<p>Romani, I feel the same way about it as you do. My name has been mine for 20-odd years and I like it and I’m used to it, so why would I change it? I have zero plans to change it if I get married, and my mother also kept her maiden name</p>
<p>I have a friend whose brother and his wife made up a new name combining both of theirs. I didn’t mind the idea, but these particular names didn’t make for a pleasant combination, IMO.</p>
<p>I think you should do whatever makes you happy! I took my husband’s name 24 years ago and I still have a hyphenated name since his family name is hypenated. Both D’s love their last name although it is a hassle sometimes on forms. </p>
<p>I think the takeaway here is that MIL’s tend to be a problem. 
Do keep in mind, however, that doing something in order to appease the MIL in this situation will have no bearing whatsoever on every other situation where MIL has an opinion that differs from yours. The better course of action is to simply smile and nod when MIL is around… and do whatever you want. </p>
<p>LOL. That’s been my general course of action, calmom. She often tries to get my fiance to go do something away from us when we go over so that she can essentially corner me about this. She used to openly complain about it when we were doing something as benign as playing cards together with the family. </p>
<p>Oh well. If our only hurdle so far is his mother, I think we’re doing pretty well for ourselves 
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<p>Good attitude, romani. Remind yourself of this attitude in five or so years.</p>
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<p>But the children might and that is what I was addressing. Naming children is important. It affects how they are treated by other children and even adults. It’s nothing something that should be discarded with a whim.</p>
<p>Who said any of these choices was a made on a whim? We get that you don’t approve, razorsharp, but just because you don’t doesn’t mean that any of these decisions was a bad one.</p>
<p>I didn’t change my name, never a problem. I got married in my 30’s (25 years ago tomorrow!), so I didn’t see the point of changing. I like my name, my middle name has family significance so I wanted to keep it visible, and it always really bothered me to see articles and obituaries referring to the “former” Jane Doe, as if one’s maiden name was attached to a different person altogether.</p>
<p>Our kids have H’s last name; one has my last name for a middle name. So I get called Mrs. H’s-last-name sometimes, but that doesn’t bother me; I know who they mean! And like you mentioned, when we’re together hotels and stores and such might use the wrong name for one of us. No big deal. There are so many divorced and/or blended families, and cohabiting couples with kids (and I’m in a same-sex marriage state, too), that most forms and databases allow for separate names now, although 25 years ago that wasn’t always the case.</p>
<p>Living on the liberal east coast, I know a lot of dual-name couples, so it was never an issue. (I did, however, have people question why I did not have an engagement ring!) A few older people commented in the beginning, but never now. Oddly, like Cardinal Fang, the only person to give me grief was my own mother (who despite being divorced and having a new partner for many years, still uses her married name). She really, really likes my husband, and was worried that he would be upset (he wasn’t) or maybe leave me. For a few years, she actually addressed things to me using his last name–she said it “confused” her to keep using the name she had used for me for 30+ years! Eventually she got over it. My mother in law–who has the more conservative background–had no problem.</p>
<p>Can Mr. Romani talk to his mother and ask her to back off? Then you could say, “I understand your position, your son can explain ours.” Smile and nod. The important thing is the marriage, not what you decide about names.</p>
<p>buenavista, the happiest of congratulations on your anniversary tomorrow :)</p>
<p>He has explained it to her and for the most part, she now just makes snippy little comments about it rather than addresses it directly. For the most part, we now just have a standard response of “We understand how you feel, but this is our choice.” Then father-in-law usually steps in and says something along the lines of “as long as you guys are happy, I’m happy” and we move on. </p>
<p>Fwiw, this decision was not made on a whim of any sort. I made the decision long before my fiance and I started dating. </p>
<p>ETA: I should also mention that the MIL issue is deeper than the name thing. My fiance’s brother is getting married just a few short weeks after us and my future sister in law is also not taking their last name. AFAIK, MIL has not made a peep about it to her but MIL found out about my decision first and future sister in law is the “correct” religion and dating the favorite so she gets much more leeway than I do. I’m essentially marrying the black sheep of the family and I am the antithesis of what she would’ve chosen for her sons. </p>
<p>I changed my name for my first very short-lived marriage and regretted it from day one. Didn’t change my name for the second marriage and my husband didn’t change his either. It made MIL nuts but no one else cared. When people asked why I didn’t change my name, I told them it was because I enjoyed confusing people, then smiled. Kids got my last name as middle name and his last name as surname. </p>
<p>MIL sent regular monogrammed gifts with our “correct” last initial. Glasses, silver tray, initial pin, sweaters. It infuriated me at the time but amuses me in retrospect when I stumble across one of them. She died about ten years into our marriage and DH’s father (my FIL) remarried less than a year later to a woman who didn’t change her name. </p>
<p>I will have been married for 28 years this coming Sunday. I took my husband’s name, and quickly realized I wished I had kept my birth name. I decided to legally change my name back to my birth name after one year of marriage. When I told my husband, he asked if I was trying to tell him something but was fine with my decision. We have one son and have never had any problems with forms or traveling, etc.</p>
<p>I kept my name and never had any hassle. A few minor mistakes made by other people addressing me. I DID use my husband’s last name with my kids’ friends when they were younger. It was easier if they called me, “Mrs. Jones” than use my last name, in that case. Other than that, never had a problem. I’m so happy I did keep my own last name. The way I saw it was I was changing my status, not my identity. My husband was always fine with it. </p>
<p>Thanks, romani! Maybe you could take dmd77’s approach and joke about it? If you’re really not what she wants in a daughter in law (clearly she has no taste!), tell her you’re just making things easier for the day when your marriage breaks up!</p>
<p>I’m just so surprised that this is still an issue today. We are coming up on our 25th anniversary. Way back in the olden days I decided to keep my name. H had a momentary odd cross his face when I told him, and that was the end of that. It’s not been a problem or concern. My last name is difficult to pronounce - that whole Slavic fear of vowels and all. I enjoy torturing telemarketers.</p>
<p>MIL addresses correspondences with the title “Mrs. H’s last name.” The kid’s have H’s last name and as such I’m sometimes addressed as Mrs. H’s last name by their friends. </p>
<p>On thing I suggest is giving your last name as a second middle name to any potential future little Romani’s. (assuming the mini-Romani’s are getting dad’s last name). This way your name is on their passport and hopefully it avoids any problems which may crop up when attempting to take kids with a whole different name out of the country.</p>
<p>I kept my name have nearly all of my Baby Boomer friends. For one, I wanted to show my ethnicity. When DD was born, she was to have my last name as her middle name and her dad’s last name as her last name – which is the Filipino tradition. Unfortunately, I entrusted the birth certificate registration to DH, and she ended up with both of our last names (unhyphenated) as her last name. For most of her schooling, she used her dad’s name as her last name. Then by sophomore year in high school, she decided to use both as her last name. In college, she decided to use her full Japanese first name, and her full Japanese and Filipino last name. Ethnic pride is fine, just a bit long!!! I pity the poor person my age who may have to read that full name on a business card in the tiny print required to fit in all 24 letters + spaces!</p>
<p>No problems with not changing my name. For the important official things, you would have to show your marriage certificate anyway. </p>
<p>dietz, Jr Romanis are getting MyLastName-HisLastName 
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<p>I, too, was really surprised by the reactions I got. It never, ever occurred to me that this would be an issue. I live around very live and let live people. </p>
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<p>That made me laugh out loud. My mom’s maiden name is Hungarian and we consider it extremely easy to pronounce… no one agrees with us. It’s only 5 letters but for whatever reason, people just do NOT get it. It literally is pronounced exactly like it looks. Ah well. </p>
<p>Also, the ethnic pride thing is funny. While I have an Irish O’Irish name and he has a German German name, when we got our 23andMe results back, he was WAY more Irish than me and I was WAY more German than he was. You have to go back several generations to get to my Irish roots, I just happen to have a very Irish name. OTOH, my grandmother is a German immigrant. </p>
<p>The Irish blood brought up quite a few questions in his family as he was taught that 3 out of 4 of his grandparents were 100% German. Whoops… </p>
<p>Did not change my name. Gave the kids their dads last name as he was the only male in his family to carry it on.</p>
<p>Problems: </p>
<p>Anyone doing paperwork for you will screw it up no matter how may times you tell them your names.
I had two files at the dr.'s office for awhile. The vet has the pets under one of our last names…I still don’t remember which one. Utilities under one name and some under another. Ugh…</p>
<p>Question for those who went through divorces: even if the mortgage is in both names is it truly only the first person listed that matters? I had a friend tell me this happened to her.</p>
<p>Funny story: </p>
<p>Apparently I was the talk of the elementary school for awhile. People were remarking how I treated the kids as though they were my own and how wonderful it was. Well yeah…they were my own. </p>
<p>Kids never had a problem that I know of. Ask any teacher. Having different last names is very common. Kids don’t think too much about it anymore.</p>
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<p>Naming is important for humans. This is clear from thousands of years of human history. Identity is important for humans as is evidenced from thousands and thousands of psychological studies, observations, and just plan common sense. Family identify is important for many many people. Who is my mother, who is my father, who is my brother, who is my sister are questions of major significance to most humans. Children put up for adoption will often go to extremes to find their birth parents even though they are living with parents who care for them. They are often pursuing their identify and their family identify. </p>
<p>When a parent takes an action that undermines a family’s identity it is not “bad” it simply is not helpful to the children. Giving boys the father’s last name and girl’s the mother’s last name undermines the children’s identify as a family and should be avoided. Maybe the children will get used to it but they will endure endless questions from their peers asking is “so and so you real brother/sister.” Why put your children through that? There is no reason to do so that benefits the children.</p>