some might view a situation differently, not to slam any posters. If anyone felt attacked or hurt by my post, I apologize; that was not my intent. I appreciate how the CC community is often very supportive, and I hope that will continue in this thread and throughout the forum.
15 Likes
I didn’t think that at all. I didn’t feel you were attacking anyone.
My post was a proactive one rather than calling anyone out.
That we can interpret things in our own way, based on our own experiences. And that’s perfectly okay and validated
8 Likes
I have 3 friends with male adult children behaving like the son described by @sbinaz as well as @MaineLonghorn. In one of those cases, I often feel for my friend’s safety. If you pick up a book on bipolar disorder, and no doubt on other psychiatric challenges, opppositional behavior is clearly not related to relationships, parenting skills, childhood experiences. It is brain-based illness. I have to say there are many professionals who continue to stigmatize parents: remember the refrigerator moms responsible for autism? Ditto schizophrenia (moms who change their minds a lot?) and bipolar disorder. I told one professional he needed to go back for retraining!
And yes siblings may suffer. It is virtually impossible for a parent of a kid with medical or psychiatric illness to balance everything and stress can be contagious whether we want it to be or not.
It is natural to want to defend ourselves. We are put on the defense by others who do not understand. That said, in my experience, there is no point in doing that with the kid in question since the combativeness is not rational. They need to vent (and sometimes they need treatment!).
This is a supportive community that I have benefited from for 18 years (arghhh) and certainly did not intend to offend anyone. Just sharing experiences here.
12 Likes
Good points. Love that there is a place we can all “think out loud”, share experiences.
7 Likes