<p>Dear parents,
How do (did?) you forget your first serious love when you realize nothing will come of it? (Not from your teenage years, but 20s and on.) How does one go about erasing the person from your thoughts?</p>
<p>Time heals everything</p>
<p>“Love on the rebound”</p>
<p>It was never necessary for me. However, a young woman from my church was dumped the week before her wedding (to which the entire congregation had been invited). She was caught completely by surprise & was devastated. She told me she thought she’d never get over him. Today, she is very happily married to a wonderful man. They have been through the sudden death of their young child, a nonviable pregnancy, and the illness of their third baby. Seeing their relationship strengthen throughout their ordeals, I have concluded that there was a reason the first relationship didn’t work out. She needed the second relationship in order to weather the storms that were ahead for her.</p>
<p>Trust that “to everything there is a purpose.” Time does heal all, and there are more fish in that sea!</p>
<p>Not a parent, but I have had this experience (and relatively recently, at that - less than a year ago).</p>
<p>I didn’t ever erase him from my thoughts. We still hang out - he, my current boyfriend, and I, are all part of the same social group. As is his current girlfriend, who is a friend of mine. My housemate, who is my close friend, is also his close friend, and her boyfriend is his housemate. I see him, and his girlfriend, at social events and in our mutual hobbies. It would be quite difficult to avoid him, even if I wanted to (and I don’t).</p>
<p>As for what actually healed things…both of us found new partners much quicker than we’d expected, under slightly strange/comical circumstances. Hearing that he had found someone new broke my lingering romantic attachment to him (painfully, but it did break it). Finding someone new myself shortly after that (I hadn’t been intending to do so, but that was how it played out), helped a lot, and my current relationship is very happy. Other than that, as time has passed, sadness over the past has decreased.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>While it’s true, I would not suggest using either of those lines with someone who is grieving unless you know that they will respond well. I definitely did not.</p>
<p>This too shall pass. In the meantime, you just have to live your life feeling that pain.</p>
<p>I think that once one comes to the “realization that nothing will come of it” one needs to re-evaluate their feelings about the person and will likely come to the conclusion that they don’t actually love the person afterall given the present context of the relationship. One needs to not be confused by infatuation.</p>
<p>Once one moves on and meets others the prevalence of the previous person in their thoughts will diminish.</p>
<p>I think you just gave me a stroke. Heart already broken so a heart attack would be useless.</p>
<p>I think I got to the point pretty quickly where I could identify what it was that was so attractive to me and find the reasons it didn’t work out. I became more and more selective as I looked for the good and ran from the bad. I also looked at myself to see what it was (if anything) that had made me not be the one. (For awhile there, I was the last GF before the BF got married!)</p>
<p>Looking back, I never could have stayed married to anyone I dated in my teens or early 20s, other than my DH who I have been with for almost 30 years.</p>
<p>My high school sweetheart broke up with me over Christmas break my freshman year of college. All through second semester, he kept insinuating that we would eventually get back together, so I kept the torch burning for him and didn’t look for anyone else. (Meanwhile, he was out having a lot of fun with girls in our hometown.)</p>
<p>I came home at the end of the summer and realized he wanted exactly one thing from me, and it wasn’t to get back together and live happily ever after. My parents drove me back to school for my sophomore year (12 hour car ride), and by the time I got out of the car, I had realized that I had no desire to be with him anymore.</p>
<p>So once I realized I didn’t want to be with him anymore, I was over him immediately. It was getting to that point that took eight months.</p>
<p>People go through 3 stages after a break-up: protest where you express your angst and your desperation to get back together, despair where you feel like your life is over, and then detachment where the lack of contact with the significant other reduces feelings for him or her, and it’s at this stage where you get over him/her. In the despair stage, people are particularly prone to forming romantic bonds with people providing them comfort. These stages are the same as in infancy. When the baby is separated from the mother or caregiver, it’s worthwhile to scream and yell (protest) at first to get her/his attention, but over time, continuing to yell might attract predators so they keep quiet (despair) and struggle privately. Ultimately, the infant becomes detached from the caregiver because it’s useless to protest and ruminate if she/he will not respond anyway. These stages are adaptive.</p>
<p>I got my information from my class on Relationship Science.</p>
<p>Given that the info above is true, it’s pretty hard to believe that people take such a long time getting over an ex.</p>
<p>MVR, my D just went through a tough break up over the holidays and it was hard to watch her suffer like that but she is now so happy and having a great time, she even has been on a couple of dates (after swearing she will never trust another guy). Get your self busy doing things for other people…even exercising…keeping busy or being with your friends and family will be your best medicine and time. Just surround yourself with people who love you and who think you are wonderful like I am sure you are. Just remember by moving on you will open yourself up to new relationships and you have learned from this one what you are looking for…another thing is to focus on something you didn’t like about this person. That will help you detach.</p>
<p>Big (((((Hug))))) to you.</p>
<p>You never forget but eventually other experiences consume more of your immediate thoughts and your mind relegates older experiences to burners further back. </p>
<p>I left a loving, seven year relationship for no reason other than I wanted something more (intangible) for my life than he wanted for his life. Five years later I met a man and knew within days that I would spend the rest of my life with him, and we have been married for twenty-five years. Once a year I exchange email with my old friend, but his spouse admits to some insecurities from a previous marriage and prefers we limit our communication, and we respect her wishes. I often think of my old friend and wish we could share more of our lives with each other – I think he and my spouse would enjoy each others company. My old friend and I each have other friends, but neither of us has a current friendship as special as our old friendship. We joke that if we outlive our spouses we’ll get back together and split the costs of a room in a nursing home.</p>
<p>Thanks for your stories, everyone. I guess my question isn’t immediate. It’s more a matter of years gone by and still.</p>
<p>Since I eventually married her, I have no advice.</p>
<p>mvr,</p>
<p>I hear you! Thirty years later and I’m still not over it, I just don’t think about it much anymore. It still does hurt when I think of it, though.</p>
<p>I googled one old flame that I’ve never 100% gotten over - I think I am now - he looks so stuffy and corporate! My other big love I pined after for several months then fell in love with the stuffed shirt above. We actually ended up being very good friends and had lunch regularly when we ended up in a course that met from 11 to noon. But basically time and someone else are the best cures - unless the person was a jerk.</p>
<p>I had a bad break-up in college. Years later I was happily married and ran into my ex- at a mutual friend’s wedding, he had moved away and I hadn’t seen him in a long time. The next morning I woke up sobbing - all the pain from the break-up had come right back to the surface. I knew he and I would have made a terrible marriage - we wanted different things out of life - and I loved my husband and knew he was the right man for me. But the pain of the break-up still reared its ugly head. Luckily my DH was very understanding, he left me alone for a few hours to pull myself out of it, and all was fine again. </p>
<p>My d is going thru a high school breakup right now. I don’t think the pain is less because she’s younger. I wish I had magic words to give her - and you - to make it all better, but truly the only thing that heals is time. A previous poster’s advice to focus on the things that annoyed you about that person or the reason you broke up may also be helpful. You may not be able to get the ex completely out of your head until you meet a new someone special. Also, focusing on your own interests, and maybe even seeking out opportunities to help others’ whose troubles are worse than yours may take your mind off it and help you to move on.</p>
<p>Don’t continue the ‘relationship’, if you end up with someone else. No offense to people who do this, but really, is it necessary, and does ANYONE really NOT CARE about their spouse/significant other maintaining a friendship with someone they’ve had wild sex with? Didn’t think so. It’s cute, it’s titillating, it seems harmless (to you, after all, you’re not really going to let it go too far), but think about your partner. It’s disrespectful and if you really love/admire/worship your new partner, you wouldn’t be interested in the first place.</p>