@MaineLonghorn , if I recall correctly, your child suffers from a serious mental health illness. I imagine this adds a whole other layer of complexity.
Hugs to all of you.
Deleted. I thought I scrolled back far enough to see whether it had been posted, but I didn’t scroll back far enough. Sorry, folks.
Someone posted this article earlier. One of the experts is the man that my husband and I will be speaking with tomorrow, to learn how to respond to our son during joint family counseling. It’s costing a large amount of money, but I think it’s worth it (I hope).
In answer to another post, the son who is estranged has ADHD. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was 16, but now the psychiatrist (who still treats my older son) thinks that was a mistake. But who knows? It’s my older son who has schizophrenia.
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I’m so sorry for folks who are experiencing this and wish all the best as they make peace and/or try to see what kind of relationship can be built.
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My brother was (maybe still is) very heavy handed with his sons when they were growing up. He had their whole lives planned out. There were a lot of expectations of the boys. In the last few years there have been a lot of tension and the boys were pulling away, now that they were able to. Kudos to my brother, he agreed to family therapy. As an Asian man, I don’t think it was easy for him to talk about his feelings, but his boys and family were important to him. My brother said it has not been easy, at times painful, but things are getting better. He said the therapy is still ongoing.
His adult kids are around 30, so kudos to them for wanting to fix the relationship. It’s never too late.
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Speaking of things that didn’t happen … years ago, I had my brother’s wife air her grievances (as of that date) about me, to me. One of them was that I had my brother in law (my late sister’s husband) ready to step in to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. My brother did walk me down, and there was never any question he would since I asked him when I got engaged a year earlier.
I told her that never happened, but to ease my mind I asked both my sister and BIL if I ever said anything like that to them, or that was even a plan. Wedding brain is a thing. They both emphatically said no.
So what do you do with that?
There were other things that were laughable (like I “called the shots” in the family as the youngest LOL) but I let her talk. I thought things were good, and starting fresh, but apparently I started sinning again. So I gave up, and she got to tell her daughter her version of me.
Oh well.
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Do you remember the time your SIL was making a Mother’s Day brunch and you casually asked “do you need me to bake or bring something?” and that meant you didn’t trust her to put out a nice spread? And she’s harbored that resentment for 30 years? No? Well SHE remembers!
We’ve all been there!!!
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My brother-in-law is estranged from us due to events that he thinks happened but did not. He is blaming my DH and me in particular for his poor relationship with his daughter. He keeps saying we have to “talk” but I think he only wants me to admit I did things I did not do (see the daughter with his ex behind his back) and take the blame. We am willing to hear him out and apologize for hurting him, but are not willing to admit to things I didn’t do just to appease him. Not sure where this is going to go, but it is painful to both of us and very hard to navigate. We are close to the rest of the family.
Good luck @MaineLonghorn. Hope the session goes well today.
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When my dad was in the hospital a couple years ago for triple bypass surgery, my SIL ( on H’s side) asked me if I was going to contact my brother. I said, “absolutely not”. She said she understood, but it made her sad ( she’s wonderful by the way). I have released myself of any responsibility for my brother after years of trying to keep contact and cultivate reconciliation. My parents have done the same. She asked me if I’d contact him if one of them were dying and again I said “absolutely not”, unless they asked me to do so.
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It’s been my experience that people that have very close relationships with their siblings see estrangement from a sibling as a loss. In my case (and all my friends that I grew up with attest to this), there is no loss as we were never close, thus their was no “relationship” to loose.
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DH and I had a good conversation with the expert (If anybody wants his name, send me a PM). He gave us some conciliatory language we can use with our son. He skimmed the very long letter DS wrote us. He said the extreme nature of some his complaints (physical abuse!) leads him to think there are some mental health issues. He also said, though, that it’s clear our son wants to repair the relationship so that’s a good sign.
He asked if we thought a letter to our son might help, and we said we thought so. So he drafted a letter and sent it last night. We will revise it so it sounds more like us.
The consultation fee includes a year of email support, so we think it’s worth it. He’s a very kind man. I’m glad DH agrees I made the right decision to retain him!
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My kid’s school called it “Grandparents and Special Friends Day,” many kids did have grandparents who would come, but a lot of kids brought aunts and uncles, godparents, close family friends, etc. I would say that after Kindergarten and First grade the amount of grandparents and special friends who attended would drop off quite a bit. The kids in upper elementary only had someone attend if it was their first year at the school. It was kind of accepted that the grandparents or special friends would attend once and that was it.
As for estrangement, I do know a few people who are estranged from their parents, but their parents were abusive or neglectful or in one case the parent has a mental illness and lives in their basement so they’ll be safe from the rapture.
I know someone whose daughter is no contact because her parents wouldn’t help her financially. But I know the family pretty well and the daughter pretty well, and she is pretty spoiled and a Daddy’s little princess. I was there once when she asked for something and her parents said no and she threw a fit (she was a teenager) and her parents finally capitulated. Everything in that family revolves around her. I hate to judge and I’m not saying I know everything, but in this case the estrangement seems to be due to a spoiled child.
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That sounds like good progress. Nice that you arranged some useful consultation.
Certainly we understand and believe that you were decent parents. Hopefully you can make peace with your son.
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That sounds like really positive news, @MaineLonghorn. 
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Thank you! I think so. Whatever happens, I know we’re trying our best.
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3.5 years ago my wife and her sister got into it. Long story short this will be the 4th Xmas we are traveling. I love it. 30 years of the same holidays that were boring. Now we get a break from the weather and don’t have to cook.
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My son suggested a counselor in Poland, but when I looked at her website there was no mention of “family therapy,” so I asked him if he look at three family therapists (recommended to me by the estrangement consultant, although I didn’t tell him that). He said sure, any of them looked fine, so I emailed one. Online, I read that she would provide a free 15-minute consultation. She got right back to me! Yay! She was trained by the expert. I’m very relieved we’ll have someone who knows what she’s doing. 
Not sure when we’ll start, probably next month.
I went to a Zoom session of the “Reconnection Club” today. Wow, so sad. A lot of mothers just like me, who are so sad. But at least my kid hasn’t cut off contact totally like a lot of adult children have.
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We have an appointment for the 15-minute consultation with the therapist next week. My goal will be to keep my mouth shut! If I open it, I might say something I’ll regret. 
I’ll let DH talk - he’s much better at staying calm.
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May you be at peace today @MaineLonghorn Today you are demonstrating through your actions, to your son, your love and care. May your son see your love and care today.
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Good luck @MaineLonghorn . My kids have mental health challenges (and other issues) and while they aren’t estranged I have just always tried to keep my foot in the door and keep it open. Seems to me like that is what you are doing. Hopefully with the door opened a crack with the family therapy your son will find his way back.
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