Perfect. That hits the nail on the head. (Pa dum pum)
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Question: What does it actually cost you (the person in the article) to “wait and see” if your kid comes around?
Yes. You are angry. Yes. It seems not fair.
But why escalate a “fight” with someone you love? Is that serving either of you?
Closing doors is not the best solution on either end. I’d say keeping the door ajar on your end is a simple thing to do if you can. It doesn’t keep you from living your life in any way. It’s just being there still for someone whom you hope returns to home.
The advice I once read was to not chase, but send a short email once a month to say “I love you.” Over time, I think that works well.
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We have a saying in our family : “Sorry isn’t something you say, it’s something you do”
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That’s true. But when someone goes NC it doesn’t mean anything.
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In that case, you’d find my husband very sexy, however, the handy tasks are often not the ones that I actually want done. 
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It definitely needs to be stuff that I want to be done, lol.
Doesn’t do a thing for me when DH decides to take the chainsaw to something outside (which is often).
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I really do like the “Reconnection Club” website. The woman who runs it takes the time to look at community posts and respond to them. When I mentioned that my son brought up the “instability and dysfunction” in our home, she wrote, “‘Instability and dysfunction’ are in the eye of the beholder, like everything else. Staying open to whatever it is he means by that — being genuinely curious — seems like a safe strategy going forward.”
I like the phrase, “genuinely curious,” and will remember it!
I also read that it’s been shown if you squeeze a tennis ball for two minutes, several times a week, you can lower your blood pressure. So I will keep a tennis ball by my computer and squeeze it during therapy sessions. 
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I read this piece today and thought of everyone here (it’s not about the Reiners, it’s about parents and society blaming them , or not, for how our children “turn out”)
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That’s a very thoughtful piece of writing.
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This paragraph is powerful:
Third, beware any person or system that claims that we can keep young humans safe by taking total control of their lives, their environment, their contacts. The fundamental argument for authoritarianism is always an appeal to fear, a claim that “If I have total control, I can guarantee that the Terrible Thing will never happen to you.” That version of safety is an illusion; jailers do not keep us safer than shepherds.
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@greenbutton thank you for posting this.
I remember reading a Carolyn Hax column where she wrote something to the effect that it’s easy to be a great parent when you have an easy child, but not so easy to be a great parent with a difficult child.
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I’ve said, “I was an amazing parent when my oldest was born…and then I had my next two children and found out my oldest was an easy child for me to parent”. Incredibly humbling.
Later on, my oldest had lots to say about my parenting. I wasn’t even that amazing a parent to the child I thought was so easy. Thankfully, the other two had already humbled me, and I could hear what oldest was saying to me.
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I love the Shepard imagery. It makes sense in my world. We all do our best and see what our kids turn out to be, with fingers crossed. Such a good article in this challenging time.
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Great piece. Families who are lucky enough to have kids that follow the typical path often credit themselves for doing such a good job and, while they may not say it, figure that if a kid is not successful, it must be due to parental failures. While good parenting is important, so much of the adult a kid becomes is shaped by many things besides parenting (in the absence of abuse, neglect and trauma). Yet it is hard to not feel guilty that we missed something that would have meant our child turned out free of the challenges they have.
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And those of us who have kids with chronic health issues wonder if it was our genes or something we did or didn’t do as well. The schools reinforce this—why isn’t your kid healthy & in school, because whom else can they blame? It’s hard.
People with serious progressive conditions also blame themselves or are blamed—you have condition X because you smoked, vaped, don’t exercise enough, eat wrong, breathed bad air, ate bad food, etc.
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@MaineLonghorn remaining curious about what our kids have to say is a requirement for truly listening, I think! I think kids in families with one kid with health challenges- medical or psychiatric- can sometimes seem chaotic or unstable to the other kids. Not fair, but it’s their experience. I know I tried hard to balance all three of mine but the one with type 1 diabetes always was with me (and developed epilepsy too) and years later my older son expressed some distorted memories which took time to listen to and eventually clear up. This may sound odd, but once a second kid developed a health challenge (bipolar 1) there was no longer one dominating element and things equalized more. Not suggesting that as a solution for anyone! I really believe time heals but I remember 15 years ago sitting in a mall with my son while he threw criticisms at me (mostly the theme was that I am “too strong). It was hard but I didn’t defend myself or explain realities and just took it. That seemed to keep doors open. Five years ago I said to him “We just had a visit with no issues to discuss!” We just watched football!
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This reminded me of the following -
I have a childless friend who used to “judge” me and tell me “I would never…” (let my child do that, accept that treatment from my kid, whatever” and “you should…”
After trying to be subtle multiple times, and then less subtle too, I finally told him until he’d raised multiple teens I really had no interest in his “opinions” and he should shut up (in less pleasant words than that, which is unusual for me).
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I can so relate.
When my boys were young, they didn’t seem that hard. My step-d and I had a terrible time, especially when she was a teen. She is now over 30. Just sometime this year we were talking about how difficult it was and she said “We were nothing compared to me and my mom…”
But despite all the grief we went through, she kept coming back, and we are on fine terms.
The son I would say was “the easiest” for most of his growing up years, now doesn’t talk to me, pretty much at all, unless he or I need something we must talk for.
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My oldest is having some mental health issues that have required a lot of care and some inpatient time and my youngest said something to the effect why is everything revolving around them? I guess our family life can be a little wonky but the younger kid is not even living at home at this point so I was a little annoyed at that comment, but didn’t rise to it.
Re, the Reiners and people blaming or conversely taking credit for how kids turn out, my mother-in-law had some sage words on that. Her oldest, my H’s older brother, was a handful and a very very difficult teen – super smart, but just could not be bothered with school and teachers he found not as smart as him. Barely graduated high school because he had such disdain for his teachers and the system. He had a lot of alcohol issues too. MIL was talking with her therapist and was blaming herself for some of his problems, and the therapist stopped her and said something along the lines of, ‘do you take the credit when he aces a math test, or plays piano beautifully, or takes an amazing photo, or does something else well? No? Well, don’t take the blame when he screws something up, either.’ It’s a good lesson.
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