This is the story of a mother and family facing the fatal diagnosis of a young child. What’s relevant to this thread is how mom learned how to get support from friends who wanted to help but said unhelpful things.
Why It’s Best to Imagine the Worst
After learning devastating news about our young son, we needed to feel connected to friends and family, not just exist beyond their imagination.
This is going to be a tough holiday for those of us whose loved one has tossed us out like yesterday’s trash. It will be the first Christmas in 35 years that we haven’t spent with our son. What will we tell our other family members when they ask where he is? Do we make up some lie, or tell them the truth, which is, we don’t actually know what his purpose is in inflicting this pain? We can only guess, and think that the horrible sin we committed after a lifetime of love and support, was that we had the misfortune to be the people who were there when the mental health incident happened, and got the brunt of the paranoia and suspicion, though we did absolutely nothing to deserve it. But otherwise, sounds like he’s doing just fine. I don’t know how you even explain that to people.
“He made other plans this year.” That’s the truth. You owe nothing more. Be kind to yourself.
I agree, sometimes less info is best for everyone. It’s not unreasonable to say your loved one has other plans and no one needs any further info at this time. Perhaps over time you and your S will forge a new relationship—time will tell.
DH and I listened to more “Reconnection Club” podcasts last night. Each one is short, usually 9 to 11 minutes long, but she packs a lot in. We need to focus on DS’s emotions, not whether what he says is true or not. Boy, that’s going to be tough for me. The appointment with us, S, and the therapist is in 2 1/2 hours, at 3:05 pm. Send some thoughts/prayers if you think about us. I’m very nervous.
Sending good thoughts your way, @MaineLonghorn .
You understand the mission and its objective. You’ve got this!
You can do this. I know you can listen without judgement, even if you disagree with 90% of what’s being said. Listening without judgement doesn’t mean you agree- pretend you’re a juror in court. You are there to listen and THEN- down the road- evaluate the evidence.
Sending a hug.
What a great analogy!
I have often used a variant of this phrase: “I never intended to have you feel that way and I love you very much.” I’ll often include an “I’m sorry” but it’s a sorry that you felt bad, not necessarily sorry for what I did (especially if I don’t think it was my fault ; )). I just don’t bother to elaborate and let my D interpret it as she wants. I don’t need to right, I just want to be in a good place with the relationship.
@MaineLonghorn - you’ve got this! You are coming at this from a place of love!
As I read this thread, I have a flashback to being helped by Love and Logic parenting tips, especially the useful phrase “probably so” to keep from a combative reply. Still could be useful now.
I just listened to today’s (12/16) “The Nerve” podcast with Maureen Callahan. One focus was “no contact” and a great discussion with psychology professor Sam Vaknin. Very interesting and worth the listen. His take is that "no contact’ is never a solution except in cases of true severe emotional/physical abuse.
PVCs!
Thanks so much, everyone. 10 minutes to go. I decided to drink a glass of red wine! 
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Boy, that’s not the feeling of the younger generation.
Our assistant pastor, just the most joyful guy you’ve ever met, had a HORRIBLE childhood. His dad held a gun to his head at one point. He was in and out of foster care for years. And he said, even with all of that, he did not cut off his biological parents. It’s a different world now.
Well, the meeting went better than expected. S agreed to continue with the therapist. He did mention the “instability and dysfunction” in our household, but we weren’t asked to explain ourselves so we didn’t. He agreed we could send the therapist the very long letter he emailed us, so I did, and included a BRIEF summary of his struggles growing up. The therapist is probably around 60 and seems thoughtful and wise. She’s going to talk to S first, and then my husband and me. Honestly, I don’t know how it will go, but we’re trying.
Glad that it went better than expected. Sounds like a promising start.
Back when our son sent us the letter in late February, I happened to find this card that my mom sent me in 2018. You can tell she was declining a little, because her beautiful handwriting was starting to get shaky. This means the world to me.
It’s different now because of social media which has encouraged a “me” victimization for social slights.
The points I took away from the podcast–
“No contact” is an aggressive power play on the part of the person going NC. They hold all the power in this relationship.
It’s a tactic used by narcissists. Social media encourages people to be the “victim” of small slights and while maybe not a true narcissist in the clinical sense it encourages the same behavior (“I’m very special and don’t have to do anything to accommodate other’s feelings”). You made me feel this way (no acceptance of your own role).
It’s one of the most hurtful forms of retaliation. You are RIGHT to feel angry and extremely hurt. (I think of cults that “disown” or “disavow” their members). It does NOT mean you have done anything wrong as a parent. Nobody has ever been a “perfect parent”.
And–No contact is never a solution to a problem. Even if the relationship is severed by death it does not free the person of their feelings. It’s just something to still be worked through. (I think of Robin Williams–“Mom knows how to push your buttons–because she installed them”)
I’ll add–the dynamic can change. Just keep the doors open (deep breaths) and that can be extremely difficult because of the anger you feel (justified). As circumstances change–with age, with having kids of their own, with new experiences–they may reprocess their experiences and realize you aren’t the bad guy after all in their feelings. Life contains more than the universe that they are now inhabiting. It can take time and lots of it. Give it space–don’t be in a rush to re-establish that connection. Slow and steady wins the race.
I also feel that the internet and social media allows people to form a “family” beyond their biological family. In the past, family were the only ones you could count on, but now, you may feel closer to some online profile you’ve never met in real life that might not even be the person you think they are.
@momofboiler I love “I never intended to have you feel that way and I love you very much.” Also the apology in the context of saying you are sorry the person isn’t feeling happy but not necessarily because you caused it. I have a kid with bipolar 1 (initially with psychosis) and I spend my life saying these things! Yielding keeps the relationship in a good place. It tends to produce yielding on the other side as well. Thanks for putting it so well. I may use those exact words with the holiday coming !
