Here’s a gift link from today’s Wall Street Journal that deals with these issues –
https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/these-moms-are-done-being-doormats-for-their-estranged-children-04548f19?st=URrege&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink
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Oh boy on that article. I’m not sure the way to deal with a child who cuts off contact is to broadcast that you are not the one with the problem 
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I know people need to connect but I still say people should just stay off social media (on both sides). Ugh. LOL-- I did notice that the person who said she had “anger management” issues was a customer service person for an insurance company.
I think the biggest problem is sometimes a parent really doesn’t know WHY a kid has gone “no contact”. And if someone isn’t talking there is simply no way to fix anything even if you could. For a kid to say “you need to work on yourself” and cut contact also shows an immature response to not even trying to discuss the situation.
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Totally.
Re: the person who started the “Doormat Mom” on TikTok & Instagram -
If you want any hope of reconciling with your estranged child, speaking about your dirty laundry in such a public way is not the best way to build a bridge in the relationship with your child.
Meanwhile, Doormat Mom’s kid & the kid’s support network of people see all of Doormat Mom’s stuff and probably think, “See? She’s totally self-absorbed and unreasonable.”
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As a mom with very little current contact with my 29-y.o. kid, I have to say that I believe her issues with me prevent her from having a calm and rational discussion with me right now.
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‘They’re selling everything as trauma’: how our emotional pain became a product Is an article about “trauma” and I suspect may play into the victimization narrative some of the people may be grappling with.
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There’s a Youtuber I follow who sometimes has talked about his ‘quest for positivity’ which, generally speaking, is summarized in “You always can’t control bad things happening to you, but you CAN control how you respond to it.”
Unrelated thought:
When it comes to truly reconciling with someone who you feel has wronged you, just receiving an apology from the person isn’t sufficient. It has to be followed up with a change in behavior.
Because if the person says “I’m sorry” but then goes right back to doing/saying the hurtful thing, then the apology was meaningless. If, then, you go back to the person and remind them of the boundary that was crossed again, they apologize again, and THEN they STILL continue to do/say the hurtful thing…well, reconciliation is all the more difficult.
An apology also has to be specific, like “When I did/said X, it made you feel X. I’m so sorry for hurting you. That was not my intent.” Not generic and not passive-aggressive like:
- ‘I’m sorry you misunderstood’
- ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’
- ‘I’m sorry if there’s anything I ever did to upset you but ___’ (and the blank is filled with excuses & justifications)
…all of which requires the person to be willing to acknowledge that maybe they might have made a mistake. That is hard for a lot of people to do.
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I keep thinking about this article and how it relates to any relationship, not just a marital one.
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You left out the part though where if there is NC then you can’t even apologize. If you know what the problem even is. It’s all in the NC party court. They hold the power. It won’t matter if you “change” or not. Your only choice is to hang tight for the long haul and play a waiting game and hope for the best or pretend they no longer exist either and get on with your life.
The best solution is probably a combo–get on with your life and play the waiting game too knowing it’s not all on you.
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I don’t relate. Wife could just put the glass in the dishwasher too if she knew he didn’t care and made his life (and hers) a bit better. She might’ve wanted respect but it didn’t have anything to do with dishes. I’d guess the real reason for divorce was finances or cheating–just can’t admit it.
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Definitely a good example of communication breakdown.
It’s not about the glass.
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WOW! You read that whole article and came away with that take?! When the author clearly spells out the lack of respect and communication that caused the marriage to break down?
Agree with @momofboiler1 that article is an excellent example of a communication breakdown.
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I suspect that situations like those in the article are not as uncommon as you may think.
Why are guests worthy of him putting a cup away while the wife is not? Ditto for any other activity.
But as @beebee3 indicated, this is true for all kinds of relationships, including those with parents and kids. Why do you shoot hoops with me when there are guests over but turn me down anytime there aren’t others to see you playing with me? Why do you talk and engage with me in public, but ignore me when in private? No matter what the issue of importance is for a person, when an issue is important, the cuts can take a long time heal. And if a wound is repoened repeatedly, then it can fester and become puss-filled and the decision made to just cut it off.
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Once I realized that my husband could respect me without doing those things that annoyed me. And that I needed to be flexible about how he did things, our marriage improved immensely
My ex sil always placed blame on her husband and never took responsibility for her own behavior, they divorced. Is she happier, I hope so?
I think I’m happiest!
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And I think it is important to remember. I am one of 6 and my older brother and youngest brother were sort of distant from all of us. Youngest brother still is unless I make all the effort and I’m sort of over that.
All my mother wanted was a few phone calls. Three of us lived with her/across the street so had lots of contact and my sister called her every morning. Oldest brother lives 3 hours away and he just wasn’t in contact all that much, but that changed in my mother’s last 5 years or so. He started calling her about once a week, she went up to visit, he called ( or his ex-wife did) when his sons were playing hockey on the front range (Colo Springs to Ft Collins) and I’d drive her to see them and maybe him. He installed new windows on her house (a big job) and a deck on my sister’s mountain house (a big job) and my mother went to that ‘party.’ I see him more now than I had in the prior 30 years, and his kids aren’t always involved. He came down a few weeks ago to rip the old carpet up in this house (it had been my mothers). So things do change.
Youngest brother never really came around to including mother in his life and she didn’t push it but was so happy when he’d just call. You know, I really feel sorry for him as he missed the opportunity to be a bigger part of the family. When I used to travel to DC more, I’d meet him for dinner. He followed my daughter’s college lax career and would watch the games, and post (he actually knew some of her teammate’s parents as they frequented the same bar), he bought the hat. But he didn’t SHARE much of that and he could have been part of the team if he’d wanted to. A few years ago she played in an international tournament in Baltimore and we invited him (and bought tickets for him) but he never showed, never cancelled.
It just feels like a loss. His loss.
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That article is pure gold and describes the essence of the issue beautifully. It spoke to my soul (especially the crochet reference). Putting the glass in the dishwasher (socks in the hamper, closing cabinet doors, unloading the dishwasher, etc.) is wife-porn in my house. Maybe I’ll tape a copy of article to that glass…
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Nothing sexier than a man doing handy tasks without being asked (imo).
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“I got the message loud and clear,” says Wellington, a retired tech entrepreneur and children’s programming creator who has four other children, ages 15 to 32, who aren’t estranged. “It shouldn’t be on me to wait and see if she comes around.”
I think this doormat mom was living her life hoping her daughter would come around. No one, including the daughter, told her to do that. She should do the things she wants to do. Invite the other kids to holidays, take classes, go on vacations with family and friends. Live her life. I think that would make her happier and maybe the daughter would see (through the other kids, through social media ‘happy’ posts) that the mom isn’t stagnant, life is moving on, that if there were problems in 2005, maybe things have changed.
I’m a little bit of a doormat for my kids and will drop some of my plans to take care of their dogs or do a favor for them. I think I’m a little better at making my own plans and not waiting for them. One yesterday asked me what I was doing for Christmas and I said no plans yet. She asked if my sister would invite me over, and I said probably for a little time during the day. So D said “well you can come for dinner if you want.” Her IL are coming for the weekend and I didn’t assume I’d be included. If I take a step backward she will often (now) take a step toward me. When I said I wasn’t going to her wedding (because of accommodation) she made changes to include me. I really was okay either way, going or not.
But I wouldn’t talk about it on social media.
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At least once a year I rewatch the episode of Everybody loves Raymond where Ray and Debra ignore the suitcase left on the staircase to see which one of them will cave first. It is not only hilarious, but it really helps reset the “we can figure this out together” button on a marriage!!!
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