<p>I hyphenated my new last name when I got married 35 years ago. I wanted to keep my last name, but DH was getting a lot of flak from his very traditional mother and putting pressure on me to just take their last name. Hyphenating was a compromise. To this day I wished I’d kept my name. </p>
<p>Although I Introduce myself by my hyphenated name, I’m frequently called Mrs DHlastname. My sons have DH’s last name. </p>
<p>S1 is getting married and FDIL is keeping her last name, with my encouragement and blessing.</p>
<p>SIL took my brother’s name. Just before they got married, my mom asked her “Why? What if you get divorced?” Great MIL, right? And she doesn’t like it b/c SIL is not Japanese, she’s white. Pretty racist, huh? Yet despite all that $h!t, SIL is so nice and good to my mom that she gets a special place in heaven.</p>
<p>Enduring nosy questions from your peers is a given during childhood, whether you have the same surname as both parents down to the last dot of every “i” or not. “Is so and so your real brother?” - what does that even mean? Are half-brothers or stepbrothers less real? I think kids know pretty clearly who daddy, mommy, and brothers/sisters are long before they even understand the concept of a surname.</p>
<p>I kept my name when we married 35 years ago and haven’t had any bureaucratic problems. Our kids have a pretty firm grasp on their identities, too. @romanigypsyeyes, I do have a suggestion for you about your MIL. My husband’s mother was the only person who ever objected to my keeping the name I was born with, and it seemed for a while as if she couldn’t let it go. One day I said to her, “I hope you don’t think I didn’t take your name because I’m not proud to be part of your family - I kept my name because I’m just as proud to be part of my family.” She really seemed to get that and it’s never been an issue between us again. Good luck.</p>
<p>When my two sons got engaged I was absolutely thrilled. I loved both the girls and would have been excited no matter what names they chose to have. The first one took our last name and the second used her maiden last name as a middle name and our last name. They both have kids now so the babies have our last name. As much as I loved them and still do I was really happy that they were committed enough to making their little family ONE family that I was both surprised and happy that they did it. Had they not, I would have not said a word and still accepted them 100% but I was glad nonetheless.</p>
<p>I too think that your relationship with your MIL is more than just what last name you take. Do what is important to you and let her deal with it.</p>
<p>It was never a problem to my MIL. She was initially concerned that I went to work and not saying home the children when they were younger but that was never a problem in the long run.
However, I don’t mind when other people call me by my husband’s last name either. Nothing bothers me in the name department.</p>
<p>Like many other posters here, I was married in the late 70’s and never changed my name. Actually I hardly knew anyone who married and changed their name back then. It seemed like too much of a hassle actually to change your license, passport and credit cards. I was getting somewhat known professionally with my maiden name so why bother? It has never been a problem. My daughters have my husband’s name as their last name, I hyphenate my name for tax purposes and I do have credit cards with my married name. For school, I always identified myself as a hyphenated name and when leaving calls in which someone at school needed to return my call, I would say … this is “x” calling about whatever and if returning a call at my office, my voice mail will answer to “y”. It was never a problem. The only attitude issue I ever encountered was initially when I thought about using my hyphenated name on my passport and the person I spoke with at the U.S. Passport Office then in Rockefeller Center gave me an issue, and so I never bothered. Only time I can recall having an issue is about 15 years ago I had a minor surgical procedure that was overnight stay and a bit of confusion about my name for DH in locating the room I was brought to after the procedure.</p>
<p>I got married at 22 and I’d always known that I didn’t want to change my name. (Will be married 30 years next month!) My husband was fine with it, my in-laws were perplexed, but they were respectful about it. My Mom gave me all sorts of weird flak about it “What will I call you?” “How will I order monogrammed towels for you?” (As if our family had ever had monogrammed towels before!) She’s fine with it now, and I think is secretly pleased that I “kept the family name”. </p>
<p>Our kids have my last name as their middle name (it’s gender neutral and quite simple ), and their dad’s last name as their last name.</p>
<p>When I was younger, I actually had some young men my age question me (antagonistically) as to why I didn’t want to take my husband’s name, suggesting that it implied that I wasn’t really committed to my husband, or that I was just “making a statement”. </p>
<p>What I always wanted to ask them (but was never brave enough to say), was whether THEY would ever consider changing their name when they got married. I suspect their response would have been an incredulous – “No – it’s my name – why would I want to change it?!!” Which, of course, was exactly how I felt. : )</p>
<p>I used to make a point of correcting my kids’ friends when they would call me Mrs. Husband’s Last Name, but there were so many kids who couldn’t remember, that I just started answering to whatever they called me. (Although I admit I’m especially fond of the few kids that actually learned my real name and use it – I love that they make the effort!) </p>
<p>I’m happy that I kept my name. It wouldn’t have felt like “me” if I’d changed it. : )</p>
<p>Happy 25th buenavista! Our 25th is next week. </p>
<p>I have a friend who didn’t change her last name because she married a guy who has the same one! And not a very common last name, either. They could have passed for brother and sister, too. </p>
<p>Of course, your grandchildren could end up being labeled with 4 last names strung together if your hyphenated-name child marries another hyphenated-named child and they decide to hyphenate their child’s last name like you did… </p>
<p>I kept my maiden name as a middle name, which causes complications and an AKA when I fill out background check applications. My moonlighting employer uses my maiden name as the beginning of my “last name”, using mine and my husband’s (my legal last name) without a hyphen. My driver’s license uses the maiden name spelled out and then my last name. And the IRS knows me as first name/initial of middle name from birth/initial of maiden name/last name from marriage.</p>
<p>My sister kept her maiden name and her daughter had her father’s (BIL) last name. My sister got upset about being thought of as a single parent, especially after my BIL died when their daughter was 6; she felt the need to keep pointing out that she was widowed. </p>
<p>We did discuss picking a neutral third name. But didn’t pursue it. Also, when I was divorced after 23 years of marriage, there was no hassle because my name had never changed… my divorced friends have wrestled with the issue of what to do about their last names. Not saying that will be you, of course, but it DOES happen.</p>
<p>My new DIL has a beautiful and unique name. It’s easy to pronounce and is probably the only combination of first and last names in the US. I encouraged her to keep it, but alas, she took my DS’s rather common name. I think it is important to her that it not appear that they are “shacking up”. Sigh.</p>
<p>Lol at “shacking up”. I don’t even think that’s a term my fiance’s conservative family uses. </p>
<p>intparent, I’m a realist about divorces and whatnot. That’s not to say I’m going into this marriage with expectations of divorce, but I’m not one of those super romantic “WUV TWUE WUV” people either. </p>
<p>KKmama, that is a possibility, but I don’t think it’ll happen. If it does, we’ll be like royalty </p>
<p>I’ve been married 30 years and kept my name. I’ve never had a problem – not a single one. My daughter has my husband’s last name, and no one has ever been confused. </p>
<p>One amusing benefit: I always know when it’s a telemarketer on the phone when the caller calls me “Mrs. Husband’s Name.” Of course, romani, you may never have a landline, so that might not be an issue for you.</p>
<p>Frankly, I’ve never understood why a woman should give up the name she’s had for decades just because she’s gotten married. </p>
<p>fireandrain, nope we don’t have a landline but we do get donation requests from our alma mater on my cell phone. I make donations but everything is addressed to both of us- the thank you cards, the further solicitations, etc. It’s strange, IMO, that they address it to both of us without any indication that we’re a couple. Alumni magazines or something would be one thing, but donation thank yous are another. </p>
<p>I was, unfortunately, rude to my son’s elementary school Japanese teacher when she called the house once and asked for Mrs. H. I was SURE it was a junk call, I did some fast back-pedaling. </p>
<p>When I married in the mid 1980s, I kept my middle name and took H’s last name for legal docs, but kept practicing under my maiden name which was fine. Once we started having kids enter school, I went around and changed everything so that it was all consistent and switched to practicing under my legal married name, using H’s last name. Both kids have H’s last name as well. It was just easier. The tellers and everyone was a bit surprised when I sheepishly converted things and thought I was a newlywed but I admitted I was changing things for MY convenience.</p>
<p>It has been fine having things with H’s last name for us, especially when dealing with schools. Many women I know kept their maiden names after they married, but will answer to whichever name they are called–Mrs. H’s last name or their correct name. </p>
<p>My secretary and her H had hyphenated names when they married–Mr. & Mrs. W’s last name-H’s last name. It made their names pretty long for some forms. My friend made her H’s name her middle name and kept her last name when she married. The kids both had H’s last name. She didn’t mention having any problems.</p>
<p>I agree that the bigger problem seems to be figuring out how to have a peaceful existence with your in-laws, especially MIL/FIL. It really will make your spouse happier (and your marriage easier) if there is less friction and you and your in-laws can figure out how to peacefully co-exist rather than having a lot of strife.</p>
<p>Neither my husband nor I changed our names and we chose to hyphenate our son’s last names. We live in a fairly traditional (old fashioned?) area and many of my coworkers seem baffled by the fact that my husband and I don’t have the same last name. I generally make a joke about it. My name would have been quite silly (my first and his last name rhyme) if I had taken his name, though that didn’t come into play in our decision. It truly was a decision we made together. We figured either we both changed our name (hyphenate) or no one did. In the end laziness won and neither of us did anything. </p>
<p>Even though we live in a conservative are I’ve never had any issue with banks or doctors or anything. I generally give my name and then say I am my husbands wife and that is that. I get lectured every now and again that we hyphenated the kids names in the wrong order (to my knowledge their aren’t any laws about name order but many people think there). I really liked it when my son’s friends called me Mrs Hyphenated name. It felt like a cute nick name even if they didn’t mean it that way. My sons complained a little when they were learning to write their names because their last name was 11 letters long but they’ve come to appreciate their unique names.</p>
<p>It does appear that keeping ones own name is less common these days than 25-30 years ago. Do what feels right for you and the new family that you are building with your husband to be. </p>
But didn’t pursue it. Also, when I was divorced after 23 years of marriage, there was no hassle because my name had never changed… my divorced friends have wrestled with the issue of what to do about their last names. Not saying that will be you, of course, but it DOES happen.</p>
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