<p>Still working on it almost 40 years later. But life goes on. You can have some of these feelings and allow new things to enter your life, too.</p>
<p>One method is just to decide that the <em>next</em> time it will be different. When I get a do-over.</p>
<p>I read the novel Replay where the main character gets a whole slew of do-overs. I find that just deciding that this time I concentrate on <em>this time</em> and next time will be different lets me put regrets on a shelf. </p>
<p>So far it’s working!</p>
<p>One problem with holdng onto the past relationship, is that it can color your current ones- if you are thinking about what might have been, and comparing that fantasy to reality, it does no one any good</p>
<p>doubleplay has very valid points…if part of your passion is for someone else, romantically, you are shortchanging yourself and the person you are with</p>
<p>for some reason, and it may have been the best thing that ever happened to you, that old relationship didn’t work, but you are holding onto the dreams, the fantasies, the hopes…</p>
<p>get a rubber band, and everytime you reminace about the old flame, snap it…do jumping jacks…run up and down the stares…do something physical to change your mindset and reaction</p>
<p>pack away any reminders of the person- pictures, gifts, whatever</p>
<p>take a look at your CURRENT life…and if you have a significant other, would you want them pining over a past love></p>
<p>and if you don’t is your pining over your past love stopping you from being open to new possibilities?</p>
<p>a way to let go of what might have been is realizing its hurting what is and what could be</p>
<p>and I disagree that the only thing that heals is time- there are friends, activities, distractions, and letting go- </p>
<p>also, why give your ex all that power in your CURRENT life?</p>
<p>one sure way to get the ex out of your mind and system is realizing that you are creating walls, and barriers and an aura of distance because you can’t give your heart and soul to someone new and believe me, people sense it and figure, why bother with someone who has baggage?</p>
<p>I may sound harsh, but maybe it is what a person might need!</p>
<p>If you were interested in someone, and they still had part of their heart saved for someone else, would that be an attractive prospect?</p>
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<p>Um, it is absolutely the norm in my social group. My boyfriend and I are both good friends with my ex, and I am friends with his exes, except for the one I don’t know. When I run into his most serious previous girlfriend (to whom he is still close) at parties, we sit around and tease him about some of his habits (e.g. snoring, being a neat freak). I don’t see how there is anything wrong with this. Occasionally it does happen that people drop their friendship as well after a breakup (and occasionally there is good reason for that), but those situations are the exception that highlights the rule.</p>
<p>My 1st love broke up with me to date my best friend and neighbor, he was also my brothers best friend. I had to be faced with them everyday and it about killed me. I told my brother he had to choose between him or me…wrong thing to ever do,(lesson learned never give an ultimatum unless you are willing to take both outcomes). </p>
<p>My 1st went onto marry her. I met a wonderful man about 2 yrs after the break up, and have been IN LOVE with him for @25 yrs, with 3 beautiful children. My ex has been divorced now for the past 15 yrs…wife left him.</p>
<p>I will say Garth Brooks has the best song out there…Unanswered Prayers…it is about how someone prayed that he would get his love back and he didn’t. He lands up seeing his ex with his wife and he says “I thank God for unanswered prayers, just because he doesn’t he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he doesn’t care” it is so true, you could cry about it and never get over it or realize that your REAL SOUL MATE is out there waiting for you, don’t spend your life thinking about what was, go on and make them realize they made the mistake by losing you.</p>
<p>BTW when I saw my ex after he just seperated (I was visiting my mom his ex’s neighbor), he stated had we stayed together we would be married, and my children would be “ours”. I told him that, in reality I know now we would too be divorced, b/c he was right to leave, we were already on different paths. I gave him a hug, and as I did my DH walked in on us, the ex explained, and I went back into the house with my DH, and I will never forget the look on his face. Don’t take it as I was happy to see him sad, it was exactly the opposite, I felt for him b/c I knew his pain</p>
<p>The worst breakup I ever experienced, at age 21:</p>
<p>Seeing him with his new girlfriend and how happy they were, I felt a stab of pain but then had to admit what a great couple they seemed to be. Then I had a major revelation:</p>
<p>Since I believe in karma, I believe most relationships are just working out karmic residue, and after we do that, we find the mate with whom we can do our life’s work. (some call this ‘soulmate’ and some believe in only 1 soulmate, while others believe in multiple possible soulmates - point being it’s the person you can be happy with, and grow and learn with, and draw out the best in each other, not just work thru old karma)</p>
<p>I realized: If they were right for each other, why would I want him? Why would I want someone who is obviously not right for me, and is ‘right’ for someone else? Why would I want someone else’s soulmate?</p>
<p>And, if he found a possible soulmate, then that meant that my possible potential soulmates were still out there someplace, so why would I want to waste time being hung up on someone who was obviously just a karmic connection?</p>
<p>This coincided with a spiritual experience in which I realized I was a whole person, and didn’t need anyone to make me complete. Right after that, I met my husband of 24 years.</p>
<p>I now believe that only 2 ‘whole’ people can truly be happy; if you are relying on another ‘half’ to complete you, it’s essentially codependent.</p>
<p>So, my advice would be to immerse yourself in LIFE. Stay active. Be happy. Do the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. Then, when the time is right, you’ll find someone with whom you can traverse life’s journey (whether for a short while or a long time, either way, it’ll be the next chapter in your life.)</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
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<p>I have always fiercely agreed with this and post #23 - staying friends with the ex never, ever works and is unfair to the new partner.</p>
<p>I’ve seen this to be true time and time again with people of my generation.</p>
<p>However, the new generation seems to be different. My son is currently good friends with an ex, and he often hangs out with her and her new boyfriend.</p>
<p>Granted, it was not a very long, serious relationship…maybe that is the difference?</p>
<p>jessiehl, does anyone in your social group have experience maintaining a friendship with someone with whom they were in a very serious, long-term relationship? Or are you referring to ‘wild flings’ and short, sex-based ‘relationships?’</p>
<p>I’m wondering if that’s the difference. I find it hard to believe that it could be workable or healthy to stay socially tight with someone you were seriously involved with for more than, say, a year.</p>
<p>But if it has worked for some, I’m impressed that they were able to pull it off.</p>
<p>Here’s another tip: Don’t fall for it if the ex is with someone else but keeps implying that s/he really wants to get back together with you.</p>
<p>The first major heartbreak I had was in 10th grade - there was this really good-looking guy who was a senior and had been with the same girl for 2 years. Everyone knew they were a solid couple. They broke up and he started dating me on the rebound. Except, I was naive and believed him when he told me he loved me and when he criticized his ex and told me how much more I liked me, etc. I was thrilled that he actually noticed ME and fell madly in what I thought was ‘love.’ We had a whilrwind romance of 1 whole month!</p>
<p>Well, all she had to do was say ‘come back’ and there he went. He got back with her but still kept telling me he wanted to be with me. He sat behind me in a class so this went on for the rest of the school year! (7 months of this!) That whole school year was horrible for me because I kept believing him and hoping he’d come back to me. Needless to say, he never did and ended up marrying (and later divorcing, I’ve heard) that girl.</p>
<p>Lesson learned: If your ex is now with someone else and not you, that means s/he wants that other person and NOT you. If s/he wanted YOU, then s/he would be with YOU!</p>
<p>Believe actions, not words.</p>
<p>From When Harry Met Sally:</p>
<p>Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.</p>
<p>Eh, I have several male friends, including one I’ve known for 25 years. Totally not an issue with them, though I would agree that SOME men can’t pull it off (can’t separate friendship from sexual attraction).</p>
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<p>Yes, and I’m referring to both (and also to serious relationships that ended up, for whatever reason, being short). I can think of several examples of couples who broke up after multi-year relationships and are still good friends. Which is not to say that some of them didn’t go through a period of not wanting to be around the other person, but after a bit of time they were back to being friends. My first relationship ended before a year for complicated reasons that I wouldn’t go into here, but it was serious and not “sex-based”. I think the relationship between my boyfriend and his particular ex that I mentioned before lasted more than a year and was quite serious.</p>
<p>If this state of affairs did not exist, I think my extended social group would collapse, because it is pretty incestuous, in terms of both quick affairs and long-term relationships. So not being able to be friends with your ex would make a lot of our current parties and such impossible, or at the very least horribly awkward. And particular hobby-oriented clubs that we dominate would probably collapse as well. :)</p>
<p>We are talking apples and oranges here…the OP is still pining, regretting, or something a past love…wondering how to get over it or move on…when THAT is the case, it absolutely affects all current and future relationships</p>
<p>if ANY time and energy is spent focused on someone from your past love lifes, then that energy and time is NOT there for a new love or relationship</p>
<p>Fine and dandy to be “friends” with an ex, but if you are older and STILl thinking about what might have been, then you have missed out</p>
<p>For my Ds and their friends, yes, many have remained friends with exes, but not very many Hang Out with them…</p>
<p>I think you can have friends that are of the opposite sex- of course-but it does depend on the nature of your original relationship & if it was intense I don’t think it would be easy to go right into a platonic relationship.</p>
<p>Ive had friends that I dated that it wasn’t a big deal to be casual friends- but we weren’t serious in the first place.</p>
<p>I also have current friends that are men ( but none that I have ever dated)- and I do admit that there is some unacknowledged sexual tension- or “something” but no flirting, as all my male friends are married as am I. I do enjoy their company however- and I have always had male friends, as most of my female friends interests diverge into the domestic much more than mine do to my husbands chagrin/( but he knew that when he married me)</p>
<p>Time and distance helps- making lists of why you are glad you aren’t dating also helps & dating someone that you would never be interested in seriously but is not only more attractive but more fun than your ex helps too.</p>
<p>( especially if you can arrange for him to hear about it 
)</p>
<p>jessiehl, glad to hear it. I think the younger generation seems to be better at this than my generation.</p>
<p>I don’t have any trouble hanging out with exes and their current partners. I’m surprised some of you are still thinking about such things 40 years later.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have any trouble hanging out with my exes either. My husband, however, would probably not appreciate it, so I don’t do it. </p>
<p>There are circumstances where it’s best to remain on a friendly basis, like when there are children involved from a previous relationship and there is a need for civil interaction.</p>
<p>I can be friends with the exes, but couldn’t be bothered “hanging out” on a social basis with them</p>
<p>* I * don’t hang out with any of my “exes”- ( all my current friends- I know through our kids schools or through my going back to school, both male and female- my H is the only person that I regularly see from my 20’s let alone earlier- I met him when I was 18)</p>
<p>I did say that I haven’t dated any of my male friends- but frankly- since I rarely see my husband because of his work schedule and his reclusive personality , I will admit I do appreciate a little notice that I am not dead, even if it comes from construction workers ( beggars can’t be choosers)</p>
<p>I don’t think my H has a lot/any contact with any of his exes ( although I do know that the woman his parents wish he had married- was friends with one of his sisters & his parents still keep him apprised of her wherabouts)</p>
<p>But as both of his sisters are now divorced ( from men that the inlaws doted on) and this spring H & I will be married for 27 years- I am aware of the irony.</p>
<p>I also know a couple who regularly see the husbands ex & celebrate holidays with her family.</p>
<p>Actually, come to think of it, I know several families whose original connection was that the dad in one family was dating the mom in another- ( before they had even met current spouses), and they are all friends and vacation together.
Which I do think could be a little strange- but if the spouses were uncomfortable I’m sure they would’nt do it.</p>
<p>Doesn’t Bruce Willis vacation with Demi and Ashton? * That* I think is sweet and I think it is great- but if I was serious with someone who wasn’t only younger than my ex, but younger than * me* , I would feel too weird to do that. I think it is nice for the kids though.</p>
<p>I tend to have as male friends- and this may be an outmoded description for the “younger” generation, men who are comfortable with and like women. ( but not types I would have dated 30 years ago)</p>
<p>However, my spouse and most of the people I had dated, were much more comfortable with men and male things I mean traditional male things- cars- football- punching each other on the shoulder instead of talking about emotions.
( I was married when I was 23, so I think some of that was immature thinking as to what qualities a desirable “man” had)</p>
<p>I am planning to stay in my marriage :), but I will admit that if I knew then, what I know now- I would probably choose a very different type- I also think that there probably are hundreds of people that we all could fall in love with- and although we have early relationships that don’t necessarily work out, they all go to making us the person that we are today- & going forward is a good thing :D</p>
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<p>Celebrities aren’t exactly normal humans, are they?</p>
<p>(just kidding;) )</p>