So difficult to navigate relationships with adult children, made more challenging when adding adoption and past trauma. It sounds like your older dd still has a relationship with her dad and sister which, while undoubtably painful to you, keeps her connected to your family. I hope 2026 brings connection and peace.
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I’m sorry, I know exactly how you feel. It’s hard for me not to say, “Are you bleeping kidding me? Your brother with SCHIZOPHRENIA is thankful for his childhood and appreciative of your dad and me. What’s your problem??” And it’s hard for me to even say, “We did our best…” which implies we actually didn’t do great. We were good parents. 
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I am so sorry! As you may recall, my daughter is also an adoptee, who appeared to be in pretty good emotional shape and great physical condition when we met when she was 23 months old. But of course it’s the ultimate rejection to be rejected by one’s parents, whatever the reason and no matter how loving the outcome.
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Thank you. My youngest was 9 months old and we were her fifth living environment: birth family, orphanage, two foster families, and then us. No wonder she’s so clingy! Our oldest, who was 14 months old, had several large unexplained scars and lead poisoning. She, however, was the happiest child!
I’ve done lots of reading about the one child policy. I’ve learned that China is/was divided into small living units where the party assigned certain residents different responsibilities. Apparently, one was an enforcer of the one child policy in each unit. But apparently there wasn’t consistent enforcement policies or oversight for these people. So some could be extremely lenient and some could be very cruel. The punishment for a second child was supposedly a hefty fine. I’ve read tho, that some took second children away from parents and placed them in orphanages (or possibly trafficked them). Other children met the worst fate of all.
When my girls got old enough to process hard truths, I told them that they may not have been abandoned and that their parents may have wanted them very much (even if abandoned, it was often the mother in law who insisted on abandonment as her cultural worth was dependent on a male grandson). I hoped that gave them at least a bit of comfort knowing that abandonment was not the only reason why they could have ended up in their orphanages. Still, either way, they lost their birth families.
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The government penalties included burning the family’s house down and penalizing the first child(ren) and extended families.
The one-child policy followed Mao’s Cultural Revolution, both crazy-making eras for the population. Living among many Chinese Americans, I have heard hair-raising first-person stories.
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I sympathize with anyone dealing with an estrangement with their child(ren). I can hardly think of anything more heart breaking.
What twoinanddone said resonated with me. This isn’t directed anyone and not placing blame on anyone. Just me thinking out loud. As hard as it is, I don’t think we parents should give advice to our adult children unless they ask. I don’t think we appreciated/would have appreciated if our parents did that to us.
We want our children to grow up to be independent, self-sufficient adults. But then we helicopter them as children (and even into adulthood). We tell them as children to be who they are, but then are disappointed when they aren’t what we envisioned/want. We tell them to use their words, but then don’t like what they say. (I know I am super simplifying.)
My spouse and I get along great with our parents. We joke that it is because they let us grow up to be adults (and treat us like adults), and that they have lives of their own so they don’t meddle in ours. But I do think there is truth in that. Or maybe it is because they were just happy to be empty nesters and enjoy the new chapter of their lives (my parents had 6 kids and my spouse was a tough kid to raise - lol.)
I have friends so ingrained in their kids’ lives that it is not healthy for any of them.
I am enjoying my relationships with my kids right now (25 and 27) with the friend zone getting bigger (but still always there as a parent if they need me). And my relationship with my parents the last couple of years have shifted with me now caring for them.
I certainly don’t have the magic answer - it is a delicate balancing act. I like the advice of others upstream - to listen, to not be defensive. Just because we remember something one way, doesn’t mean our kids felt it/experienced it the same way.
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I hate to think that we have to try and explain why a particular child or person chooses to step away from a relationship
I know parents who are helicoptering like crazy. Those kids are very attached to their parents. Ask them advice, the parents are also financially helping well into adulthood.
Other parents let their children do whatever they please, those children are close to their parents and it’s more of a friend than parent relationship. I have a former relative who try’s to involve her children into her contentious divorce. Pitting one parent against the former spouse. The kids are very close to that parent. Feel responsible for the mental health of their parents.
I raised my children to have independence professionally and financially. Am I to blame because they don’t call me to ask for advice for every situation? They have significant others to confide in.
I did the best I could raising my kids. I just get frustrated that there seems to be a need to find a reason.
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I do not need hugs, I do not need sympathy.
I have no idea why I am getting that response.
I am happy with my relationships with my kids. We have a good relationship, I love them, they love me. I just don’t need to be involved in their business all the time.
I was not responding to the thread in particular. I was responding to those in my real life who think their parenting style is the correct way
Also if my kids needed anything, money, emotional support, physical support, we are there. We will help in any way we can. No strings. You help those who need help. What I am talking about is support that comes with expectations.
I don’t want to offend anyone.
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I grew up in what I know now to be an enmeshed family. I have had to unlearn so many bad habits. My kids are 33 and 30 now, and I am working so hard to let them live their lives, but still want them to be safe. I learned of Jung’s statement in 2023: Jung famously stated, “Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other”.
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There is a huge difference between an adult child living their own independent life and depending on others and self above parents and an adult child who basically falls off the face of the earth. In the latter, how can one not seek answers? The cruelest cut of all is that an answer isn’t anlways available and this is what makes it so heart wrenching.
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We are in total agreement.
I just guess that I don’t want to blame those whose kids have cut off contact.
Searching for answers, yes. Trying to blame another because you don’t have that situation is what I’d like to avoid.
That’s all
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I remember my mom saying something to the effect that kids drift off in their twenties but come back - not as boomerangs, but as independent adults. Still connected, just in a more independent way.
My parents and in-laws have been amazing (I recognize it and am very thankful!) I think my MIL’s own MIL never felt shy about sharing her opinion with her DIL. lol And my MIL’s own mother used to say, “would like like to hear an observation?” before saying anything.
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I ran into an a long-time acquaintance at a breakfast yesterday. I asked how his kids were. He had not talked to his now 25 year old daughter in 6 years. The daughter cut off all contact with him, her step-mom (they married when daughter was about 4 and she used to call step-mother “mom”, her sister, and her step siblings (all close in age and all lived/raised together). He doesn’t even know where she lives. He is stymied.
I do recall hearing years ago that the daughter had long-standing issues - I think a lot about her mother’s death my suicide. I don’t know if this is in any way related to the current estrangement with her family. Just incredibly heartbreaking all around.
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Our Zoom appointment with the estrangement expert is tomorrow. I hope it’s helpful. I really do want to do whatever I need to in order to restore my relationship with my son. One of my main questions is how to respond when he reels off a bunch of accusations that seem ridiculous to me. He sure knows how to push my buttons.
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I have no answers. We raised two children-one is and has been very independent for years and the other one struggles. For privacy reasons I will not disclose more. Except that it is not what anyone wants, including that child.
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It took me a long time to realize that family members remember and experience the exact same event very very differently - and that all those experiences are valid - mine and theirs.
I would try to just listen the first meeting. You clearly love your kid very much, and everything you did or didn’t do was from a place of love and good intentions. And now you are doing so much to heal and repair your relationship. Hold on to that as you listen. I am sure the counselor knows that every story has many sides and estrangement is very complicated.
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Maybe reframe it ahead of time. He’s not pushing your buttons– he’s recounting how he perceives a situation after the fact.
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My best to your family. My daughter talked to my therapist (her husband talked to her too) and then backed off. This happened a couple of times. What therapist was allowed to share with me was very helpful. Kudos to your family for agreeing to zoom with the estrangement expert. I hope you can share some of the experience here. If not, of course, no worries.
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I do agree there are times the child is recounting his/her own perception of events, which is simply different than the parent’s perception. But sometimes the child’s accusations seem ridiculous because they are inaccurate or grossly exaggerated. When that is the case, the parent walks a fine line between apologizing in order to repair a rift and validating misrepresentations that allow a child to continue nursing wounds over things that simply did not happen.
It’s good that you’re getting professional help from someone with experience. I hope it helps!
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And both of those things can be true at the same time.
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