For people with no social life

Shadow07 · March 2, 2008, 11:53pm

(This thread is in response to the hundreds of threads on CC about how to make a social life in a difficult environment)

Look people, I’m about to write a mini novel right now, and then I’m not going to say another word. So listen up, and take it for what it’s worth. Also, keep in mind that this advice is coming from a kid who was picked on endlessly through all of elementary school until he was totally isolated with no friends in high school, but took an active role in changing the things he didn’t like about himself, until he became who he is today. What I’m trying to say is, I’m perfectly content with my social life now, which is why I feel in a position to give advice to others on the matter, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t in your shoes before. I was, and probably worse so. Well, here goes.

The first thing that I will say is that your social life ANYWHERE is what you make it. I know it sounds cliche, but trust me, it is SO true. Have you ever wondered why some people (we all have at least one friend like this) can go ANYWHERE, in ANY social setting, (be it school, work, church, a bar, roller skating rink, club… wherever!), and they always seem to have fun and be the life of the party?? Well that’s because they have learned the neccessary social skills to fit in with others and attract others with their positive attitudes and open-mindedness, having fun in their given social situations WITHOUT trying too hard. They act like themselves, and they always seem to be calm and collected. In social settings, they are cool and relaxed, and they are usually the ones to get invited to parties and other events.

Contrast this person with the stereotypical social outcast. You know, the loner type who openly declares that they have no friends, no social life, and generally complain that their life sucks. This person would be likely to put negative descriptive terms on their facebook ‘About Me’ such as: pessimistic, sardonic, mean-spirited, bigoted, etc. (I have seen it, I’m not making this up). As a result, these people’s lives are usually a self-fulfilling prophecy of the misery they portray to the rest of the world on a daily basis. In short, the more time these folks spend complaining that their social life sucks, the more that it actually does suck, and after you know it, all 4 years of their undergrad have passed them by. Whaddya know? They never went to a party? Oh well, they say, my school’s social life sucked.

NOPE! Not true. Folks, your answer starts within yourself. Whatever negative feelings you had about your school or the people who go there… (ie. “they’re antisocial”, “everyone’s already found their clique”, “they’re racist!”, etc.) throw those generalizations out the window. They may even have some truth to them, but the cold hard reality is that not everyone is the same where you go. No matter what, there is always going to be at least ONE friendly person at your school. All you had to do is find them. Or rather, just be yourself, and be person A (described above), and they will find you. Really, you don’t have to be that damn special to make a couple friends.

Look people, your social life in college is what you make it. I literally just transferred from my cushy LAC where I knew everyone and their momma (had my little clique and everything), to a school of 40,000 where I knew not a single person (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR!)… and already I have a solid social network. I say this not to brag, but to show that it’s doable. Granted, I’m sure there are people who transferred in this semester who know a lot more people than I do, they probably go to a lot more parties than me, hell, their friends are probably cooler! lol! But hey, in the end, I’m satisfied where I am, being me. That’s what you should aim for.

Be yourself. Be patient. Be openminded. Be self-aware (this is a big one; a lot of people with poor social skills are unable to see the image they are portraying to the rest of the world, whether it be walking around with a scowl 24/7, or just negative thoughts they say out loud). But most importantly, be a FRIEND. Others will be to you.

darvit · March 3, 2008, 12:38am

Lol why’d you just write that, to feel good about yourself?

Well we’re sure proud of you dude (or…girl).

fizix2 · March 3, 2008, 1:13am

…I feel like I just bought an award-winning bestseller and all of it was missing except the first and last chapters. O_O

And I agree with the person above me.

anon43256521 · March 3, 2008, 1:34am

all of your friends will eventually migrate into other social groups, or you will lose touch with them, or at very best you will have to watch them get older and die :(

IlikeDice · March 3, 2008, 1:43am

ITT: nothing original is said.

wraider2006 · March 3, 2008, 3:19am

Thanks for the awesome advice, Dr. Phil!

Shadow07 · March 3, 2008, 6:38am

Why did I write it? Let’s see… just in the last 2 weeks, how many threads have there been about “loneliness in college”??

WOW! Look at that, FIVE threads I stumbled upon in which college students are complaining about how lonely they are! …Why do I have to be “Dr. Phil” to give advice? And the fact that it’s coming from me MAKES it original, I didnt copy and paste this from some advice site, so I don’t know what the hell ILikeDice is talking about.

Whatever… you try to help people, and this is the response you get. Oh well, if you’re offended by what I wrote in the first post, deal with it. (Darvit). Maybe it doesn’t pertain to you, and thats fine. I never said that this pertains to every single poster on CC. But the vast majority of the people who do post in this forum make a lot of threads like the ones I noted… so maybe you’re set, but that doesn’t mean my advice is useless.

And for you to put me down after I spent 20 minutes of my life typing advice for others is plain unacceptable. Darvit especially, you seem like just the type of person who NEEDS this advice. You probably won’t admit it over the internet, but you honestly seem like someone who has no friends. Who does that?

hyperJulie · March 3, 2008, 8:40am

It’s not that people don’t think the advice in itself is legitimate, they just don’t seem to think you’re the first one to say it. Not to mention, the entire thing seems to drip with self-satisfaction. Don’t get defensive and abrasive because people aren’t impressed.

darvit · March 3, 2008, 8:59am

Aw, thanks for judging me based on one wall post.

Let’s see what you said.

“so, keep in mind that this advice is coming from a kid who was picked on endlessly through all of elementary school until he was totally isolated with no friends in high school”

Huh that’s weird, I wasn’t picked on in any school. I had friends in high school. In fact I had some of the most amazing friends I’ve ever had. And following your train of thought of people can make friends wherever they go, um yeah I have friends in college. I’m not the type of person to have 10 best friends or 50 ok friends, but sorry I do have friends…

1989DC · March 3, 2008, 9:08am

Your efforts made you look arrogant. You don’t deserve friends

Northstarmom · March 3, 2008, 11:21am

The problem with your post is that you patted yourself on the back about doing such a good job making friends in college, but you didn’t provide any real tips to help others.

1989DC · March 3, 2008, 11:27am

Okay, maybe the you dont deserve friends is harsh.

You might want to realize, are these your true friends? or are they people who want to hangout with you for company.

nontraditional · March 3, 2008, 11:54am

I hadn’t realized condescension was such a valuable social skill.

cewillm · March 3, 2008, 1:55pm

The problem with your post is that it doesn’t provide any new or insightful information/helps. Like the above poster showed, there is obviously a national problem of social isolation/loneliness in college. Instead of saying they are self-harmful people putting it on themselves, we need to provide better advice than “just go to a party/school orgamization/ask to sit with someone at lunch and everything’ll be okay.”

A lot of college kids might have social problems or self-issues that go far beyond “I’m lonely.” Trying to get help on College Confidential is a little silly, being somewhat of the described isolating person, I know that personal, face-to-face help and motivation is the only real way to pick up a social life at school. College Confidential is more of an anonymous outlet than a board for lonely kids looking for advice.

Northstarmom · March 3, 2008, 2:09pm

The OP’s post could have been helpful if he had provided specifics about what he was doing before college that caused him to lack friends, and how exactly his behavior changed in college so he could have friends.

This wasn’t very helpful because it was far too general: “Be yourself. Be patient. Be openminded. Be self-aware (this is a big one; a lot of people with poor social skills are unable to see the image they are portraying to the rest of the world, whether it be walking around with a scowl 24/7, or just negative thoughts they say out loud). But most importantly, be a FRIEND. Others will be to you.”

To me, the OP came across as just bragging, not helping.

And “be yourself” isn’t helpful advice if when one is being oneself, one doesn’t attract friends.

Shadow07 · March 3, 2008, 4:36pm

goodness. you people are too hard to please.

Rather than waste my life spending hours over some internet thread, I’m gonna go get some air and enjoy this beautiful day, while you all pick apart people’s opinions.

See ya later! :)

wraider2006 · March 3, 2008, 7:36pm

Yeah you go do that.

Transglobal_Spectacle · March 4, 2008, 2:40am

how about you give us examples of what you did

TimeCruncher · March 4, 2008, 5:24am

Shadow07: I agree with your advice one hundred percent. It is exactly the same advice I gave to myself when I was a college freshman, living away from home for the first time, and feeling scared and alone. It is exactly the same advice I have since given to my 18-year-old daughter, who has attended seven schools–including two high schools–in three different cities over the past twelve and a half years, and has had no problems making new friends. My daughter’s friends (both male and female) have been of different races, ethnicities, cultures, nationalities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and sexual orientations, and all have been nice people. When my daughter leaves home (and most likely leaves our state) for college this fall, she will once again be entering an environment where she will be a totally unfamiliar face; however, because she knows how to be herself, how to be patient, how to be open-minded, how to be self-aware, and–most important–how to be a friend, she will not have any problems making friends.

Your advice is sound, because it comes from personal experience. You were once in a socially isolated situation, and you figured out–all on your own–how to turn that situation around. I am shocked by the hostile responses your post has received, because it is clear to me that you empathize with those many students who post on CC complaining that they feel isolated, lonely, and miserable. Your post comes across to me as an expression of genuine concern for–not criticism of–those students. Those students would do well to heed your advice. The responders to your post who have criticized you as arrogant, condescending, and self-congratulatory are way off base. If you were my daughter’s classmate, I would want you to be her friend. If you were my son, I would be proud of you.

I commend your wisdom, your insight, your pragmatism, your maturity, and your willingness to express yourself in an honest, straightforward, no-nonsense manner. Keep writing!

Best wishes.

Shadow07 · March 4, 2008, 8:46am

I’m glad you see where I’m coming from TimeCruncher. It makes me want to keep writing, in spite of the naysayers who write me off as smug and arrogant. I mean, quite naturally, when you come from a spot as low as I do, and you do everything in your power to turn your situation around-- and it WORKS! --of course you’d be happy… it’s only common sense. Honestly, I feel that the people who are sitting here criticizing me and debating my every word aren’t that happy with their lives… Why else would you cut up a total stranger on the internet?

And speaking of total strangers, I’m going to continue on that topic as my first example of EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

1~Interactions with Strangers

Friendships all begin with how you interact with people you don’t know. Everybody enters this world knowing nobody except their family. The people that you meet along the way and that eventually become your friends all start off as strangers. Think about the friends you currently have. You most likely made a good impression when you met them, otherwise they probably wouldn’t think highly enough of you to pick up the phone to call, or to hang out with you. During your first couple of meetings, you probably came across as a cool person. After a while, that person began to see you as a friend, and you them.

Now apply this model on a larger scale. Not just when you feel like being friendly once in a while, but make it your mission to be as friendly as possible ALL THE TIME, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever’s around, whoever’s watching. And you do this NOT to make friends, but just because it’s the right thing to do, and it’s a great way to live your life. (Note, I’m not telling anyone how to live their life, I’m just giving a suggestion for people who see that something in their social life isn’t working, they might want to make a change). For example, if you’re walking down the street, and you see someone coming from the other direction, instead of avoiding eye contact and making the situation awkward, try doing this: SMILE!

Developing a GENUINE smile is a great idea for several reasons: It communicates confidence (shows that you are comfortable in your own skin), it’s a great icebreaker (sometimes a smile is all that’s necessary for a passerby to start a conversation with you), and it’s sure as hell better than ignoring somebody you could be great friends with! or worse yet, frowning! (I’ve seen this happen… and then people wonder why nobody likes them and they have nobody to eat lunch with.) Don’t be the guy who frowns all the time. It’s ugly and won’t get you a lot of pals. Smile! :)

Another technique you can do when first meeting someone is building rapport. Rapport is golden because it makes it easier for two people to get closer; they have realized that they have stuff in common. Rapport can be as simple as an acknowledgment of similar interests, shared inside jokes, or funny nicknames. When it comes to finding similar interests, it’s simple: ASK QUESTIONS! And when you are ASKED questions, take enough pride in yourself to give more than a one word answer. I can’t stand when I’m meeting somebody for the first time, and I show a lot of interest in getting to know them, asking them questions like, “What kind of music are you into?”, or “What did you do for Spring Break?” or, “What career do you see yourself going into?” (you know, OPEN-ENDED questions that should lead the other person to really open up to you)… only for the person to respond with a yes or no answer. That’s pretty unacceptable, and it shows that you weren’t listening. It’s a major turnoff, and you sure as hell won’t find a partner doing that kind of stuff. Point is, don’t be that guy. In friendships and relationships, you have to listen to what the other person is saying, and respond accordingly.

So there you have it folks. Two simple techniques for making friends with people you have never met before: smiling, and actively seeking rapport. I’m sure there’s a million other things I could add right now, and I probably will, but I got some stuff to do.

Part two coming up soon! Stay tuned. :)

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