For parents not as close to adult children as they would like

[admmda]

Sometimes family members can be estranged even though they still physically see each other.

My mother had so much resentment for her own mother over perceived bad parenting/abandonment. She was raised in another culture in another time, and was left with nannies and family members while my grandparents traveled the world for my grandfather’s job.

My mom left that country in the 60s, emigrated to America, and eventually married my American dad. She would have loved to keep her mother at arm’s length (and oceans away) for the rest of her life, but a revolution and geopolitics changed those plans. My grandparents emigrated to the U.S. in the late 70s and ended up living out their last decades a block away from us.

My mother’s resentment towards her mother was visible to me every single day, but I was also treated to the guilt/obligation merry-go-round of “have you called your grandmother today?”. My mom wanted me to love her mother more than she ever could.

Needless to say, therapy was not well regarded on my mom’s side of the family but I have availed myself of its benefits and am more or less compassionate towards my mom and my grandmother. My grandmother passed two years ago at age 97 and I truly believe that she hung on so long partly to torture my mother. (Mom and grandma both feisty and formidable, of course)

There were many times growing that I thought to myself how my mother would have been much happier and less burdened if she had felt that going no-contact was an option. But with cultural considerations and other siblings/cousins/aunts to feel guilty about, she just gritted her teeth, rolled her eyes, and made snarky comments throughout every family gathering. Fun times!

[Leigh22]

Years ago, before I was as even married, an older coworker of mine would talk about how his father was a wonderful grandfather. He said it initially baffled him because he was a terrible father. But he was very supportive of the relationship and in time it allowed him to reach a peace within himself regarding his own childhood.

[1214mom]

I was with a group of people and telling a story about “my son who doesn’t talk to me.” Another person there was “impressed” for lack of a better word that I just said it, with little emotion, and she approached me to talk about estrangement from one of her kids. I’ve been dealing with it for years, but she’d just been dealing with it for several months at that time. She asked if we could have lunch or coffee to discuss, and now we are part of each other’s support system. It is hard.

[AustenNut]

@Leigh22

an older coworker of mine would talk about how his father was a wonderful grandfather. He said it initially baffled him because he was a terrible father. But he was very supportive of the relationship and in time it allowed him to reach a peace within himself regarding his own childhood.

This definitely rings some bells. My father used to say that he had kids because he wanted to be a grandfather. Sadly, he wasn’t as close to some of his grandchildren as he might have otherwise been, because there were definitely some issues in his parenting, and not all of my siblings wanted to be in relationship with him. But in seeing him with my own child, it was definitely a balm to me.

[MMRose]

My mother had a bad relationship with her mother but saw that my relationship with my grandmother was completely different and she supported it thoroughly. More kudos to her as she was only 22 when I was born. I think that shows a lot of emotional maturity on her part.

[MMRose]

At one point, my stepfather-who-raised me said some pretty awful things to me. He was also fairly newly re-married to a woman who totally resented me and wanted me out of the picture. (I was late 20s and married and lived 3000 miles away so not really much of a threat IMHO).

Anyway after a particularly awful phone conversation I said good bye and that I probably wasn’t going to be calling him again but that he was always welcome to call me.

That was 30 years ago. He doesn’t even know that I have children. I occasionally feel bad about this and wonder if that was an early instance of no-contact. I hadn’t really expected that I might never hear from him or see him again, but it looks like that might be the case. I didn’t reach out when I had kids because I was concerned about things he might say to them.

[momofboiler1]

My parents were fabulous grandparents to their grandchildren when they were young and the kids had a great relationship with them. My daughter and my mom were especially close as my mom came to all her recitals, games, shows, etc… and they would often watch her for the weekend and were always doing fun stuff with her. My dad would cook her anything she wanted, taught her to play cards and board games. My mom would take her on outings to the zoo, the beach, the amusement park, etc.. Frankly they were unrecognizable to how they were with me and my brother.

Problems started when my mom’s ALZ progressed and she could no longer drive and my dad was never a reliable driver because of his alcoholism. My father also lost control of his temper much too frequently, and when my daughter was a young teen, decided she was “old enough” to see him unleash whenever he felt like it. Needless to say, that’s when I set much stronger boundaries. Family dinners became family lunches, D stopped staying with them unattended, she was not allowed to be in the car with them, etc… I became the family driver going to pick up whomever wanted to come to whatever after school activity, the errand runner, caregiver, etc… We managed OKish until D was 17 and my mom’s condition really worsened and she went into memory care. The last two years of their lives, they were in FL and we were in IL. I got down to see them at least every other month and D got down a few times/year. They both died when she was 20 (mom during the start of Covid and my dad three months later).

D does a really good job of focusing on the happy memories and we try to foster that as much as possible. They loved her like crazy! Both said the grandkids were the best things that ever happened to them. I’m glad they felt that way and that my D has those good times to fall back on. I think that trumps some of the chaos she witnessed that happened despite my best efforts to shield her. The anger was also never directed at her…just me.

[sbinaz]

@Colorado_mom

xcellent article.

”I want to hear from the grandchild who never knew his/her grandparents, and what they miss.” - And important point. The grandparent relationship is so different from parenting. It’s sad that grandchildren are robbed of that opportunity.

this isn’t necessarily directly to @Colorado_mom but is a general answer to the quote above from the article…

We have a strained relationship w/my dad due to his choices, his behavior, things he’s said & done, and how he’s treated my kids & I in years past. Despite that, I’ve tried to keep an open door and he’s always been invited here to visit. But in 15 yr, has done so about 3 times. He went an 8 yr stretch without seeing his only grandchildren (my sibling doesn’t have kids).

The other grandfather (on my husband’s side) died before my kids were born.

So what have my kids missed from having a lackluster relationship with their grandfather?

• Sure, they’ve missed having the grandfather there for all of the fun school performances, dance recitals, attending kids’ sports events, choir concerts, and all that.
• In K and 1st grade, my older daughter’s school would have this big ‘grandparents’ day’ thing at school. Parents were not allowed to attend. It was done during the school day. And for kindergarten on the grandparents’ day thing, my daughter felt really sad and terrible about it because she was one of the few kids who didn’t have a grandparent there. The following year, I kept her home from school that day instead. Lied and said she was sick and I took her to McDonald’s.
• At older daughter’s high school graduation, my dad wasn’t there. He could have come, but chose not to. He did send a graduation gift, so we appreciated that. Almost everybody else graduating had an older relative there to support them. Daughter was a little sad about it, but my dad kind of has to be handled like you deal with a 5 yr old, so honestly, we all thought that him not being there ended up being easier because nobody had to babysit him and fawn all over him like he’d expect/demand. Instead, other close friends (who are honorary aunt & uncle) came and that meant the world to my kid.
• My kids missed out on baking cookies with grandparents, decorating cookies for Santa, having their grandfather there for their birthday parties, phone calls from their grandfather just to say hi, cards in the mail from their grandfather.
• My kids never had a grandparent who spoiled them like grandparents are often known to do. You know…buy them something special ‘just because.’ Ever. Even my deceased MIL wouldn’t do that. Ever. So instead, my sister filled in that role. My sister is really close with my kids. They have an amazing relationship.

Some of my older daughters’ friends, in the past, have said to her, “But he’s your grandfather! How can you not ___?” Then she gives a shortened version of her reasons. Usually the friends’ first reaction to that is something like, “What? Oh it can’t be THAT bad!” And then she gives 1 or 2 specific examples. And THEN the friends are like “Oh…wow…that IS pretty bad. I had no idea.”

When my kids encounter people who initially react that way, they don’t take it personally. They know that the other person is judging/reacting based on their own frame of reference.

Have my kids’ lives suffered because their grandfather didn’t engage with them? Not really. In fact, one could probably argue that because I didn’t force it, my kids have been able to develop a healthy sense of what it means to have boundaries with a really really toxic person. They’ve grown up in a household where it wasn’t considered normal for Grandpa to throw passive-aggressive jabs at everybody all the time, where it wasn’t considered normal for Grandpa to blow up & have temper tantrums with no consequences.

They grew up knowing that just because you’re related to somebody, doesn’t mean that you’re required to put up with toxic behavior.

They have healthy relationship with their friends, with other relatives, and with us. They’re not afraid to be assertive and speak up for their needs. They’re not afraid to set boundaries with somebody when it’s appropriate to do so. And they’re really really good at listening to their gut instinct about people.

I stopped the abusive generational cycle. My kids are emotionally healthy people.

But that’s our situation. Other people’s mileage may vary. Estrangement can happen for a lot of different reasons and everybody has a different path.

[Sweetgum]

@sbinaz

In K and 1st grade, my older daughter’s school would have this big ‘grandparents’ day’ thing at school. Parents were not allowed to attend. It was done during the school day. And for kindergarten on the grandparents’ day thing, my daughter felt really sad and terrible about it because she was one of the few kids who didn’t have a grandparent there. The following year, I kept her home from school that day instead. Lied and said she was sick and I took her to McDonald’s.

What a HORRIBLE school event! My parents died when my kids were little and my husband’s dad died before they were even born. They had one grandmother that they were close to, but there are plenty of kids who don’t have any grandparents. Was the school just trying to make kids dealing with loss (whether through estrangement, death, or distance) feel bad??!

[blossom]

We are regulars at Grandparents day in our area (other people’s children). A few schools have renamed it “Special Grownups Day”, mercifully. I am always sad for the kids with nobody there for them, but H and I make a “special” effort to volunteer when we have a neighbor or someone we know who is dealing with the “no grandparents around or alive” problem. And our “young friends” get a kick out of seeing us out of context….

[Sweetgum]

That sounds much better! Thank you for being there for the kids who need a kind older adult in their lives.

[Colorado_mom]

You give a good perspective demonstrating what I consider very reasonable grounds for resentment. Sounds like you were graciously tolerant and flexible with not much in return. It’s commendable that you’ve tried to keep the door open.

There are two sad cases I had in mind with earlier post. Both where grandparents are sweet people, just yearning for the grandparent gig. One is for a couple#1 that moved 1000 miles to keep employment during their kids’ college years. One of their kids liked them well enough to relocate near them after graduation. After marriage for some reason the new spouse did not like them…. they are 30 minutes away and have never met their grandchild. The other couple#2 I know much better, saw the love they gave during the childraising years. They did bond with grandchild in early years, until the young couple took offense at minor stuff (one example - gift not to their precise specifications)… started pulling away. Luckily this couple#2 has a lovely relationship with the other kid/in-law who later gave them more grandchildren.

[rockymtnhigh2]

I just finished reading the memoir ‘Educated’. OMG! about half way through the book I kept saying you have got to have no contact!

[sbinaz]

What made it worse was in 1st grade, I even asked the teacher ahead of time if an adult other than a grandparent could attend in the place of grandparents who couldn’t go in person. I was told no. Only grandparents. So I told the teacher then my kid is going to be absent that day.

We switched her to a different school the following year…that school didn’t do any of those things. I heard through the grapevine that the year AFTER my eldest was in 1st grade, they changed the rules so ANY adult could attend for the kid.

[garland]

When my kids were in elementary, they changed it to Senior Day. I think largely because a good friend of mine was very active in the Home and School Association, and both her and her husband’s parents were all deceased. So she was sensitive to that. Her sister-in-law who lived next door always came as the kids’ “Senior.” Her kids were older, so she was happy to be the accompanying aunt.

[gardenstategal]

My kid had a perfectly good relationship with all his grandparents, but the closest was an 8 hour drive away. And because he had 4 grands, there was really no need for another local senior to step in to fulfill a grandparent role. So on that day at his school, he didn’t have a special guest. All to say, a kid may not have a “senior” without having a sensitive family situation.

[threeofthree]

That almost makes no sense as many families move across the country and are nowhere near any grandparents.

[Colorado_mom]

Right. In our case, the one local grandparent was the type that would not participate. (She was a lovely grandmother, just not big on crowds and parking logistics.)

[tamagotchi]

Our kids’ elementary school had a grandparents’ day, but they allowed any adult to participate (including parents).

This was fortunate for us, because my mom is a plane ride away and doesn’t like to travel, both of my dads (long story) were different plane rides away, and although my husband’s parents lived nearby, the kids never wanted to hang out with them.

Even though H and I tried very hard to create a relationship between my kids and his parents, we were never able to overcome cultural differences. The grandparents really clung to their old country ways, and every interaction with the kids felt awkward and formal, with the expectation the kids would behave according to their rules. I think part of this was that H was an only child and his parents didn’t actually raise him (he lived with his grandmothers) so they had no experience with kids, and H didn’t really have experience with them as parents, either.

[LeastComplicated]

I had a relative step in when both I and my sister were camp fire girls and only had one dad to attend the Dad and daughters banquet with us. That was a problem because we both needed a partner to dance the traditional round of the Hokey Pokey! Apparently I made it clear that I was unhappy with the situation. My uncle got cajoled into being my stand in Dad, and I remember having such a good time with him!

I don’t remember having many really special memories of my childhood with my parents. They loved us, but we were poor, and they were tired all the time so I don’t have a long list of notable happy family memories like my Hokey Pokey banquet. But I did grow up with a close extended family and I appreciate that. I feel bad for my girls as we lived far away from our home towns and they didn’t get to bond with their family as often as I’d have liked. They were very loved by our parents (all now deceased) and other family members.

My oldest has gone no contact with me recently. Which makes me frustrated and sad because of the difference between her upbringing and mine. She’s always had a contentious relationship with me and has made it known from when she was in high school that she didn’t want us to live extremely close to her. Her sister was a devil in high school, but she got over that phase thank God, and is very attached to my husband and I. They were both adopted and have been affected by the trauma they endured while in China. They don’t realize it, but it’s always been as plain as day to me. But I always felt like we did a good job at parenting them and I have an overwhelmingly large amount of happy memories of raising them. Their lives were full of adventures and enriching experiences and we gave them more love and attention in one week, than our parents gave us in some of our years. For example, I was a gymnast for four years. My parents attended ONE of my meets. I was given $100 by my parents during the six years that I attended college. My husband got a second hand bowling ball for Christmas one time, lol.

Anyway, so my youngest recently graduated with a masters and got her dream job in California. My oldest got a temp job in MA after college and lived with her college friends, met a young man, became a wonderful teacher, and is now engaged to be married. She’s gregarious and has a good friend group.

Our youngest is very smart and capable, but is delayed socially/emotionally, and has anxiety about losing us among other things. We had misgivings about her moving all by herself across the country for her job, so we went with her to help her settle in for a few months. That set a bomb off in my oldest’s heart. She has always boasted about how independent she has always been (even when we were supporting her in college) and it became a trending topic the nearer my youngest got to graduation. She encouraged her to branch out from us, make new friends, etc. So us going to support our youngest as she was branching out was not in her sister’s playbook. So, hurt, because we all didn’t relocate to be near her after her sister graduated she decided to be mad and go no contact with me. Not anyone else but me. I’ve tried to reason with her but she twists everything I say. She is VERY angry.

I have been very depressed periodically for the past few months. I’ve come to terms with being patient and hoping she changes how she feels about the situation. Her sister is thriving and loves her job and is appreciated by her coworkers. Her boss has told her to expect a big raise in January. She leaves at 5:30 am and takes a commuter bus to work. She has a few work friends and bus buddies and comes home happy most days. She has gone out of state to work trainings. She pays all her bills. All of this on her own except for having one or both of us just sharing space with her (she was alone for three months this spring so the plan seems to be working).

It bothers me that her sister thinks she, a shy, insecure, 90 lb stick with a history of trauma, should have gone across the country to an unfamiliar big city to start her new life without any support. It is just unreasonable. But she had her own trauma too. And I can’t understand because I didn’t experience it.

Everyone has their own interpretation of their life experiences and has behaviors and feelings that are influenced by things they may not even remember. It’s just painful when the feelings and memories don’t mesh.