<p>I have to disagree about the tone of the OP’s son’s message. It may seem a bit melodramatic, but I can’t see where it’s sanctimonious, rude, or condescending. It’s okay for 17 y/os to be self-centered when they’re making a decision as important and expensive as where to attend college, imho.</p>
<p>I find myself wondering what the point of any school-sponsored, taxpayer-supported EC is. If a team or performing group wins awards or championships, great; if they enhance a teacher’s career or reputation, fine. But I feel that the individual’s need to choose the right school trumps a band obligation. School activities exist to serve the students’ best interests, not the other way 'round. I’m not convinced the band director is all in a lather because of how the other students in the ensemble will be affected. If so, why would he toss a kid who agreed to perform after graduation and has given up a family vacation to do so? </p>
<p>I probably know too many difficult band directors.</p>
<p>1moremom:
Yes, there are still buskers in the T. Tracy Chapman was discovered that way, apparently.</p>
<p>The student must have heard he was accepted at MIT on March 11 or soon afterward. There was no point to plan on attending the preview weekend beforehand. I’m assuming that the student is weighing different college otions; so it is irrelevant how many other students decide on a college without attending. My S, who applied to only one college, has so far no plan on attending the CPW. Or perhaps, he has not let me know. :)</p>
<p>Okay, this kid applied to MIT. Without any effort at all, he could have found out when admitted students weekend was. He COULD have gone to the band director when the date for the contest was announced and said, “I’ve applied to MIT. IF I get in–and lets face it, that’s a big IF–the admitted students weekend is the same date as the concert. It’s really, really important for me to attend it. So, I MIGHT have a problem and want you to know before you pick the numbers we will use in the contest.” He chose NOT to do this–probably because he felt that he might not get in, and then he’d like to go to the contest. </p>
<p>Then, he found out he did get into MIT --and assuming he just heard now and not in December—he waited almost two weeks to tell the band director of the conflict. </p>
<p>Then he goes on to say “Oh, talking to someone got me to thinking about whether I have any conflicts, and yes, I do.” There’s NO apology for waiting until the last minute to inform the band director.</p>
<pre><code>The OP notes that another student in the ensemble who is missing the contest to visit her dream school isn’t getting the same treatment. I’d hazard a guess that’s because she told the director well in advance.
</code></pre>
<p>while I did not find the e-mail to the director sanctimonious, I definitely would have counseled ANY kid to present that message in person…e-mails can be read in the wrong way, as I did upon first reading. The melodrama was over the top, IMO.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, many HS ‘adjunct’ faculty, such as coaches and band directors have HUGE egos, which need to be stroked. Groveling in person would have been my first choice. </p>
<p>As an example of arrogance run amok…</p>
<p>A friend’s D recently collapsed had what looked like a small seizure during league cross country finals. The team won league anyway, and had a chance to go to state. Friend’s D was put on meds and watched, while license was suspended.</p>
<p>Her anxious, single mom was able to secure an appt for MRI at a top med center after school. But, friend’s D had to miss practice; she told the team captain who was in her class. Coach kicked friend’s D off the team, bellowing: “no one has ever missed one of my practices for a section/state tournament and run…”</p>
<p>This girl possibly had life-altering brain issues, but the coach only cared about his ‘rule’, from which he could make no exception. </p>
<p>So, I would go to the MIT and have fun. By the time classes start in Sept, all will be forgotten and the Band director will have another group of kids to boss around.</p>
<p>I am not completely sure what you mean when you say your son was concerned about the “bias” I just described. The closest thing I can interpret is that I had mentioned the typical MIT stereotype (i.e. nerdy), which I implied would be overcome by attending the MIT Campus Preview Weekend.</p>
<p>You further stated that your son “was concerned that at MIT people would not understand that even engineers could have other passions.” Among MIT students, a very significant percentage of them have other passions, ESPECIALLY MUSIC. For a college that does not have a conservatory, the level of the music at MIT (band, orchestra, etc.) is excellent – likely the best in the Boston area for a non-music college.</p>
<p>Your question, “You wouldnt want your team members to suffer for a pleasurable propaganda weekend, would you?” is rather biased. I do not agree that the MIT CPW is nothing but a “pleasurable propaganda” weekend. While making your final decision of which college to attend is not a life or death matter, neither is a band performance or competition. My own children frequently have to make difficult decisions. For example, my 12 year-old son participates at a very high level in both piano (state champion at MTNA competition for 7th through 9th grades) and soccer (starting defender for team that is nationally ranked). Next weekend he is missing a fairly important piano competition for a regional soccer tournament. In May, he will be missing a state cup game in soccer for another piano performance. In an ideal world, nothing ever conflicts. However, insofar as many enrolled and potential MIT students are multi-talented, they will likely face some conflicts in high school and college. This decision is NOT a moral question. AnonTXmom has described how her son had to make some difficult decisions in the past, and he has thought about this decision as well.</p>
<p>While I agree that the quote of AnonTXmom son’s e-mail to his teacher was far from perfect, I think those posters who feel it was extraordinarily rude are going a little overboard. However, as a result of this process, perhaps her son can learn a very important lesson that I have instructed my children. NEVER WRITE ANYTHING NEGATIVE IN AN E-MAIL. OTHERWISE, THE PERSON RECEIVING IT WILL FREQUENTLY JUST READ IT OVER AND OVER, STEWING AND LOOKING FOR ALL TYPES OF IMPLIED NUANCES AND TONE.</p>
<p>"Okay, this kid applied to MIT. Without any effort at all, he could have found out when admitted students weekend was. He COULD have gone to the band director when the date for the contest was announced and said, "I’ve applied to MIT. IF I get in–and lets face it, that’s a big IF–the admitted students weekend is the same date as the concert. It’s really, really important for me to attend it. "</p>
<p>I think that’s unrealistic. Students tend to apply now to as many as a dozen or more colleges. They aren’t going to be able to think ahead about all of the potential conflicts with their ECs. Many seniors don’t even know that admitted student weekends exist until they get their invitations.</p>
<p>"Then, he found out he did get into MIT --and assuming he just heard now and not in December—he waited almost two weeks to tell the band director of the conflict. “”</p>
<p>Carelessness? Possibly. Thoughtlessness? Possibly? Being a typical senior jugging senioritis/prom/graduation APs/angst about colleges: A big possibility. </p>
<p>I don’t think that how the student handled things was perfect, but I still think that what the student did was acceptable and understandable. What I find totally unacceptable is how the band director reacted.</p>
<p>I would think that the band director would have both empathy for and experience with seniors and should not have acted so punitively and with such hostility.</p>
<p>I don’t necessarily think what the student said was mean or intended to be mean. You have to realized that he has had a problem with the director before & I think he was just trying to explain why he missed another event. Was it well written - no, but he is just a kid. It would have been far better to say I am so sorry, but…and left out some of what he said. The band director is supposed to be the BIGGER person here. He is older & wiser and could have said something a lot different than what he said. It doesn’t show much maturity on his part. However, we really have no way of knowing what & how he said it either. I will agree that it must be extremely frustrating to anyone with these positions because they do put a lot of time & effort into what they are doing. That being said, I do see in many cases where the leaders are doing what they do for different reasons (to give themselves recognition, the school recognition etc.). When I was in high school band was a class that you took because you enjoyed playing an instrument. </p>
<p>It seems that in every activity the students are involved in today take way more time & commitment than ever before. This has got to be hard on the students because all they are hearing for college apps. that you have to have EC’s. They can’t do everything, but the message we are sending to them is that they need to get good grades, get high scores on your SAT/ACT’s, do community service, have leadership positions, do sports, have a million EC’s, have a job, etc. We are burning students out.</p>
<p>Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously, we are only viewing this from our narrow point of view, and it is interesting to hear other opinions. I apparently did not make clear that he does not play bagpipes in the band–he is a bassoonist in the wind ensemble, and plays tenor sax in marching and jazz bands. We are a fairly small high school, which means not only that students are allowed to participate in many activities (often with conflicting schedules), but are encouraged to do so to represent the school in the best way possible. Of course these are kids who WANT to do everything, but there is also a lot of pressure both from colleges who want to see lots of super ECs and from high schools who want stellar statistics.</p>
<p>I must say I hadn’t considered that our son’s letter sounded sanctimonious–a little dramatic, perhaps, but then he is a teenager. The reason for the email was twofold: he was going to be out of school that day for a tennis tournament (yet another EC!) and didn’t wish to wait another day to inform the director. (The contest had been announced the day before, and he was present when his friend mentioned her conflict–he had to check the calendar for the MIT date.) Knowing the director’s passionate nature, he also thought the note would give him a chance to think about his response, and he did mention that he would arrive early the next day to discuss the matter. I’m afraid the “moral responsibility” part has come from us. He’s had many difficult choices to make (as have most of the children of parents on this board, from the responses). We haven’t made the choices for him, but we have encouraged him to choose on the basis of responsibility rather than pleasure. </p>
<p>I might point out that we had already bought plane tickets and hotel room, and accepted for the weekend before he was informed about the contest, which was not on the posted yearly calendar. </p>
<p>Also, we have attended the CPW at MIT with our older son and found it to be a wonderful introduction not only to the Institute and its activities, but also to the other prospective students. It is important to get a feel for whether you belong in a place, and our son is very undecided as yet. As I mentioned, we’re a small school in a small place, and he’s the only kid with this kind of opportunity.</p>
<p>Many colleges do not let students know when the admitted student’s weekends are beforehand. Even if they do, kids apply to numerous colleges. Would they really have to give the band director 10 different dates during the month of April that they <strong>could</strong> be unavailable?</p>
<p>I did not find the son’s email to be offensive. I know of no one who, in the late 20th/early 21st century, has gone to a college he has never seen. The band director teachs <strong>high school students.</strong> Those seniors are going to spend a fair portion of the month of April seeing colleges. That’s life. If you don’t like it, teach middle school band. The son seems to have bent over backwards to meet all of the committments. A little leeway to see MIT (!! Congrats!) is not out of line. </p>
<p>Furthermore, geography: the son is in Texas. MIT is in Boston. Clearly, someone has needed to get plane tickets, which can often only be changed to another date at great expense. </p>
<p>The band director is supposed to be the adult. Unlike other posters, I do not think that means he can expect complete deference from his students. It means that he can expect his students to try to act like mature adults, but is under an obligation to forgive them when they fall short. He should also have the maturity to recognize that even kids can call him out on his bad behaviour; the mature people of the world will accept valid criticism from people, regardless of age (or social class or intelligence). </p>
<p>This does seem to be a band director problem… my sister had a band director who, knowing full well that this had been going on for years, penalized her for scheduled visitation with our mother (parents divorced since we were toddlers). As I recall, our mother lived a few hundred miles away during that time, and the band director told her that it was her grade (for missing Saturday practices) or her family.</p>
<p>I don’t think the tone of the message sent to the band director was rude. I can understand OP’s anger at the band director. But put yourself in his position: A big competition is coming up. The band has been practicing. A big contributor to the band gives a nearly last-second notice that something more important has come up – something the band director views as less important than what the band has been working toward all year. Can you imagine how often the band leader hears something like, “I know we made a commitment to the band, but something else came up that I must/want/need to do?” It must be very difficult. The band director has a responsibility to all of the members of the band – some may be juniors who could be greatly helped by a good showing in the competition. He probably sees this as the only chance to win this competition, but in his view the OP’s son has more than one chance to visit MIT.</p>
<p>I agree with NSM. While the letter was not a model of perfection, the student’s lack of foresight pales in comparison with the band director’s punitive attitude. Besides, even if the student had been able to notify the director way in advance, it looks as if the director could not have switched dates or replaced the student. And if he continues to manifest such attitude, he may have a hard time recruiting students in the future.</p>
<p>High schools are making it impossible to compete in different areas/arenas. Nothing you do will change that. Make the choice, face the consequences and move along. That’s all you can do. They won’t change and neither will you. It’s just an exercize in gum-flapping.</p>
<p>Our rule? If you are part of a team or ensemble and your missing the event by voluntary choice will negatively affect that team’s performance ,you do the team event-no matter what personal opportunity it ruins. You do not let the team down. We’ve missed UIL Math competitions, science fairs, show-jumping championships,Christmas trips, band competitions of an individual award nature (all-region),basketball individual showcases in front of recruiters, and on and on and on. Resentful? Yep, she was but we believed the lessons learned about the nature of commitment were worth it. We let her pare down and quit softball then volleyball (before the teams were selected) when it became clear that conflicts would continue to plague us. I believe band next spring will go ,also. I’m sad but…make the choice and move on.</p>
<p>I agree that the OP’s son needs to visit. But I don’t really see that it’s important to visit during CPW as opposed to some other time. For decision-making purposes, is it really all that different to meet prospective freshman than to meet current freshman? On meeting classmates, if you do the math, only a tiny portion of the kids in your classes are going to be kids you personally met (and remember meeting) at CPW.</p>
<p>I’ll render a split decision: I’m with the OP & student about the attitude, with the band director on participation in remaining band events. A failing grade, however, is out of bounds.</p>
<p>The student has had good reasons…but It’s Always Something. You can’t run a high-level program this way or else the inmates are running the asylum. I’d have a different view if this was the first time the student was asking for a “Get Out of Jail Free” card but it’s not. The student has decided [probably correctly] what he needs to do, the band director has decided [probably correctly] what he needs to do in response. </p>
<p>“But how can you do it all?” is a question often asked. The answer is, “You can’t.”</p>
<p>Where the band director is clearly out of line is the churlish non-professional attitude. He owes the student an apology, imo.
I understand his frustration but events like this are an occupational hazard when dealing with high school students.</p>
<p>The otherside of the coin is that the band manager at the high school also knows that each speing comes letters of college acceptances. In the beginning of the year s/he knows how many members of the band are seniors and may end up missing days for SAT’s, interviews, visits, etc.
If the majority of the kids in your area attend local or state U’s your band coach may not have a lot of experience with this situation as it does not come up much. If your school has a track record of seniors going to colleges that are a considerable distance, I don’t think that this is a new situation to your band coach. Is your son the first senior to miss band to go to a college preview? I highly doubt it. Will he be the last? I highly doubt that also.</p>
<p>The band coach IMO needs to set up open lines of communication and let seniors know his expectations as far as the commitment to the band. He also needs to be flexible enough to realize that admissions and visits are a reality of the spring season- senior year and should be willing to take the opportunity to speak to the seniors as far as their admissions decisions, tentative dates, that they may be missing from practice, performances. The students have a responsibility to communicate to the band coach ASAP if there is going to be a potential conflict so a contigency plan is in place. This contigency may even include setting up a performances that highlight talented underclassmen since they will most likely be there.</p>
<p>My son will be missing the CPW at MIT due to a conflict with an EC. </p>
<p>I don’t agree that the MIT weekend affects “the rest of my life” as apparently stated in the e-mail. That IMO is an exaggeration, and I can see why the band director would be upset to hear that. It certainly is possible to see MIT at other times, the Admissions Office will help, you can meet MIT students at any time. Contrary to trojandad, as I see it current freshmen at MIT, who you can meet at any time, are basically similar to current high-school seniors. I agree that CPW would be nice, but it will not and should not determine the entire future course of your life. If it were my son, I would be in favor of playing in the band.</p>
Now that DOES change some things in my mind. That “contract” talk goes both ways and if the director told me that weekend was open, no band events and then I scheduled a, to me , important trip- and he at the very last minute and without warning added a competition that wasn’t scheduled? That’s just a plain stupid way to run a railroad.I’d let my kid make the call. No lessons to be learned here.</p>
<p>If curmudgeon is right about the event being suddenly added to the schedule then the situation is different and in my opinion you should be free to go to if you wish. I still would question the overweening importance of that particular weekend, and also the tone of the e-mail message. </p>
<p>Were you invited to a more local MIT gathering, which would address trojandad’s concern?</p>
<p>My perspective ia a little unique. I have a son who is a high school senior and very involved in music. His schedule has had numerous conflicts this year due to school/non school music events and college audition/visitation days. I also have been a high school band director for 30 years. After many years of dealing with this issue from the directors position, I now am viewing it from the parental position. You are the parent and must look out for your sons best interest regardless of what is right or wrong in some cases. This coming week my son is attending one schools preview day and will be going to another school to take a lesson from the teacher of his instrument. The purpose of both trips is to help get more information to make the difficult decision of where to go to school. Something can be learned from both experiences. If the visit to the CPW will cause the amount of stress that it obviously has, could a visit to MIT be scheduled at another time and where he can get at least some of the experience of the CPW? I would assume (maybe something I probably should not do) that your son will attend MIT. If both activities can be scheduled, practically that may be the best solution. Not perfect and possibly not the right thing to do. Regarding the teacher, he can not fail your son and I would believe can not eliminate him from the program. I would press those issues to the highest authority in the school district. Your son, if he goes to the band function or not, should be graded on all the work he did in the whole marking period and fully participate in all band activities for the rest of the year. I would make every attempt to put the band director in a meeting with the principal or superintendent and have the director make a case for eliminating a seven year member who obviously is one of the strongest students in the school (maybe for a few years) because he is going to an accepted students weekend at MIT!!! If he tries that he can only look like a jerk. I would think his tone would be very different in a meeting with his superiors. This is just my opinion. To bluebayou, I never have viewed myself or have the students, parents, or community viewed me as an adjunct. I am a teacher who teaches an academic subject, music, and I and my music colleagues (who keep their egos in check) are as involved with the students in my school as any other teacher. Follow the advice of dadoftrojan regarding e-mails.</p>