<p>I’m afraid this is a long saga, but I’ll try to stick to the facts. After seven years in our school district’s band program, my son is being forced out over date conflicts between the MIT CPW and a band contest. He was told (among other uncalled-for things) that if he missed the contest for this he would fail band. The principal said THAT wasn’t happening, and offered him a “job” in the counselor’s office for the rest of the school year. Everybody’s happy…</p>
<p>Not really. Our son is concerned about the other 11 people in his ensemble that are scheduled to compete at the state level the weekend after graduation (we had cancelled our vacation plans for this). I’m also thinking about all the fun end-of-senior-year band activities that he will miss with his longtime friends. </p>
<p>We do of course understand that a band director has many difficult decisions to make, and that he has to have personnel to keep a band running, but it seems to me that if he wants top kids in his small-school program, he needs to understand that they will have other commitments. There is another student missing this event to visit her dream school who is not receiving the same treatment. Our son has unfortunately had two other conflicts in the past four years which have not endeared him to the band director. </p>
<p>While we are sorry about the coincidence, these were also pretty unavoidable. Our son is also a bagpiper, and being the only one in our area, he is sometimes called upon for special duties. One conflict involved playing for his friend and bagpipe teacher’s funeral. The other was a wedding for which he had been engaged six months earlier. Three month prior to the contest, its date was changed to accomodate another school conflict. Our son refused to cancel out on the wedding because he had given his word, and accepted some pretty stiff penalties for that (grade reduction and getting kicked out of a planned band trip).</p>
<p>Here is the text of the message he wrote the director:
“When I was with *** yesterday, that got me thinking about what conflicts I might have. I’m afraid that the MIT preview weekend starts on April 7. I can’t tell you how much I wish this was on a different day, but I must go on this trip to see if MIT is where I want to go to college. I know it seems like I’m putting you off on everything we’ve been doing, but I’d like to point out something. I missed the marching contest because I thought it was my moral responsibility to. I will miss our concert because the future of the rest of my life depends on it. I will not miss state Solo and Ensemble because the alternative would merely be a fun activity. My father has had to cancel an entire week of our vacation because I think it is my moral responsibility to. I wish there was some other way to work this out. I will be at school a little early on Wednesday to work out what you want to do.”</p>
<p>When he went in to talk the next day, the band director told him he could “barely talk because he was so angry,” among other things. We are pretty disgusted that our hard-working, ethical son is being treated in this way. So–parents, would you pursue this or let it drop?</p>
<p>I hope the band director cools off over the weekend, in which case you can let it drop. If he continues to berate your son over this, I would suggest talking to the principal. Your son has his priorities straight; the band director does not. The band director is putting his own ego above the needs of the students.</p>
<p>Congrats on the MIT acceptance. If he comes to Cambridge, he can play his bagpipe in Harvard Square. No need for a full band!</p>
<p>This is just my opinion, but does your son have to visit MIT on preview weekend? Couldn’t you make arrangements for him to see MIT another time? My D’s college also held an admitted students’ weekend, but she did not attend. We visited on our own, and I know a lot of other students who eventually attended did the same. Also, sometimes an official preview is like a “dog and pony show” that doesn’t accurately reflect college life, so it could be better to choose a different weekend. </p>
<p>Frankly, your son made a commitment to the other members of his band. At this point, if there are options for visiting MIT at another time, I would encourage him to attend the band contest.</p>
<p>Please know that this is just my opinion. You, of course, must make the decision that is right for your family.</p>
<p>" hope the band director cools off over the weekend, in which case you can let it drop. If he continues to berate your son over this, I would suggest talking to the principal. Your son has his priorities straight; the band director does not. The band director is putting his own ego above the needs of the students."</p>
<p>I agree. I also think that since there’s a preview weekend, it would be appropriate for your son to visit MIT then, not go at another time. I know that some students prefer to visit colleges at a more “normal” time, but there also are very good reasons that students figuring out their college decisions wish to visit during the preview weekends.</p>
<p>If the band director refuses to reconsider, at least your son can be comforted by the fact that he’s unlikely to encounter in college a band director so narrow minded and rigid.</p>
<p>Congrats to your son on his MIT offer, and best wishes for college success. I think that your son’s letter to the band director showed remarkable thoughtfulness and maturity.</p>
<p>I disagree. Your son made a commitment to band. The MIT preview weekend is for fun. If he really wants to attend MIT few days of not going there is not going to hurt him, but it will hurt his band.</p>
<p>My son is going to give up his all expense paid trip to a college for the same reason.</p>
<p>My older S was accepted to two colleges whose preview weekends coincided. He went to one and made arrangements to visit the other at a different time. It took a lot of arranging on the part of the admission office (for example, getting a student to host my S). It can be much better seeing a campus at a more normal time. It can also be more convenient to visit during preview weekend. For example, I would assume department heads will have been asked to set aside time to talk to prospective students, profs will expects prospies to sit in their classes, etc…So, in practical terms, it is up to your son to decide when to visit MIT. I just react badly to the band director’s attitude. He could have just sat down with your son and explore options and asked him to consider visiting MIT at another time instead of acting so boorishly. I also wonder why the other student not given the same treatment?</p>
<p>It seems*like this is more than just an issue with the MIT weekend. There is a problem with the band director, clearly. But my son was in a play this year, and because of the weather the performance dates were switched, causing a conflict with a scholarship interview. There was no understudy and he had the title role, so he had to cancel the scholarship interview and request another time if possible. He did get another interview but it was not before the committee since it is not going to reconvene just for him. I’m sure it compromised his position, but what do you do? We have run into this issue so many times since our kids do so many different things. THe Juilliard audtions came at the worst possible times for his wrestling finals. He literally dashed out into a waiting car to be driven to the arena,minutes before his match–and did terribly, the worse ever that day. I cannot begin to tell the people we have dissed and the commitments compromised when choices had to be made. Though I think this band director deserves a swift kick in the pants, I feel that the MIT weekend has more flex than a lot of other conflicts we have faced.</p>
<p>My son has been in similar situations with the band. He’s the first chair trumpet and counted on heavily to carry the section. I have found most band directors, however good musically, to be over-reactive when the students put ANYTHING else before that band. Including academics. Like you said, if you were able to maturely work something out with them, instead of the display of temper… Ah, the horrible marching band days. Heavy uniforms, gloves, hats, marching in 95 degree heat for hours. Then, he’d get furious at band parents who were trying to help kids that were dropping like flies from the heat, saying we were “babying them”!</p>
<p>We have encountered similar issues. When My D was part of a ballet company, she was under a contract. She was not to miss any rehearsals, let alone performances, without an urgent reason. The rehearsal schedule was only posted midweek before the rehearsal weekends, so we could not make any family plans until then. An acceptable excuse for missing a rehearsal would be being a member of a wedding party, but not being a wedding guest, for example. (I think the ONLY acceptable excuse for missing a performance would be death!) What a relief it was to be able to plan family weekends once she left the ballet company!</p>
<p>In high school band, it was made clear that college trips were not an acceptable excuse for missing an event, EVEN for playing at a local football game. I couldn’t argue with that as the band director spelled all this out in advance, and both parents and student needed to sign an agreement that outlined the expectations and responsibilities.</p>
<p>I have seen how very hard our music directors work at our high school to produce a strong program. I guess I feel if they are honest about what is required, kids may need to either commit or take the consequences. We don’t always know the backstory. It is possible the band director feels he needs a “win” at a competition to secure funding for the program from the school district for following years. So for a strong kid to not participate in a competition, it could result in lots of kids missing out in the future. (This is not fair, I know, but there may be some reason the director is so stressed over this.)</p>
<p>I certainly agree that your band director was not as emotionally intelligent as I would have hoped in how he reacted. But I do see both sides of this story.
I do not know what requirements were made clear in advance. But I do understand how, for the director, the good of the whole team/band has to take priority. </p>
<p>I think your son’s request to come to school early to try to work things out is very reasonable. But I think he should acknowledge how his missing events does undermine what the director is trying to accomplish. If your son admits this, it may dissipate some of the band director’s steam.</p>
<p>So many coaches and directors are dealing with kids who are spreading themselves very thin, and they are reacting to that. They want full commitments, and don’t want to knock themselves out for kids who may or may not come through. They each feel that their program needs to be top priority. Everything is so intense these days, and that is part of the problem.</p>
<p>This does seem like two issues. 1)the strained relationship with the band director and 2) the MIT preview conflict</p>
<p>My suggestion for #2 would be to visit at another time if possible. My son will have to miss preview days for his schools because he has no available weekends in April. </p>
<p>But it does seem that some clearing of the air needs to be done to address #1. Perhaps if both your son and the band director could meet and clear the air–somehow bury that hatchet-- then they could get through the next few weeks with fewer sticking points. I’m getting a feeling that the past is coloring the here and now.</p>
<p>Unfortunately your son did have a commitment to the band that day for a concert which I would assume your son knew about in advance. On the other hand, there are going to be times that for some reason (unplanned death, etc.) that you can’t make these commitments. To get a lower grade because of these things is wrong though. </p>
<p>I am seeing over & over again that kids in show choir & band are getting lower grades and as you said getting kicked out because they are required to be there for every concert, etc. I think that it is quite unfortunate because no one can gaurantee that they will be able to participate in everything. However, I guess it is easier to make up a test/quiz than a concert. This should be a warning to other parents. I think that the directors of band/show choir, etc. should have contracts that students & parents need to sign. The contracts should explain specifically what is required and state the consequenses. I’m not sure that I would want my son’s GPA lowered because of band or show choir.</p>
<p>As to pursuing this, it sounds as if your son has already decided to work in the office and band is out now and he will be going to the MIT preview. Is this correct? If it is I don’t think that you should pursue it any further. HOWEVER, you need to discuss the band director’s behavior with the principal (I would suggest that the band leader be present as well so there is no he said/she said). I would also inquire as to why someone else is getting treated differently. Then I would let the whole matter drop. You just can’t waste your time on it. </p>
<p>Enjoy the MIT program. Even though band is/has been an important part of his life his future is what is important now. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>There is a very small window between te time acceptances come in and the May 1st reply date. IMHO, I think your son needs to go to preview days, while some think that it is a dog any pony show to get students excited about MIT(and at some level it is), it is also an opportunity to meet his prospective classmates whom he will be spending the next 4 years with as relationships/connections do form at these admitted student’s days. Preview days have also been the deciding factor that got a kid/family off the fence in chosing one school over another. </p>
<p>It is also a big potential investment of $170,000 over 4 years (whether it is your money paying full freight, MIT’s money providing full need or a combination of both) for someplace he may/ maynot feel is not the right place for him.</p>
<p>If he goes at another time, will the school, classes and the general culture of the school still be there? Absolutely, but how many of these people that he meets when going at another time will he be having classes with and formulating relationships/connections with? The reality is that he won’t bbe spending the next 4 years with these people.</p>
<p>I understand that your son has made a commitment to the band but he also has a commitment to himself. For the coach to hang this kind of "guilt’ on the shoulders of your son is just wrong. I am sorry that your son is currently the only bagpiper, however he is gratuating this year and the net-net is they are going to have to go on without him. What is going to happpen next year when your son is across the country at college? The options are still going to be the same: they are either going to have to find another bagpiper or do with out (doesn’t sound like good succession/replacement planning to me). It also leaves a bad taste as the past 7 years that your son has been dedicated to this band no longer seems to matter.</p>
<p>Everyone has different wants or need, what has worked in some other kid’s situation may not be the best solution for your child. Your son needs to work out the best situation for him. Since your son feels that
*“I must go on this trip to see if MIT is where I want to go to college”. * it sound like he as made a decision and that you as his parent support it.</p>
<p>I am admittedly biased, insofar as I am part of the MIT Educational Council (i.e. an alumnus who interviews potential undergraduate students). Although you may believe that visiting MIT at any other time would be just as informative, I would disagree. Many MIT students are the best and brightest at their respective schools and have not had a chance to see other students with similar aptitudes and bents in large numbers. It is easy to be misinformed by stereotypes of MIT students. If you attend the Campus Preview Weekend, you will have a chance to meet a large number of other high school students who are considering MIT and other colleges. You can possibly find out a lot during the weekend – not only about MIT itself and about how diverse and “normal” the potential MIT students are, but also about how other high school students similar to yourself are making their college decisions to attend MIT or not. Attending this weekend at MIT, you would gain invaluable information about why your undergraduate education may or may not be best served by matriculating at MIT.</p>
<p>This band director may have to make a practical decision to include or exclude this student from participation in various band activities because of missing this apparently important activity. Your friends and fellow members of the band will understand and get over it.</p>
<p>We had a very similar conflict between band and a sports team. The band teacher even called me at home to tell me that he expected my son to choose band. Luckily, the sports coach was more accommodating. Our answer came from a wonderful guidance counselor who worked out a compromise betweent the two teachers. We ran from one event to the next and back. Like jamimom’s son, mine performed horribly at his state sport competition, due to the lack of mental and physical preparation immediately prior to the event. But I will always be grateful to the counselor who managed to keep the peace and even called my son at home to see how things went.</p>
<p>These are always tough calls. Last year, our HS’s football team miraculously made the state semifinals. The game was held on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, and all the marching band members were REQUIRED to be there. So much for family travel plans, airline tickets, etc. Marching band formations do look pretty funny with gaping holes in them. </p>
<p>This year, one of the rising HS band members wanted to be in the drumline, but the first part of band camp that was specifically held for the drumline conflicted with a National track event (which he won, in his event). The band director was unforgiving, and wouldn’t let him participate in the drumline. He would let him play one of his other instruments (trombone) in the marching band, as he was able to get back for that part of band camp. I think this was outrageously anal of the band director, as missing part of band camp can be adjusted for (our school starts so early that band camp was in late July/early August) and this kid is so talented in many areas that he could have easily learned whatever he needed. Unfortunatley, this band director is such a curmudgeon that he is losing a lot of kids from marching band this upcoming year, including my s. </p>
<p>As for your situation, it is a matter of priorities. Do you worry that the band teacher could give your s. a bad enough (though non-failing) grade that it would severely affect your s’s GPA or might cause MIT to take a second look at its offer?? I have to agree, that in the scheme of things, college preview weekend isn’t that big a deal. My older s. didn’t attend his. The freshman orientation that occurred at the beginning of the school year was fine. Are you by any chance located close enough to MIT that you could get your s. there late, but would allow him to attend part of the weekend event? Just a thought. If this concert is a huge big deal, and your s is a critical part of it (soloist, etc), I would encourage you to rethink it.</p>
<p>Is it just me or is the tone of this kid’s message really, really sanctimonious? I’d be FURIOUS if a kid addressed me this way. </p>
<p>In terms of conflicts, I’ve been there, done that. But the WAY you approach a teacher does make a difference. First, it isn’t really clear from the message, but it sounds as if the student has known about this conflict or the potential conflict for some time and gave the director about 10 days notice. Then it sounds as if “oh…I was just sort of thinking about whether there were some possible conflicts in my life, and gee…I guess there is one.” </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s just missing this that is the issue. It’s the way your son has informed the director–by email. It’s the tone of the message—WAY over the top “I am holier than thou.” </p>
<p>Your son is making a choice–one he is entitled to make. But to say that he is going to a prospective student weekend “because the future of the rest of my life depends on it” is just plain silly. LOTS of people choose colleges without going to prospective student weekends. Your son wants to go and is willing to give up band to do so, that’s fine. But don’t hand out the nonsense that he HAS to go and don’t go on and on about “moral responsibility” and how oh so ethical I am. And do not inform the director of this by email using language that suggests that band is really not that important–the conflict just slipped his mind—and that he, the author, is compelled by his superior moral code to “dis” band yet again. </p>
<p>To me, knowing nothing else about your son except that he wrote that email to a teacher, your son comes across as self-entered, sanctimonious, and condescending and well…just plain RUDE. He may not be at all in real life–obviously, I don’t know. But the language you’ve quoted would infuriate me too.</p>
<p>Is your son truly on the fence between MIT and another school? I hate to think of him ending his band career on such a sour note (pardon the pun). My son will be missing CPW because of EC commitments.</p>
<p>Marite- H used to sing in the T; do they still allow that?</p>
<p>Dadoftrojan: My son was concerned about the bias you just described. He was concerned that at MIT people would not understand that even engineers could have other passions. When you join band, you join a community and the good of the community is of primary interest (Quaker philosophy ??). In addition, there are many kids with interest in music. To them winning band competitions enhances their standings and resumes. You wouldnt want your team members to suffer for a pleasurable propaganda weekend, would you?</p>
<p>dadoftrojan - I do agree with you. We have gotten a much clearer picture of the school, faculty, classes etc. at preview weekends/days. I think too that it is good for the student to see what the other students applying look like (not for beauty purposes, but so many times we have heard that all the students are nerds, etc.). It can be such a relief to a student that he looks just like all the other accepted kids. The programs are geared to answer most if not all your questions. The group sessions for students & parents are also good because usually at the end there is a Q&A period. Yes, I have heard a lot of ridiculous questions posed by parents but for the most part you do learn a lot. It is an efficient way for both the school & parents/students.</p>
<p>I didn’t find the e-mail to be sanctimonious or condescending. I have found that communicating concerns through a thoughtful e-mail can be better than bringing them up initially in person particularly if tempers or controversy may be involved.</p>